I am fully aware of the problems that children with ADD have with organization and following instructions. But, this year I am at my wits end and it’s only Oct 1. My daughter is a Sophmore in HS. She has been dx with ADD since 3rd grade. She has taken a form of Ritalin since 4th grade. She is mainstreamed with the option to go to the Resource Room for tests, study halls and even when she is overwhelmed. We have been extremely supportive of her. Every night, FAITHFULLY, we go through her homework with her. If she needs help with anything we help her. Everything is then put into her folders, one for each subject (we’ve tried one folder for everything, nightmare) all tucked away in a very stylish binder! The next day, when she goes to school, the assignments do not get turned in. Some even disappear (she hides them). We have made the Spec Ed teacher aware and she is doing everything possible to try and help her. All of her teachers are aware of this, so if it does happen she can turn them in with no penalty. For some reason, unbenost to her or me, the assignments do not get turned in. This is the conversation in our house.
You’re teacher called and you have missing assignments. Let’s see your folders.
Here are some of the assignments that are missing, where are the others.
“I don’t know.”
Did the teacher ask you for these?
“Yes.”
Why didn’t you hand them in?
“I don’t know.”
They are right here in your folder. Tomorrow go to school and hand them in.
“OK.”
The next evening—
Did you hand in those assignments?
“I don’t know.”
The assignments are still in her folder. This has been going since grade school. She doesn’t care.
But the clincher is, she can tell you when every TV program is that she wants to watch. Yes we’ve taken away the TV, VCR, CD player, video games, and other priviledges. Nothing, absolutely nothing works. She would be just happy staying home and doing nothing.
She also was on the tennis team at school, she only knew 4 other girls names on the team. She didn’t care to get to know any of them. I have witnessed the other girls trying to talk to her and she gives one or two word answers. The girls think she’s stuck up.
We have role played. Used upteen organizational systems. Gone to school with her. I’m completely and utterly frazzled. She could be doing well, “C” average, if she just handed in her work.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
sophmore in hs
It sounds like you are a wonderful, concerned mom. Sometimes, I think kids who have parents like this will think they don’t have to worry because the have this huge safety net called, MOM.
I think some kids need to feel the effects of failure to see their future as it will be if they continue on this road. I would tell you to let her fail. It is better it happen now than later on.
An F on her report card because of missed assignments as a sophmore is better than one as a junior or senior. She will have to go to summer school and that is that.
I had a sister like this. My mom always made up excuses as to why she couldn’t do things. My sister played it. She lacked the motivation to succeed because everyone around her believed that she couldn’t do it. Everyone was always supposed to help her. It was a terrible situation for all concerned. She grew up believing that everyone in the world owed her something.
You’ve done a lot. Let her know you are there to help if she wants to succeed but if she doesn’t want to succeed you won’t pick up the pieces for her. Let her know that you think she can do it. Believe in her but let her find her own success and her own failure.
Re: Organization and following through with instructions
This sounds alot like depression. It looks diferent in kids and teenager then it does in adults. Dont discount it as just teenage angst. also, kids with adhd often have trouble with social skills and could benefit from social skills training. Also, is it possible that she doesn’t hand in work because she thinks its not good enough. Any chance of undiagnosed learning disability? She needs a thorough eval to see what is going on.
Re: Organization and following through with instructions
Karen,
I was doing some mundane task the other day and it came to me that the problem might be the jump from Jr to Sr high school is part of the problem. There are all kinds of new things kids have to deal with when going from a Jr. to a Sr. high school setting. Is this too much for her?
Re: Organization and following through with instructions
Karen,
I have a step-son who was never diagnosed with anything - although based on my knowledge now he should have been (my husband and I have a 10 year old son with various disabilities and disorders).
We did what you are doing, had many meetings with all ranges of school personnel - and we were told my step-son was lazy and to let him fail. Seeing the consequences of his actions would be the only way he would learn to do what we all knew he was capable of doing. Wrong!
The end result of that was that he did fail, he went to summer school every summer (where they watch movies in my county) and barely graduated from high school. His self-esteem was rotten, and he was probably depressed. He also couldn’t hold a job.
Our young son was identified with LDs just after my step-son graduated from high school. In second grade our young son was starting to exhibit the same learning behavior as his older step-brother, and I was very concerned. As I researched LDs and disorders for my young son, I was finally starting to realize that we had done my step-son an extreme disservice by following the school personnel’s advice. I was making appointments to have him tested, and was submitting an application to night classes at the Lab School in Washington to get him the help he should have had during his time in public school.
About that time, four months after he graduated from high school, my step-son did a lot of rotten things to our family - and disappeared. I wonder sometimes if he was scared we wouldn’t find anything wrong with him, and discover he really was lazy and stupid. We haven’t seen or heard from him directly since.
We do have an ear to the ground and he is surviving - but he can’t hold a job, he steals, and he uses up his friends and has to find a new set of even more undesirable friends. We will willingly help him, but there are parameters to that based on his past behavior. And right now, he doesn’t want our help.
So, please get a full range of evaluations for your daughter, and please have her checked for anxiety or depression. Don’t wait until it is too late, like we did.
Lil
Re: Organization and following through with instructions
Thank you all for your useful suggestions. I have set up an appt. with her psych, but she has told me that she will not go. I’ll make some deal with her to get her to go. I am wondering about the meds.
We did let her ‘fail’ in the 8th grade, thinking that it would matter to her. It didn’t. Her father and I have explained that the consequences of her actions will be summer school and taking the class over. We think that she is extremely afraid to talk to her reg ed teachers. I have spoke to the spec ed teacher many times and she tells me that my daughter is a very confident and outgoing girl. But, that is only when she is in the resource room.
I have thought about depression, hence the dr’s appt. I will have to wait and see what the dr says and try to get to the bottom of the problem.
Thanks again to everyone.
I don’t have any specific suggestions but your post raised several questions in my mind.
Do you think the Ritalin is still working, sometimes meds have to be adjusted over time.
Do you think she has basically given up on school, do you think she might be depressed? Have you talked to her doctor (that is managing the ADD meds)? (If you think she is depressed don’t delay finding help for that)
Does she have a best friend - is she chatty and social with her? Maybe there are social problems that can be addressed by working with the school counselor, or a family psychologist, or maybe there are other issues to address beyond the ADD?
- Kim