Hi all,
Where do I begin? Well, the most urgent issue would be concerning my ADHD eight year old daughter. Until recently she has been predominately inattentive type w/o hyperactivity. We had her tested just this fall by the University Neuro Specialty Clinic, which said that ADHD characteristics were noted, but no severe learning or psyc. problems. They did note that since my responses were more extreme than that of the teachers and my husband, all who spend less time with her I might add, that I was probably over reacting to her behavior. Well, over the last three months she has become increasingly difficult. She has been developing worrisome impulse control problems. Once she threw our cat at my face after watching someone do similar on tv. Just last night she sprayed her five year old brother in the face with Lysol cleaner. When these kinds of things happen she tries to say they are always accidents, but especially in this incident, we know she is not telling the truth. When we use punishments like restrictions and timing her out, she is loud, defiant, and disrupts the whole household. To make matters worse, after the “spraying her brother” incident, she also accidentally knocked her father’s work lap top computer off the desk, and it would not work after that. My husband of course lost his cool at this point and said ugly things to her. We have had her in mental health counseling with our county center for a year now, but it seems to us she is getting more out of control, not less. I think we need family counseling, but there is a high probability that we won’t be able to afford that. Even so, I am concerned that wihtout some highly experienced counseling, matters will continue to get worse. The stress level seems to unbearable at times. Oh and I didn’t mention that my husband’s mother has had a stroke, lost some of her sight, been diagnosed with an artery blockage requiring several trips for testing, and may be inoperable. She lost her husband one year ago, but refused to move closer to us, moved five miles further out. Now to go get her and take her home it takes the better part of a day. My husband has been going with her, but fears loosing his job if he continues missing work. Also, we found out last month, that I am pregnant, which was completely unexpected and completely unplanned as I was on the verge of returning to college at least part time. I have guilt for letting myself and those encouraging family members down for not going. Still, with all that has been going on, I have decided this was God’s way of letting me know, our family isn’t quite ready for that commitment yet. At the same time, I am very apprehensive, and anxious about what stresses this new family member will bring on our already wrenched family. Any advice, or opinions you can offer will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
Re: Family coming unglued!
The suggestion that you might be ‘overreacting’ is absurd. A mother spends more time with a child than any one else. In that time, a mother has more one on one interaction with a child than does any teacher or psychologist. It is perfectly appropriate that you might find your daughter’s ADHD more trying than a teacher who spends only 6 hours a day with her or certainly than the psychologist who does the testing and then walks out of your life.
After having deemed you to be ‘overreacting’…
ADHD children can be very trying. I know - I had one. It simply cannot be an ‘accident’ that she threw the cat in your face or sprayed her brother with Lysol. Those things are very concerning. They are more than impulsive behaviors - they suggest anger to me. ADHD children can be impulsive. They can throw things to be sure. But to pick up the family cat and throw it is more than impulsive. There were likely other things around that could have been thrown. She could have simply smacked her brother as does some ADHD children. But instead she picked up a chemical and sprayed it and in his face.
That’s not typical ADHD impulsive behavior. If she saw someone throw a cat on television, in fact, that says she’s put some planning into her behavior. It’s not pure impulse.
Does your daughter take medication for her ADHD? That can be helpful although some parents prefer not to go that route. It may also be that given the current stresses in your life that your daughter is feeling those stresses as well.
When it comes to family life, none of us know more than anyone else but I know I was unable to help out my parents much when I was raising young children. Your mother in law needs to understand that as you have young children she either needs to live closer to you or to find other transportation. Sometimes there are senior citizen services or churches who have volunteer drivers for those who can’t get around on their own.
In regard to college, I’d only say it’s nothing to feel guilty about. There’s always time to go to college. These days you can take courses on-line. Check out Foothill College in California. They have an on line program which is fairly inexpensive too.
Good luck.
Re: Family coming unglued!
Karen presented some research recently that said that impulsivity peaks at around 8 and starts to fade between 9 and 10. So, keep the faith, maybe she is really peaking. I saw this with my son. He was terrorizing his brother almost constantly. It wasn’t as extreme as your situation so Sara may be right that there is some anger in the mix that needs to be dealt with. He is 9 and it is starting to fade. I also put him on a high protein diet so who knows what really helped.
Grandma will have to be offered a few options. Move closer or move into an assistive living home.
Get the book, “Back Talk,” I use the methods in the book on both my child and my husband. I just calmly state what I am willing to do and not do. There are no fights. It is all just very matter of fact taking a stand stuff and not accepting negative behavior or progecting negative behavior.
Good Luck!
Re: Family coming unglued!
Deb, don’t assume that you can’t afford family counseling. Check first with the center where your daughter receives counseling now. Maybe it’s time to switch counselors. A “family therapy” point of view is that your daughter’s behaviors don’t happen in isolation— to truely “fix” the problem the whole family dynamic surrounding it must change. Our insurance covered family counseling because my child had a diagnosis (adhd/depression)— it would not have been covered otherwise. If you have insurance, call the company and find out exactly what they will cover. Call the department of social services— sometimes they can find a way to qualify a family for services (though in our county, it seems you have to beat the kids before you get help)
Re: Family coming unglued!
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is an excellent Book. You may want to try that.
Re: Family coming unglued!
The full title is, “Backtalk: 4 steps to ending rude behavior in your kids. By, Ricker and Crowder.
I found it on Amazon. I sadly gave my copy away years ago. I bought that book when my son was 5 and it totally changed, my parenting style which in turn changed my entire household. I had a friend that was using the techniques at the same time and we both were pinching ourselves at our good fortune.
It was actually profiled on 20/20 years ago. They had the video of the people doing the incorrect parenting too permissive, too much screaming from both parents and kids. Then they showed life after the book. Calm household with the parents clearly in charge. I really also like the book because it is very short, very simple. There isn’t alot of extraineous yada yada. It just tells you how to do it.
Re: Family coming unglued!
I also have a daughter very similar to your d’s behavior. What helps me is to remember that every six months or so she goes through a developmental stage. The analogy I think of is that each stage is like stacking blocks. Only with ADD all the blocks have to be knocked down before another can be added. If you watch, yo may see a patttern of bezerk behavior for about two months then a period of calmness.
Re: Family coming unglued!
“Karen presented some research recently that said that impulsivity peaks at around 8 and starts to fade between 9 and 10. So, keep the faith, maybe she is really peaking. “
Ohmygosh!!!!!!!!!! This really explains a LOT. I have a 9yo dd with ADHD. The distractability and impulsivity are her most significant hardships. The distractability hurts her the most and I no longer underestimate the unseen damage it can cause her. But the impulsivity is external - irritating/dangerous/offensive, etc.to all around her - and really pushes my buttons. It’s even gotten to hubby - who is eternally patient with her. The meds help her with this tremendously, with meds she doesn’t even think of doing 1/4 the stuff she does w/o them.
To the OP, I would kindly suggest you attack your issues one step at a time - that is what helped me the most when times were low and overwhelming. Regarding your dd’s ADHD, what about behavioral or family therapy and one on one help for dd? Poor thing, her problems are affecting your entire family life.
Re: Family coming unglued!
I have an 8 year old son who has ADHD and is certainly accident prone. He is high inattentive and mildly hyperactive and deals with learning disabilities.
He could not cope without medication - he is on concerta right now and is a wonderful child to have around. Of course medication does not cure, but helps you better help your child deal with their ADHD.
Is your daughter on medication? We were very hesitant but desperate and meds have made a huge difference. We have also learned that many children with ADHD also have comorbid emotional disorders - which range from oppositional defiance disorder, to mildly bi-polar.
Perhaps a good psychiatrist would help with medication and some counseling as far as treating her symptoms. We live in the Chicago area and have a psychiatrist at the New Life Clinic. There are a lot of good resources online as well as the public library - books and videos- which you might suggest for you and your husband to spend a few hours on a Friday night so that you could both educate yourselves with your daughter’s disability.
I do empathize with you and hope that things get better. What is your school doing for her? There are professionals connected to your school district that can help if she is exhibiting these behaviors in school and/or struggling with learning/socializing, etc.
Hope this helps - keep in touch.
Blessings.
pat
Re: Family coming unglued!
Thanks Sara,
We had emergency surgery for Grandma this week and I hadn’t had a chance to even check back for my responses on this. I appreciate the hint about foothills college also, I will check that out. I appreciate the support very much!
Deb
Re: Family coming unglued!
Thanks for responding D,
It helps to know I am not alone in this. Yes, we’ve had her attending individual counseling for a year now at the county child and adolescent mental health services. The counselor is about to leave on maternity and suggested we take a break, maybe for good as she feels my daughter is seeing her visits as social not helpful. My daughter says she is embarassed to tell her counselor all of her feelings and about the incidents at school and home that she isn’t proud of. I don’t know that she is getting the best help there and have thought often that perhaps we need to find a new counselor.
Re: Family coming unglued!
Deb - have you considered family counseling?
We did short-term family therapy for about two months. Initially, hubby was particularly uncomfortable with it - I was a bit too. But it made such a difference to us! With the right counselor or therapist, it can help tremendously.
What it did for us was showed us the family dynamics that had evolved - stuff that b/c we were in the thick of it - we didn’t see at all. It also gave us a lot of help with how to handle not only the ADHDer’s behavior, but it applied to my younger as well. It was things like giving us the skill set to identify/prevent triggers for dd’s behavior, a skill I still use with both my kids today.
Also, a MAJOR benefit was for me and hubby (and he was/is a great husband/father). To this day, hubby doesn’t talk about going to therapist, much less admit the good it did, but…….. There are some things, while I couldn’t have been standing on my head screaming it 50 times, he wouldn’t have absorbed. When it came from the therapist, it registered with him and he has acted on those observations to this day (still not admitting it helped though ). It was impactful for him to hear some things from an outside objective source and learning about how we function as a “parental unit”. It helped me too for that matter for some of my quirks/behaviors that affected us all.
We all went to the sessions, but some were kids in waiting room w/ just us with therapist, some 1/2 and 1/2, some all of us, etc.
GL
d
It sounds like you had enough going on to make anyone come unglued without adding this into the mix, and I am sure your daughter feels the same stress. Family therapy is usually a wonderful thing if everyone goes into it with an open mind. Depending on how you have been raised, the change from using “rewards” instead of “punishments” can be tough. I found that this switch worked well for my son. He is 11 now, was “unofficially” diagnosed when he was 4 but didn’t get “officially” diagnosed until he was 6 and he started meds then. We have not needed to use the behavior mod program for the last 3 years, with the exception of dealing with his remembering items necessary to do his homework last year and that has now been stopped as well. Relax, there are others who have been where you are and survived. I know for a couple of years I thought I was going to lose my mind-well it’s still here!! Well, ast least I think so. Good Luck. Using this site to vent your feelings is always a good move!!!!!!