Sometimes I get resentful

I hear you on this one Caren. I sometimes get so resentful of the school and the way they have dealt with my son as well. My son has not been on meds for several years now. There have been numerous times that I have had teachers tell me that I need to put my son on Ritalin or some other med. Some have even given me a hard time about not doing it and questioned my parenting skills. Oh it would just burn me up! I would think “how dare they tell me to medicate my son”. They seem to think that if I medicate him everything will be just fine and dandy.
I get upset because I don’t think some of the teachers are really trying with my son. They learn that he is ADHD with no meds and give up on him right from the start. There have been a few wonderful teachers who have really been understanding and have went to great lengths to help my child succeed. Sadly, these kind of teachers are the minority.
I think that if the teachers would make class more interesting and have more hands on learning experiences then children with ADHD/ADD would do much better. I can only imagine how difficult it is for my son in some of his mundane classes. You know the ones: Go to class, sit down, no talking, listen to lecture, take notes and that’s it. It is absolutely dreadful for him.
I have been a minimalist with meds too. Though I will be visiting the doc soon to try Strattera. I always felt weird about how my son acted on meds. It did control his symptoms some but I felt like he wasn’t the same kid anymore. As if the meds were masking part of his true self.
It’s a tough issue.
Caren, are you the one who has a child that’s been on Strattera for a couple of months?
Michelle C

I resent school too and I find myself wondering if it’s like this everywhere? My own children are out of school now but I lived in fear of the ‘phone call’ every day. I felt as if school always had the upper hand.

To get through it, we needed to be very cagey and strategic. When the phone call came, I had to say all the things they wanted me to say or get labeled as uncooperative. We have to do what they tell us to do or they say our children won’t be successful in school.

I don’t quite understand when and how school got to be so powerful in family’s lives. I don’ t understand why an institution paid for by taxpayers with tax dollars is so disrespectful of those same taxpayers and the needs of families. I don’t understand why school is more important the the family but it certainly feels as if it has gotten to be that way to me.

I don’t think that you are being resentful at all. I think you are seeing the light.

When you find that your child needs to do things a certain way, for instance he needs to write backhand instead of forward as usually is taught. Speak up and tell them that is the way it is going to be. No if’s ands but’s about it. YOU are the one that is with the child most of the time. If a teacher knoew how difficult it is for a child I too think they would listen to the people who have ADD/ADHD and the parents.

That was my biggest complaint. I will always believe that a teacher cannot teach a child with ADD/ADHD unless they too have it. My opinion. WE all are not alike. So for a teacher to teach one standard from the book is wrong and only more confusing to a child with ADD/ADHD.

Each person has to learn their own way. My Gosh, even a person without ADHD has to learn their own way.
Speak up. You are your childs advoquate. And you are the best he will ever have.

I too have learned to play the game. I used to share everything. I used to tell them about all the remediation I do. I think I was expecting a, “Good job, we need more parents as involved as you.” Instead it was implied that I am stealing his childhood which just could not be further from the truth. This even while they admit that he is a happy well adjusted kid. I even agreed to have the school psych interview him when he was having trouble with a teacher. She said, “He didn’t say anything bad about the teacher.” Now this is a kid who has been told to respect adults and rarely says anything bad about anyone. He also said the school psych never asked him about the teacher. He has a new teacher who adores him and he is very happy.

I won’t share anything anymore. If they offer help I don’t need I just say, “Thanks but no thanks.” I make it clear what I want and expect and will always try to get the right teacher. Beyond that these people are pretty useless to me. You just play along, get what you want from them, don’t explain, excuse or justify. It is none of their damn business.

Oh, and Caren, you can change those neural pathways. It isn’t always easy but it is doable.

Yes, I’m the self appointed president of the Straterra fan club! 50 days and counting. Still quite happy, it is a much “LESS” drug than amphets. Being a fellow med minimalist, you will appreciate a lot about this med. It seems very streamlined, effecting only the one itty bitty thing I need it to. His attention span. The other drugs do too many “other” things to the rest of his system. He eats and sleeps and grows and best of all, I have my beautiful, yet different boy back. I hope your son does as well as we are doing on it. Any Q’s just shoot.

Regarding your post, make very very certain you school is not holding it against your son for you not medding. They can be very coniving in trying to convince you to med your boy, but taking it out on the child is illegal and liable. I agree the schools are behind our problems. My son never caused a day of greif at home. Even in school, he doesn’t need one on one all day, just a little extra attention. Just make it fun and you’ll get my sons undivided attention. If you have had some teachers you have loved, write down what they did that worked so well and make sure it goes into his IEP. Then make sure they are abiding by the IEP. We are going into 2nd grade next year, and the school has agreed to let me “interview” next years teachers and at least letting me voice my opinion on whom he should get. Can’t tell you what a bitch I had to be to get that privilage!

I guess I’m a rebel, I found “Uncooperative” gave me a lot more leverage. An insider parent told me the staff nick named me “Hell in heels”. I’d stop in at the school to drop off a sweater, they all scatter. , but I look at it this way; No one wants to deal with me, I’m always well armed with info and the law and I’m very quick witted. They try very hard not to mess up with my boy as they very clearly remember what dad and I are like to deal with. As long as I put on this act, he won’t fall through the cracks. Don’t get me wrong, we are very nice people..really. We are popular within our neighborhood and become fast friends with their school buddy’s parents. I am human, I’d rather be liked than not liked, but not if it’s going to compromise my son’s education. This doesn’t come natural to everyone, and I’m happy to say I’ve been able to slack off lately, they are doing right by him. But at the start of the year, I’m sure I’ll have to put on the heels again!

I guess I’m a rebel, I found “Uncooperative” gave me a lot more leverage. An insider parent told me the staff nick named me “Hell in heels”. I’d stop in at the school to drop off a sweater, they all scatter. , but I look at it this way; No one wants to deal with me, I’m always well armed with info and the law and I’m very quick witted. They try very hard not to mess up with my boy as they very clearly remember what dad and I are like to deal with. As long as I put on this act, he won’t fall through the cracks. Don’t get me wrong, we are very nice people..really. We are popular within our neighborhood and become fast friends with their school buddy’s parents. I am human, I’d rather be liked than not liked, but not if it’s going to compromise my son’s education. This doesn’t come natural to everyone, and I’m happy to say I’ve been able to slack off lately, they are doing right by him. But at the start of the year, I’m sure I’ll have to put on the heels again!

Wow, I didn’t know that cloning worked that well Caren.

I hear you loud and clear. Take one word of advise though. Do not make the mistake that I did. Some of the things I had to do in my sons defense were overheard by him in one way or the other. Either at school while he was with me, or at home nearby while I was on the phone. Be the rebel that you are but keep it from him if you are not already doing that.

Caren,

I’ve been lucky in that no one at school has ever pushed me to medicate my child. My husband and I came to that decision on our own, with lots of medical advice, or course. We think medication has been life-changing for our son and we are glad we did it. I know what you are saying about kids being able to develop ways around their ADHD. I think it is true that some people can do that and, if they can be happy and successful without the meds, then that is great. One thing I’ve noticed with my son is that the meds helped him to develop better study habits and to stick with hard things. Because he was able to stay on track and not get frustrated, he was able to learn better ways of doing things. Even off the medication (we do not medicate on weekends or holidays), I can see improvements and I am hopeful that someday he will be able to do without medication. For right now, however, the contrasts between his abilities on and off medication is still too great.

Andrea

Ummmmm, too late for that. My son already knows that some of the things his school does is wrong, and that I stand up for his rights. What were the repricushions you found? I have worried about this, but so far, so god. We are careful in explaining that they have different rules at school than home and he has to obey them. Some seem silly but they are there for a reason, just like laws. He’s only 7 and we have only had problems with him standing up for himself and it escalating a little too far, but it seemed no more his fault than the other child and even the school should bear some of the guilt. He is a very nice and well behaved boy. He is very unassuming and trusting and we know he is the type who will be taken advantage of, street smarts don’t come natural to him. He has never started a fight, only risen to the occasion. I trust him to make the right decision, and so far so good. Some believe he should be taught to walk away and we do try to explain situations when he should, but he hasn’t really faced anything he couldn’t handle. We are not the walk away kind of people. How our street smarts skipped his gene pool, we’ll never understand. Still, when I hear a remark like yours, I worry. I hope I’m not teaching him wrong, but we can’t always be there to protect him. He really is shaping up to be a beautiful person, brave, good and righteous. He says “I’m all about the underdog, mom”.

My sons 7th grade science teacher last year was one of the best teachers he’s ever had. She didn’t have ADHD herself but her nephew did so she was well educated on the subject. She was right there in the conferences with me and the other teachers. When one of them told me I needed to medicate my son she was all over them. Great gal! She was a spunky lady with high energy and made her class very fun for the kids. Lot’s of hands on learning. Of course my son thrived in her class and she genuinely liked him. I wish we could have brought her along to 8th grade as well,lol.

This school year we have moved twice and we will be moving again at the beginning of the next school year. That has made it really tough for my son. When we move again it will be into our own first home, so we will finally be settled. I have to admit that I have not been a strong advocate for my son this year. And yes, of course I feel guilty. All the moves and re-adjusting have taken a toll on me as well. I’m working with my son daily but have had little contact with the school.
It all gets to be such a lot to deal with at times and I just haven’t had it in me to fight with them lately.
Michelle C

there was resentment as he grew older. More embarrassment i think as i look back. What a life inside of the ADD/ADHD person.

I have a new hero and it’s you. I admire your approach and your son is very fortunate to have a mother who is willing to ‘fight city hall’ openly.

Yes, the moving is tougher than you think. I too was shuffled around as a kid.

I guess that having a teacher who has a relative with ADD/ADHD is as close as you can get. But can you imagine in your wildest dreams if only we with ADD/ADHD were able to be hired to guide a student with ADD/ADHD?

I guess my whole point is that the guidance of ADD/ADHD is not in text. It is in the brain of the person and until there is text in the brain that can be read by a teacher then I will always say..only a person with ADD/ADHD should be helping a student with the disorder. My neurologist agrees. The best in my starte and the only one who specializes in it. He also has given so much to us by speaking at our ADD?ADHD classes.

I understand your reason for not wanting to medicate your son and no matter how anyone feels it is your right, and it is not right if any teacher questions your choice…however I teach a child with ADHD whose parents have made the same choice. It is very hard for him and equally hard for the rest of the class when I have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep him on task and out of his neighbor’s books, desk, face, etc. I sat down and calculated one day that in 6.5 hours, we have one 50 minute Special, 60 minutes for lunch/recess, 20 minutes of dismissal, 20 minutes of bathroom time, and 45 minutes of redirecting this boy time. This was obviously not all in one shot, but 1-3 minutes at a time waiting for him to find his book, put away his book, stop making armpit farts, stop throwing eraser pieces at his classmates, stop making the girl next to him scream by turning his eyelids inside out……this left me with 3 hours to teach what is supposed to amount to 6 hours a week of math, 2.5 hours a week of Social Studies, 2.5 hours a week of Science, 8 hours a week of Language/Reading/Spelling.

Yes I question on a daily this boy’s parent’s choice and it is often frustrating, but to voice this opinion in a way that “tells” you what to do is wrong. I discussed the medication issue with them at our first conference and they shared their opinion and that was all I could do and all that I would consider doing. He is classified and has an Assistive Listening Device and other modifications, but when is focused I see so much more there. Please keep an open mind when the teacher’s talk to you about medication, and then hopefully the teacher will also keep an open mind when hearing your choice. No matter what…………it is your choice.

I don’t like the idea of using meds either and teaching compensating strategies at home will go a long way at school. He is your child but the school must try and educate many children. Good teachers use strategies to help all students to get organized and to develop thinking skills but they are responsible not only for your child but for all who attend school. Sharing what works at home to help with thinking skills/organization would be a positive step to working with the school not against it.

Amen! I find it extremely interesting how many parents can’t do anything with their kids, take them to a Dr., get a ADHD diagnosis, and do nothing more about it but expect the school to somehow be miracle workers. I love your post and it is not an exaggeration about time required with an ADHD student with these behaviors. It might be interesting if there was a day some parents could come to school, prepare one of those “hands on” lessons, keep them engaged for the entire class. No, can’t show a video. I think their position about the schools responsibility might change - I often wonder what their responsibility is after getting the ADHD label. We are getting more and more kids who are IEPd with only ADHD as the problem and they are not medicated and yes we as educators will often say “what am I suppose to do with them?”

Maybe because the school is held accountable to educate all students that walk through their doors and it’s hard to do when you spend the majority of the day trying to get non-medicated ADHD students to discontinue disruptive behaviors. No Child Left Behind will have some interesting situations occur. I hope some day doctors are required to heal everyone or they get sued and lawyers must win all their cases or they get disbared. Then there may be equity in what teachers are expected to do.

There no reasonable parent on these posts who expect a teacher to control and educate a child that cannot be dealt with even at home. A child who is crawling out of their skin and climbing the walls and can’t even contribute to a family relationship much less a class room! No, none of us a expecting that. If you have a child like that in your class Beverly, I’ll agree your in a bad way, and shouldn’t be put in that situation. And I’m not making excuses for that parents decisions, but I’m not blinded. But don’t blame that child or the parents. It’s a Crappy school or system that can’t find a better place for that child than in the classroom with normal and high funtioning kids. Why isn’t that kid in special ed? Why isn’t there and AID in your classroom if he so bad? It’s a crappy board of ed you have that is letting everyone else kids suffer because they don’t care enough to come up woith another idea! As a fellow parent, I’d be pissed too, but not at my child or even you. I’d be pissed that I cought my hose in such a crappy school district. I’d move!

Your post was well put, BRAVO and all that! but you weren’t speaking to very many of us. The situation you described is not a common one, in fact it’s very rare. A majority of kids aren’t that severe ADD? And the ones that are have so many problems at home, most parents are glad to be medicating. We don’t want that suffering unmedicated innocent victim of his parents in our classroom either. There is a much more common child out there. The situation I and other parents here are specifically pissed about is the nice, mostly well behaved child that day dreams, thats a little odd, that has a little more energy than the kid sitting next to him. . If you abided by the IEPs and read throught the evaluation you might just learn something helpful and see that you have been doing things all wrong. If teachers were trained the way the should be, they’d know how to teach ever type of thinker! Our children aren’t that hard to teach, you just needs a different perspective. The child that, by the way, if you took the time to try and teach, you’d would find was brilliant. If you took the time you’d find that all he/she needs is a little one on one for 5-10 mintues and he would learn what would take the rest of the class and hour! A child, that it’s your job to educate even if he or she is different. That’s the child most of us have and most of us are talking about. I’m sorry Scotty learns a little differently than suzy or Bobby, I do all I can at home and it’s ALREADY 10x what Suzy and Bobby’s parents do. The rest is that’s your job! It’s very disturbing that you hold this resentment against our kids! What about the class clown? The shy girl? The bully spitting spit balls at your back? Should we remove them all from your class and give you your little perfect room of little angels? Get real. Thats not who makes up this world!

And tough on you if you have to do a little exitra! That’s your job! When our jobs get tough, we rise to the occasion, we don’t conspire with the rest of the school staff and board of ed to make things more difficult. When I get a hard to please customer at my job, that’s a challenge to me. I don’t try to change that customer, or ignor him or complain about the decisions his parents made! I try to chnage MY point of view, MY services, MY policies, and what MY company has to offer. In the end, all that I do results in getting that customer what I’m paid to get him. That’s what everyone else does at every other job that requires them to deal with human beings. That’s what makes us good at our job.

Please forgive my mispellings and horrible grammer/puntuations, but I’m pissed and signing off. If you can’t be supportive and helpful on this board just keep you fingers off the key board and read. That’s what we come here for, you know. To help and support each other and share experiences and get/give advice. Not to be made to feel like @!#$ because our kids are different and make your job so hard! If you have something to say and share about your LD child fine, other than that, your post belongs on a “POOR ME, POOR ME” teacher board.

I am so fed up with the ld system.I feel it is highly being overused,the children are stuck in it throughout all of their schooling.Two of my three children are in ld and I feel it is un necessary.One of my daughters was diagnosed adhd and the other was not.Children do not want to be categorized,yet the schools do not see that.Are there any other parents who feel like I do?Does anyone have any suggestions about getting my daughters mainstreamed?Society does not or should not seperate people because of their differences,So Why do our schools?I feel what the school system is doing is the same as segregation.If you talk to my daughters,you would never notice their “disabilities”.No one wants to go through life being labeled or feeling like they are second best.I would like to fight the school system but do not know where to begin.I don’t appreciate the teachers setting restrictions and limitations on my children.The real world doesn’t work that way.
Michele

Please! There are plenty of non adder’s who are just as disruptive! And there is certainly plenty of medicated ADDers that still misbehave. We don’t go against the school. The school goes against us and our rights and take advantage of our ignorance. The system sucks and we want it to change! You can’t defend a public system that only works for some kids. There is no excuse for that. I’m not saying your job is easy, I wouldn’t want to deal with these kids all day either! That’s why I’m not a teacher. But if you didn’t want to deal with the behavior of children, you picked the wrong career! If your job is hard it’s because of the system, not our kids! They have always been there and always will be. We aren’t fighting you. We are fighting the whole system.

Good for you Michele! Don’t be intimuidated or made to feel bad for standing up for your child! Don’t let any one tell you to stop fight the schools! If it wasn’t for parents like us, our children would be complete victims of the systems! Things have to change! Unfortunately, the only way the system is going to be overhauled is if every parent of a child with special needs is educated about their rights and stands up.

This board is just a small percentage of parents. There a many,many parents out there who have not idea that their child isn’t getting the right services, that their child has not been properly diagnosed, and that they are not to blame for the crappy education their child is receiving.

The only way to change the system , is to fight it, with every ounce of your strenght. People need to stop worrying about rocking the boat. In the end, who suffers, your child does!

Caren is right, this problem is much much bigger than our teachers and goes much farther than the classroom! And it’s not going to change if it is left to sail on calm seas.

I have worked hard to remediate my son’s deficits. The schools don’t do this. Sped is about placement not remediation. At least that is what it is about where I live and it seems many others based on many of the posts I have seen from parents on these boards.

I really did see him start to sink into the swamp that is sped in district. He started to not believe in himself. He is so verbally bright but the sped teachers id not recognize this. They never mentioned it. It was ALL about the deficits so he himself started to believe that is who he was. His regular ed teacher mentions how bright he is all the time. I think her lack of understanding of deficits is a plus. She doesn’t have preconcieved notions of what an LD child is like.

He is doing 1000 times better in a regular class. Some of this is my remediation efforts but I also believe alot of it is that he now believes he is a child who can.

I think one ofthe reasons they liked him in sped was because he was a nice buffer. He is well behaved and that helped with some of the other kids.

I can understand where you are coming from as an educator. I’m sure it is frustrating having an ADD/ADHD child in a classroom. There is no question about it, it is not easy.
However I have to agree with the following from another list member:
“And tough on you if you have to do a little extra! That’s your job! When our jobs get tough, we rise to the occasion, we don’t conspire with the rest of the school staff and board of ed to make things more difficult. When I get a hard to please customer at my job, that’s a challenge to me. I don’t try to change that customer, or ignor him or complain about the decisions his parents made! I try to chnage MY point of view, MY services, MY policies, and what MY company has to offer. In the end, all that I do results in getting that customer what I’m paid to get him. That’s what everyone else does at every other job that requires them to deal with human beings. That’s what makes us good at our job.”

As for me going into a classroom and trying to teach a room full of kids, FORGET IT!! That’s not what I want to do. But educators obviously wanted that job. So they need to stop whining about it and stand up to the challenges that are presented to them, finding ways to help solve them. I believe that making lessons more exciting would help all children, not just ADHD and other LD children. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means anti-teacher. As a group I stand behind them but there is always room for improvement.
Michelle C