My son is ADHD and is on concerta. We are trying to cope with many problems, but one seems to stand out. My son cannot stand to loose. He is constantly reduced to tears in the play ground because “they are cheating”. It may or may not be true that they are cheating in the play ground, usually playing touch football (I remember arguements as to whether a person was touched or not), but the problem is that he cannot cope with it. At home when I play chess with him, if I start to beat him he claims confusion and wants to start over again. When he plays video games with his sister there is only one game that she can beat him at and he gets upset with her because she is beating him (this is not a bad thing because it is about only thing she can beat him at).
What I am wondering is this typical of ADHD children or do I have something else going on?
Thanks for you input
more to add about can't stand to loose
Thanks Steve you were quick to respond
After entering my last message I got thinking about my son and other similar things he does. I thought I should add them in hope of provoking more discussion.
He is very good at spelling tests. It is not unusual for him to get perfect on a test, but when he does get one wrong, he will deny it. We try to tell him that there is no shame in get a couple wrong but he will not hear of it.
Also he can not stand to be corrected. If there is a problem with his home work and I try to correct him, he goes off the deap end. It doesn’t matter how lightly I try to explain the situation, he can’t stand it.
Chris
Re: Can't stand to loose
This problem is not confined to kids with ADHD. It’s a maturity issue, and your child will eventually grow out of it. It also tends to be a big problem with gifted kids, who have a black and white view of right and wrong, and a heightened sense of fairness for their age. We had it with my now 10 year old daughter. It was just awful when she was ages 4-7. ( I distinctly remember screaming fits over the games Sorry and Chutes and Ladders. We just told her we weren’t going to play if she had those melt downs. Now, at age 10, she’s much better. She can play games on the playground that have rules like Calvin-ball, and has learned that if she’s getting upset, it’s time to go do something else.
So, basically all you can do is grit your teeth and remove your child from situations where he’s going to fall apart. Telling him you (or his sister) will not continue to play the game if he falls apart may also help. Eventually, if he really wants to play, he’ll learn to control himself.
Your comments on his perfectionism with spelling tests also sounds like what is common with gifted kids. They are often perfectionists that have a hard time coping with the realization that they also occasionally make mistakes. You didn’t say how old your son is, but if he’s under 10, the behavior you describe is pretty normal. If he’s older than that, you may need to work harder to correct the behavior.
Kay
ADHD
While ADHD children can both be impulsive and overreact to many things or one thing, not all ADHD children by any means overreact to losing a game. A difficulty with accepting defeat, though, is a common childhood problem (I know some adults with the issue as well)
Would he rather never play chess again with you than be beaten? Do you ever let him win? Try playing without your queen to even things up perhaps.
If he loses at everything everytime, that’s got to sting. Let him win at something and when he does, point out that you’re not reacting to the defeat and that you still enjoyed the game. Try to find some games where no one wins (there’s an old book called New Games and More New Games filled with no-winner games)
Good luck.
Get used to it! It is very common. Both of my “ADHD”-type kids had that problem.
I would suggest setting up a system where he gets recognition for accepting a loss - maybe a sticker chart, or a spontaneous trip to the ice ceram parlor if he handles it when he loses. Sometimes I would bet my kids (ahead of time) that they would have a tantrum when they lost. I also tended to avoid situations where an absolute win-lose was an issue. I kept away from organized sports for my oldest. My youngest is a little better, but he still cries when they score a goal on him in soccer, even if it’s not his fault. It’s just one more thing to work on - if you put some positive attention on it, it will work itself out eventually. I think it’s part of this goal-directedness that a lot of these kids display. They hate it when the world doesn’t cooperate with their plans! But they can learn that they have control over themselves, with a lot of patience and encouragement.
Good luck!
–- Steve