Pushing too hard?

Hi RS,

The old darned if you do and darned if you don’t situation. Personally, I wish my parents had pushed me to take advanced guitar lessons as I had alot of talent in that area. This is going to sound very strange but I have cursed them for not being the pushy parents. But rationally, they did the best they could and I know you can drive yourself crazy thinking of the would haves, could haves, should haves.

Regarding your situation, personally, you have to trust your judgment as to what is best and go with it. Why are you asking ? Perhaps, if I understood your reasoning behind the question, I would be able to provide a more appropriate response.

PT

In my case my parents didn’t know what we were dealing with, and pushing me often rubbed salt in the wound. You have the advantage of knowing what her difficulties are. I think one of the best things you can do for her is push, but only if you are sensitive to her areas of weakness. Equally important is strong consistent encouragement not to give up, reassurance that you will help her, and reminding her of all the things she’s good at when she feels frustrated and angry. Anything you can do to help her learn to cope with her difficulties with her self esteem intact will last her a lifetime. For me those things were bits and pieces here and there, and they’ve just barely kept my head above water. You can do so much more for your daughter, she needs your help even more than you know.

If you gottta ask if you are pushing her too hard you probably are.

Motivation is another story though. Pushing will push the motivation right out of her.

Failure is not a bad thing but she will need to have some sucesses as well. Learning shouln’t be a chore all the time.

Thanks guys. We work almost everyday on reading, in additon to school work and homework. She is very artistic and loves dance. We really encourage her in those areas. She still likes school and has lots f riends. She complains about doing the reading work but once she gets started and fininsihes she is usually OK. I do give her incentives for completing extra work. She has her days when she does not want to do any work, but all kids do.
I know she works so much harder than most of the kids in her class, sometimes I feel so sorry for her, but she also has many more areas of strenghts. We are so greatful she has pretty good social skills. Sometimes I wonder when I explain to her about her disability that it makes her feel inadequate although I really try to emphasize that no one is perfect and we all have struggles.

Hi RS,

Just a comment on your last post. Please excuse the advice giving, I wish I could go back in time and say these things to my own parents who are both gone now. If you feel sorry for her in any way she will feel that, don’t let her learn to feel sorry for herself. It sounds like she has some wonderful abilities, make sure she always knows that you are more focused on her strengths, and how genuinely proud of her you are. Damage to self esteem is one of the most destructive lifelong problems many of us face.

Audrey

Whether you explain to her about her deficets or not she will figure it out. I think it is better that she her it from someone who loves her rather than somebody calling her stupid and lazy and her accepting that lable.

Help her discover her strengths and improve her weaknesses.

RS,
Hello. I’m new here. A red flag went up for me when you said you feel sorry for her. Sorry— we ADD/LDers dont’ need as children or as adults, just good guidance, patience, love, limits, and someone who can listen passionately. Be open to her free expression of her frustrations without feeling like she’s seeking solutions from you at all times. Sometimes she is, sometimes she will just want to vent. Feel free to ask her which it is, and let her be the judge of what she needs at age-appropriate times.

Take care of your own needs as well, and needs for an outlet for your frustrations with her. Accept that at times, it is totally frustrating to be the parent of someone with ADD/LD. I have been both the ADD/LD child, and the parent of ADD/LD children.

I think any parent who does not “feel” for their child when they watch them stugggle is cold hearted. No, we don’t give in and have a pitty party, and we do empahsize her strenghts and try to maintain a positve outlook but yes, I have a right to ” feel sorry for her” what caring parent wouldn’t at times - not all the time. That does not mean we think or expect less or her.

Hi RS,

I definitely would have interpreted your post exactly the way you explained it. By the way, I think I have my antenna out for patronizing phrases and even before your most recent explanation, I knew what you meant.

To the rest of you, I am not sure why that phrase is so upsetting. It seems in talking with alot of adults with LD/ADHD, we share a common frustration that people don’t understand that we have to work ten times as harder to get through a day. While I wouldn’t want someone to pity me, personally, I wouldn’t take offense if they said they felt sorry for me at times because of how hard I have to struggle. I do feel there is distinct difference.

Also, if I am forced to deal with an extreme, I would rather it be the person who said they felt sorry for me even to the point of pity vs. the tough minded person who felt that ADHD/LD was an excuse. The pity folks, I can deal with but the ones who think it is just an excuse drive me bananas.

PT

RS,

To clarify, I don’t feel patronized at all, your post seemed honest and well intended. I think there’s a big difference between pity and empathy. My comments were meant only to give you a glimpse of what it could feel like on the other end, one person’s feelings and experience both long and short term. I thought that was the kind of feedback you were looking for when I read your question. I hope what I said was was useful in some way…

Audrey

I just read all the comments in here and they were interesting. I myself have a sister who suffers from LD and I just want some feedback on how to handle her. Not to say she needs to be “handled with care” or something, but how do you give direction, judgement, or a simple opinion to someone who just doesn’t want to hear it? My sister is 21 and has been in a psychiatric hospital this last month due to a nervous break down. We just got a diagnosis of a type of auditory comprehension disorder, amongst other things. She has been on meds and well, my family and I have some mixed feelings on exactly how we could act with her when she comes back home. She gets frustrated easily, and the doctor explained to us the obvious reason, which I totally understand. I guess my question is along the lines of, how do we try to strengthen her self-esteem and encourage the things she is good at, when she gives no indication as to what she likes or has the ability to do? My mom pushed her to do things, like get a job, but the more we try to help, the more reclusive she would become. We’re all frustrated and I’d just like to hear some opinions.

Hello
Just landed on your enquirey. As a person with L.D., and one who works supporting Adults with L.D. to find self sustaing meanful employment I must agree with many of the others DON’T let your child hit into the I CAN’T DO IT stage many people with out an L.D. (parents ) some times are to over protective. All your doing is setting some one up to fall later down the road due to the fact they haven’t learned how to rock with the childhood punches that hit us all so how will they be able to do it when their older. It sound to me like you have great concern for the fact that she has a learning disability, but remember it is just processing that is the difficulty left to her own devices with CARE & SUPPORT ,not coddeling she will most likey figure out away to function. If she gets misguided and doesn’t understand why she failed at something point out how she may be could have hanndled it in a differernt manner, give her options. MOST OF ALL DON’T LET HER GET AWAY WITH STUFF YOU KNOW SHE CAN HANDLE .This is how we learn to blame others and such, and not take responabilities for our own actions . Remember that we are the disability that is average to above average intellengence so do you not think at time she may be playing with you because as all children do they from time to time try to minpulate their sistuation. Please heed the advice you are getting from those on this line. This comming from one who would perfer to work herself out of a job. As far as I am concerned having an L.D. is a plus once you, YOUR duaghter , figures it out the world is her oyster. Just remember that having just may mean that she is a late bloomer and those thing that take a long time to bloom are ususally worth the wait. It is a terrable thing that we do to children by try to fit them into boxes rather than letting them mould their own space,yes we all have to function in this society and no one said it would be easy but remember the better you understand your surroundings the more prepared you are. Why not just love her for who she is and although her L.D. is part of her it is only one little part of her I bet she has a smile that would melt your heart on the coldest moment, or the kindest heart or the wickedest sence of humour to make you laugh. Remember it is just processing issues, so she need to develope her challenges and enhance her natural skills, let her find her own skin even if it means that she get the perverbaly bumps and brusies , as a parent I am sure you don’t want to she her hurting but just remember it easier now that later when she all growen up.
All this is just ad vice and you are going to do what you feel as is best but hey from some one who knows and help those who were over protected it is so much easier to learn these lessons now than later
Keep a smile on your face
Bonnie

<<<. I have an 8yo daughter with ADD/LD. I always question whether I push her too hard and will she thank me or resent me for it when she grows up? Any real life experience on that one?>>>

I have a 12 year old, who had a bunch of LDs including ADD, CAPD and visual processing disorder. At this point she is out of the woods, but I’m still pushing. I do not expect that she will thank me for it when she grows up. For one thing, I have not told her all the details, nor have I plans to do so. It is better that she think of herself as a normal kid who had a few, minor, developmental glitches and anal-retentive, obsessive parents than that she think of herself being impaired in any way. She’ll probably never know unless she has a kid like herself, and needs to know. I am her mother not merely her teacher or merely her friend. I neither need or want her thanks. (What mother would not gladly spend money, time, thought and care for her child?) I do not care what the costs may be if the result is that she becomes more the person that she was meant to be, even if she that also means she is less my own.

There is an old proverb: “Go in search of your people. Love them. Learn from them. Plan with them. Serve them. Begin with what they have. Build on what they know. But of the best leaders when their task is accomplished, their work is done, the people all remark: “We have done it ourselves.”

Shirin