Mental Health,LD,ADHD,or general weirdness??

Dear Socks,

Girl, can I ever relate! Like you, my wife and I can go through the motions, but it always feels pressured and/or superficial. And, like you, although I like the idea of having friends, while the interaction is going on, I can’t wait for it to be over!

I don’t think that this is as much of a “mental health” problem, as I think it is an ADD problem. In my book I write; “I swear to God, I could be lounging poolside at the Playboy mansion, judging a wet tee-shirt contest, and I would still feel anxious, my mind wandering, thinking about what it will be like after the event is over, or wondering what Hue is doing.”

For me at least, unless I am doing something like posting on the web, I am constantly anxious, always feeling trapped, and looking for a way out. And I have come to believe that this is the key… Giving ourselves permission to take breaks, to accommodate our anxiety. Unfortunately, when we are in a social setting, this is not always easy to do, that is, unless we want everyone to think that we are either ill, or have a bladder problem!

Just the other day, my wife and I were visiting our son at scout camp and had taken a walk to the lake with another couple that we would like to be friends with. I acted like a real jerk, making stupid off-color jokes, etc. until I finally insisted that we had to leave because it was “getting late.” On the way home, I felt like kicking myself. I apologized to my wife, (who was hopping mad), and told her that what I could have done was to take a break, on the pretext of needing something from the car… But I felt so trapped that I had panicked, and so, did not think to do this. In any regard, I still think that giving ourselves permission to take breaks is the answer. Hope this helps.

By the by, would you mind if I used your posting in my book, keeping your identity confidential?

Rob

Hi Socks,

I don’t know what to call it - but my husband and I do the same thing. Through different periods in our lives, we have always had one or two good friends (that have lasted forever) whose brains seem to work the way ours do. We can sit with them for hours talking about everything and nothing because we all track seemingly instant changes of topic the same way. Sometimes we solve the world’s problems, and sometimes we just tell funny stories. I think part of the beauty of this is that we only have a chance to do it a couple of times a year - otherwise it would be boring!

I don’t think that attitude makes you LD, mentally impaired, or weird - just not willing to “settle.” Don’t worry - have patience and the right people will come along. :)

Lil

Thanks Rob and Lil,

I suppose I needed some validity here. I thank god my husband and I have each other,because we are equally as strange,which works for us:-) God knows it took years though. Rob,boy is the weird comments and off color jokes a Man thing? My husband does this!!! One of the reasons he likes friends he grew up with is because they understand his behavior so well:-) They are used to how he weirds out as he puts it.

It just so strange how on a professional level,even during presentations,I am so relaxed about”performing” which I suppose is the key. You always feel like you are performing.It’s just like you put it Rob,it is forced. Unless it is a subject I can get into,but this only last so long. Seems like at times you get that dear in the headlight look,or the eyelids get heavy,unless they have come specificly to hear you talk about it. But this isn’t true socialization.

Then if a person really likes you,wants to talk to you all the time,sincerely appreciates your existence,then someone help! It makes me so uncomfortable it feels like bugs are crawling all over me! Just weirds me out big time. I seemed to attract people like this. It doesn’t make sense to me,if they really knew me,not the performer I am just sure they would understand how they don’t want to be with me all the damn time. I am not that cool,for god sakes. OKAY,maybe I am kind of cool,but from a distance,know what I mean? I am into my job,I am enjoying my job,I don’t want you standing there telling me how good a job I am doing,just leave me to it. If not,I stop enjoying myself,and just feel annoyed. Makes any sense??

I guess I am doomed to hang with kids for the rest of my life,they don’t do this to me,like grownups do. I AM just a kid in adult clothing.

Rob,use what you want,no problem for me. If it one day will help someone else understand themselves better great.God knows I am still working on it.

Socks,

LD and it’s ramifications can kick the snot out of you and make relationships and intamacy difficult. I’ve missed my friends when they moved to greener pastures. I have a few close friends but all my school friends are gone. We stay in touch but I still miss them very much.

There are some great folks out there but it take time and intamacy to dicover them. LD has done a lot to wreck my selfesteem but as far as people are concerned ireally believe that I am what I am so I don’t worry about not meeting someone’s standards. I only woory about them meeting my standards. I tend to gravitate to folks that are “real” and have good hearts. Sometimes you get burned finding who’s real.

Fear makes us feel and do things we don’t always understand.

Relax and have fun. Party hardy.

Socks, the band played two encores last night. Our singer kicked butt.

Cool:-) Ball.

I have no fear. Okay I do have some fear,but it is not of imtimacy,the fear of spelling the word right,but not of being intimate,or anxiety about whether or not I am good enough. I just don’t enjoy myself! I enjoy about the first 20 minutes,after that, it is all the same.. I am ready to go,or ready for them to leave. Make sense?

Socks,

They don’t build houses with big front porches anymore. Our home is now our fortress. I think many folks feel the way you do. Neighborlyness is becoming a lost art. Here in upstate NY the welcome wagon is a distant memory and we are fast becoming the middle finger capital of the country. Families don’t sit around the dinner table much anymore. We have become inept in our people skills. That could partially explain the anti-social behavior of the VR slugs.

I think we gotta try a little harder. For every Ralph Cramden ther’s a Norton.

Ball,
You have made an excellent point! This is true we don’t socialize like we used to in this country. We also don’t care enough for each other,or each other’s kids etc. Thanks.

Oh Goodness!! You guys are making me long for my childhood :)))) I had difficulties in school, but I loved playing with my friends up the street. Then they all moved away. You’re right, nobody welcomes each other into the neighborhoods anymore. My husband and I were lucky we had one lady welcome us when we moved where we are now. Now, we want out!!
Seriously, having that “welcome wagon” lets you know you have a support system out there. Especially if anyone knows of your LD. Even if they don’t, it helps the self-esteem to know you’re welcomed.

Take care!!

Christine

AA,

Invite your neighbors over for coffee. The explain to them nicely about the noise. They may not be aware. If it does not cease after that invite them over for hot chocolate but add some Ex Lax. The all you’ll have to contend with is the toilet flushing.

think about it, front porches meant you could talk for a few minutes, step off and toss a ball around, step back on and join the conversation, go three houses down and bring back the sugar cup you borrowed…distractibility heaven!

yeah and we keep thinking ADHD is only this era’s disability. Hmm,so a few century’s ago you could be distractible?

I can understand what you mean. For me there really isn’t a need for me to socialise. I had friends and I was even Prom King at my Highschool but social situations were always very forced for me. I learned to act and respond as I was supposed to and I guess did have some good times. The reason why I socialised so much in Highschool was because that was what was expected and I did not want to appear different.

My wife always told me how akward I would act around people I had just met and seem like a different person. It wasn’t until later that I realised that I was still putting on the show. I don’t worry anymore about how I appear or how many people I socialise with.

I don’t socialise a great deal and find I am pretty reserved around people until I know that I trust them, which takes a while. I’m pretty happy to go to the gym and talk to no one and come home to spend time with my wife and play with my kids. Outside of that I really don’t need to be around anyone but am not against it either if going for a beer comes up once in a while.

This is very interesting to me since there seems to be a common theme forming here. Socks I do turn it on and off when I need to and I sometimes when my tolerance is lower than usual I do send out the message …Leave Me Alone and people seem to respond. I don’t know why the need isn’t there, my mother reports I was always very solitary as a child. Perhaps this is a part of LD or a consequence of the LD itself (I.e. difficulty processing sound makes social situations aversive therefore they become something to be avoided). Either way thanks for sharing and the post. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone although I usually want to be.

I have news. This isn’t related to LD. My husband is the one with LD in the family. He struggled throughout school. He now is an unrepentant social butterfly. His job in marketing requires very good social skills.

I am the one without LD. I am a perpetually bored deep thinker. I think that I am kind of like socks. I can’t stand to go to the local morning coffee for chit chat. It is like nails on a chalk board to me. It is just plain boring to talk about the same things week after week.

My huband flits from person to person making small talk. I call him Mr xxxxx (the name of the community we live) Occasionally I will meet someone I feel has something interesting to share and will spend 2 hours talking to that one person. I have been accused of flirting with others’ husbands LOL. I will sometimes debate issues with people. Often women take this personally. Men have as easier time with me. I made some statement at a party to a good friend of ours who is male. He very much disagreed and he even yelled at me. I laughed so hard. He apologized. I said, “Why would you apologize.”
I am very intense and need the company of very intense people.

I marvel at my husbands skill but we are just different people who need different things socially.

Linda I think I am like both you and your husband.
I can flit back and forth,be very entertaining,the problem is it is all an act. It like playing a certain role.

Yes,I am intense,I LOVE to talk with someone who is also. Most of the time I get the dear in the headlight look instead.

My husband and I met at work. He would come in and start a debate with me and we would go at it for as long as we could at work! We both want the last word.

I hate talking on the phone,and I hate small talk.

I was thinking about this. It is not an LD thing. It is a nurse thing. We deal in life and death. Everyone else is fixated on the mundane.

Once you’ve counseled a hospice patient and their family, small talk seems all the more meaningless.

I agree about the acting thing. I can act the part of the social butterfly. It is not something I truely enjoy deep down.
My husband really does enjoy it. He is always bugging me to go to social functions. I really rather would just stay home and get my rest. I think it is his gift, the place where he really shines. Good for him.

I have become much more selective about my friends. I used to think that I had to be friends with everyone. Now, I avoid people I know I don’t click with.

One neighbor is very sensitive. She always worries about what people think and reads negative cues from others that aren’t even there. I told her outright that this is just not going to work. I said, “Sorry, I don’t do well with sensitive people.”
I tend to be rather blunt. I don’t like passive aggressive talk behind your back types. I avoid them like the plague.

Maybe a LOT of Lders go into the medical field?

We could be good friends. What am I saying? We already are!

interpersonal communication may be difficult for those who have a condition that we call LD.

I’ve always hated small talk. I don’t know how to do it. Yet sometimes I can get into a conversation with a stranger about something (e.g., cats) and really enjoy the conversation.

Most of the people I’m friendly with tell me about their lives, feelings, etc. I find people’s lives interesting, so that works for me, but only if it’s on more than a superficial level.

My interests are pretty limited - people’s lives, kids, pets, psychology, disability issues, diversity issues, and education.

When I get together with people, it’s usually for a limited amount of time (e.g., to have dinner).

I don’t do enough with other people (e.g., go to movies, on vacations, play scrabble, etc.) I spend most of my time alone. I would like to spend more time with other people, but do fear feeling trapped, restless, and bored.