My almost teenage son is going through an extremely irritating phase. I need some ideas on how to deal with it.
When discussing issues,that he doesn’t want to discuss,he is having a basic tantrum? Seemed to come right out of the blue,but he just had another one this morning.
If I walk away from it,he gets what he wants,the conversation ends.This, I believe is what he wants out of the confrontation.
For example, He did not want to bring his Laptop to school. Told me he wants to try writing by hand for a month. In the begining of the conversation he lead me to believe this was already discussed with his teacher. As the conversation continued,it seems there is a game downloaded,and no games are to be downloaded,per teacher. Basicly he is afraid to bring laptop,because his teacher would find out. The game in question won’t download off our home PC. I suggested that he talk to his teacher about this,and see if he would allow the game,as long as he never played it at school,he didn’t want to do this. I suggested that I talk to teacher regarding his use with the laptop at home. All heck broke loose. He screamed ,cried,turned red in the face. Basicly lost his mind. No way to rationally talk at this point. I know how to handle the Game.
The problem is his response to me. Obviously he can not be doing this,and he is embarassed afterwards. ( I know this from prior fit,on friday) I told him that the fits were not appropriate,and I would not tolerate him losing control like this. He continued to throw it. I put his lunch in his hand and walked away. left him to freak out at the door. He did stop,but,he also got what he wanted.
Any thoughts?
Oh,and another thing. He isn’t doing this with Dad. I am the lucky recipient, I believe this is true,becauseDad would tantrum right along with him.
Re: okay,any ideas??
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Re: okay,any ideas??
Don’t you just love ADD’ers….My son will have an occassional meltdown when he knows he is out on a limb and taken on more than he can handle. Somedays he will pick a fight and other days he is an absolute angel..
When my son is like this I have to back off, with me in his face it just escalates… Eventually, after he has calmed down he apolgizes and we go from there. It sounds like your son is trying to cut the cord but he also wants to hold on tight..Just provide the structure and hang on for the roller coaster ride. My 20 year old son and I survived, his crying jags and temper tantrums… hopefully, the 15 year old will make it through his teens as well.
An update
Thanks Pattim,
especially for always being there,through out my son even getting to teenage years:-)
Talked to my son after school yesterday. First thing he said was he talked to his Teacher. My heart soared. I said,”great,about the game?” He said,”heck no,about wanting to write by hand for a month”. My heart sunk.
(This is my kid who really LOVES his laptop.)”Mom,I can’t carry my laptop around my whole life”,was his reponse. “you do realize the game comes off the laptop right?”” yes,MOM” “I will try and see if I can load it on the PC,but you can’t be afraid to bring the laptop,because you aren’t honest with your teacher”. “YOU CALLED MY TEACHER DIDN”T YOU!” “No,I did not,I told you to speak to him, and you did”. “Yes,and he said I could go without the laptop only until the 30th”. (thank god for good teacher’s)”I want to try and write.”
“my concern is,you didn’t bring the laptop,and you don’t want to use the laptop,because of this game on it,do you see where this is being dishonest?” “yes,and Dad pressured me into loading it on the laptop instead of the PC”.
Now,to kill my husband……
Re: An update
Hi Socks,
My 9 yr. old isn’t AD but when he gets it in his head he wants something he could drive a saint to drinking. He is hot for a dirt bike or 4 wheeler I won’t even discuss it with him but he still keeps on.
When he told me what a mean mom I am because his friend has a dirt bike. I took him to the phone told him we would call his coach he is also a State Trooper and get his opinion on how mean I am. End of that conversation.
Then I told him not to say the words dirt bike or 4 wheeler to me again until he is 12. Here’s the good part Dad a week later told him they can clear a path in the back woods and look for a used 4 wheeler.
Only good thing for me is winter is coming it gets dark early and football is on T.V. I figure their little project will take at least a year.
Re: An update
How is the writing going? Is he getting tired of it yet? Has his penmanship improved some since he has been on medication? Many of the kids I tutor have much better penmanship on meds. One kid I tested last week, his penmanship was beautiful. The mom couldn’t believe her eyes…so he may like this diversion…for awhile at least… Good luck!
teens
Hi socks,
In the situation you describe, I would let my teen try writing instead of using the laptop since it appears to be so important to him. So much of this sort of thing is a power struggle and at 15, he wants to take more control of his life. He will learn, as all of us has had to do, that with that control comes the consequences of our decisions. When my 14.5yo dd gets in my face in such situations, I try not to let her drawn me into the argument (a real struggle for me) so I tell her that she may go to her room until she is calm enough to discuss it and then I’d be happy to hear what she has to say. If at some point in time she can discuss the situation rationally and make a case for herself, I will express my point of view but ultimately leave the final decision to her. Yes, sometimes her decisions haven’t worked out (and she HATES to admit I was right ;->) but other times I’ve been impressed with her determination and ingenuity (and I do compliment her on how well she handled it and give her the satisfaction of telling me she told me so!).
Of course, all of this hinges on my ability not to loose it when she screams at me and I’m not always successful!
Also, walking away during your son’s tantrum is not giving him his way but diffusing the tantrum by removing the audience. You can always say that this will be discussed again when he is calmer.
Blessings, momo
Re: teens
Momo,you are right. It can be discussed later. His teacher told him he could write by hand,and after the agreed amount of time we would discuss compromises. One of which I know would be for him to leave it at school. (his agruement was it is too heavy to carry back and forth) I doubt he will want to do this,he uses it too much at home. Thanks.
Re: An update
A friend of mine whose dad is a doctor calls motor cycles ‘donor cycles’. I hear the dirt bike, 4wheeler thing all the time, I tell them when they are grown up and out of the house, maybe. My mom has a man friend who was in a 4wheeler accident(active man previously), the thing fell on his face and squashed his face causing his eyes to come out. Cycle horror stories, I have a bunch of ‘em.I use them too on my boys whenever the subject comes up. I just don’t like cycles.
Re: An update
Actually his writing has improved. Meds don’t really affect his writing too much. Both are severely dysgraphic along with ADHD. It is defintely legible,which it wasn’t before. One thing I do think has helped is IM. He is onto his 6 week of the program. Not consistent enough to stop the program yet. The scores are suppose to get down into the teens before academic improvement is noticed( which has to do with time,miliseconds,which then affect neuropathways). Unfortunately for him he dips down into the teens one session and up into the 40’s the next session. My youngest will be done this week. His teacher has said he notices improvement in writing. I honestly don’t ,but I have noticed academic progress in language and skills.
Hi Socks,
This sounds like the perfect topic for tonights parent’s chat at Net Haven :-) I’ve got a couple of ideas for you.
Peace,
Marge