Hello! I desperately need some advice. Eight days ago, my wife and I brought a child into our home with the intention of adopting him. We had several visits and other than some hyperactive behavior, we didn’t have any concerns. We are the fourth family he has been placed with since he was brought from Poland. We were told he was 3 1/2, and might possibly have some “very mild fetal alcohol syndrome.” I took him to a preschool and he was evaluated with some potential for special needs, but no glaring problems. Thursday we recieved medical records from the first adoptive family. He is 6 1/2 years old. He was treated for 1 year with Adderal XR 10mg for ADHD and clonidine for sleep disturbances. He is very active, but can sit to listen to a book while seeming to pay attention but he cannot stay on task with anything for more than one step, one bite of food, etc. He has tantrums when asked/told to do something, screaming and scratching/pinching my wife. He is only agressive with her. He plays very well with our 16 month old son and other children in our family. We see no signs of agression with him. He is only agressive with my wife. Our pediatrician recommended we “send him back” before we are “too attached.” He said we had no idea of the heartache a child with ADHD/ LD/ and behavior challenges would be. He said we should be prepared for a child who never lives as an independant adult, who cannot be left alone with our other son, and to fight the school system every day for his needs. He also said many couples break up over children like this. He said this before he examined my son, just from the medications and diagnoses from the records we took him. We don’t want to send him back, but is it fair to our other child? Any advice?
Please clarify
You adopted what you thought was a 3 1/2 yr old child and he is over 6? Am I misreading this?
IF that is true you are dealing with a very unscrupulous adoption agency and you should NOT believe a word you have been told. Have him tested on your own-be sure to have an IQ test done-and then make your decision.
No, ADHD is not going to prevent a child from living on his own but it sounds like you have far more than that going on. Attachment disorder comes to mind-I suggest you research it-this has been the huge problem with foreign adoptions and by age 6, ouch, you would truly have your work cut out for you!
My heart goes out to you and I personally would never hold it against you if you returned this child-it sounds like you were seriously misled.
Re: Please clarify
attachment disorder:
“As a relatively new diagnosis to the DSM-IV manual, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), also known as Attachment Disorder (AD). It is often misunderstood, and relatively unknown. Expertise is even less available, and normal behavior treatments can very easily add to the symptoms if treated by instinctive patterns. Experts in RAD estimate that this disorder has been misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder in 40 to 70 percent of the cases.
All to often these individuals grow up untreated and become sociopaths without conscience and without concern for anyone but themselves. This condition was made popular by the recent academy award winning movie “Good Will Hunting.” But unlike the movie, the hero, or heroine rarely drives off into the sunset to have a happy ever after life. More realistically, parental dreams are lost, and they grow up uncaring and without social conscience.”
..and that’s just a start. I would be getting 2nd and 3rd opinions, pronto! I think you need a lot more information before you make a decision. The welfare of the whole family is at stake. If you even consider taking this on you’d better be sure your insurance will cover mega-expenses for the extensive psych treatment he may need.
My heart goes out to you…
Re: adoption
I apologize, I didn’t read the post well enough (got stuck on adhd’ers not having a life). I agree, I would not adopt this kid without knowing a WHOLE lot more of what has gone on before and what may be necessary in the future to treat it. He may well be beyond the garden variety family’s ability to cope. Also, legal recourse against an agency representing kids to be other than the reality? Huge difference between a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old.
Re: adoption
My heart is breaking reading this. I did not have the option of sending my dd “back” nor would I ever have wanted to (ok, well sometimes but don’t we all and that applies to my non-ADHD’er too ).
Having an ADHD child with learning differences has been challenging. Through my experiences parenting her and advocating for her, I have grown in ways I couldn’t even imagine when I gave birth to her. It’s been an interesting, challenging, sometimes difficult, enriching and entirely loving experience - and a major commitment. I have learned so much about topics I never even knew existed.
It is also probably one of my proudest achievements making sure she is on the right track and has the tools she needs to succeed. After seeing the sparkle in her eye disappear and her self esteem plummet that have since been rebuilt pretty much to what it used to be - that’s my reward and joy.
My younger non-ADHD’er has taken a backseat sometimes to her older sister’s needs - when we were in the hell period of getting the diagnosis, securing the appropriate interventions (and yes doing battle with the school). I could not have done it any other way - there are just so many hours in the day but have dealt with that guilt. But I also think that my younger dd will have a different more tolerant perspective on people’s differences. With older dd on the right track, my time is more equitably dispersed between my two dd’s and I think I minimized/eliminated potential damage to younger dd - but it is a sensitve area for me.
Life isn’t fair as my older dyslexic ADHD’er unfortunately knew all too well by age 6. But I think even in the “best of” and “normal” (if “normal” even exists) families, life isn’t fair anyway. Life isn’t.
I would be tempted to get another opinion. The child doesn’t sound like he has had a lot of consistency which may account for the aggression. I honestly don’t know that much about FAS. But maybe a developmental pediatrician or child psychiatirst could help you sort through his records. Kids with LD’s do live independantly, so without knowing the specific support behind the doc.’s comment, his observation sounds a bit archaic.
Oh, and btw, my marriage has been strengthened by our common experiences and goals for dd - we both firmly believe that our dd will be provided whatever tool she needs for success that we are capable of providing. We’ve fallen into roles and are very much a united team.
GL in making your decision.
d
Re: adoption
The description of this child hits all the major sign of attachment disorder in one paragraph. Please do some research. Find a therapist in your area who is familiar with this problem as many are not. Being aggressive with Mom is a hallmark, charming to everyone else is a hallmark but most telling is the late adoption age-the stand out feature is an infant who does not attach-particularly from a late institution or foreign adoption Attachment disorder is a whole different ballgame than adhd and 6 years old is critically different than 3. Alarm bells should be ringing.
By the way, I checked and there has been a change in the law. Foreign adoptions do now qualify for assistance similiar to adoption within the country but it is very difficult to get. You will probably need an adocate or lawyer to get it.
Pardon my french but Man, what a sucky doctor!
By all means if you don’t have what it takes to fight for a child go ahead and give him back. What if this had been your own flesh and blood child?
As far as not being able to live on his own, make a living, learn, well this doc hasn’t a clue what he is talking about. ADHD is not anywhere in the vicinity of being the same as profoundly mentally retarded, or any other mental disability that leaves a person unable to care for themself or function in the world independently.
He may be more challenging in some ways but there is no way to tell at this time if he will have more challenges in school than the average kid.
He does sound like he has some attachment issues with him being aggressive with your wife. It would be something you would need to watch or have him in counseling for. I would think that had more to do with the fact that he is a foster kid from a different country.
May I suggest you get a second opinion?
Amy