We have been traveling (weekend trips and two or three weeks a year, split up) with our just-turned-14-year-old son his entire life, and he always seemed to enjoy it. We always consider his interests when we choose places to visit and make sure we stay where there are pools, basketball courts, video arcades, etc. We travel in a motor home which has a TV so he can play his video games as we drive so as to make the trips more pleasant for him.
Even so, around 12, he began to fuss about going away, so we began to allow him to bring a friend whenever practical (he is an only child). That seemed to solve the problem for the most part. The problem is, if a friend is not available, the fussing has gone to out-and-out mutiny to the point where he actually begs to be left home to stay with a friend’s family or a “nanny” if a friend is not available.
We realize that his friends are all important to him at this stage, but we would still like to have SOME family time doing something we enjoy. The fact that he obviously doesn’t enjoy it as we do is really upsetting as he goes on and on about it prior to a trip to the point where I feel like just canceling it. Although we have not done so and insisting that he accompanying us, I am wondering if we should just give up and get a sitting service to stay with him.
Any advice from anyone who has had this same problem come up?
Re: Help- 14 year old HATES to travel with Mom & Dad
Thanks, Momma1
It’s good to hear that someone else thinks this is “normal” teen behavior which I suspected. And, as you seemed to say, it is more intense with our kids than others. I agree with that as well— my son is very emotional about everything, so this degree of intensity is totally in character for him.
What I find the hardest is his apparently complete disregard for our feelings, i.e., he “hates camping” but is right there ready to go if his friend’s family invites him. I try not to take it personally, but it is really difficult not to. We may not be the most scintillating couple in the world, we are certainly not old fuddy duddies!
Re: Help- 14 year old HATES to travel with Mom & Dad
Remember that a lot of the intensity is done for effect! It took me YEARS to realize that my oldest would quickly recover from most of his emotional outbursts the minute he realized he wouldn’t “win”, or the minute I gave in to it. He even described to my brother how he “worked on us” to get his way. I know the lack of empathy is disturbing, but it gets better as they get older. My oldest is 19, and while he will never be successful in the diplomatic corps, he has developed a much more respectul style of approach as he has matured.
I also learned to let him know how I felt in very specific terms, and let him know that when I got angry, it meant a LOT, and that I didn’t get over it in a few minutes like he seemed to. I would refuse to do anything with him for a certain period of time after he was rude or thoughtless to make it sink in. I also developed the technique of telling him in advance exactly how much say he would have in a certain decision, like this: “We will be going on vacation from next Friday through the following Sunday. You are coming along. Both of those have been decided, so there is no point talking to me about it further. You can bring one friend, as long as we know by Wednesday night. We’d be happy to talk about what kind of places you want to see, but we will be determining where we camp. Any questions?” Of course, he would still try to argue, and I’d have to leave sometimes, but I refused to discuss the non-negotiable aspects of the agreement. After a long while (months of hard work), he came to understand that when I said not negotiable, I meant it. And he mostly left it alone after that. He’d still try and slip into arguing and catch me once in a while, but once I got back on script, he’d give up pretty quick.
They won’t keep putting nickels in if they don’t get a gumball. That’s about all there is to it. But it’s a lot of work to re-train them once they are used to getting us upset with these techniques. He’s not nearly as upset as you are. Don’t let him get to you - define the terms of what is and isn’t negotiable BEFORE talking to him (get your partner to agree, too!), and calmly refuse to back down. You could even say “I know this approach has worked for you in the past, but we have changed the rules, and it’s not going to make a difference. You can continue to argue if you wish, but we have discussed it, and these points are not negotiable.”
I’m not saying it won’t be hard, but if you stay with it for a while, he will get the idea. Hang in there!
–- Steve
To Steve...
Steve, I have to tell you that, about three or four lines into your post, I began to suspect that it was written by a dad rather than a mom. Unless Steve is short for Stephanie, I’m right! The reason I bring this up is that my husband says similar things, and even though I know he’s right, it’s hard for me to be as detached as he is able to be.
That said, you had some great advice, particulary telling your son in advance what to expect. We did this when our son was younger but somehow it went by the wayside. I think, at least in my case, I sometimes avoid telling him certain things simply to avoid his CONSTANT complaining, i.e., whenever we are planning a trip.
As far as the thoughtlessness, the really mind boggling thing is that my son is an extremely thoughtful and compassionate person— when it comes to others and even us.
Again, you had some great advice which I plan to mull over with my husband right this minute. Thanks!
:roll: Not only do our ADHD teens not want to be with their parents, but ALL normal teens don’t want to hang around Mom and Dad :? . We let our daughter stay with friends and family at times, and at others we insist she come along for the ride, like it or not! It just depends on the type of trip, family reunion - a must come along, visiting old friends (perhaps even older than WE are! :oops: ) - better off staying home or with their friends. Remember to take some trips where you can enjoy yourself too, and as your teen becomes even better at being a teen (mine is really good at being a teenager, this may mean leaving him home or with friends :wink: .
We just need to make it really clear what our expectations are of them and make sure our expectations of them are reasonable, e.g. how could they stand being around a bunch of old people!
Good luck. You are beginning the detachment phase that’s normal for all teens, but extremely difficult with our special kids. :roll: