What do you do when the school thinks the parents are nuts??

I hope you will take this post in the spirit in which it was intended, namely to steer you in direction that might help your child. I really don’t think putting the complete ownership of school/homework on the shoulders of a 3rd grade child with ADD and other behavioral issues will lead to a positive educational experience for your son.

First, in my limited experience as a mom, the homework level and quantities being assigned to our children today are completely inappropriate for most children. If the child has additional issues ADD/LD/behavioral issues, it is just too much to expect them to manage organizing themselves, recording their tasks, pacing the workload on long term projects, and thinking ahead.

I don’t think you have to jump in and manage it all for him — he seemed to show some strengths in that area the year before — but help support him when he asks for him. In 3rd grade, new challenging academic tasks are added to the curriculum and some children aren’t ready for them. Perhaps these tasks are quite difficult for your child. How will you know if you are not involved?

I like the shepherd analogy. You guide them to the stream so they can drink. You find fields for them to graze so they can grow strong. You stay close enough to protect them but give them enough room to roam a bit on their own.

I hope you find an approach that get your child back on track. I can’t help with the 504 issues, but there are plenty on this board who can comment on that.

I can’t answer your good questions about the legalities of the 504 Plan and the testing but until you can get some accomodations in place for him, what about going back to last year’s system and helping him with homework again? It might also have to a reason that you could share with them as to why you decided it was time for him to do it all his own. Sharing with them that if you had known he was failing, you would have certainly seen he wasn’t yet ready to do it on his own and that you would have stepped in with the kind of support you gave last year might help them to understand you better.

The bad news is they have the wrong impression of you and that he has a new and inexperienced teacher. The good news is wrong impressions can be changed and that your son has a mother experienced in giving him the kind of help he needs to be successful in school.

The reasons I let Kial go for it on his own was that over the summer we spent a lot of time with his counselor. We found that he needed additional meds and seem to have gotten to the right amount. I guess it was my fault that I let it go as far as I did. He was doing so well and his anxiety was undercontrol that I thought this would give him a chance to go in to a new class and try again. As parents of children with ADHD and other issues it is hard to determine what to do. I was trying to deal with his violent problems at home and took the school situation as something that was quite and running smoothly. Some times you get so tired. He has hidden knifes, stole food and money and lies. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I cannot trust him. Wishful thinking about school , huh?? Tommorrow will be the meeting for the 504 and I have a few things listed that I hope will help him succeed. Thanks for the input!!

Perhaps you could go to his last year’s teacher and ask her what she thinks could help in the class, what it was she did in addition to your presence that turned your son around. You could use this info in your meeting. At your meeting you will need to speak first, tell the folks what you have said here and to get your info and issues on the table. Don’t let them take over the meeting and continue to make you feel on the defensive. Our kids are hard to parent, we are all doing the best we can. Taking an advocate with you, or the counselor might help, definitely don’t go in alone. As far as timelines go, a call to your sp.ed office(district) will get you some info. I can’t remember the specifics but 60 days, 45 days and 30 days come to mind for the various parts of evaluation and qualification, (or not). Others on the board know more about this than I. Just so you know, my son is in 7th grade and he still isn’t entirely on his own, the teachers and I keep up with him constantly. I do sympathize about the school making you feel like you are crazy, it wasn’t until 4th grade that my son’s school finally agreed that his adhd was causing problems(via testing and all), all my concerns were finally validated, and he was discovered not to be a ‘late bloomer’ after all. He had already been on ritalin for 3 and a half years by this time so it wasn’t lack of meds. it was lack of specifically addressing where he was having problems. Good luck to you and let us know how things go.

Yeah well all us parents are nuts!!! They just know it. They are the experts,the educators. Didn’t you know that? Listen next time they tell you you need counseling or familiy etc. Tell em great!
Let’s get him an IEP,and as a related service,you guys can provide us with counseling. Usually shut em right up….

(a) General. As used in this part, the term related services means transportation and such developmental, corrective, and other supportive services as are required to assist a child with a disability to benefit from special education, and includes speech-language pathology and audiology services, psychological services, physical and occupational therapy, recreation, including therapeutic recreation, early identification and assessment of disabilities in children, counseling services, including rehabilitation counseling, orientation and mobility services, and medical services for diagnostic or evaluation purposes. The term also includes school health services, social work services in schools, and parent counseling and training.

(b) Individual terms defined. The terms used in this definition are defined as follows:

(7) Parent counseling and training means—

(i) Assisting parents in understanding the special needs of their child;

(ii) Providing parents with information about child development; and

(iii) Helping parents to acquire the necessary skills that will allow them to support the implementation of their child’s IEP or IFSP.

(2) Counseling services means services provided by qualified social workers, psychologists, guidance counselors, or other qualified personnel.

In other words,if you are in need of this services,then he qualifies for an IEP.

I think what’s key here is that his teacher this year is a new teacher and doesn’t know how to work with him. I like the suggestion of asking his teacher from last year about what worked well for her. She could provide this new teacher with some very good support.

Frankly, new teachers often don’t know what they’re doing in a classroom. They’ve learned their material but don’t know how to manage a classroom. Of course there are exceptions but that usually takes years. New teachers are overworked and overwhelmed. When that happens, some look for a scapegoat. You’re probably it. A teacher really should be saying, “I haven’t found a way to work with this child. I need help.”

These are all symptoms of a child under enormous stress. Is he still seeing his counselor? We had similar problems with our child and I empathize with you on how difficult it is to deal with all of this in addition to school problems. We found the best way to handle these situations was to be as low key about it as possible. We gave our child a small weekly allowance and made sure no other money was available to steal. We learned to address the issues and not the lies. Instead of asking, “Did you take this?” which sets the child up to lie, we learned not to accuse our child but asked him to help find the missing item(s). Instead of asking, “Did you do your homework?” which again sets the child up to lie, we calmly and consistently said, “Show us your homework”. By working to diffuse the situations, it helped our child see that we were loving and supportive parents, that we loved him even when he made bad choices and he didn’t need to lie/steal to get our attention. All of this didn’t happen overnight - it actually took several years because we had a lot of old history and old parenting patterns to rectify but it has improved to the point where lying/stealing is thankfully no longer an issue.

Go socks!