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Need help for strained relationship!

Submitted by an LD OnLine user on

:cry: My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADD as a child and was put on Ritalin. He does’nt remember much of his treatments or seeing a doctor as a child, but his mother filled me in some.

Anyways, I often feel as if i’m dating Dr. Jekel & Mr. Hide. We’ve been together for two years now, and it seem’s to be getting progressively worse.
He’s emotionally distant, unable to communicate without yelling and arguing, views things very one sided, at times seems to be selfish and uncaring. When I try to talk to him about our relationship problems, he seem to “zone out” or stay’s focused on one small part of my discussion.

I thought befor it was just him falling out of love with me, until I started doing some reading on ADD.
I don’t know how much of his behaivor is his ADD or just how he is. He refusses to think he has it anymore, mainly beacuse he does’nt understand it.

He’s a great person, he can be very loving, attentive, and very caring (at times). I want to learn all I can because I do love him and hope to have a future with him.
I would appreciate any help you can give….
Thank you.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 08/24/2003 - 7:32 AM

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Wow, he sounds like the worlds luckiest guy.
His Mum must be thrilled to have a Gal who seeks help for HIM, and - puts up with his selfish denial and abusive manner. (Passing the baton?)
Dump him, save yourself… The world is full of caring, loving, etc., nice guys… think about what he offers ‘in total,’ if your in for the long - long - long run. He already has one Mum.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 08/24/2003 - 4:03 PM

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You are a saint and he’s a very fortunate young man to have someone like you. But it sounds like you’re up against it. You’re going to have to get him in one of those times when he’s loving and caring to get him to listen about ADD.

And that usually doesn’t work. How’s the rest of his life? His work? His relationships with friends? If everything’s going fairly well in those parts of his life, he might not be inclined to consider that he’s got a problem that needs solving.

Sometimes in relationships we can say “Do this for me. Read this information about ADD and tell me think. Do it for me.”

That’s not a lot to ask. Gather some information on ADD and ask him to read it or read it with you. If he says no to something that small, the future you’re hoping to have with this guy may not be that bright.

Much good luck to you and I sincerely hope it all turns out the way you want it.

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 09/12/2003 - 6:59 AM

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It sounds like this guy was irrepairably damged from the years of Ritalin. There used to be an old saying “SPEED KILLS” It kills brain cells in the frontal lobes.

There may be some treatments for his damage but the person nature intended to him to bedied a long time ago.

This man is not a happy person and he probably never will be.

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 09/14/2003 - 12:25 AM

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Been thee, done that…been there, done that. I have 2 ex husband’s who have ADHD (diagnosed). There is a reason they are ex’s. After going to marriage counseling for 2 years, I had to come to the conclusion that I could not help the second ex, he had to help himself. I am much happier. The first ex finally got himself medicated a few years ago and is a completely different person, more attentive to our children and less likely to show up hours late for visitation pick up (he is still late, but now it is counted in single digit minutes). The hyperactivity symptoms of ADHD diminish with time, but the inattentiveness remains consistent. I had those same conversations that were not remembered, the parts of the conversation that were not the main idea were what he hyper-focused on, and eventually feeling that I ws being ignored was more than I could handle. I could recommend the book “Driven to Distraction” as a good reference tool. Good Luck in whatever decision you make.

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 09/16/2003 - 10:37 AM

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Your boyfriend reminds me of someone I know, ME! I,m 44 yrs. old. Had ADHD since I was a kid,but never was “diagnosed” till I was 43.It’s hard to “correct” things when you’re not aware of what’s causing them.I struggled through school and also embalming school as well.Even after I was licensed,I was always “tripping over my own feet” a lot. I have an IQ of 124, so it’s not due to not knowing better, ADHD just gets in the way sometimes. I do 50 mg. of Adderall every day. Got it bad huh? The Adderall helps a ton! I,ve been accused by some of “bluffing” the doctor with this ADHD “bull–- just to get “hooked up” and it all will be legal, since my “drugs” are from a doctor rather than off the street. These are some of the things people will throw at you. Could be your boyfriend has put up with s– like this so much he refuses to admit his ADHD is still getting in his way. Sort of like you have a little “demon” on your back constantly hitching a ride off ya. His “job” is to throw a wrench in your boyfriends machine every chance he gets. This is afairly accurate metaphor to describe life as an adult with ADHD. I “argued” with my doc for almost a half hour when he told me of my dosorder. I finally realized I was “in denial”. I thought ADHD was “idiot disease”. It’s not. But, if a patient with this is not constantly on guard, this little ADHD demon will do all he can to screw things up for you. This has already cost me one marriage already. I hope you let your friend read this. Could help some. Also. there is NO such thing as a perfect medicine. They ALL help in one way but hinder in another. Especially controlled substances like Ritalin or Adderall. My doctor said to treat them like rattlesnakes in a box. Most times, if you treat the snake right, he won’t bite you. You mishandle or ABUSE the rattler, he’ll sink his fangs in you. My doc refuses to prescribe Adderall to ANYONE with a past history of drug abuse. He’ll just fill ‘em up with Prozac or something.Says he ain’t gonna let no “druggie” cause himto lose his license. You probably don’t care to hear this part do ya? Sorry. Your friend needs to do what I did, to chill-out! Life is one problem after another. You have problems, I have problems and your friend has some. I DO know most women have little tolerance for partners who release “ADHD steam” on their mates on a regular basis. I do emphathize with your friend. In some ways I know him better than you do! Nobody knows ADHD better than someone who has it, not even doctors! Your friend can, with your help, solve some of these little ADHD quirks if he really WANTS TO. That’s up to him. He may decide you BOTH are better off if you guys just cut it off. If he won’t, then you will just to keep your sanity. Living with or being married to an ADD’er is a chore. You definitely have your hands full. Good luck. Talk to me and I’ll answer ya. May be a few days but I’ll get back to you. P.S. ADHD can have some REAL advantages. I’m sort of, in a funny way, glad I have this. Once you get your act together, you’re unstoppable! Soar like an eagle if ya want to. See ya.

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