Getting spouses and friends to understand that ADD is not my

You sound delightful! ADD-ers know that everyone forgets car keys, interrupts, zones out, etc. but theirs is a matter of degree and not being able to control it. Non-ADD-ers have a hard time understanding that what you’re dealing with is not like their occasional lapse.

My husband had to deal with an ADD son before I found out that I was also ADD. My husband would get very impatient with my son’s typical ADD state where he could get lost on the way to his room or be so hyperfocused that a bomb could go off next to him. My husband now understands that my son wasn’t doing this to drive him crazy, but that it was often beyond his control. My husband would like to think that our son’s ADD will get better and eventually go away in a few years.

I rather blew a hole in that when I was diagnosed with ADD a year ago. Apparently, I had developed coping skills that let me to manage things quite well. People often remarked how well organized I was, how everything was scheduled and planned out. But having the unpredictability of an ADD kid with no coping skills that needed ongoing physical and speech therapy (for LDs) plus the other increased demands on my time meant that I had to keep track of it all, get it all done, and have it where it was supposed to be on time. It became too much to organize and prioritize, much less to do.

I was so overloaded that I was literally dizzy, couldn’t remember anything unless it was written down, and had trouble putting together a sentence. I hated being like that, but I couldn’t help it. Passing for “normal” was a huge struggle. My husband was compassionate, but was alarmed. He insisted I see a doctor. My son was my buddy— he could understood how hard this was for me and how frustrating it was not to be able to control it or make it go away. After tests, etc., it turned out that I have ADD.

I went on medication, and am somewhat better. I’m still dizzy, but not as bad and my memory and speech are slowly coming back. It’s been a relief to have a diagnosis. At least I know it wasn’t a stroke or the onset of a disease. My husband doesn’t totally understand the ADD experience but doesn’t discount its validity. He is patient when I can’t recall the word I want or where I was, and we joke about me needing to hang on to the furniture to keep from falling over. My son is glad to have an ally, someone who really understands what he is going through and what his struggles are. We laugh about the funny things that happen to us, and we help each other.

Coming clean with friends? I’ve come clean about this with very few, and only those who have a basis for understanding what I’m talking about. Most people think you’re making it up, or that it isn’t that bad. They have no frame of reference for this. I’ve seen what the reaction has been to my son. Some attack you for medicating. Some attack with their ignorance. It hasn’t been worth the trouble to me tell just anyone about it. Let ‘em think I’m ditzy.

julie:
awwww…..that was so nice of you to call me delightful! i wonder what made you say that? did you pick up on my sarcasm or sillyness mixed in with the regular droning text? well, thanx

it sounds like your husband is a bit more understanding than my boyfriend since yours at least doesnt discount its validity. well, it’s not like he actually says pointed overt things like “your making it up” or “quit using that as an excuse”, or “ADD isnt real”, but with his tone, sighs, and what he DOES say, i can read between the lines that he thinks i’m a hypocondriac and looking for excuses instead of taking responsibility for certain things. well, dammit, i AM taking responsibility by having the courage to get to the doctor, get diagnosed, and now cope and handle this whole ADD mess!

it’s a tough call with the friend thing. i agree on the one hand that if you dont think they can “handle” it or understand since they are ignorant, then dont bother telling them. but the thing is, you really think they CAN handle it especially if it’s a close friend. You think there are at least a couple of close girlfriends who would want you to share something like this with them. We assume and hope that they care and will be supportive. it’s only AFTER you tell them that you find out your assumption was wrong. They are not bad people, just ignorant, and that’s too bad.

I am one of the people who posted in the “relationship with spouse” thread but do understand your situation as I also have a child with ADHD along with the ex. My son is medicated but sometimes in the morning before his meds “kick in” and in the evening when his meds wear off, he is a little “off”. My husband (the other ADHDer who is not my son’s father) was the one who could not cope with his uneven behavior. As with parents who have to re-learn behavior to deal with an ADHD child, a spouse or significant other must do the same thing. My suggestion would be that, if you are seeing a therapist, have your boyfriend attend as well, maybe even on his own. I would also recommend the book “Driven to Distraction” by Hallowell. It is an awesome tool for helping those around you, as well as you, understand the way your brain works. My husband always described it as “he would open one door in his mind to do something, and find another door and forgetting where he was going, would follow that door which would lead to another and so on….”. He unfortunately did use it as a fallback excuse and refused to seek help.

Defintely get the book if you haven’t already. Good Luck.

I was one of the guy’s who put and add in that sight to and it’s not the A.D.D. that is the problem it’s the people in this would are not as “nice” as they were years ago. I’m single and some of my friends are and we all deal with the same problems. Over the past year I have looked at the wourld in a difrent way and I’m not being “nice” any more because it just doesn’t work!

Don’t let one (or more) people color your perception of all women. I hope I will not look at any man who has ADHD and see my ex and run the other way. I can say that I don’t think I will ever (ADHD or not) ignore any act that hurts me, whether intentional or not. Don’t change yourself into someone you’re not just because you think it is what women want. Nobody (you or a woman) wants to learn a few years down the line that you are not the person you pretended to be. Be yourself.

I have a son with ADHD and his life has been rough. I have had so many people accuse me of babying him but they dont understand. sometimes I do baby him and know it. The problem is its like walking a tight rope, sometimes I think he needs more understanding and other times I wonder if I am not over compensating for his ADHD. My son is now 19 and he has been kicked out of school at 15 out of a special ed class,( there is supposed to be fed laws protecting him from this happening but that only works if you have $$ to fight city hall). He is now in prison. His story is long and sad. If you would like me to tell you the whole story email me. I do have some enlighting things Ive learned. God bless and good luck. you may email me at [email protected]
sighburrangel

Dr. Drea - Just a quick response to your final comment about how non-ADDer’s make those irritating comments such as “ADD is overdiagnosed - we all forget things….blah, blah, blah…..” I just say simply “Some people have those days - I have one of those lives.” I don’t even waste my time trying to convince my friends and/or relatives. Lastly, wasn’t it great to find out that you were not stupid, lazy or crazy? There is a book out there with that title “You mean I’m not Stupid, Lazy or Crazy?” Good Luck.

Tell me about the book and who writes it “You Mean I’m Not Stupid, Lazy or Crazy?”. I have self-diagnosed myself since my ADD daugher was diagnosed.

I have lived MY WHOLE LIFE like the above posts. I have ALWAYS thought I was stupid/crazy, worthless, etc. I lose my keys several times a day and my husband’s favorite saying is, “Only a moron loses their keys”. WARNING: be careful who you marry.

As (I think Julie) said above, I was “coping” fine until I was running to tutoring, soccer, OT (for my daughter’s LD) AND soccer, boyscouts, fighting with the school and WORKING 30 hrs. a week. I do fine with a couple of things going on, but too much and I LOSE IT. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to have a stroke or a nervous breakdown. I quit my job (the thing I do BEST).

My husband lost his glasses the other day and couldn’t find them (first time I think it’s ever happened in 25 years of marriage) I replied, “WELCOME TO MY WORLD”. I just recently went to the Dollar Store and bought myself 4 pair - that way when I lose one, I have another and I don’t work myself into a frenzy trying to find the one pair.

As a child I got “checks” in self control, lost my jacket, lunch box, pencils, etc., and my mother told me I was always “scatterbrained”. My daughter’s tutor enlightened me that the medical term for “scatterbrained” is ADD.

I’m SERIOUSLY thinking about going to see my doctor, printing the above posts, and asking him what he thinks.

I’d say not to tell anyone that might respond like that. I never loose my keys. Is there something wrong with me? Does that invalidate my Dx? I don’t think so.

You just cannot expect people to understand when we all are still trying to figure out a lot of things about it and ourselves right now too. Wait untill you are more knowledgable, better read, and then think about why you want to tell anyone and then who you might tell. STOP if you get any disrespect.
They aren’t your friends. At least they don’t sound like people I would like for friends. Also they do not know anything about ADHD or they wouldn’t say those things. Tell them to ” go read a book”Sure everyone does better when it is quiet, but “we” often can’t do anything well, or very fast when it is noisy. If they don’t get it, that is their problem.

Keep it to your self for a while and read, read, read. Go to you main library and get these books if you want. You can also request them to be ordered from another library if yours doesn’t have them. Ask you librarian for the details.
See sites such as www.addvance.com
Read Sari Solden’s book on Women and ADD at the library —( or see amazon.com for a used copy really cheap) Driven to Distraction and Answers to Distraction by Drs. Hollowel and Ratey are good. You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid is another one. There are tons of good books out there.
Also getting some counseling for support and understand is a good idea too.
www.add.about.com is another site. You can find alot of them.
Take care,
Ann B.
Read books by Ms. Weiss. Can’t remember her first name right off just now.

Can only agree with everything said here! I am married and have ADD and LDs au mass. After a lot of learning about ADD I learned that focusing on the positive side of it really helps. I know society does not do so, especially in school or similar settings and that is very frustrating. I got kicked out of college, lost my driver license, and other good stuff.
But on the other hand AD(H)D people are really gifted. We can multi-task, hyper-focus, be spontanious, … . So in my relationship we try to devide responsibilities so that it feeds into each others strengths.
Making other people understand is basically using whatever their weaknesses is and make it a 24/7 thing. Or turn the picture around. I like that. Society expects us to be ADHD, i.e. at school classes start whenever and depending on focus or liking of teacher end after 10 to 90 minutes. Locations are different each day and yes there are several screens there for wonderful distractions. All these non-gifted people would be so lost, they would need all the help and support we need now. Would make a great movie ;)
Good luck,
Chris

Thanks for the feedback. Gosh, it would be nice to know there’s a REASON why I’ve always been like this. The GOOD side of it, is that I am able to tell my daughter (who is adopted so didn’t get it from ME), that you CAN be smart and unorganized (not that I ever believed this growing up - but I have learned a great deal b/c of her) and just because you lose things, forget things, need coping mechanisms, doesn’t mean you’re stupid or any less a person than everyone else.

Funny thing, all my life I have gone to stores (like Walmart) and always try to remember, “Okay, I parked in front of the “W” lane (b/c otherwise I’d come out, forget where I parked and wonder around the parking lot for 30 minutes-been there, done that). Reading something recently that that is a “coping mechanism” they prescribed for LDers. I thought, OH MY GOSH, I’ve done this all my life - I thought everyone did it! LOL! A sense of humor about your weaknesses, I believe, can be a great asset!

Dear fellow sufferer:
I cant BELIEVE you said that thing about Walmart! I seriously just went to Walmart YESTERDAY and made sure I remembered that I parked right in front of the “R” of the word “Walmart”!!!

Nice to meet you!

I am an adult diagnosed as an adult and my experience has been disapointing every time I have ever confided in friends coworkers or family. Most people really don’t believe it and they ultimately believe that I’m weak if I can’t “fix” it. The really don’t have a clue.

Maybe the only non add adults who might be understanding would be parents of add children.

Personally I’m seriously underemployed and my spouse of 20 years is leaving. good luck

I am probably late as always I don’t look at the last date of the thread I have ADD, 3 children a hubby that works 60++ hours a week. He tells me all the time what a poor housewife I am, but alas I loose intrest in jobs as soon as I learn them enough to be competent. I would love to have a webpage just to jot down my ramblings. I want to help the kids with school as well but spend so much time looking for the right things that before I know it it is bedtime. This really strains our family but I can’t afford meds or a dr. right now any solutions?

wow, you poor thing Lynda! sounds like you have a 100 things to do and your husband is not helping at all (physically or emotionally). i noticed you said you cant afford meds or a dr. do have ANY money to spare right now or can you sit down and try to do some budget rearranging for something important like this (i.e. your health and sanity)?

the reason I ask is, i am definately financially strapped too (recent grad and not employed and no health insurance). But I received some advice from someone about getting an “ADD coach”. I dont know if you’ve heard of such a thing before or if there is even one available to you locally, but they help you with anything you can possibly think of: organizing your life, ways to cope with relationship/family while having ADD, even working towards a specific goal (for example i hired mine to help me study for and pass the Bar Exam which I take in 2 weeks). To understand more about ADD coaching in general, try these websites or go to google.com to get some other websites:

http://www.personaladdcoach.com
http://www.workingorder.net/add-adhd.htm

these will just give you more details about what ADD coaching is and does, but you will have to do some special searching to figure out how to find a local one, unless you want to through the above websites (since sometimes all it is is correspondence through email/phone calls since they know ADD’ers are busy people!).

BUT LET ME TELL YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. once i found some local ADD coaches, i called both of them and basically asked them each one directly “do you have any sort of sliding fee scale because i just cant afford it right now but i totally need this”. i was so happily surprised by one of them (the one i ended up choosing and am using now) when she said that the reason she got into her job is that she is more concerned with seeing ADD’ers get some help rather than being turned away for money reasons and continue living in stress, depression, and agony. She said, “I’ve never had anyone offer to pay a ridiculously low price so try me”. Her orig fee was $250 a month (which is an average and comparable price for ADD coaches) and guess what? I told her I couldnt pay more than $100 a month and she said OK! $100 is still a lot for a financially strapped person (so that’s why i asked whether there was ANY money you could spare), but relatively speaking it’s such a good price since it was $150 off the regular bill for every month!

Now I know not everyone you end up finding might be as good samaratin as her, but try it! I wish you luck.

PS: does you hubby at least know and acknowledge that you have ADD and that this is why you struggle with the kids and the house stuff, not because your lazy or a bad housewife??

-Dr. Drea

Thanks for the suggestion. I will look into it.

As for hubby he dearly loves me and was supportive when I was first diagnosed by a Dr. about 2 years ago, when we could afford Dr. and meds. If I make a comment about my ADD now he says it is an excuse because I know what is wrong and in his eyes I do nothing about it. For some reason lately it has gotten really bad. I am so far behind on bills because I forgot to pay them. Holidays I guess. Hubby just doesn’t understand how I can forget to pay the bills or do the laundry or clean the bathrooms.

Today I went and bought a timer, a suggestion by my old Dr., so I am aware of how much time I am spending on the puter. Also decided to write my daily activities down so I can see what I am doing.

Case Studies in Violence
Many of the child-killers in the Littleton-style incidents were taking mind-altering psychiatric drugs, which had been prescribed by doctors. T.J. Solomon, the 15-year-old from Conyers, Georgia, who shot six classmates in May 1999, was on Ritalin; Eric Harris, 18, one of the two Columbine killers, was taking the anti-depressant Luvox; and Kip Kinkel, the 15-year-old from Springfield, Oregon, who killed both his parents and two schoolmates, and wounded 20 other students in May 1998, had been prescribed the anti-depressant Prozac, one of the most widely prescribed drugs.

These are not isolated cases. Of more than 6 million kids under 18 years of age in America, who have been prescribed Ritalin, Luvox, Prozac, Paxil, and other anti-depressants and psychiatric drugs, for emotional and behaviorial problems, many have committed violent acts, even killings. Many others are walking time-bombs.

On March 6, U.S. News & World Report documented these less-known cases: In California, 16-year-old Jarred Viktor was convicted of murder for stabbing his grandmother 61 times. Ten days earlier, Jarred had been prescribed the anti-depressant Paxil, for preexisting problems. In Kansas, 13-year-old Matt Miller committed suicide (he was found hanging in his closet) after taking the anti-depressant Zoloft for a week. The Miller family has sued Pfizer, the manufacturer of Zoloft.

But the most horrible revelation to date is the documentation that increasing numbers of infants, toddlers, and pre-school children are being zombified with psychiatric drugs produced for adults, before they can even learn to talk, let alone read.

According to JAMA’s Feb. 23 article, “Trends in the Prescribing of Psychotropic Medications to Pre-Schoolers,” children from poor families, especially African-American children, are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AHDH) and prescribed the stimulant Ritalin (methylphenidate) at younger and younger ages, with the number of prescriptions in two study groups having increased more than 300% during 1991-95. The anti-depressant Prozac is just as abused; the article reports that a psychiatric newsletter, citing marketing data compiled by the Food and Drug Administration in 1994, reported some 3,000 prescriptions for fluoxetine hydrochloride (the generic name for Prozac) written for children younger than one year old!

The findings, written by a group of doctors from the University of Maryland, Johns Hopkins University, and the Center for Health Research, Kaiser Permanente, in Portland, Oregon, were presented in May 1999, at a meeting of the American Psychiatric Association in Washington, D.C. But the dangerous practices haven’t stopped.

The team studied ambulatory care prescription records from 1991 to 1995 from two Medicaid programs (a Midwest state and a Mid-Atlantic state), and from one HMO (health maintenance organization) in the Northwest. Records were checked for enrollees between two and four years old, during those years.

The results should shock the nation: In all three programs, psychotropic medications prescribed for pre-schoolers increased dramatically. The use of methylphenidate increased in all three sites: threefold for the Midwest database, 1.7-fold for the Mid-Atlantic group, and 3.1-fold at the HMO. These records involved over 200,000—more than 158,000 enrolled in the Midwestern state, 54,237 in the Mid-Atlantic state, and 19,322 enrolled in the HMO.

One noticeable pattern is the prevalence of poor children. The Medicaid youth were almost entirely eligible under Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC, the former Federal welfare program), and, within the Medicaid groups, “non-whites were over-represented,” i.e., a greater number than in the general population.

There’s no question that the poorest children are being abused. The article says that in 1998, “Pediatric researchers noted that 57% of 223 Michigan Medicaid enrollees aged younger than four years with a diagnosis of ADHD, received at least one psychotropic medication to treat this condition.” Methylphenidate was one of the two most prescribed.

These results show a pattern of premeditated medical abuse. At a March 3 press conference, Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) addressed the concerns posed by the JAMA article. He showed the warnings printed with every bottle of Ritalin. In large type, one says: “Warning: Ritalin should not be used in children under six years, since safety and efficacy in this age group have not been established.” A second warning says: “Precautions: Long-term effects of Ritalin in children have not been well-established.” Sen. Dodd demanded that more tests be conducted to test psychiatric drugs on children before they are given out so widely. But the scope of the problem, and the fact that drugs like Ritalin have already killed children in normal doses, and that Ritalin is one of the top ten most abused drugs in the U.S., shows that Sen. Dodd, and others, though well-meaning, are refusing to go beyond “business as usual,” against a phenomenon that is escalating the occurrence of the new violence.

The HMOs—Nazi Drug Dispensaries
In 1998 and 1999, the United Nations’ report on international drug trends, sounded the warning that 85 to 90% of the MPD (methylphenidate, or Ritalin), produced in the world, is consumed in the United States.

On June 22, Pennsylvania State Rep. LeAnna Washington (D-Phila.), testified at Ad Hoc Democratic Party Platform Hearings, facilitated by Lyndon LaRouche’s Presidential campaign committee, in Washington, D.C. Rep. Washington stated:

“In 1987, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) was literally voted into existence by the American Psychiatric Association. Within one year, 500,000 children in the United States were diagnosed with this affliction.

“In 1990, the lucrative doors were opened to a cash welfare program to low-income parents whose children were diagnosed with ADHD. A family could get more than $450 a month for each child. In 1989, children with ADHD made up 5% of the disabled population. In 1995, it rose to 25%. In 1991, education grants also funded schools an additional $400 in annual grants money for each child. The same year, the Department of Education recognized it as a handicap, providing children with special services. In 1997, some 4.4 million children were diagnosed with ADHD. In 1996, some $15 billion was spent annually on the diagnosis, treatment, and study of these so-called disorders.

“Ritalin and similar drugs are prescribed to an estimated 6 million to 9 million children and adolescents in the United States. This reflects why Ritalin production has increased an incredible 700% since 1990.”

In fact, studies cited in JAMA and the Journal of Public Health, surveying school nurses in two districts of Virginia in 1998, show that among white male students in the fifth grade, 18% and 20%, respectively, were being given Ritalin for “behavioral problems.”

But a major reason for this catastrophic rise in rates of psychiatric drug use is the Nazi policy known as “managed health care,” through the HMOs that have taken over most health plans today, including Medicaid for the poor, according to Family Therapy Networker an on-line magazine.

The runaway prescribing of anti-depressant drugs for children—with almost 3 million prescriptions written in 1999—is due, in large part, to pressure from managed-care companies that will not pay for therapy or other treatments for children, says an article titled “Generation Rx,” by Rob Waters in Family Therapy Networker. This prescribing of drugs as a substitute for therapy, means that children “are being given unproven threatments more haphazardly, and with fewer practical and legal protections, than adults who volunteer to be paid subjects in the clinical trials of new drugs,” the article says. In fact, many of the drugs being given to children have not been approved for use in children, and have severe physical and psychological side effects.

“Some doctors say they are uneasy about prescribing psychoactive drugs to kids,” the article notes, “but they do so because they doubt that the child’s family can get around managed care’s barrier to therapy,” in which a health plan may refuse to pay, or create months of delays. The situation is even worse for children in poor families. Child psychiatrist Joseph Woolston, the medical director of the children’s psychiatric unit at Yale-New Haven Hospital, says the practice of giving psychoactive medication to children has skyrocketed under managed care. “The pressure to medicate children has increased enormously,” Woolston says. “Every single day we have at least one case where the managed-care reviewer says to us, ‘If you don’t start the child on medications within 24 hours after admission, we will not fund another day of hospital.”

Woolston says that even more alarming, is the practice of putting “probably tens of thousands of kids” on random combinations of psychoactive medications. “We’re using them as guinea pigs, and not even keeping track of them,” he says.

Therapists in private practice say that managed-care reviewers almost always suggest referring children for medication after four to six sessions, even when a child’s distress is clearly related to a parental divorce or some other identifiable interpersonal problem. “Managed care sees this as a cheap way to get rid of the problem,” says one child psychologist.

Heart attacks have felled some children on Ritalin, including a 14-year-old boy in Michigan, and an 11-year-old girl from Ohio. The physical side effects are bad enough, but the psychological ramificiations is nothing short of menticide—America’s “opium war” against her own children.