THIRD GRADE GRADES

I have had two and never used drugs. You wouldn’t believe the variety of behavior plans we have generated! Give me a few more details and I’ll give it a whirl!

–- Steve

Have you tried using a discipline ladder??

I have never tried one myself, but have a few friends that swear by them. Good luck!

I dont know what a ladder is? My son is extremely intelligent. (and not in a “he is my son” way.” He knows the answers but spends his time talking or drawing or reading. When he does his work he tries to get it done fast so he can pick up a book or draw. He forgets his lunch or leaves his things all over. He has no responsiblility. Last week he lost his hockey shin pads and I had to buy new ones in order for him to play. Does this info help?

I know what you mean…my stepson is exactly the same way. He knows the answers, and is really bright, if he would just do the work!

Before he was on medication, and if he has to miss his medicaiton for any reason (we have had problems with ins)…he does exactly what you said…drawing, talking, playing. It takes forever for anything to get done.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any ideas for you…but would love to hear others.

We have tried everything we can think of. We have used money, toys, gifts, discipline, etc…and nothing has worked, when this happens.

The thing that makes it hardest is that most of these kids are very bright. As you say, he already knows the answers. I think it is natural that a very bright child would hurry through work that he already knew the answers to, because it is BORING! I remember feeling that way myself - second grade, subtraction with borrowing - we spent MONTHS (it seemed) doing dozens and dozens of subtraction with borrowing problems which I had already figured out the first day. INCREDIBLY DULL!! I think it is vitally important to have some compassion for where he is coming from.

So my first thought is to see what he is doing and whether there is any challenge in it for him. My more challenging children both really liked being recognized as “special” in terms of their abilities, and are both actually very perfectionistic when it comes to their own work, but they hate being told what to do, especially if what they are doing is not something they feel they really need to know about. So maybe it is time to get some testing for a “gifted” program, or just to ask the teacher to work with him to come up with areas of interest so you can challenge him with some more interesting work. I find that “Gifted” is a much more useful label than “ADHD” in terms of getting some special attention for your child.

As far as the disorganization goes, it is annoying, but many extremely disorganized people go on to live productive lives. With my kids, we started by focusing on basic issues, like picking up after themselves, or making lunch, or whatever, and built it into the daily routine. These things have to happen at a particular time, and there can be no casual exceptions made. If there is anything left out for even a couple of minutes, they have to do a job for making me do their work for them. If you combine this with a sticker chart that rewards organized behavior, you can make some impact pretty quickly. Of course, be prepared for some tantrums or angry outbursts at how unfair you are being, and how they can’t help it if they are forgetful, etc., and don’t get hooked into that conversation at all. They CAN remember if they are motivated enough, but it isn’t important enough for them to care (until their hockey pads are suddenly missing).

The other approach that is VERY important is “natural consequences”. If he lost his hockey pads, he wouldn’t be able to play hockey. As long as you immediately rescue him from this natural consequence, he will not value his hockey pads very highly. After all, they can quickly be replaced at no cost to him. But if he ends up missing a practice because they are lost, he will understand the importance of putting them somewhere that he can find them again. And if, better yet, he has to EARN BACK THE MONEY to buy the new pair, then he will REALLY think twice before he loses them again.

Some people think this is mean, because these kids really do have difficulties remembering things. But I think it is cruel NOT to have them learn the consequences of their actions, because later in life, they will expect to be bailed out. It took us a lot of years to figure this out, but once we did, it has made a huge difference. Our younger “ADHD”-type son is much more organized and thoughtful than his similarly-dispositioned older brother, because we started on this kind of approach earlier in his life (having learned from our mistakes with the older one!)

Another thing I have insisted on is immediate action when it comes to organization. All three of my boys are experts at saying they’ll do it “in a minute”, which often means never. I insist on immediate cleanup of messes, and if they pull the “in a minute”, I put a timer on for 5 or 10 or 2 minutes, as the case requires, and I let them know that if the timer rings and it isn’t cleaned up, they get an extra job, in addition to having to clean up the mess. This works wonders if you are consistent, because it takes you out of the immediate power struggle (“Do it now! No, I’ll do it in a minute. No, do it now!”, etc.) and gives them some time and space to think about the long term consequences of their decision. So it not only handles the immediate need, but it teaches them to start thinking ahead and considering consequences, which is a big shortcoming of these very impulsive children. But don’t expect it to be easy. And they will NEVER be organized and thoughtful people, no matter what you do, so just realize it will always be an issue for them to work on. But that doesn’t mean you can’t provide motivation for them to develop better skills in the area. They will really need these skills in the future.

The last thing I would add is some kind of an incentive system for the schoolwork issue. After all, we are really asking him to do some things that he obviously doesn’t find interesting, at least he should get some payoff for putting up with our demands. If you can work something out with the teacher on this, it would be even better, so he can get immediate classroom rewards for thoroughness and completion. He seems to like to read, so that may be a good one. Also, if he does a certain number of assignments well, I’d bet he’d just LOVE to be able to shorten or skip an assignment that he finds particularly dull as a payoff. This is really not the best situation, as he SHOULD be given work that is challenging and that he can buy into more. That’s why we homeschooled, to avoid this problem. But at least this way he would be able to see some benefit in going with the program. My sense is that he CAN go along with the program if he wants to, but if it’s not his idea, he won’t do it. Same with my kids. It’s an issue of motivation. And remember, since he is already smart, he is probably not being harmed acedemically at all by not doing his work more carefully. To him it’s just meaningless busywork, and he isn’t learning anything new, so why bother? If he can earn some kind of novelty by working with the teacher, he’ll be easier to manage.

That’s just for starters. Perhaps you could let me know if you have tried any of this and what kind of success you have had. We managed to raise our oldest purely by guile and persistence, and never used any meds, but he graduated from HS with honors last year. So behavior programs can work, but you have to really believe in it and dedicate yourself to finding the right plan for your child. And you also have to constantly change the plan as they grow. A lot of work, but I think it has been well worth it. My kids taught me a lot, and I thank them for it!

Let me know how this grabs you. I have plenty of other ideas if this general approach sounds appealing. Good luck!

–— Steve

Steve, as usual, has tons of helpful ideas. I just wanted to comment on the “they can, if they are motivated” part. I saw my son, who could never remember anything, suddenly remember to ask me to sign his planner everyday last year because his teacher rewarded them for it. He was 9.

I must say I was amazed.