How To Manage the Whining

I can empathize with you…my daughter is 7, has Asperger’s (or possibly ADHD…the jury is still out), has learning disabilities, and whines like crazy any time she has to do something that isn’t on her personal agenda!!! I find it very difficult to handle.

Just had to respond with a little empathy for you!

Well, what is he getting out of whining? Does it ever work for him? If it does, you can be sure he will keep it up! I have found that labeling these blatant attempts at gaining control through guilt for what they are, and making sure that I NEVER reinforce them, is the best starting point. I will very calmly say, “Gee, you seem to be whining right now - do you think that will change my mind?” or “I have already decided, and whining isn’t going to help much. I’d be happy to hear your feelings if you want to talk about it, but if you whine, I am just going to ignore you.” It is also essential to have something they are supposed to do INSTEAD of whining, like asking with words. We have used sticker charts to good advantage in this way - he gets a sticker if he asks with words instead of whining. A certain number of stickers can be cashed in for something he wants.

Another device I have used is what I call “energy points”. He can earn an energy point whenever he does something to help me feel more energetic (like asking politey or helping out without being asked). He loses a point if he saps my energy (whining, tantrums, fighting with siblings). If he is below zero for the day, I do NOTHING for him - no cooking, no reading, no rides, no help with homework, NOTHING. The only way out is to do something helpful to re-energize me. If he argues, of course, that saps energy even further. It is to the point with my youngest that just saying “Minus one” is enough to get him to toe the line without further comment. Works well, if you have enough energy to stick with it while they test you out to find out if you really mean it.

Mostly it is all about being serious about following through - no warnings, no breaks. Sometimes if they are old enough (about 7 or so), writing a contract where you agree on the desired behavior change and consequences can be powerful. But any program is only as powerful as your intention to follow through with it.

Hang in there!

–- Steve

[quote=”Amy”]My 7 year old son has ADHD. He takes meds only for school, and is taking a dose at camp. We are with an HMO that is difficult to negotiate. He was diagnosed by a developmental pediatrician a distance away who I found on my own but is within the system. She sees him every 3 months for a brief physical check. After a year I have just found someone nearer by, also part of the HMO, who deals with support for families with a member affected by ADD. We have an appointment in August. In the meantime, those of you who have behavioral management plans - what do you do about the endless whining and frustration when it comes time to do anything ?- Right now, it was preparation for bed that drove me to write this. My husband is reading with him. (Another whole issue - he has learning disabilities as well). I realize how whiny I sound right now, but if nothing else, I can just use an empathetic response! Thanks[/quote]

For us - bedtime structure. A very basic procedure, step by step, that begins at a specific time ALWAYS. We walked and walked thru it together. The reward is the snuggly reading time at the end. The goal was to get thru the steps to maximize reading time before a specific bedtime. The exposure to good literature and vocabulary is doubly important to an LD kid, in my opinion, so keep up the reading, have fun with the classics and supplement with books on tape.
You need to consider meds in this. How much of the whinging comes from meds running out? Possibly none but what if it is a function of loss of control at a particular time of day due to meds out of system? Your doc maybe able to fine tune med or meds timing. Many families experience a tough end of the day as meds are winding down thus teh need for bedtime structure. Most docs and sleep clinics recommend a regular routine for bedtime. We have added chamomile tea with honey to reading time with good effect.

Our bugaboo was mornings -couldn’t get her out of bed, nag to get dressed, nag to brush hair, couldn’t leave because no shoes, yadda, yadda, yadda. Hated nagging, hated mornings. Had a family meeting, where we stated expectations and posted the check list. School bag packed the night before, at breakfast at 7:15 or before, teeth brushed, dog fed, check off list before leaving. She checks off the list herself. She is much happier and so are we. Allowance is based on checklist. She gets so much per day that ALL items are checked.

good luck
mmm

You have gotten some EXCELLENT advice here.

I will add one thing. Just disengage when the whining starts. Remove yourself from your child as quickly as possible. Calmly state, “I don’t like the whining so you will have to go to bed without a story tonight. I am sure you will be able to go to bed without any complaints tomorrow. I love you good night.” No discussion, no warning no anything close the door, done. Even if he screems through the door just ignore it. Stay calm, don’t yell. (Yelling is a reward to them. Arguments are sometimes craved by these children because the drama has a stimulant effect.)

Make sure that the whining has the opposite effect of what he is trying to accomplish. When you catch him going to bed without a complaint state, “Let’s read an extra story because you haven’t complained about going to bed tonight. You are doing great.”

Yes, good advice from all! I am starting to wonder if Asperger whining is different than “regular” whining, though! My older two kids would try whining and if I didn’t give in eventually it would stop. My Asperger kid whines forever about things and she just won’t stop…for instance, she has to get a spacer in her mouth to keep some teeth aligned and she has been whining about that for a week now. Out of the blue she will just start…”why do I have to get a spacceeerrrr” and that will go on and on for a half hour at a time. I disengage from the “conversation” as soon as it becomes a whine, but it doesn’t matter, she will just flop around and whine the same sentence for a long time before something else catches her fancy…it is very annoying. If she won’t stop and we are at home, I make her go into her room until the whining is over. I really hate when she does it in the car, though, because I can’t get away and she won’t stop. She didn’t even learn HOW to whine until she was at least 4 years old. I think Asperger kids are slower at picking up the “norms” of childhood….the good and the bad. She didn’t cry either (unless it was extreme physical pain…not for sadness, no crying, no descernible sadness, either) until she was around the same age.

Any advice for this problem would be great…

It sounds almost like she is locked into a behavior. My son used to do that when he was a preschooler—and there was very little I could do to stop it once it started. We found prevention was the best cure—learning the things that would set him off. But if she is set off by things like spacers in her teeth, wow, what a tough position to be in. Personally, I suspect it is related to her disability—especially if your techniques are effectitve with your other children.

No advice. Just wanted to offer you my support.

Beth

Thanks for the support, Beth! :)

tHANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

for support with ADD, also check to see if there’s a chapter of C.H.A.D.D. in your area.

I had two ADD sons and bedtimes were tough. have you talked with your son about this? No child is too young for a quiet sit-down. Explain that we all go to bed. Sleep is an important for our bodies and our health as is eating. Tell him that you find it hard when he makes such a fuss about something we all do and must do. Tell him you’d like the day to end on a good note, not a fussy note or a whiny note.

then perhaps promise him a nightly read aloud if he enjoys that. Reading outloud every night helped us to get our boys to bed. they looked forward to the read aloud and we promised them we would read every night if bedtime went smoothly. We put them to bed at the same time pretty much every night as that seemed to help the process.

Maybe you could combine it with a weely trip to the library so he could choose the read aloud books. (with one of my sons, we had to read the SAME book every night for over a year…but he did go happily to bed)

When your daughter is whinning don’t say a word. When she isn’t whinning say, “You are so brave, I know it must be so tough to wear spacers. You are doing a great job by not complaining. You really are a trooper.”

Recognizing that with her underlying deficits this is especially difficult for her might help her to muddle through the pain without complaining. I have found that empathy goes a very long way with my son. I realize that things are more difficult for him because of his issues and I give him credit for dealing with things that wouldn’t be difficult for most kids.

I try not to give false praise or lavish it on too thick for every little thing but recognize that if he holds it together without running around the table while we are out at dinner that he has put in a strong effort for him.

We do have a general schedule and reading is a valued (by all) part of the evening routine. Sometimes he gets hungry at bedtime - right at bedtime, and this is a child with minimal appetitie. We’ve tried giving him just a very little something in the hopes he would eat breakfast the next day, but there’s no carryover - it’s as if even the hunger is impulsive!

He’s probably hungry at bedtime because the medication is wearing off. Or he might be manipulating, but I think the first is more likely. You might just want to plan on having him eat a large snack right before bed, but put a time limit on it, and after the time limit, no more food. We have a similar problem with our 7-year-old (who is not medicated), and we just worked a big snack into the bedtime routine.

Again, the clarity of limits and refusal to get involved in a power struggle is critical. You give him an opportunity to deal with his hunger needs, then set the limit. If he complains, etc., you are clear that he made his decision, and that he might want to make a different one tomorrow night.

Alternatively, you could say that he doesn’t have to eat his snack, but reading will not start until he gets some food into him. You control the reading, so he can’t really do much about that. I even dramatically take out my own book, and say, “Oh, great! Kevin isn’t going to eat for a while, so I can get some reading in. This is SUCH a great book - maybe he’ll take a long time to get started and I can get a chapter or two in!” Then, as soon as he takes his first bite, it’s “Oh, dang it! Now I HAVE to read to you! I was just getting into the story!” He always thinks this is pretty funny, even though he knows it is a game by this point. HE gets control by doing what I want him to do. He likes having control, so it works. Worth a try!

Good luck!

–- Steve

There is a book called “1-2-3 Magic”, which is fairly simplistic in it’s approach. It’s based on the concept of cutting down the number of times they will actually bother to use whining or use counter-arguements to your requests. Instead of endlessly trying to reason with them or banter your point across, you simpliy give them the three chances at hand to CHOOSE to cooperate or move on to less friendly punishments. I know that there are a zillion approaches out there that mimic this one, but it seems to work well for us. You always get mixed reviews on these things, but I’ll give it a thumbs up for practicality and good humor on the author’s part. Hope this helps a little. :) Susan

Steve,

Even if my son takes a 2nd dose of meds during the week it’s out of his system by late afternoon. This same pattern happens even after not being on meds for days. I’m not convinced the appetite issue is primarily due to the meds. I’ve got to find a good pediatrician within our HMO who will look at the big picture with him.

He is getting negative reinforcement for noncompliance issues, not just whining. He’s obsessed with a computer game and because he won’t quit peacefully in a reasonable amount of time he’s lost reading privileges several times which kills me. The one thing we had down was his doing some reading (it’s critical, for his learning disability) and then one of us reading to him.

Much of his problematic behaviors are not due to meds, but frustration and difficulties on the learning front and sensory issues that school OT seemed to have some positive effect on, along with meds, but seems to be rewmerging.

Sounds very tough! But you are really working for a solution, and I am sure it will come to you. How does he get positive attention? Does he know how to earn it? We also spent a LOT of time with preemptive positive attention - if he was doing well for a certain time period, we would spontaneously suggest some fun activity together that he liked. This worked better than waiting until he did something bad and taking things away.

We do have problems with eating, and did so with both of our “spirited” children. Sometimes I think they just hated to interrupt their life for the inconvenient and dull task of having to feed their bodies! Also, there were frequent power struggles over when to eat and how much. We got smarter with our second - we have declared a 1/2 hour where he has to be at the table with us and have some food in front of him. He doesn’t have to eat, but he can’t do anything else except chat with us. If he chooses to eat, we may let him go before the half hour is up, but if he doesn’t, he sits the entire half hour. It has gotten to where he now will eat without much discussion. We also provide the choice of him preparing his own food if he doesn’t like what was made, but it has to be balanced and he has to clean up all the prep dishes. He gets a certain amount of $$ at the store to purchase dinner stuff that he likes to eat. That way, there is none of the “I don’t like what you cooked” stuff, where what he loved last week is now indigestible!

We also had a lot of trouble with the video addiction stuff. With Patrick, we had to just set a total time limit. We used timers A LOT, which really helped with both of them. Of course, it only worked when we learned to follow through and it was sometimes pretty ugly stuff. Nonetheless, after several months of hard labor, things did start to clean up around the video/TV issue. Earning extra video time can also then be used as an incentive to work with you on other issues of concern.

I know this is really tough - I have been there and pulled my hair out every day for months and years before coming up with this stuff. Plus I worked at a day treatment center for emotionally disturbed kids. So I learned all the tricks, and I had to use ALL of them with Patrick! But he turned out OK, and so will yours. The trick is for you to survive it in one piece! Be patient, work on one thing at a time, and you will get there. But I know how bad it can be, believe me - you have my sympathy!

I hope at least some of this is helpful. Good luck, and keep us posted!

–- Steve