LD and dating and marriage

I am a 35 year old LD woman and had a long term relationship w/ a non-LD man who took advantage of me for it and wound up forcing me out of the house we co-own, with the help of his abusive mother whom he moved into the house after he and I got it. I was very explicit in educating him on LD and he fully understood my problem but he used it against me out of greed and selfishness. I am in the process now of fighting him legally to get reimbursed for my losses and the undue financial hardship he and his mother caused me to suffer by forcing the sale of that $200,000 house. I would be very wary and caustious of trusting another man who professes to understand my problems who is not LD. The reason is simple: The world has no shortage of A.H. who see people w/ LD as “easy prey”. In my opinion based on experience, a non-LD mate tends to use the LD partner’s difficulty to their advantage because it makes it easier for them to control us in the relationship. This is especially true for women who are LD because it is all the more difficult for us to obtain decent jobs (eg, economic independence)on 2 counts: Being female and being LD. Anytime someone is at a disadvantage economically, like most LD’s are, there is an imbalance of power and control in the relationship. As far as having lost out on guys that could not accept me due to my LD, it was proabably a blessing, looking back in retrospect. As for me, I don’t care if my lifemate can’t get a great job due to his LD. I DO want a mate that understands LD because he himself is LD, and that we could have a relationship based on mutual support for one another and respect for each others needs as opposed to a relationship based on control and domination. That way, he and I would be on equal footing. Again, this is only my opinion based on my experiences.

Thanks for the opinion. I never thought of it in this matter.

I’m with a non LD woman. Overall she’s pretty understanding but at times I feel put down by her and somewhat discounted by her. I’m sure at times I’m overly sensitive about my condition. We also have some problems that may or may not have anything to do with LD. We both went back to college. I helped her alot with her studies and did a lot of research for her but she never once helped me and I’m the one with LD. I had a liciencing test to study for. It was an EPA exam. It was very deceptive and difficult and only gets offered every six months. I could have used some help. Anyway I did very well on the test so in a way she did me a favor.

What make things even tougher is that my LD is a result of TBI so I have some other issues.

A kind and understanding person LD or not makes the best mate. Our differences leave room for us to grow. Bad people are gonna burn you no matter what. That’s just what they do.

I am dyslexic was diagnosed in Kindergarten. My husband is probably LD also,and most definitely ADHD. He spent many years being told he was unmotivated,lazy,hardheaded,etc. I spent many years being told I was LD,unmotivated,lazy,hardheaded etc.

Both of us spent a number of years self medicating. He self medicated more then I did.

He had problems coming from a dysfunctional family that had nothing to do with being LD. I spent many years coming from a dysfunctional family that had nothing to do with being LD. It had everything to do with how we dealt with interpersonal relationships.

We have two boys,both of which have ADHD/LD. We spent many years being told by our dysfunctional families how we should raise our children. We spent many years fighting the school system for our kids,spent many years researching ADHD,and LD,learning,learning .learning.

Spent four years seperated,in counseling,and on a self awareness course.This not because we are LD,but because we came from a dysfunctional family.

We are so much a like we can drive each other nuts. We can hurt each other worse then anyone can,we can love each other better then anyone .

We are now very best friends. I can honestly say this. BUT.. It wasn’t until we learned to love ourselves first.

Loved to blame it on being LD,but that would let our parents off the hook. It was what we experienced that taught us how to hurt each other. Being LD taught us how to overcome it. Remember making lemonade out of lemons?

I think it is something we all go through. I know my friends are understanding and supportive and all are non LD, but the dating world is a whole other ball game. I don’t blame it on the ADHD because my medication has been really helpful to me, but my LD is a whole different ball game. I am divorced and have been for over 11 years. It was my choice and I didn’t even know about my LD then. Right now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do career wise. My employer shut down their operations about a year ago so I spent the majority of the year retraining getting better computer skills and temping. I don’t even attempt to date when I’m not employed but that is me. I need to know what I am doing so I can choose someone who will accept me for me not who they think I am. I’ve mainly met people on the internet the past few years and I felt like people perceived me differently than who I really was based on my written description, career at the time. Even if my job is going to be much lower than I expected, I would rather know who I am and attract someone who will accept me.
I know there will be a certain degree of imbalance in terms of the money thing because I am not living in the best lifestyle right now. As for whether I am okay about being with someone who is LD or non LD, I think it depends on whether a non LD person is willing to understand my disability, because other than that I am completely comfortable with non LD people. Other than ADHD I’ve never dated a person with an LD. Actually that isn’t true. I did prior to finding out about my own disability and I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was slow verbally because I’m not, and there were other issues. After my ADHD diagnosis I met someone else who also had ADHD and liked me, but he also had depression, anxiety and OCD and since I don’t I wasn’t too comfortable about dealing with that and our personalities were very opposite, I’m upbeat and I found him really depressing.

But whether it is an LD person we choose or a non LD person I guess what really counts is whether they understand us and we them and whether the relationship makes our life better rather than being another area of life that is problematic. I think we have enough to deal with with our disabilities in terms of challenges we don’t need someone who will bring us down further.

My husband and I met when we were 19 and 20, going to college. Neither of us knew until a couple of years ago(age 37 and 38) that we both have a variation of adhd. He’s hyper and I am spacey. I have strong verbal skills, he has strong math skills,(meaning, he helps with math homework and I proofread everyone’s papers) I am introverted, he is extroverted. We dated for 4 and a half years before we got married so I think we knew each other pretty well beforehand.

No marriage is ever ‘perfect’, we are for the most part happy with each other, there are things that we aren’t real happy about but we deal. He doesn’t put me down, I don’t put him down. Well, sometimes the messy house makes him a little crazy and sometimes I like to spend Sunday morning in my jamas watching cartoons with my kids (instead of running around doing ‘stuff’). But that ‘s the easy stuff.

Both our kids are adhd, after learning about it we finally got around to being evaluated ourselves.(7 years later!) As far as whether or not we would have dated if we had known about the adhd, I don’t think it would have had a lot of bearing. Especially on my part, I dated a physically handicapped guy in high school, high school romances don’t usually last forever, this one was no different. But I keep a pretty open mind about people.

I honestly think that as long as a person respects you and loves you no matter what, then it doesn’t matter if that person has an ld or not. A.H.’s come in all shapes and sizes. So do nice folks.

My non-LD wife is a nice person, and we have been married for twenty-one years, but that does not mean that the symptoms of my LD don’t drive her crazy! Of course there are things about her that drive me nuts too, but isn’t that true of everyone, LD or not? Because we communicate openenly, she has admitted that if she had to do it over again, she would not have married a LD man. I could not help but to agree. I feel badly for all of the crap I have put her through, what with lost jobs, and my constant distractability, (not to mention my social phobias). But on the other hand, ten years after we married, my “normal” wife was diagnosed with MS, and we didn’t bargain for that either. So what the hell. It’s too late now anyway, (thanks to God), she is too in love with me and I am too in love with her to ever go back. So, I guess we are “stuck” with one another, for better or for worse, until death do us part.

As in job searching, I do not recommend that you go into a new relationship introducing yourself as having a learning disability, but rather, I suggest that you go into it being open, honest, and willing about who you really are. After all, in the end, I am not a “learning disabled man,” and my wife is not a “woman with MS.” We are quite simply two people, who have strengths and weaknesses just like anyone else.

Rob

I’m sorry to hear about Jacqueline’s expereience. I’m a non-LD man dating a woman with LD. We’ve been dating for about three months now. I’m not controlling nor do I wish to control my girlfriend. In fact that whole scenario makes me ill. Though her LD can be a problem, she can get around it and she’s slowly becomming more comfortable asking me for help. I don’t mind explaining things to her and she loves when I do because I’m very direct and to the point without a lot of extra words and I’m not condescending.

I’m a very open, honest and tolerant person. We all have our issues and problems LD or not. If we can try to understand each other and communicate I don’t even think LD is an issue. I’ve read some pretty incredible stories about people with LD. I think if you have the desire and will, you can accomplish anything. It may take a bit longer and it may be a hard road but it can be done. I try to tell my girlfriend this all the time but she just doesn’t believe in herself enough. This can be frustrating. Her high anxiety and self-esteem issues get in the way. To me this is harder to deal with than the LD. I know that many people with LD have these same issues. This is the hardest part for me to understand. It’s like an invisible wall keeping her from being happy.

I’m willing to help her but she really doesn’t like to talk about it. To me communication is key. If she doesn’t want t to talk about it than it is never going to get better. So I think LD or not, communication and letting people inside your life to help is the most important thing especially in a relationship or marriage.

Dear Mike,

I could not agree with you more that anxiety and self-esteem issues get in the way, and that often, these issues are harder to deal with than the LD itself. I also agree that communication is key. However, for most of us, there are three other reasons why it is extraordinarily difficult for us to talk about our symptomology. First, when you are born with a disabling condition, you have no frame of reference for what is “normal,” (Thus the popularity of these bulletin boards). For example, imagine asking a color-blind person what it is like to not see the color “red.” What could he or she say? The second reason why our disability is so difficult to talk about is because we are seldom conscious of when it is happening to us. Typically, the learning disabled adult does not realize that anything is amiss until after the event, and it is only by the reactions of others that we recognize that “it” has happened again, (explaining in part the proliferation of our anxiety and self-esteem issues). The third reason why our disability is so difficult for us to talk about is because of its amorphous quality. That is, learning disabilities have few if any clearly defined boundaries. As another example; If I were to trip over a curb, did that happen because I am a learning disabled adult who frequently misses things that are in my visual field, or did it happen because I am a clumsy person? Or perhaps, did it happen because I simply wasn’t watching where I was going?

I think that it is great that you want to be a support to your wife, but when wanting to understand what having a learning disability is like for her, it is critical that you first understand that she herself does not, can not understand all of the ramifications of it herself much less explain them to you. So what’s a loving husband to do? Believe it or not, my recommendation is that you do not try and understand, but rather put your efforts into being there for her, in whatever way she needs you to be. You may not understand why one thing or the other has happened, or even believe that whatever is going on is related to her disability, but in the long haul, does that really matter?

Rob

Thanks for your advice Rob, it’s really helpful. Just to clarify, we’re not married just dating. After reading your response I must admit the three other reasons you pointed out are very powerful. Yes, I imagine asking a color-blind person what its like not to see red, is a bit rediculus. I never really new the amorphous quality of LD and I guess that can lead to anxiety and low self esteem as well.

I’m slowly starting to understand that acceptance means just that. Accept it and try not to understand it. I should know better, both of my parents passed away when I was younger. I’ve just recently in the past few years stopped asking why and just accepted it. It’s still hard sometimes though. I tell my girlfriend that this is something I deal with from time to time and I guess she can’t understand it right now, she still has both of hers.

All my girlfriend asks me to do is just be there for her, as you were saying to do. That’s really all anyone should do, LD or not.

Like I said before, I’m learning to accept the LD it’s the anxiety and low self-esteem that surrounds it. I guess it’s a vicious cycle. I guess my only question with that is, can the cycle be broken?

Mike:
Hello. You asked “can the cycle be broken…” in regards to low self-esteem and LD. In theory, yes. In reality, I don’t know. That depends on several factors over which those of us w/ LD, our loved ones (for those of us who have anybody to love us….unfortunately I am not that lucky), have little to no control.

The decimation of our self-esteem as LD’s starts out in early childhood, getting screamed at for screwing up a family get together because of our LD related social difficulties, being the classroom scapegoat by peers and teachers, and experiencing a long, infinite littany of failures at everything from school to getting accepted socially to getting half-decent jobs as adults. And also failing at relationships, and then put down by others for it, eg, “Well Jacqueline, its your own fault your out on the street, didn’t you see it coming w/ Tom and his mother…….your the stupid one for trusting him…blah blah blah” and the list goes on.

The cycle will only be broken when there’s more people out there like you who care, understand the seriousness of LD, and seek to treat LD’s fairly with respect and dignitiy. In the words from a cool 80’s movie, “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”, we should all “be excellent to each other”.

Unfortunately, most people out there in the world are not like you. They often take advantage of us then put us down for being “dumb” enough to be taken advantage of. Kind of like blaming the rape victim for the actions of the perpetrator, know what I mean?

Thanks Rob and Jacqueline for your insight on LD. Though I will never fully understand what it feels like to have a learning disability you brought me a couple steps closer. Fortunately my friends and family have really accepted my girlfriend and like her very much. My family feels safe with her that she won’t try to manipulate me or change me (Which has happened to me in the past, so it doesn’t just happen to people with LD Jacqueline)

Just to clear up any misconceptions, my girlfriend isn’t a pile of emotional mush. Most of the time she is very clear and precise on what she wants, much of the time more than me. She’s very organized, clean and tidy. Many of the issues she has she knows about and does things for, like excercise to curb her anxiety etc…She’s kind, considerate and has a great deal of empathy for other people and animals. She accepts me and doesn’t want to change me. I’ve found through these past months of dating her that some of these issues in our relationship are mine as well and I have to get past them if I want this relationship to work. She has the uncanny ability to break things down into their simplest form and says what everyone is thinking but is afraid to say. Nothing rude or nasty, just the truth. She still lives by the Golden Rule which most of us forgot. These are the reasons I’m still dating her. I’m learning that her LD and emotional issues are just part of greater whole. If I can learn to deal with and accept her issues and help her in any way this realtionship has great potential.

More people without LD should learn about it. It really starts in grade school, children can be cruel. I owe my tolerence and understanding to my parents and teachers back then. When I was in grade school other children with CP were integrated in the school. I became friends with some of them and learned that they were kids just like me. Many of my friends didn’t see them that way and of course teased them or made fun of them. I was teased because I was a big kid and in Title I Program for reading. Although I didn’t have LD I needed a little exrtra help with reading to get brought up to speed.

I almost went into Special Ed later on in life after I did student teaching for art. I always wondered how many students fell through the cracks over the years because the teachers and school districts didn’t know how to teach them. I had help in reading early on. If I didn’t have that help what would have happened to me.

Again thanks for your help and insight.

I am not ld but like socks and her other half my husband and I came from dysfunctional families. This excess baggage is kind of like being ld it is a life long condition.

Relationships are not always easy for anyone and ld or not you can be taken advantage of, abused, cheated on and all the other bad stuff. There are no instruction books per se and you will not be like Ozzie and Harriet or the Cosby family.

If you find someone who accepts you for who you are and will be your best friend after the heart pounding excitement of the relationship cools down you will have it made.

Good luck and take your time.

Folks:

Thank you for the suggestions. I really appreciate those. Perhaps, I will find a woman who values me for me. LD is okay ! I mean when you have others who understand where you are coming from.

Mike,

It’s great to know there are people like you out there. As for being able to discuss your LD and not knowing the difference between what is so called “normal” and what is not, I probably have different views on that from everyone else. Yes, growing up with parents who are also LD and not educated my actions and behavior were normal to them, they did not know differently.

Now that I take medication and have for almost five years, I can see the difference between what is normal and what is not. Since my parents are older and do not take medication for ADHD and have it as well as LD, I can see the difference between them and the rest of the world.

Probably the biggest part of feeling good about yourself is knowing you can support yourself, and having a career that you are happy with. Right now that is my biggest issue, I don’t know about your girlfriend.

I think that it is great that you are so supportive of her.

I was married for twenty one years to a non LD person. We ran a buisness together. He learned not to let me balance the check book and to turn the numbers around on phone messages I took.

The best analogy I have heard when explaining your situation to a non LD person is this: Picture yourself with a group of people in a cluttered, dark attic. Everyone else has a flashlight. You don’t.

As a mate, you need someone who is intelligent, compassionate and secure and hopefully not codependent. A tall order, but those are the traits I’d look for.

IT NOT GOOD TO GO W NON LD YOU WILL GET MAD FUN LIKE ME