Reteaching

Douglas,
Are you sure it is lack of effort? Or could it be that his attention problem is getting in the way of ‘getting’ it at school? Many adhd kids need much repetition to ‘get’ it, my son included. It might be worth it to you to get a tutor who can work with your son, that would get you out of the teaching business and back to being the parent. If your son has the resource room available, then I am assuming he has an IEP. Perhaps you should call an IEP meeting to address the problems your son is having. ADHD is not a character flaw, if the kids could do well all the time, they would. You may need relook his education plan. My son struggles with school this year and it is definitely not lack of effort in his part, the teachers make a point in saying how hard he works. There may be a new meeting in our near future if things continue the way they are now. Best wishes.
Amy

I agree that most of our ADHD kids are doing the best they can—people tend to have a really hard time understanding this. In my son’s case, he often appears to be “goofing off” or he procrastinates and otherwise wastes time. This does not mean he is lazy—his brain is just not wired to sit still and do tedious paperwork for hours at a time. If he is working on a hands-on project that he enjoys, he is the most enthusiastic kid in the class and he wants to continue exploring and putting energy into learning more and more about the topic. Unfortunately, he has hit a level at 4th grade where they seem to be trying to cram in a lot a rote memorization, lots of tedious math calculations, etc. He is now floundering, even though he has always loved school.

I can empathize with you, amyf, don’t let him struggle too long without intervening. It’s so easy to get off on the wrong track as parents and teachers when our kids spiral downward or perform inconsistently—we feel helpless and sometimes end up blaming them because we’ve seen them do better before. To challenge and support without blame or pressure is very difficult.

Maggie

Hi Douglas,

My step-son (I raised him from the time he was 7) has a very similar school history to your son’s. The school told us he was “lazy” and “unmotivated” and he could do the work if he would just “pay attention and try.” As parents, my husband and I bought into that. We are in an upper middle class socio-economic bracket, and have worked diligently to teach our children good morals, ethics, etc. The schools my step-son attended were rather good public schools.

The end result is that my step-son barely graduated from high school, has extremely low self-esteem, can’t hold a job, steals from family members and friends, and moved out of our house over a year ago, and we don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. He’ll probably end up in jail.

I realize this is almost a worst case scenario, and it probably can’t happen in your family. I didn’t think it could happen in my family, either, but it did.

I am here because our 10 year old son started exhibiting similar learning traits to my step-son when he was in first and second grades, and was identified with various disorders, and specific LDs. I wouldn’t have understood that our young son needed help if I hadn’t gone through it with my step-son. If only I had known then what I know now …

Please don’t let this happen to your family. Your son needs remediation and support, both at home and at school. I know it’s hard with the other kids, but the time you spend now will help him for the rest of his life. Stay here, and keep asking questions. The support and information I have gotten here is invaluable.

Lil

We have tried several different medications, and dosages of medications for my young son to tweak his learning experience. Perhaps you need to speak with the doctor about your son’s dosages and/or meds. I know even the delivery system on the time release meds can make a huge impact on my son’s inattentiveness during the school day.

Also look into a positive behavior plan for your son. Research indicates that meds in combination with behavior intervention works best for students with ADHD.

Lil

I have three kids and one is LD. My LD son gets far more attention than the other two and there is no doubt they have sufferred because of it. I fear the outcome that Lil talks about more than my other two feeling neglected. I have seen a similar scenario in my best friend from college’s son. We do the best we can but the truth is fair is not equal. It is not fair that my son has multiple LDs and struggles with everything. My daughter tried to tell me that he was in fourth grade now and when SHE was in fourth grade, I didn’t help her with homework and so I shouldn’t help him. I told him they aren’t the same kids. The truth is she could do it and he needs a lot of help still. He may need it all the way through school. I despair at the thought but am prepared to do it or have a tutor do it.

Beth

Hi Douglas,

I re-read the posts here a day later because this issue hits so close to home for me. The other posters here have all given you excellent information and advice.

Another point that needs to be made is your son’s “lack of remorse” for failing 7th grade. By the time kids with ADHD and LDs hit 7th grade, they have learned to turn off the emotions caused by failing. For them it is not a lack of remorse, it is simply survival. In their own minds they have tried and tried, and they know they are capable of doing the work, too. They don’t understand their own inconsistencies any more than anyone else does. They blank the emotions and refuse to admit to others or themselves how much they do care, because it hurts too much.

Just another point to consider …

Lil

–I have a now 12 year-old who had ADD and multiple learning disorders. She needed a lot of therapy, (Fast Forword, Interactive Metronome, vision therapy, language therapy, Lindamood-Bell, Writing Road to Reading, etc.) a lot of extra tuition both at home and via tutors, and a lot of one-on-one. From age 5 to age 10 except for Christmas and her birthday, there was not one night in the year, summer or winter that we did not sit down to a minimum of three hours of extra work on top of her school-assigned homework load. This is the first year that I have been able to leave her to handle her own work alone, and the first year that we have done no therapy whatsoever. I also have a now 5 year-old who both benefited and suffered from my experience with her older child. The benefits were that I recognized the problems bright and early, and her CAPD got fixed before it had time to screw up her language acquisition and reading. She is in Jr. K and can read independently. The negatives are that even though she is very much the younger, she got a lot less interaction and one-on-one than my elder child. And yes, that is a problem, and yes, she resented it.

–Well he failed 7th grade and unfortunately he doesn’t seem too disturbed by this, because he showed no remorse for his lack of effort.

Suppose you were clinically obese and developed Type II diabetes, had a heart attack, or had some other serious illness which could plausibly be related to your “lack of effort”. Your boss says to you, “Well, Doug, I hope you learned a lesson from your myocardial infarction. You lost 50 percent of your left ventricle, and you can’t even walk a block without stopping to rest. Congratulations! Maybe next time you’ll take my advice about diet and exercise.” What would your reaction be? If you didn’t need the job VERY badly, you’d slug him, right? And let me tell you, no jury would convict you of battery.