Dealing with Parents

fought=fault

Well, this can be a tough issue. I am both a parent and a teacher. So I will tell you my observation. I have some wonderful, caring colleagues in special education. But the majority of them have never been trained in any research-based multisensory structured language program to teach reading like Orton-Gillingham, Lindamood-Bell, Phono-graphix, etc. Most know little to nothing about things like auditory processing disorder. I know a fair amount about these things as I have gone for training in some of them on my own. So what I will say is that I probably know more about remediation than do the majority of LD teachers in my district. And that’s a big reason why I put my child with APD in a charter school out of this school system. So I will say that sometimes parents become very educated on their child’s disorder, because no one on earth loves them more.

Janis

Thanks Janis - I wanted to say something similar, but it sure sounds better coming from you! :-)

Lil

Hi—

I’m also a parent of dyslexic son and a special education teacher. If parents feel children are unhappy or not learning, they will step in out of concern (fear that child will not learn, become depressed/anxious, and out of love for the child). If kid is doing well—emotionally and academically—then Mom is usually be glad to stay out of it.

Progress is the key, along with an emotionally safe environment.

Someone once told me that everything we do is done out of love or fear. I’m not sure I buy the *everything* part—but I’ll go with a really large segment.

Another reason parents are defensive is that they often have bad previous relationships with “the system” and don’t feel they can trust the expertise of any teacher. They and their child have been let down in the past. I know my child has a very unusual disability—and is gifted and most specialists tell me they have never worked with a child like her. On the other hand, I have taught my child vast amounts—from local history, geography to math (that the teachers failed to teach her), and so forth. I have had lots of experience with teaching, yet since I do not have a credential, I am mostly dismissed in meetings—sort of like I hadn’t a clue, when I have spent years catching up the slack of good teachers who were not trained to deal with a child like mine. After three years of absolutely no progress on her academic goals, a parent of such a child becomes cynical and defensive. In my particular case, my child misinterpretes the teacher’s speech and gets totally overwhelmed at home and distraught. I have to remind the teachers to speak in a concrete fashion with her and to make sure she understands that often the teacher’s speech is not directed at her. A lot depends on what disability the child has—when you may have a notion what would work, you can also be wrong—and need to seem open to parental suggestions. Most of us have tried many, many programs and methods with our kids.
If you don’t agree with what the parents are telling you (better than silent parents), nod politely and keep it in mind when dealing with their child. they have more experience than you ever will have and they have to deal with the child 24 hours a day—you get to go home and put your feet up. They don’t always get to do that.
I used to be a Park Ranger who gave interpretive talks to the general public. You never knew when someone was in the audience who had direct or special knowledge about the subject you were discussing. You had to be prepared to acknowledge their expertise, ask them to join in the conversation, and be sure you knew precisely what you were saying. It was best as a conversation—back and forth—adapting to whatever came up-than a one-sided lecture. Unlike school, the audience was voluntary and much more critical and wide-ranging in interest and focus.

I think it can help to start with the premise that all parents want their children to do well in school. In our society, we see school as a child’s ‘work’. School is their job. As we as adults want to be successful in our lives through our jobs, so parents want their children to be successful in their job which is school. They have ideas on how their children can be helped to better success in school.

It’s also true that in our society we see school as the gateway to success in life. Parents can get pretty desperate about school.

And can every child be successful in school? When we have children of such varying abilities and different backgrounds, is it really possible for every child to be successful in school? And if by some miracle every child in my classroom and yours earned straight As, would that be ok? Or would suddenly people start yelling ‘grade inflation’ at me and you?

In any case, as classroom teachers we’re the front line. Who else can parents fight with? The school board? The state dept of education? We’re right there every day.

And if the plane went into a nose dive, wouldn’t you yell at the pilot? Wouldn’t you be screaming, “Pull the nose back up, you fool!” Every time I get on a plane I pray silently, “I hope this pilot knows what he’s doing.” I just put my life into his hands. Have you never questioned a decision of your doctor? I think as Americans we’re actually a pretty questioning, critical people. I think we do tell our government officials what to do (whether they do it or not is another thing) Americans tend to have strong opinions and we offer them up.

All that said, I’d also have to say that hardly every parent fights with us. Over years of teaching, I found my way to a stance that led to very peaceful and even warm and friendly relations with my students’ parents. I hope you can do the same.

Good luck.

My son’s old resource room teacher pretty much had the attitude that we should turn our kids over to her and pick them up in fifth grade for middle school. She wanted no parental input. It might have been OK, although not ideal, if she had been competent. I raised trouble at his school and in the district and perhaps only coincidently she left. I was never so happy.

His new teacher is wonderful. She is well trained and seeks parental input. When I tell her that he isn’t ready for X, she doesn’t do X anymore. When she gives him something that I think he really needs more practice with, I tell her. She listens because she knows that I know my child better than anyone else.

My son has severe learning disabilities. Even with the new teacher (second year with her), the school cannot do enough. I work with him every day and he has private therapy as well. I see myself and the school as a team. Fortunately, both his resource teacher and regular teacher do too.

Beth

I totally agree with you that teaching our children should be a team effort. It should not be just the teachers responsibility and not just the parents. I often communicatte with my childrens teachers. I have shared ideas and programs with them and found that when a relationship like this exists the child does better. I listen to the teacher and the teacher listens to me and together we come up with a plan. It benefits everyone involved. The teacher gets ideas from someone who knows the child, the parent is heard, and the student sees adults working as a team. The school as a whole sometimes benefits too when the teacher shares the information or program with the school. For instance I leant my youngest sons teacher my GREAT LEAPS program. She loved it and wanted to use it in school but had no money in the budget. I donated a copy to the school so they could use it. After experiencing success with several students the school opted to budget money to get the program for the whole school. I know parents can come across as demanding sometimes but it is just because like others have said they have so much love for their child. The parents that would concern me most are the ones who have struggling students and do nothing about it.

Gerry,

It may be that the parents you’re complaining about are not seeing any results. Instead, what they see is the child who falls apart at the end of the day. And, please give the parents some credit for knowing what’s going on. Many are highly educated, and have done research on their child’s needs. Many have also been to see a variety of specialists outside of the public education system. From their standpoint, it’s extremely frustrating to know that there are ways to help their child, and to see that the school isn’t doing anything that actually helps. Quite frankly, if it were not for the fact that I could actually afford a private tutor, my child would not have had any success in middle school. And, if I had not gone in and told various teachers that what they were doing was indeed harmful to my child, the situation would not have changed. Consider a parent’s input a way to expand and improve your teaching style. Please also listen to the parents as though they know something about their child and how their child learns. No matter how much time the child spends in your class, it’s only a small fraction of the time the parent in question has been nurturing the child. Personally, teachers who treat me as though I am ignorant of the educational process and my child’s education in particular annoy me to no end. I personally have a doctorate in physics, and am significantly older than most of the teachers I’ve had to deal with. When I’m treated as though I have no idea of what I’m talking about, I just feel like screaming. That may be what the parents you’re dealing with feel like too. Educating a child has to be a team effort, and the parent part of that team is, in the long run, the most important part. The parent is the one who will be with that child for his or her entire educational process. The parent provided the continuity. If you really want to help the children you’re working with, you also have to learn how to work with the parent.

When I was a young nursey nurse I would enter a diabetic patients room and dutifully perform my diabetic teaching. Some of these extremely well educated, intelligent individuals who had spent many years battling this disease would sit patiently and listen to my well intentioned lecture.

Then I would get my education, from them…..

I learned more about that particular disease from the patients I served than I ever learned in school.

The best patients weren’t always the one’s who were patient. They had a war to wage, not with me but with their disease. I could help them or get out of their way.

I too am in the medical profession. Hospitals have a “Patients Bill of Rights.”
We parents of children in special education should compose a “Parents Bill of Rights” so we all know where we stand. In order to make informed decisions about our children’s programs, we need to be knowledgable. We seek information form many sources, including the teachers. We are all part of the same team, but the parent is the only permanent participant. We are with the kids always, and sometimes it is forgotten that we are the expert on our child. I think that the majority of us strive to have a working relationship with the teacher and the school, understanding that we all need to contribute. None of us can do this alone, that is why we are all on this BB.

I too, am a teacher and a mother of a 15 year old with visual stress and auditory processing disorder. i have taught special ed children for 16 years. my son was never diagnosed until 18 months ago. I told his high school teachers that there was a physical reason why he struggled. They told me I was an overprotective mother! i found it very difficult to find help or diagnosis. We are in England and it seems that nodody except me knows anything at all about any of these disorders. I tried my library (city) and they had no books about these disorders at all. (I bought them from Amazon USA as UK site did not have them) I got on the internet and searched. I found Dr Robert Keith who put me in touch with Manchester University ( about 40 miles away) and one of their research lecturers invited me to take my son for testing. He was the first person they tested for auditory processing disorder. Clearly we are WAY behind the times here! The result of the visual stress and APD diagnosis is that he has made HUGE progress over the past 18 months. Reads all the time, writing much much improved and he looks like he will actually pass his GCSE exams this year (in English) rather than failing them…from unclassified to a D/C in 18 months. He’s a star! Parents, keep telling your children’s teachers there is a problem if you feel that something is amis. As Dr Robet Keith said to me, you are the best person to notice any irregularities, go with your instinct. Teachers do not know everything. Sorry Gerry, we don’t! I am still struggling to spread the word here. I tell other parents ‘Go for it!’ their children may lose out if they ignore the signs or do not understand them. No one did in my son’s case and it was nearly too late. NEVER underestimate a parent’s concerns, EVER.

Well said, KR. We all tend to get defensive when we feel our competency is being questioned, but, as a rule of thumb, if any of us hears the same complaint repeatedly, chances are there’s something to it. That can be tough to swallow, but a really good teacher is one whose top concern is the welfare of the child.

Andrea

As I told my school, NO ONE here cares if my daughter leaves this elementary school and fails 6th grade, no one here really cares IF she ever gets through High School and/or has the opportunity to enter college. I CARE. I am the ONLY one who really cares so you are not going to “coddle” (accommodate my daughter to death) to keep your good “grades” and then send her off to middle school to fail. IF she is going to fail let her do it NOW b4 the peer pressure is SO extreme. (this was beginning of 3rd grade)

I am amazed, that me with my HS diploma and NO higher education, knows more about LD, ADD, APD, VPD, SI and a host of other “disabilities” than most (if not all) of the “educators” (and I use that term loosely) that make up my daughter’s IEP team. It’s down right scary!

As someone once said, “Parents are doing the ‘graduate’ course of special education” (experience). I had no choice but to educate myself, b/c no one at the school was willing to invest any time to find out what would best serve my daughter’s needs.

Sorry for the Rant. (I’m on my 2nd cup of coffee :-).

You go girl! Now all you need is to get that degree and use it to benefit many. You’ve probably already learned the majority of what you need to know! I’ve learned much more on my own than I did in school.

Janis

I could recount my own situation (my boy is autistic) and the horrible program offerings my local presented us (we chose not to slug it out and just pulled him for homeschool, where he is making good progress, thanks for asking)…

Instead I am going to go out on the limb and say that sometimes parents are indeed out of line. Sure schools are strapped for funds and training in many areas of sped services could be better, ok, inclusion is often more in name than practice, we all know where the system could stand to be better.

But sometimes parents do indeed make ridiulous demands, sometimes they expect the schools to do what is neither feasible nor realistic. That is why Due Process can work both ways.

The problem is that when the schools routinely fail to live up to their end, parents who fit this other profile often get what they want simply by making loud enough noise. Trust one thing… you will probably NEVER satisfy parents who fit this description.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, but unfortunately I think I have to use my $$$ to send my kids to college instead of me!!

Okay, then get certified in one of these reading programs and tutor to help pay the kids’ college tuition! You’d make a great one. (Although I know we can’t do that while we still have our own kids at home to help!)

Janis

I have quit my job (I’m now freelance legal assistant) and now can devote more time to the local Parent Leaders Forum/Advocacy Group here in town (volunteer). (GRANTED, that’s Not the only reason I quit - I was about “fried” from OT, tutoring, soccer, working, educating educators, interpreting the law :-) ) so when Jami “graduated” (???) from tutoring (we’ll see how her scores come out this year) I quit to save my sanity.

Hmm, again. Hadn’t really put any thought into teaching/tutoring in these programs.

Right now (you’ll love it) I have a meeting with the local middle school (Jami’s in 4th) gifted coordinator. (The whole district knows my name). When I called, she said, “You mean you want a meeting NOW and your daughter’s in 4th grade?” to which I replied, “Yes, maam, b/c if I had gone with my gut in K5, my daughter wouldn’t have been in 3rd grade b4 she received the services she needed”. “I’m not planning to get “surprised” when she gets to 6th.” “I plan to KNOW what’s coming and expect my daughter to be accommodated successfully”. I told her I would have an outline at the meeting on Thursday. (I’m sure she’s looking forward to our meeting)

Janis, maybe I should give classes in assertiveness training, instead of tutoring?
Honestly, I don’t think I was like this until I had an LD child. (Or maybe, it was always there and it only peeks(?) out when needed). ;-)

Our district pta just formed a committee focusing on Special Education/ Gifted and Talent program. We are a group of parents who have dual-identified kids. We are just starting out, but this year, we have had the district’s GATE coordinator attend and make a presentation, we have the district’s special education ombudsperson attend—and we are now deciding what is important to present to the school board. We have parents from K- to grade 12. Just another fourm within which to communicate.

n/m

Great idea! My friend, who has a HSer with severe dyslexia, has just become the ESE chair for her PTA. Unfortunately she is so busy filing complaints with FDOE and OCR trying to get her son’s needs met that she hasn’t had time to really get involved.

I’m looking into doing SOMETHING to help. I’m just not sure which direction to go in yet. Thanks for the input.

Janet,
What exactly has changed to aid this HUGE progress over the past 18 months.
I have been giving my daughter Orton-Gillingham reading training for 2 years and while she has learned alot, she is still very uncomfortable reading and doesn’t want to do it most of the time.