Something to smile about

Please enjoy!! Warning: some of the language is a bit crude.

Laurie

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a
cat. She asked
him if it was dead or alive. “Dead.” She was informed.
How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the
child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher
exclaimed in surprise.”You know,” explained the boy,
“I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later….”Da-ad….” “What? “I’m thirsty. Can you
bring drink of
water?” “No.You had your chance. Lights out. “Five
minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…..”“WHAT?” I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a
drink
of water??” “I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll
have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad….. WHAT!?!
“When
you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?”

______________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting
into mischief,
finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into
Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll
run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
> >door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake,
Dylan, come in or
stay
> >out!’”

______________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
“Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The
mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,”
she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room”! A long
silence was broken at last by his shakey little voice:
“The big sissy.”
____________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the
children’s sermon.! All the children were invited to
come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom
says
it’s a b____ to iron.”
___________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my
three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready
to get into the shower. She said,”Mommy, you are
getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember
Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she
replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

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> >-TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, “Two
plus five, that son of a b____ is seven. Three plus
six, that son of a
b_____ is nine….” His mother heard what he was
saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little
boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the
mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the
mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are
you
teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied,
“Right
now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked,
“And
are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of
a b____ is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus
two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

______________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
when chicken little
tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so
Chicken Little went up to
the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!” The teacher
paused then asked the class, “And what do you
think
that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and
said, “I think he said: ‘Holy S___! A talking
chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.