When my son was younger, too much stimulation always caused a “melt-down” at some point so my husband and I did a lot of manipulation of his environment, activities, etc.As the years have gone by (he is 11 ½ now) we have lightened up considerably because he is a very independent child and we want him to learn to function without our tight control. Most of the time, he does very well. However, in the last couple of weeks, he has been having problems managing himself. He has gotten into squabbles (verbal) with another child on the bus and, for the first time in his life, has been banned from the bus for two weeks. When playing with his group of friends (these kids have been friends for years) in the neighborhood lately, he ends up coming home either angry or upset because of something someone has done or said which is just the typical teasing that they all do, including him. He had a sleep-over and didn’t want the friend to have a choice in the video game and movie I took them to rent, and said he wanted the friend to go home right in front of him. And, the worst, there was an incident where a neighbor’s dad got upset with him because he threw a snowball that hit his toddler son (it was an accident but the dad had just told all the kids not to throw above the waist), and when the dad started yelling at him, he told the dad that he “didn’t have to listen” to him. He has never been disrespectful like this before.The only thing I can think of that’s different is the freedom we have been giving him which amounts to more time with his friends without direct parent supervision at the skate park, sports center, playground, neighborhood, etc. and less time at home, more sleep-overs, later bedtimes, etc. I am wondering if this is just adding up to too much stimulation for him and we need to get back to more of what we call the CEO type of parenting rather than the Manager type.Has anyone had this kind of experience with their child. Could use some feedback. Thanks.
Re: Too much stimulation?
PASSWORD>aaypjoGdHk2QkWhen my son was 11 he had the *school year from hell.* The first year of middle school, overwhelmed, poor organization skills with the changing of classes, failed almost all classes first 2 quarters. That’s when he started with similar attitudes that you are describing.The school psych said it was *volitional*, that he *choose* to fail the classes. Yeah, right — he liked being a falure..This is what we did: We demanded that all classes be changed to teachers who had more experience with LD students mid-year. He finished the year with honor roll. We also started therapy — and this is the most important. He needed someone, not mom and dad, to tell his feelings to. It did wonders.From a psychologial point of view, he was going through a process where he is trying to grow up and therefore distance himself from his parents. The negative things are subconscious ways to push you away. Just sort of bite your tongue and tolerate some of it. You have to let him know what the basic stuff is that you simply won’t tolerate, but you also have to let him have some victories in disputes with you.This is such a tough age. I’ve heard that when they turn 17 they become normal again. Good luck.Please consider the therapy, and if necessary, change some classes. Sometimes we parents have to be very proactive in order for our kids to work out things that they are going through.: When my son was younger, too much stimulation always caused a
: “melt-down” at some point so my husband and I did a lot
: of manipulation of his environment, activities, etc.: As the years have gone by (he is 11 ½ now) we have lightened up
: considerably because he is a very independent child and we want
: him to learn to function without our tight control. Most of the
: time, he does very well. However, in the last couple of weeks, he
: has been having problems managing himself. He has gotten into
: squabbles (verbal) with another child on the bus and, for the
: first time in his life, has been banned from the bus for two
: weeks. When playing with his group of friends (these kids have
: been friends for years) in the neighborhood lately, he ends up
: coming home either angry or upset because of something someone has
: done or said which is just the typical teasing that they all do,
: including him. He had a sleep-over and didn’t want the friend to
: have a choice in the video game and movie I took them to rent, and
: said he wanted the friend to go home right in front of him. And,
: the worst, there was an incident where a neighbor’s dad got upset
: with him because he threw a snowball that hit his toddler son (it
: was an accident but the dad had just told all the kids not to
: throw above the waist), and when the dad started yelling at him,
: he told the dad that he “didn’t have to listen” to him.
: He has never been disrespectful like this before.: The only thing I can think of that’s different is the freedom we have
: been giving him which amounts to more time with his friends
: without direct parent supervision at the skate park, sports
: center, playground, neighborhood, etc. and less time at home, more
: sleep-overs, later bedtimes, etc. I am wondering if this is just
: adding up to too much stimulation for him and we need to get back
: to more of what we call the CEO type of parenting rather than the
: Manager type.: Has anyone had this kind of experience with their child. Could use
: some feedback. Thanks.
Re: Too much stimulation?
Hmmm…sounds like maybe we are just dealing with a typical, obnoxious, mouthy pre-teen?He has always had problems with the “give an inch, take a mile” problem. We have recently lightened up to give him a chance at a little more independece.Part of the problem could be middle school because he has met lots of new “friends”, a couple of which have very little parental supervision. They are filling my son’s head with adventures hanging out at the mall with no parents, buying CD’s that have not been edited for profanity, etc. My son is feeling really babied and pushing our boundaries, I think.My husband and I feel like we need to respond with more supervision such as, instead of letting him go with friends to the sport’s center for 4 or 5 hours, limit it to two hours. Or, instead of allowing him to go from friend’s house to house on our block for three hours at a time, have him call and check in every hour so I can ask the mom how things are going. Does this sound too harsh to you experienced teen moms? He is only 11 1/2 and immature…
Re: Too much stimulation?
PASSWORD>aaZrSiocwMuroAC, my 16 year old son would LOVE to have you as a parent!!He has only recently been allowed to go places with friends for about 3 - 4. When he was 11, never. We STILL make him call in.. when he arrives someplace usually, but when he was 11 it was more frequently.And if I really don’t know the other kids well or am suspicious about their character, his time with them is more limited.But, I would advise not putting it to your son as some sort of punishment. I would say something like, “I’m uncomfortable having you spend 4 hours hanging out at the sports center with X because I don’t know if X has the same values you do and it’s so hard for kids to say no to peer pressure.”With that type of language you are telling your son that you regard him highly and are sympathetic to the things that kids are truly faced with today and are being completely candid with him about your own feelings.Take comfort in the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Recently my son went to a coed party with his friends from his teen travel camp. A severe ice storm hit and the mother of the host had all the kids call their parents and ask them to sleep there. A coed sleepover???? But, of course we had no choice because of the weather and you know what? All those years of trying to build up his character and infuse him with *do the right thing* finally paid off. The mother told me ALL the kids were appropriate, no one got wild or anything and it was a nice experience.Your son is just 11 and you can start right now with building up his character and being honest about your feelings with regard to his freedom. It doesn’t have to be about punishments or being negative. Good luck.: Hmmm…sounds like maybe we are just dealing with a typical,
: obnoxious, mouthy pre-teen?: He has always had problems with the “give an inch, take a
: mile” problem. We have recently lightened up to give him a
: chance at a little more independece.: Part of the problem could be middle school because he has met lots of
: new “friends”, a couple of which have very little
: parental supervision. They are filling my son’s head with
: adventures hanging out at the mall with no parents, buying CD’s
: that have not been edited for profanity, etc. My son is feeling
: really babied and pushing our boundaries, I think.: My husband and I feel like we need to respond with more supervision
: such as, instead of letting him go with friends to the sport’s
: center for 4 or 5 hours, limit it to two hours. Or, instead of
: allowing him to go from friend’s house to house on our block for
: three hours at a time, have him call and check in every hour so I
: can ask the mom how things are going. Does this sound too harsh to
: you experienced teen moms? He is only 11 1/2 and immature…
: Clearly it seems you think a pattern has emerged or reemerged. Have you just recently “lightened up”? If these problems only surfaced when you lightened up, you may have your answer.Have you talked with your son about this? Is there anything else possibly going on that would cause this behavior? Anything happening at school? Is he angry about anything?If not, it could also be considered that, at age 11, he is beginning to go through the Middle School years which are usually difficult ones. I teach MIddle School and 7th graders ride the peak of the change from pre-adolscence to true adolescence. At 11, your son should be approaching the end of 6th and moving on into 7th and also approaching the developmental realities of that age.That may be what’s going on. When my son was younger, too much stimulation always caused a
: “melt-down” at some point so my husband and I did a lot
: of manipulation of his environment, activities, etc.: As the years have gone by (he is 11 ½ now) we have lightened up
: considerably because he is a very independent child and we want
: him to learn to function without our tight control. Most of the
: time, he does very well. However, in the last couple of weeks, he
: has been having problems managing himself. He has gotten into
: squabbles (verbal) with another child on the bus and, for the
: first time in his life, has been banned from the bus for two
: weeks. When playing with his group of friends (these kids have
: been friends for years) in the neighborhood lately, he ends up
: coming home either angry or upset because of something someone has
: done or said which is just the typical teasing that they all do,
: including him. He had a sleep-over and didn’t want the friend to
: have a choice in the video game and movie I took them to rent, and
: said he wanted the friend to go home right in front of him. And,
: the worst, there was an incident where a neighbor’s dad got upset
: with him because he threw a snowball that hit his toddler son (it
: was an accident but the dad had just told all the kids not to
: throw above the waist), and when the dad started yelling at him,
: he told the dad that he “didn’t have to listen” to him.
: He has never been disrespectful like this before.: The only thing I can think of that’s different is the freedom we have
: been giving him which amounts to more time with his friends
: without direct parent supervision at the skate park, sports
: center, playground, neighborhood, etc. and less time at home, more
: sleep-overs, later bedtimes, etc. I am wondering if this is just
: adding up to too much stimulation for him and we need to get back
: to more of what we call the CEO type of parenting rather than the
: Manager type.: Has anyone had this kind of experience with their child. Could use
: some feedback. Thanks.