mom ready to give up on kids

I don’t have any suggestions because I am new at this myself. I have know that my son was ADHD since almost the day he was born. He is now finishing up first. He didn’t start medication until kindergarten when it was clear that it was hindering his education although I had him in the doctors office at 3 years old begging for medication for him or me…lol
This year has been a battle for me and him. His intelligence level is in the gifted range but his grades are low because of his inability to complete his work or follow directions. Academically he is bright but he appears not to have a bit of common sense.
Hearing your frustrations as they get older does not give me much hope. I can see where parents give up and don’t want to battle the school issues anymore. I teach 7th grade and most parents with these kids don’t respond or have alot of anger/frustration on what to do.
We as teachers do not know how to handle the kids in a class of 28. The ADHD child is battling for everyones attention while the teacher battles to keep the rest of the class focused on the task. We are not trained and we need to be. We need help on how to apply strategies that work with these kids and still be able to teacher the other 27. I don’t have the answers but I keep striving to find them. Whatever you do, don’t give up on your child. He is worth fighting for! Take a break every now and then and step back to reaccess the situation. What might work wonders for my child one week falls through the next. This is where I am seeking the support of this forum to help me come up with more bags of tricks for my home and school.
Good luck!

Have you talked to the Dr. about a change in meds? Perhaps he isn’t on enough? I have similar problems with my teen, I have to bug him to do his homework. I would also contact the college about getting him some support through the students with disabilities office. He will definitely struggle but with the right counseling and support services he should be able to do ok.

Perhaps family counseling would help all of you. Someone needs to take the iniative to get help and perhaps if you get some help yourself it will be a catalyst for the whole family. This can be done….one day at a time….

There is a very high percentage of ADHD kids who also have co-existing conditions such as emotional/behavioral issues or even learning disabilities. If the medication alone is not working it might be worth investigating further to see if something else (that you are presently not aware of) is co-existing with the ADHD. General doctors and pediatricians have limited knowledge of all of these issues; so going back again and again will really get you no where (my own experience). You might want to look into an adolescent pyschologist/or psychiatrist (for meds) or a neuropsychologist for a complete evaluation.

hay their,
First thing is, don’t-ever-give-up. My went throw “hell” trying to get me to do the same things. I don’t know how she did it and neither does she. What she did was find somehting that I loved (Boy Scout’s) and that helped me with my life and in return it helped her out to. I earned my Eagle in 1992. I’m trying to get a story published right now about what it’s like to grow up with this to help people like you.
Mike

Good for you!!!!!! You do it!!!!!! First-hand stories from those who have been there are good “medicine” for those of us who are trying to help those struggling with difficulties. We can read a list of symptoms, hear the diagnosis and get advice on how to help, but to actually hear “how it feels” and what works from those who have come through the long tunnel. CONGRATULATIONS on the Eagle. I know that requires a lot of work. Have you tried asking “Scouting” or “Boy’s Life” magazine to publish it for you? Also, I work for a newspaper and we will be putting together a story about success stories, etc. If you would like to e-mail it to me I can submit it for consideration. We are a newspaper in Chicago. I would love to read it myself. I have two boys, and work with Cub Scouts and also wonder what these boys go through everyday that they struggle. Good luck to you and definitely work on getting your story published.

Running away solves nothing. It teaches your children to avoid or run from life. Your children are and will always be your children. I would try to find a college student or high school student or organized person to sit with your son and write a checklist of what needs to get done with hw (1-2 times a week). Have this person sit with him where he needs it, but slowly have them fade from the hw scene so he can begin to rely on himself. Perhaps the montessori school is not for him? Only he, yourself and his father know that. Similar type of help with your daughter is probably important, but allowing her to be more independant.

Please don’t give up. My son is 10 and ADHD and high IQ. The only thing I’ve been able to do is home school him and allow him to learn the way he can. He is a visual spatial learner and simply cannot excell in a classroom situation. Maybe your son is also. Please check out the website gifteddevelopement.com. I know how tiring it is to have 1 child with ADHD and I cannot imagine having 2!! You are your son’s only advocate and he needs you to be there for him. Perhaps if you could talk to a psychiatrist that treats ADHD you could not only help your son but yourself too. Please hang in there. I will be praying for you. Jan

Marti:

I wish I could offer you some advice, but all I can offer is empathy. I have two children who I am ready to give up on and they are much younger than yours. My older daughter is only borderline ADD. The doctors tried her on ritalin and adderall but she didn’t sleep on those. Now she is on an antidepressant.

Her schoolwork continues to be well under grade level. I think they inflate the grades in elementary school anyway. She’s in 5th grade. Third grade was particularly difficult for her. She didn’t have many friends and her teacher had more of pencil and paper approach to learning. Also, they had four state tests that year. She has more friends now and the problem is that now she cares more about her friends than she cares about school. She was playing flute, but she doesn’t practice, so I don’t think that will last much longer.

My younger daughter’s grades have gone down the toilet. She did well in kindergarten and she still did quite well in 1st grade. She started off okay this year, but now her grades are starting to look like my older daughter’s grades.

Homework time at our house is a disaster. It even drove me to seek therapy this year. I’ve been taking graduate courses in reading and continuing my musical activities, so much of the homework burden has fallen on my husband. I think he felt he might be less emotionally involved and therefore able to get farther with them. No such luck!

Maybe instead of leaving home (although I’ve kind of done this, too), you might consider either family or individual therapy. My activities are mostly over now so I’m going to see if we can continue family therapy and my individual therapy.

Homework ruins our family. My 5th grader’s teacher does not give much homework (although my daughter could probably spend more time on it than she does). She gave us our weekends back by rarely giving weekend homework (only two times this whole year and even then it was a project and a test to study for).

I’m dreading next year because my younger daughter will be in 3rd grade (which was extremely difficult for my older daughter) and my older daughter will be in 6th grade next year (and I know she’ll have much, much more homework). I even asked my husband if he is still behind my going back to school. I’m going to take the GRE exam in late July and then submit my application to graduate school for reading.

I sometimes think I shouldn’t have taught my girls to read. Then maybe they would have both been put into special ed. for not knowing how to read. You know, if they can’t learn by whole language they stick them in special ed and give them systematic phonics.

I feel for you because I know the feeling myself. I know how difficult it can be. Please feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] if you want to discuss this further. Good luck to you!

Sincerely,

Margo

I am the mother of two ADHD/Gifted/LD boys,and the wife of an ADHD adult,and LD myself.

Hopeless is an emotion I have felt many times.

Most educators do not fully understand the impact homework has on our kids.Yes,they may be able to do it,yes,if they happen to be in the “zone” as my 13 year old puts it.

Understanding my kids learning styles helped a lot. Understanding my limitations helped a lot. Therapy helped a lot. For me and my kids,and my husband.

One thing I did about homework was,I asked,how much time do you expect my child to spend on homework nightly? They told me 30 minutes.
I set a timer,in 30 minutes,homework was done period. I insisted on accomodations,the federal government recognizes ADHD as a disability,I insisted the school did too.

If you want your homework sanity back,you must advocate for your child. If he can not do it,then he can not do it. The idea behind homework is to reinforce learned skills,make sure he has already learned the skills,if he missed it in school,he will miss it trying to do homework at home.

Stop beating yourself up,it is his homework,not yours,address it with the school. If the motessori school doesn’t want him back,well,personally,I wouldn’t think you want the montessori school either. They are not helping your kid,right?

I always told the school,what positive thing can you tell me about my son? When they got on the negative bandwagon,I pulled them back to,hey,what are YOU going to do to help my kid? Don’t tell me what he won’t do,tell me what you have tried to do to help him..Don’t stand for the blaming game,it’s nonproductive and doesn’t get to the route of the problem. Your son’s have rights,help them exercise those rights.

My oldest can only stay on task,or stay in the “zone” for very short periods of time. At a school meeting the teacher being totally exasberated tells me,he is NEVER on task,he NEVER pays attention. Never? I said. Well for only short period of time,specificily how much time? Well I don’t know,she says. Well find out,I told her. Tell me exactly how long he stays on task. They timed him and it was only 2 minutes. What I found out later,years later,is in two minutes he looks away. He looks away,because he learns auditorily,he is listening,but he isn’t looking at her. Does this make him not pay attention? NOT.
Understanding them was the best thing I did. I obtained complete educational evaluations that gave specific details of each learning style. When I got this I insisted they be taught this way. They eventually learned themselves,and so did the adults around them.

Meds took a long time to get right. My oldest tried four or five meds before we found the right one,my younger son tried three before we found the right one. Don’t give up on figuring out with medication works the best. Sometimes it is a dose problem,sometimes it is a med problem.

Knowledge is power. Keep looking for answers,one day you will find them.
Good luck to you,and Happy Mother’s day!

Be thankful for what you got. Do you have a roof over your head and enough to eat? The constant storm in the brain really sucks and can put you over the edge. Our expectations can sometime be our undoing. Do the best you can and give yourself a break. Be happy with the achievements you’ve made. If you can sit back and collect the check do it until real help come available. School is over rated. There are other way to learn the things you and your kids need to know. Meds suck, so if you can possibly avoid them, avoid them. The school cannot legally kick your kid out no matter how long it takes him to graduate. Go to the law library and check out the state education law. The librarian will be helpful. Write your congressman. Don’t panic. Brighter days are ahead.

Great advice Socks. I find when I’m playing with my band that I close my eyes to block out visual input so my grain has less to handle. I’ne also experimented by limiting my visual field. I put masking tape or hold my fingers over the inside part of my glasses. It blocks peripherel vision wich is not needed for reading. Simple but effective and you don’t have to pay some doctor to tell you about it. Try it. It works. Reducing the chores we ask the brain to do is just common sense.

Margo:

I have an ADD daughter in high school. She was only diagnosed this year. She has problems with insomnia, the ADD, and depression. Her doctor put her on Adderall (30mg - time release kind) and she takes Remeron at night. This is an antidepressent that helps her to sleep. So far the combination of the two is working quite well.

Just a thought….

p.s. my husband is a band director - tell her not to give up on the flute!! High school band is loads of fun!

Okay Ball,I seriously am wondering if you are my husband!! God you two sound so familiar. He too plays in a band. Blues music. Plays the harp and sings,but was a percussionist in earlier years.Small world..

First of all I want to thank all of you who replied to my post. I had really hit a new low but I’m better now. We had a homework MARATHON this weekend and got mostly caught up. I took a tutor to see the teachers this morning but they pretty much gave us the cold shoulder. I think they’ve decided they definitely won’t take the 13-year-old back. Any suggestions on whether I should fight them and go the school’s owner/director? He says he wants to go back and really showed it by sticking with the homework for three solid days.
Thanks again for your support.

Marti

Socks I’ve played blues & rock but I play bass and guitar. But boy sometimes I sing the blues. I wrote a song called Happy Clowns About the ying yangs that say stuff like “Beethoven was deaf you know” “Cher is dyslexic” Here’s a bit of it:

Those happy clowns are an illusion

Those happy clowns create confusion

This happy clown is really crying

Those happy clowns are lying

What do you think? I think playing in a band for forever makes us a certian way. Ya sorta become an expert in human nature. There’s a lot of truth in music and people’s reaction to it. Musicians are a different animal. When you can scream over a microphone “I wanna see some asses wigglin” you’ll say just about anything to anybody. Maybe that’s why my posts are so candid and off the wall.

My oldest will be starting high school next year. He was dx’d with adhd, inattentive type we tried Ritilan and Adderall both-they just put him to sleep and made him really irritable. When he was in 5th grade he started playing trumpet—but could only play if his grades were good. In 7th grade we moved to a new district and band was actually a class. They play everyday for 45 minutes a day. Since this has occured I have noticed my son has a better attention span, better self-esteem, and his “life tempo” is not so slow. Before playing he had one speed SLOW, he dragged his feet, hung his head, and spoke very softly. All this has changed, he walks straight up, head tall, moves a little more quickly and you can actually hear him when he speaks now. The 8th grade here starts marching with the high school band in May and they have already practiced with them. I think this added component may show even more improvement, and whats more he enjoys it. I think if you can find a patient band director that is understanding this is a good activity for an ADD/LD student. My sons current band director has been great and my impression of the high school director is that he will do just as great a job making my son feel accepted.

Of course my husband would agree with you!

We had a music teacher tell are then 7 year old,the the Harmonica was not a real intrument?

You must be nuts,Lady! My Husband about lost it..

So on Great American Teach In day,the day parents come and tell the kids what they do for a living, my Blues playing harmonica player went to class:-)

He proceeded to explain to the kids how blues music started. That it was a wonderful mix that came out of the slave era,the only good thing.That Blues was a mixture of slave chants,and gospel music It was in fact one of the first true american musics. He explained how the harmonica fit in,and how it was as complicated and required as much training on as any other musical instrument.He then looked right at the teacher and said,this music was a result of a persons spirit and determination in the face of pure discrimination and adversity.

Pretty cool guy,my loud,long winded, harmonica player is.

JAM ON!!

Wow! Your family is just like mine! I have three children 21, 18 and 10. All are ADHD including myself and my husband although he will not admit it! I know how hard it is to try to teach skills when yours are lacking and try to stay calm when everyone around you is crazy. My kids are ok. My oldest is great and in his 3rd year of college . My daughter is hoping to graduate from high school in a few weeks but English is on the line and will depend on exams and now most of my time is spent on my 10 year old. Currently we are doing testing and trying to get any help I can from the school. I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself is figure out what you CAN do for the kids and what is beyond you to do. Then go look for help with what you can’t do. Smart people don’t know everything they just know how and where to find the answers. Shari