Help! My 9-year-old, 4th grade son has ADHD (diagnosed in 1st grade). He always makes A’s in school, teachers have always told me he is creative, polite, expresses himself well. He is in the gifted program this year, spending one day a week at the gifted school in town.
Just had parent-teacher conferences. The gifted teachers praised him all over the place, which is what I’m used to hearing. Today I had the conference with his regular classroom teacher. I was stunned. She has given him mostly B’s, a couple of A-, an F in health, a U for unsatisfactory in personal development/social skills. In each subject, she indicated he needs to work on getting work done on time and contributing to the class in an appropriate manner. She said she would like for the speech pathologist to work with him because he does not express himself well and is not fluent. This is a child that started talking early using BIG words and has always expressed himself very well. All of his previous teachers have been impressed with his large vocabulary and his self-confidence in using words.
This is a child who always makes A’s in everything. He has never received a U or unsatisfactory in anything. Once a week he goes to an hour and a half social skills group run by his counselor (at a clinic, not the counselor at school). In the 3 years she has been seeing him, she says she has seen him come a long way and is pleased with his progress. He used to take longer than the other kids to get work done (1st and 2nd grade, but not in 3rd) but it was because he is very meticulous, quite the perfectionist. His past teachers have let him use free time at school to finish up or send work home. This teacher has decided he is “slow.”
I told the teacher it sounds like most of his problems are typical of ADHD kids. She said, “Sure. I realize that. My son had ADD and we didn’t get medication for him until he was a freshman in high school, but he’s finished with it now since he’s 22.” And she said she has kept in mind the fact that my son has this problem but he’s still not getting things done. I don’t feel that she is keeping his ADHD in mind. I think she is holding him to the standards of a “normal” child and when he is falling short in certain areas she is counting it against him. She said he is easily distracted, talks when he’s supposed to work, doesn’t get assignments done. But she has him sitting in the back of the room where he can see everything that everyone else is doing, so of course he gets distracted. All of these things sound typical according to what I have read.
His teacher last year was awesome. She had a lot of knowledge of ADHD and kept him challenged. He finished his work early last year and worked on independent projects. She never told me he didn’t get work done.
What should I do? I feel like she is not making allowances for his problem. I don’t expect the whole world to slow down and help him along. But if he was blind she would be forced to help him.
It was just so strange to sit there and hear all of this stuff that does not sound anything like him. I told her the report card concerns me because it is not consistent with his past report cards and is not consistent with the conference I just had with the gifted teachers. She said, “Well, they’ve got a much smaller class over there in the gifted program.” Actually the class is the same size as her class, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.
Should I make an appointment with our counselor and discuss this with her? She came to school with us in 2nd grade for a meeting with his teacher and the school counselor when we were having some trouble. Maybe it’s time for another meeting?
I had been warned about this teacher by other parents. In the summer, they told me if we got her to request someone else but I didn’t listen. She’s kind of gruff, never smiles, and when I was waiting in the hallway before our conference I heard her being snippy with the kids. Maybe it’s just a different personality style or different teaching style. Maybe she sees the negative instead of the positive. She’s one of these that writes “-1” instead of “+99” which is something I feel strongly about — encourage our kids, don’t show them negativity.
Thanks for any advice!
But why should he suffer?
Thanks for your reply.
I’ve spoken to 2 moms whose kids had this teacher last year and 1 mom with a daughter in my son’s class. The moms whose kids survived this teacher said they feel she was detrimental to their child’s learning. During the year with this teacher, these children lost their enthusiasm for learning.
After speaking with my son this evening I’ve learned she often yells at the kids. This would explain his odd behavior with his piano teacher this school year. When he makes a mistake during his lesson, he scrunches up and looks at her like he expects her to yell. But she never has yelled at him before, and tells him it’s ok, go on.
I waited in the hall this afternoon and did hear her yelling at the kids.
None of this makes sense. My son scored way off the chart on his IQ tests to get into the gifted program. When he was a toddler he was speaking so well, grown-ups are stunned and they’re still impressed with him.
My dad is a retired teacher and he’s going with me to talk to the principal. I’m going to insist that my son be moved to the other 4th grade teacher’s room. If he refuses for whatever reason, we’ll move him to another school in town. My dad has even considered home schooling him since he’s retired and has the time now.
I see no reason for one bad teacher to hinder my son’s progress or kill his joy for learning.
Re: But why should he suffer?
I wrote earlier about my son’s experience with a screamer. It sounds like an obvious mismatch between this teacher and your son, given that her description of him doesn’t fit with what you know and the info you are getting from others. I would point this out to your principal and insist that he get your son a different teacher. I agree, that some people see things half empty and some half full, you can’t change a person’s personality, but you don’t have to subject your child to it either. My son’s grades didn’t suffer, however, he is not the only child to do ok in his 3rd grade teachers class only to be qualified for sp.ed in 4th. He didn’t learn a thing in his 3rd gr. class. Except to be upset with himself, he was a very unhappy kid that year. I remember this because, when I was asked what I wanted for him by the social worker,(during the eval) I told her I wanted him to be successful in whatever he chose to do and to be happy. Listen to your gut, if it doesn’t seem right to you, then it isn’t.Best wishes.
Re: ADHD son has received unfair report card from 4th grade
An interesting article to read is from Pam Wright regarding the total unusefulness of grades.You can access it on the LD in Depth section of this web site.
I wish I had a teacher tell me they wanted more evaluation of my children,and actually give them an honest grade rather than an A they didn’t earn. Most of the time the grades are simply an opinion,and doesn’t tell you dittily about what the child actually learned in the class. Learning is much more important.
If she gave him an U in social skills then social skills needs to addressed and strategies should be incorporated to help him in this area.
I would consider getting all the teachers together and discuss the issues in question. You might find that this teacher is brave enough to be honest and want more for your child then the status quo. Which isn’t bad is it?
Or you might find that this teacher see your child in the wrong light,and maybe a change should be made. But what if there are issues,that only she is telling you about? It might be of benefit to you to investigate this possibility.
Re: But why should he suffer?
You’re a great mom and I certainly agree as a mother myself that I wouldn’t want my child to suffer needlessly. If you have other options, that’s wonderful. I’ve never felt that we had other options that were going to be better but I celebrate that you do!
Thanks for the reply but I must not have made myself clear..
Oops. Looks like I’ve been misunderstood. I appreciate your reply, however —
“I wish I had a teacher tell me they wanted more evaluation of my
children,and actually give them an honest grade rather than an A they didn’t
earn.” —My point is she DIDN’T give him honest grades. I’m not asking teachers to give him A’s he didn’t earn. My point is he is an above average student, he has always earned A’s, and he is earning A’s at the gifted program he goes to once a week.
“If she gave him an U in social skills then social skills needs to addressed
and strategies should be incorporated to help him in this area.” —She gave him a U in personal development which is not right. The other teachers at this same school (music, PE, computers) indicated he is great with the same areas that this teacher says he has trouble with. The teachers at the gifted program praised him in these same areas. We’re already involved in a social skills class once a week through the counselor he sees and she says he has made tremendous improvements in the year he’s been attending. My point was, if one teacher is saying he’s awful in this area but all of the other teachers see no problem, the problem is with HER not my child.
“You might find that this teacher is brave enough to be honest and
want more for your child then the status quo.” —I disagree. I’ve stood in the hallway and heard her yell at the class. She never smiles. I’ve spoken to families who had her in the past and they had the same problems. I’ve spoken to parents of kids in her class right now and they have the same problems. She’s sitting there, biding her time, collecting a paycheck.
I met with the principal today. He agreed to talk to her and see if she can improve the communication with me. He agreed with my point that if my son was failing a subject because he had not turned in his papers, she should have said something to me long ago. But this principal knows nothing about ADHD. He’s full of excuses like “We have too many kids in each class to take care of.” I told him that if my son was blind, they would have to help him learn. If he was in a wheelchair, they would have to help him learn. Same difference. He has a disability.
I’m going to have to do more research to see about helping him stay focused in class when I’m not there to remind him. At home, I can remind him when he’s off task. Last year his teacher was great about reminding him. All this teacher does is look at the negative side of everything.
Meanwhile they had a substitute today. She yelled at the kids. My son found a pencil in the floor, picked it up, and a couple of kids were yelling, “Hey, that’s mine. Give it to me” and started yelling at my son to give it to them. The sub yelled at my son, said she was going to add his name to the list of “bad” kids, and said, “Get your butt up here! I’m not putting up with this crap!”
Back to the principal I go! I have become one of those moms they hate to see coming. There is no reason for a substitute to speak to children that way.
We requested another teacher today
Thanks for your info.
I met with the principal in person today. My dad went with me since he taught for 34 years and I feel comfortable with him helping me on this. We asked for my son to be moved into the other 4th grade class but the principal refused. Gave us that lame excuse of, “If I start doing that for one person, I’ll have to do it for everyone.” I wanted to say, “Well, if all of your friends were jumping off a cliff, would you do it too?”
We said we’ll give her a little bit of time and if we don’t see an improvement, we’ll move on. Either to another public school in town, fork over the money for the ritzy Catholic school in town with an awesome reputation, or my dad can homeschool him for a while. The principal was appalled. He said, “Now, you don’t want to home school him.” I said, “You know, I used to think people that homeschooled were nuts. But the more I learn about it, the better it sounds. Of course I don’t agree with people homeschooling their kids when they have no educational background themselves, but my dad has a master’s degree. He would probably benefit greatly. In a classroom, everything is geared toward the average kids. The slow ones need to speed up to the average kids. The advanced ones need to slow down to the average kids. Why should we hold him back when he’s brilliant?”
I’m such a smartie pants.
A good thing about the conference was that the principal was surprised that the teacher had requested the speech therapist for my son. The principal saw no need for it. As I said earlier, my son began speaking early, big words, big sentences, and there is no problem with his communication. In fact a speech therapist for our public schools has lived next door to us for 3 years and she compliments him on his speech.
I think this woman is burned out and sitting there to collect a paycheck. And that’s a shame because there are people out there dying to get a teaching job. People that love kids and would be great teachers.
Re: Thanks for the reply but I must not have made myself cle
It can be very true if only one teacher has a problem then it might very well be that one teacher. I am glad your getting him a new class. I suppose my point was the issue of the grade itself not being as important as what he actually learns. In my past experience seldom does a teacher refer for evaluation,and I am very pro doing one. Not saying your child needs one,just stating the oddity of a teacher requesting this.
It sounds like you are very much addressing the social skills,must of missed this the first time around.
Re: ADHD son has received unfair report card from 4th grade
What I suggest, since your principal refuses to take your son out of the class, is that you or your dad spend LOTS of time volunteering in her classroom, visiting,whatever. Most folks who are acting inappropriately with the kids won’t act that way when adults are present. It would also be a way to observe how your son is working and how she is keeping him on task. I do say most because my friend’s son’s teacher in 2nd grade ( a burnout) told the kids in front of her that they shouldn’t expect her to be any different just because my friend was there. This was during schoolwide sports day too, the teacher made the kids sit and wouldn’t let them cheer their classmates. What a dud.Thank goodness my kids never had to deal with her.
Just so you know, we sort of got the same spiel from the principal when we tried to get my son out of his 3rd grade class, ‘if I start pulling everyone’s kid out folks will lose confidence in the teacher’ Duh! Like I said we were 4th in line so we had to deal with the 3rd gr. teacher. Ain’t it funny when after 4 weeks, the teacher says ‘sometimes he seems like he’s in another world’ ? I told her and wrote her a note about my son’s add from the beginning of school. Go figure.
Hang in there, and let us know how things go.
Re: We requested another teacher today
I agree that he offered you a lame excuse. Would everyone want to leave this teacher’s room? If so, there’s a message in that he should hear.
Good luck with this for you and your son.
The good news is that your son is probably doing much the same work as he has ever done. The bad news is that this particular teacher views his efforts in a different light. The sad news is there usually isn’t too much to do about that.
You’ve been told from other sources that this teacher has her own take on things. Teachers’ outlooks and styles of teaching and interacting are deeply embedded and usually not to subject to change. Nothing any guidance counselor says is going to turn her around over night.
It would be hard for me to be concerned about what she said in the light of all the many other positive things that were said about him. I’d see her opinion as a kind of “blip” on the screen and look past it perhaps while speaking to my son gently and kindly about the different expectations and perspectives of adults, teachers included.
Is her gruffness directed particularly at your son? Or is she gruff and snippy with all the kids? If you sense she is interacting with your son in a way different from how she interacts with the other children, I would certainly want to do whatever I could around that. If though she treats your son no worse than anyone else, it might be wise to brace for an unfun year in her room.
Good luck.