With all the attack-type posts over the weekend I lost track of the parents that were discussing spanking. I have 2 girls ages 4 and 7. The 7 yr old has mild ADHD inattentive but with impulsive tendencies. I have never spanked my kids. After my own research and life-observations, I came to the feeling that spanking models aggressive behavior. Kids learn to hit from their parents. We also do not watch anything but Public TV and actually very little of that so my kids are not exposed to violent commercials or shows. We have some videos that the kids rarely watch because they are so busy with playdates, outdoor activities, imagination play, school and my 4 year old likes educational computer games. My husband and I get the daily news on-line. I’m trying to paint the picture of a very non-violent home. We use time-out, loss of privileges, and discussions to manage behavior. My kids have hit each other only a couple of times so far and there has been no pinching, hair pulling etc….
Just before I figured out that my 7 yr old had ADHD, I started to lose control. I started yelling quite a bit and it was doing absolutely no good. Our biggest problem was what I called “dilly-dallying”. It would take forever for my daughter to get ready for bed or get going in the AM. I’d tell her to get dressed etc and she’d get distracted and start playing. I would get behind in my responsibilities because I was so busy getting her back on track. After a note from the teacher and several weeks of yelling to keep her on task, I saw the light. One day my child with the most mournful face and wet blue eyes looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry Mommy; It seems like I’ve been saying that a lot lately”. I could see her deep despair and her sense of hopelessness. I realized that this child was doing her best to please me and I was becoming an out-of-control mother. She needed tools to deal with this. She couldn’t “just try harder”. Even without really knowing what was wrong with her, I started making lists for her of multi-step tasks. We started a sticker chart with a trip to the dollar store after earning 15 stickers. This cut down her time to get ready for something significantly but she still would go astray. She actually figured out what to do to improve further; she “borrowed” my kitchen timer and put herself on a 20 minute schedule for getting ready for bed and getting dressed for school in the AM. All this was done with encouragement and understanding of her challenges. We are a team. She understands that her brain is special and we learn from people on this board and other things that I read. We stress the gifts that she has. In particular, she is able to hyperfocus on creative things and has gained the respect of her peers for her artwork and creative games.
Yelling is again rare around here and we never had to spank. We aren’t on any medication yet and probably won’t for quite a while, maybe never. Both kids are well-liked and have good friends. We are ruling out medical problems now for the ADHD. I can’t stress how important this is. There could be other health issues they could be at least contributing to the ADHD.
One other thought, I would never let a boyfriend or teacher spank my child. There would be hell to pay! One post mentioned kids being spanked at private school. My kid would be yanked out that day!
Terry
Spanking
Thanks Steve. I was really puzzled as to why there were no other responses to my post. I don’t know if that means that many parents have felt the need to spank their ADHD kids or that it is just common sense that kids should not be spanked. There were a few scarey posts about Moms letting non-parent authority figures spank their kids and it literally made me feel sick, not to mention that it is probably illegal.
Spanking
Yeah, I have heard some misuse of a certain study that suggested that kids who were spanked did worse in life, but that if they were ADHD, they did better. It’s the only one I’ve heard about that supported it, but those looking for support of spanking made a big deal of it. My guess is, mild use of spanking is probably better than no discipline whatsoever, but I always felt it was best to be creative. For me, I knew that once I crossed the line to “spanking is OK”, it wasn’t very far to being out of control. I still remember my dad whaling on my brother with a belt, face red and veins bulging out on his temples, looking like a crazy man. I never wanted my kids to be scared of me like that. Maybe some people can manage it, but I definitely wanted to be clear with myself that no hitting was ever going to be OK, maybe cause I knew those pictures of my dad could be me someday. Anyway, it’s worked out really well for us, and I have had a couple of very challenging boys, and one absolute angel - I called him my “mail order baby”, cause he was made to order. But the other two averaged him out! Now I am a total expert on non-violent parenting of “spirited” children! Not something I set out to become. You never know where life will take you!
Thanks for writing!
–- Steve
Re: Spanking
Steve, I gather from the tenor of your posts you are not entirely convinced of the ADHD diagnosis. You also seem against medicating. As far as spanking goes I too am totally against it.
I’m with you on all three.
If you had medicated your boys do you think they would as successful today?
Would meds have made things worse?
I think it is probable that they might not have done as well. I think the fact that we had to just DEAL WITH the “symptoms” meant we had to figure out some creative solutions. If we had viewed it as a “disease”, it would have been a lot easier not to rise to the challenge and to allow the medication to “do the work”. But it is hard to imagine, because I never would have done it no matter what. I believe kids come the way they are, and our job as parents is to figure out how to help them grow up and become what they are supposed to be.
At the same time, I don’t feel it is my job to tell other people what to think. I want to empower people with information to make their own decisions. I only get mad when parents are innundated with propaganda and are disempowered by people who think that they know better.
–— Steve
Re: Spanking
I’m at a loss as to what to do with my 7 year old son. He’s got add, but is not yet medicated. His doc’s appointment is this week to discuss it. The main problem with him is decepline right now. Nothing works….we’ve tried, time outs in his room, time outs in the corner of the living room, time outs in our room all alone, taking away his playstation (he loves it, but we only let him play maybe once a week), not being able to go out with his friends, taking favorite toys away…etc…aside from spanking we’ve done everything we can possibly do, including talking to him to try and make him understand why his behaviour is not appropriat. he doesn’t care any more, time out’s are a big game to him, he’ll snikker and play…no matter how long he’s left there (we started off with 7 minutes which worked great for a while). He’s going downhill fast and i have no idea how to cope with him anymore. Any insight as to how to help him would be great….
Discipline
Zoe, I would move toward positive reinforcement. A sticker chart works great for my 7 year old. On her daily callendar that she has pinned to our back door she collects stickers for tasks that she has the most trouble with. After earning a certain amount of stickers, she gets a trip to the dollar store or a video.
Discipline
Good advice from Terri! I would add that it is SOOO important not to allow anything to upset you even slightly when dealing directly with him. If there is an emotional reinforcement of getting you upset, it may overpower any negative consequences you could arrange.
Another thing I learned while working at a treatment facility for kids - sometimes predicting their negative behavior produces the opposite result. We used to do this with two people - one says, “well, it’s pretty obvious that Patrick is going to have a tantrum right now, he ALWAYS does” (all in the most unconcerned tone you can manage). The other says, “Really? Is his behavior THAT predictable?” First: “Yup, you can ALWAYS tell what he is going to do. There’s no way he could possibly choose to calm down and earn a sticker - he never does that.” All so he can hear you, of course. This can have amazing results on the oppositional child. I have also used betting - “I’ll bet you a quarter you can’t handle a consequence without gettting upset.” Yes I can!” “No way! Next time there’s a consequence, you’ll see, I’ll win.” Then subtly remind him of the bet at the next consequence. If he does accept his consequence, you get very upset: “Dang it! You did me out of a quarter! I though SURE you were going to act out! You really fooled me that time.” Another idea: I often will act like I am HAPPY they are acting out - “Oh, boy, Sam is acting out again! That means I can give out more consequences and get some work done around here. Once he protests his timeout, I can get these dishes done for free!” And, of course, if he does the timeout, you express your extreme disappointment!
Sometimes you have to be really creative with these guys. But remember, his big goal is not to do what you tell him to, and to get you upset, so if you can arrange it so he feels he is “getting the better of you” by COMPLYING, then you are way ahead. This, combined with the positive reinforcement program (stickers) already suggested, makes a pretty powerful combination.
Good luck!
–- Steve
I’m with you, Terri! We have had two (out of three) “ADHD-type” kids - no meds, no special ed. We always engaged them in solving their own problems and designing behavior plans. Lots of timers, sticker charts, contracts, and reward programs. My oldest just graduated from high school with honors. His elementary years were hellish at times, but we never even considered meds.
I like the idea of the “special brain”. I used to tell my oldest that some people found math hard, but for him it was easy. That was his gift. Some people found getting along with others people easy, but for him it was hard. That was his challenge. We all have gifts and challenges, and I encouraged him to use his gifts to overcome his challenges. Our youngest is seven and (largely because we learned so much from parenting our first) the teacher at his school was astounded to hear that he was an “ADHD”-type kid. He has learned to respect others and to find his way without stopping others from finding theirs.
Good job for valuing your child and teaching her that she can overcome her challenges. She sounds like a fantastic child and will be a fantastic adult!
–- Steve :D