Adult sister with LD, Please Help

Kay:

Sounds like you are at the end of the rope…. Just hang in there ! LD is a lifetime condition which never goes away, period. Therapy can be risky if people go to the wrong person. Try to get a recomendation from your state mental health association about how to shop for a psychologist or Psychatrist. Ask alot of questions and probe about how the proffesional handles his problems and his opinion about medication. You do not need a person not sure of themselves to advise you do you ? Meanwhile your sister is the only one who cn decide if she needs help. No one can decide for her, and do please keep hoping that she comes around to you. Hard as it is that’s reality.

Dear Kay,

I am sorry to hear about the troubles that went on in your life due to LD and how it affected your family. I did search out your other post and could really feel the anger that you are still feeling. I don’t feel that I have any real advice for you other than the obvious, which is try to forgive and get on with your own life. The reason that your post struck home is because you describe personally how long the anger lasts in the siblings of those with LD! I have 3 daughters (14, 12, 6) and the youngest has Aspergers. Sometimes I wonder what kind of awful feelings are building in my other children because of my youngest and her behavior. As you mentioned with your sis, my youngest gets a lot of attention, is manipluative (even though I have read that they aren’t capable of manipulation, I find that she is…or maybe her diagnosis is wrong…but, whatever, she has major problems), she has ruined countless trips, parties, oppourtunities for my other girls…it is a difficult situation all around! I know they are resentful of their sister and I don’t know how to fix it. My AS child is not usually “sweet”, she is usually very difficult, screams a lot, needs a lot of help with things that should come easily for a child that will be 7 in 1 1/2 months…things like getting dressed alone, putting on socks, turning on the tv, changing channels…she is learning but everything takes her a long time to learn and her sisters have to help her often. They are angry with her a lot already and I am afraid it will just get worse.

I wish the Best for you, Kay. Please try forgiveness for your OWN sake. And try to realize that whatever was done for your sister, was probably done out of extreme love for her by your parents. I know that they never meant to make you feel less important or loved…I love all my children so much, but I do sweat more over the youngest one! I’m sure that they were in turmoil as much as you were/are. LD, disabilities, differences…they are difficult to handle for even the most wonderfully caring people.

Best Wishes…
Deb

Hi Kay,

My name is Sarah, I am a 28 years old and I have a learning disability. I am just guessing here but my guess is that your sister is not working, doesn’t have her life together, you or your family have to take care of her, she doesn’t have great social skills, and you feel that she is reluctant to join the real world.
Maybe she uses drugs, maybe she’s socially inept, maybe it seems like she just doesn’t have a care in the world at times.

As someone who has been supported throughout the whole of her life by her own family I think I might have some insight into your family’s situation with your sister. When I was a senior in high school my mom got a job for me working at a dishwasher at the university in which she worked. I got fired within two/three weeks of getting that job. I got fired because in essence I didn’t have the social skills that were necessary to keeping a job. I finished high school and went onto college. In college I met a guy who broke my heart and was abusive. (I should take the time to point out that like many kids with learning disabilities back in the eighties I was always considered to be a misfit, someone who didn’t belong) I had felt isolated through the whole of my life and I stayed with him because I thought that he was the one person who wouldn’t pity me, I thought that he was the one person who got me. I broke up with him eight months later. I can honestly say that while in high school I didn’t realise all the ramifications that came with being an adult with a learning disability-unfortunately there are so many of them. Some of us were brought up with the ld resource room being the only option we had, so we were socialised with only people who were learning disabled. This caused problems because normal kids teased us for not being with them. See our disabilities are invisible, they are not on the surface, therefore since the kids couldn’t see them they made assumptions(that we were lazy; that our parents did our homework for us; that we were inept/stupid…blahblahblah). I was one of those kids who was mainstreamed and that in itself caused problems because kids didn’t understand why I acted the way I did, sort of quiet, shy, but smart, intelligent even. Being brought up in this sort of environment causes one to compartmentalize; you act one way with one set of people at school and you act differently at home. Anyway, I didn’t realise that I had problems socializing until I was 19 and I started going on job interviews. I couldn’t handle the interviews(I would be nervous and anxious, the words that I thought and had prepared to say ahead of time wouldn’t flow at all out of my mouth while on an interview) and I wouldn’t get the job. I spent part of my twenties drifting in and out of college. I would stay for two years then drop out again. I wasn’t able to find work. People don’t want to hire people who they percieve to be untrainable. See the problem with being a learning disabled adult is that your disabilities are not seen. Interviewers see that you are quiet and shy; some of them assume that you have a mental disability. Maybe they think that you’re crazy. The thing is that you’re not crazy-you’re different but not crazy. If you were to say that on a job interview though you lol might come across as crazy though. There are state agencies that help people who are disabled, but again they help people who are “really” disabled. If people can visually see your disability I think that they have more compassion for you. If people can’t see your disability they have a more difficult time seeing it, or they can’t see it altogether. I wanted to go to a medical college that would train me to work as a CNA. I went to an agency here in NYC called VESID. They stated that they needed a note saying that whomever was providing me with money couldn’t be providing me with more than one hundred dollars a month, that that was NYC law. So I had to lie(which had always been something I was taught not to do) and do that. My disability is, it used to be known as a Visual Spatial learning disability(where you can’t see spaces, visually you have trouble doing things like drawing, you can’t see the depth of the space involved; this could lead to problems like having trouble with your weight because you can’t always see yourself as heavy, you literally can’t see it-but your sense of perception is excellent, morally you know the difference between right and wrong)though got in my way. Movements are affected, the way you move, the quickness you move with is affected. I wasn’t able to become a certified CNA because I couldn’t move or remember all the associated moves one had to learn.

LD is a family issue; it involves everyone who helps you and the anger you are feeling towards your sister is a normal reaction. Your sister may know she needs therapy but she may be feeling guilty, she may not see that she has a problem.

For me I am back in school. I always feel more confident when in school. I also do volunteer work, so even though I am not the most social person in the world I know that I am able to help some people and it leaves one with a sense of accomplishment.

Sorry this is so long. -Sarah

Hi Kay,

My name is Sarah, I am a 28 years old and I have a learning disability. I am just guessing here but my guess is that your sister is not working, doesn’t have her life together, you or your family have to take care of her, she doesn’t have great social skills, and you feel that she is reluctant to join the real world.
Maybe she uses drugs, maybe she’s socially inept, maybe it seems like she just doesn’t have a care in the world at times.

As someone who has been supported throughout the whole of her life by her own family I think I might have some insight into your family’s situation with your sister. When I was a senior in high school my mom got a job for me working at a dishwasher at the university in which she worked. I got fired within two/three weeks of getting that job. I got fired because in essence I didn’t have the social skills that were necessary to keeping a job. I finished high school and went onto college. In college I met a guy who broke my heart and was abusive. (I should take the time to point out that like many kids with learning disabilities back in the eighties I was always considered to be a misfit, someone who didn’t belong) I had felt isolated through the whole of my life and I stayed with him because I thought that he was the one person who wouldn’t pity me, I thought that he was the one person who got me. I broke up with him eight months later. I can honestly say that while in high school I didn’t realise all the ramifications that came with being an adult with a learning disability-unfortunately there are so many of them. Some of us were brought up with the ld resource room being the only option we had, so we were socialised with only people who were learning disabled. This caused problems because normal kids teased us for not being with them. See our disabilities are invisible, they are not on the surface, therefore since the kids couldn’t see them they made assumptions(that we were lazy; that our parents did our homework for us; that we were inept/stupid…blahblahblah). I was one of those kids who was mainstreamed and that in itself caused problems because kids didn’t understand why I acted the way I did, sort of quiet, shy, but smart, intelligent even. Being brought up in this sort of environment causes one to compartmentalize; you act one way with one set of people at school and you act differently at home. Anyway, I didn’t realise that I had problems socializing until I was 19 and I started going on job interviews. I couldn’t handle the interviews(I would be nervous and anxious, the words that I thought and had prepared to say ahead of time wouldn’t flow at all out of my mouth while on an interview) and I wouldn’t get the job. I spent part of my twenties drifting in and out of college. I would stay for two years then drop out again. I wasn’t able to find work. People don’t want to hire people who they percieve to be untrainable. See the problem with being a learning disabled adult is that your disabilities are not seen. Interviewers see that you are quiet and shy; some of them assume that you have a mental disability. Maybe they think that you’re crazy. The thing is that you’re not crazy-you’re different but not crazy. If you were to say that on a job interview though you lol might come across as crazy though. There are state agencies that help people who are disabled, but again they help people who are “really” disabled. If people can visually see your disability I think that they have more compassion for you. If people can’t see your disability they have a more difficult time seeing it, or they can’t see it altogether. I wanted to go to a medical college that would train me to work as a CNA. I went to an agency here in NYC called VESID. They stated that they needed a note saying that whomever was providing me with money couldn’t be providing me with more than one hundred dollars a month, that that was NYC law. So I had to lie(which had always been something I was taught not to do) and do that. My disability is, it used to be known as a Visual Spatial learning disability(where you can’t see spaces, visually you have trouble doing things like drawing, you can’t see the depth of the space involved; this could lead to problems like having trouble with your weight because you can’t always see yourself as heavy, you literally can’t see it-but your sense of perception is excellent, morally you know the difference between right and wrong)though got in my way. Movements are affected, the way you move, the quickness you move with is affected. I wasn’t able to become a certified CNA because I couldn’t move or remember all the associated moves one had to learn.

LD is a family issue; it involves everyone who helps you and the anger you are feeling towards your sister is a normal reaction. Your sister may know she needs therapy but she may be feeling guilty, she may not see that she has a problem.

For me I am back in school. I always feel more confident when in school. I also do volunteer work, so even though I am not the most social person in the world I know that I am able to help some people and it leaves one with a sense of accomplishment.

Sorry this is so long. -Sarah