Hi all,
We seem to have gotten the academics pretty well under control for my son (he just turned 11, 5th grade). However, his social skills leave a lot to be desired. Now that we know where we’re going with academics, it’s time to turn to the social skills aspect of his life. He has a variety of disorders (inattentive ADHD, NLD, APD, VPD, anxiety) and takes both Methylin (generic Concerta) and Wellbutrin.
He has been in Cub Scouts since first grade - and feels pretty comfortable with those boys, although they do tease him from time to time. He plays soccer and basketball with the local Parks and Rec. He’s turned into a decent defender in soccer - but hasn’t gotten it together for basketball, yet. :-) I had him in Odyssey of the Mind for two years (I coached) but he didn’t work well with a group of seven kids, and I was constantly worrying about him/ talking to him about his behavior - and it was causing struggles we didn’t need at that time - so we quit.
He doesn’t have any good friends, and tends to wear other kids out by his constant talking, jumping, and attention seeking behavior. They will come over once or twice to play, but then their moms start making excuses as to why they can’t come over when invited. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times he has been invited to someone else’s house.
He also bears the brunt of a lot of teasing in school - usually in the bathroom or on the bus. I take him to school in the mornings so he has time to get organized (his bus gets there just before the bell), but it is his choice to ride it home in the afternoons.
We are the parents who always organize the big end of school year picnics and invite all the families of the kids in our son’s class and others we know. After raising three teenagers, we would like to get to know the kids in his class, and their families. I’m getting worn out by this whole thing, and last year is the first time we haven’t done that.
He has three older siblings - but they are all grown and out on their own (he’s the only child from a second marriage).
My son doesn’t talk to me a lot about social things much, but when we do talk, he understands concretely what he needs to do to be a friend and have friends - but he doesn’t seem to be able to translate that to his dynamic environment. I think he has a hard time reading body language, and doesn’t understand where the line is between having fun with his friends, and irritating his friends.
Plus, his anxiety kicks in at unfortunate times, and he gets what he is trying to say all mixed up - and either doesn’t make sense, or says it backwards and looks like he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Ten and eleven year old boys don’t have a lot of patience with things like that.
I read on the social skills board, and we have used the hula hoop to demonstrate personal space. He’s an auditory learner, and I’ve talked him through various social situations - but he doesn’t seem to be able to generalize the conversation beyond that one specific situation we discussed.
Any thoughts as to where I can go to learn how to help him with these issues better?
Thanks,
Lil
Re: Social Skills (big sigh)
Oh Lil, I really feel for you. I also feel that we have the academics in hand, but the social stuff is so hard to address and its so painful.
My son’s social issues are not as severe as your son’s but its something we constantly work on. I find he is more successful socially with kids slightly younger (often in the same grade but with later birthdays). We also had him in a social skills group at one point that helped alot with the mechanics of playing games, choosing activities on playdates etc. (he was younger at the time so it was geared toward that age) This group definitely helped, and let him feel socially successful during a particuarly difficult period.
I’m wondering if you could find a group of kids with similar issues, either in your community, or perhaps a summer camp. My son is very relieved right now to be in a special school where everyone is also LD. Kids this age stop wanting to hear feedback from Mom, he may need to get it from kids his age.
Hang in there. He will be OK, its just a long road.
Karen
5th grader
My non-LD son is a 5th grader and is in the stage of shifting who his best friend is, depending upon the activities at hand; boys this age are not big talkers about their friendships or their feelings, but they do make and keep friendships going by participation in activities. What about video-games? That seems to be the one (other than organized sports) constant acitivity that keeps all the boys who visit our house happy and interacting with the game and each other….the other is collecting and playing the card game Magic. If you can identify one child who could come over on a regular basis to play video-games or a card game, that might go a long way towards building a friendship. What about a high-school boy to “babysit” him in the afternoon once weekly to model/teach playing chess, Magic, etc. and give him feedback about his behavior? I think at this age the gender of the “teacher” is important.
Re: Social Skills (big sigh)
Lil,
One thing we did last year was put our son in a scout den with boy’s a year younger. We did it mostly because we found a really good leader (he was just starting) and our medicore experience with girl scouts convinced me that was everything. But it worked wonderfully. My son fit in better than he ever has with his age mates. He went to camp too and one of the boys was waiting to be his partner. That had never happened.
This experience played into our decision to transfer him to a parochial school and have him repeat a grade this year. Academically, it has worked well. Socially, he is in the mainstream in a way he never was with his age peers. It hasn’t been a perfect decision—he was upset when some of his school mates asked him why he was in the older league for soccer (that goes by birthday).
Perhaps you can find some organization that he can join with slightly younger kids. I also found that my son’s social skills improved and he now plays better with age mates in the neighborhood.
Beth
Re: Social Skills (big sigh)
You want to find good role models, age-appropriate, same sex, and probably not younger kids if he’ll be off to middle school next year, leaving behind younger, elementary school acquaintances. The thing about social skill groups is that the training may not carry over to a real setting.
Re: Social Skills (big sigh)
Try this book, “Jarvis Clutch: Social Spy” by Mel Levine, and it’s available on www.AllKindsOfMinds.org.
Re: Social Skills (big sigh)
Thanks everyone for your responses. :-)
It just hurts so much to see my son be so socially awkward - and I know it hurts him!
I’ll send the info re: social skills to the the SLP who works with my son at school. Of course, I’ve sent her plenty of other things, too - that she has gotten quite good at ignoring.
My son is the oldest in his class (October birthday), so he is almost a year older than many of the kids he sees every day. I think we’ll just keep talking through things, and I hope he’ll be able to generalize it one day. (I think I was in college before I learned that skill! :-) ).
Yes, we have a couple of different game systems, with FOUR controllers for each system. When friends come over with their kids, video games definitely save the day!
And I’ve seen the book “Jarvis Clutch” mentioned positively several times. I’ll have to order it.
Thanks again, everyone!
Lil
Lil,
There is a program SLP’s use called Conversations A framework for Language Intervention for Pre-adolescents, teens and young adults. It was written by Barbara Hoskins. It was publishled by Thinking Publications.
But what this program does is it works with how to model, teach and role play a child in conversations usually using a group format. It teaches peope who to introduce a topic, maintain it, how to elaborate, extend and change a topic, how to clairfy and respond to people who want you to clarify. It teaches the foundational skills necessary for effective conversations and communcation. It will teach him some phrases he can use when he is struggling…
But an SLP can work in a pragmatics group teaching him what he has to do to have friends and to be a friend..
Hope this helps you somewhat…
p