Hello,
I have found some great advice and support here in the past.
My son is 13 and diagnosed with ADHD at age 6 (99th percentile).
He takes Aderall XR 30 mg a day.
Since he was 5, stealing and lying have been a big issue. I have tried everything from grounding to spanking - nothing worked. We tried therapy years ago but it always went like this Therapist:”why do you steal?” Pete:”I don’t know” and that was that. I thought the last few years the stealing had stopped. Recently, I heard that he and some friends “stole” soda out of a teacher’s room. Also, he tried to steal floppy disks from my sister when he was staying with her and my father over the Christmas holiday (my father no longer talks to my son over this). My Dad said he put the disks in his jacket and waved it around in front of him, like “see, you are so stupid you don’t know what I have in here.” My Dad checked and found the disks. Also, all of a sudden, he started cutting classes. Just not going to the extended day classes. Every day it’s a new lie as to why he didn’t go. My husband (Pete’s step-dad for 10 years now) has now reached his limit and doesn’t talk to Pete either. In other areas, Pete is a great kid. If I tell him to be home at 7, he’s home at 7 - the latest he’s ever been is 8 minutes and his watch was slow. If I tell him to check in at 5, he checks in at 4:45. He tells me where he’s going and with who and always alerts me to changes. He helps me when I ask (other than typical 13 year old eye rolls etc) and can be very loving and caring. It is so confusing. His biological father is a career criminal and drug addict. Pete knows this but other than a few letters, doesn’t really interact with him. I am so concerned that in the battle of nature/nurture, my good nurture will lose out to his father’s bad nature. I am sorry this post is so long, I am just at the end of my rope. Is the stealing (chronic) something that goes with ADHD? Can it be “fixed”? Where can I go? Is it too late? People are already giving up on him. I don’t want him to end up in jail. I want him to live a happy and productive life. If he continues on this path, that won’t happen.
Re: I need advice and support :-(
Do you think it is at all possible that you are enabling him in any way? Do you make excuses for him when others complain about his behavior? It is very clear to me that you love this boy very much and that he truely loves you.
I think that is what will save him in the end. It is important that you let him experience consequences and that you make it very clear that this type of behavior is just not acceptable. Ground him, take things away, whatever it takes.
Always let him know that you think he can be a great kid but that you won’t accept the bad behavior part of who he is. Say, “That is not you, I know the real you and the real you is a caring person. Then take something away calmly without screams or threats. Just matter of factly state the consequence to the action.”
It is also important to lower the bar. Do not accept the eye rolls. This is disrespectful and when you allow that you are saying it is ok to not respect me as a person. Don’t allow backtalk either. If you ask him to do something and he gives you back talk explain that is back talk and you do not accept it, and then he loses the movie or the visit to the friend whatever. (I also found it useful to have regular ‘good’ things planned knowing full well that was what I would take away if I needed too.)There is no discussion or argument it is just the way it is. Don’t set yourself up for power struggles by giving long speeches or explanations and walk away if he complains, lock yourself in the bathroom with some headphones if you have to. Be firm and consistant do this every single time. Once he sees just how serious you are he will not fight you so much. The beginning is the hardest. It may sound difficult but you won’t believe how much it can change your and his life.
I did this with my son. In the beginning I had to be very firm but as time went on we developed a very loving, respectful relationship and he will now check himself most of the time. If I am not firm enough sometimes he will even remind me as strange as it sounds. He just knows how to be good because I basically had to teach him and believe in him.
the teen yrs are hard
on everyone-I have two!
ADHD kids are more impulsive so the stealing fits-he wants it-he takes it-he isnt looking down the road to the consequences.
I would get some ADHD specific books on discipline-especially some that address teen issues. I cant recommend names but Im sure there are some out there-try a search. You arent the first with this issue Im sure
My 11 yr old is ADD but I have always wondered about my 17 yr old who soooo fits the profile-but he has no LDs and does well in school so Ive never fully investigated.
Then last week he came home with yet another speeding ticket and I typed ‘ADHD and driving’ into the search engine. The stats were sobering-traffic fatalities 4 times higher for kids w/ADHD. Speeding/following too closely are common in kids who ‘space out’ -that be my boy! All accidents and tickets have occured in the day while driving to/from school/work. Its not like the kid is out there partying and driving home at midnight drunk. Its the everyday routes and not paying attention
Yes, I know Im making excuses, but he does pay fully for all damages-we didnt access insurance and he had to work off a 500+ repair bill a few months back. But I also dont want him to be a ADHD statistic so he is going for an eval this Friday-see what the dr thinks
Re: I need advice and support :-(
You might find a book by Daniel Amen helpful. It’s called Healing ADD and he identifies about 7 subtypes of ADHD and says they each need to be treated differently. He also talks about the impact various kinds of brain injury can have and how they can present as various types of ADD. This book might give you some insights into the specific profile of your own son and might help you find a practitioner that can help you. Good luck.
Re: I need advice and support :-(
It sounds as if in his interaction with you, he is happy and productive. It’s others he has trouble with.
The incident you describe with your father is particularly interesting. He wanted to be caught.
I’d take a drastic step with this young man if you could get others on board with it. I’d treat the stealing for what I think it is - attention getting. He’s not stealing money to buy things with. He’s stealing small items of not very great value.
I’d let him have the floppy disks telling him - if you want those so badly as to steal them from your grandfather… take them then. Why wouldn’t you ask me - I might have even given them to you.
And at 13, he’s too old for extended day classes. Why is he there? More school is not always the answer. Less can be more when we’re talking about school. Rather than ask why he’s cutting extended day, I’d get him out of it. Keeping him there just invites more cutting.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru….have you talked to sch counselor!? Is there any routes do you think they could offer.
Sounds like you’ve tried quite a few things.
What does the Dr say that prescribes his medication.
He sure does sound like a sweet kid otherwise - helping in the house, being home on time, checking in when he’s supposed too…..gosh….really good kid except for the major things like stealing.
Do you thik there is any possiblity at all of street drugs being involved. Could you take him to your Dr. for a on the spot drug screen!? Just to ease your mind and let him know that you’re on to him if he is on drugs - and that it’s not acceptable.!?
Honey don’t have answers….but I do pray for resolve.
Loves,
S