Hi, all!
I have a question. I have a neighbor whose child is diagnosed with ADHD. When he was not following the rules on our tramploline, despite a reminder, I asked him why he was continuing to break the rules, even though he knew he would have to get off the trampoline. He said that he had “eaten something with red dye and it cancels out my medication”. I insisted that he DID have control over his behavior, though it might be harder at times, and that I expected him to follow the rules regardless, and he seemed to accept this somewhat begrudgingly. But he did behave better after this. In a similar situation, a friend of my second son is very frustrated with his brother, who is diagnosed ADHD and is on medication. When he tries to have his brother stop bothering him, his mother says “N–, he has a disability, he can’t help it.” This child (who is about 10) apparently learned quickly to say the same thing when N– asks him to change his behavior. I have reported what I heard to the first mother, and she understood my intent. She was also clear that she did not give him this message herself, but knew he used it sometimes as an excuse. My relationship with the other family is less developed, and I am hesitant to mention it, but I think it is a really dangerous message for their son to be getting. We never have used medication so I haven’t had any personal experience in how to deal with this kind of thinking and I don’t know if it is common or to what extent it is viewed as a problem.
My question(s): has anyone had their children or another child picking up this kind of a message about their diagnosis or medication? Do you see it as a problem for them to be talking and thinking this way? If so, what have you done or said to help change this thinking pattern? And does anyone have any thoughts on how I might approach this with the mother in question? Or should I just keep out of it and let them figure it out?
Any constructive ideas are welcome.
:? –— Steve
Re: Kids blaming ADHD for poor behavior
Steve
From the perspective of one parent that has choosen meds as a part of the treatment for my dd’s ADHD- She has never been allowed to use her ADHD, medication or lack of medication, as an excuse for their behavior. I used to be quite active on some ADHD boards through AOL until I cancelled my subscription with them. [u]Honestly[/u], I think that there is a portion of parents and kids out there that believe that meds are the solution, and therefore, without meds, it’s not possible to control behavior. On the flip side, on those boards I also saw plently of parents that chose not to medicate but still used ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. Just last year in a town nearby a child (16 or 17) decided to take a car for a joy ride during school, crashed it, and nearly killed another student. His, his parents, and his lawyers excuse, undiagnosed ADHD, it’s become an easy out. My approach over there years has been that when I am confronted with someone that chooses to use their ADHD as an excuse has been to take the opportunity to educate. I listen and then I start out with “Did you know” and I explain that while ADHD does indeed create challenges for a child with impulsivity resulting in poor decision making skills, etc, it doesn’t mean that a child is destin to a life of poor choices and always being in trouble. I explain that meds cannot and will not do it all, stims are not a 24/7 med, and even when they are present in the body, they don’t make the ADHD disappear, they simply allow the child to handle much of it better b/c of reduction in the symptoms present leading the child to better be able to handle things like stress, frustration, distractors, etc. In the end, it’s up to the parent to decide if they want their child to live a life of excuses, or to have control over their life. There is a definite tread in society today to blame our situations on something else, whether it be ADHD, poverty, unattentive parents, peer pressure, and the list goes on. We have two choices in this world, to lie down and let life happen to us (the easy way?) or to take responsibilty and do the best we can. I think people fear failure, so it does become easier in someways to give up any ownership of the problems that are facing to a faceless illness. But in the long run, they are creating a much harder life. Sorry this sounds so preachy, you may be able to tell that I have a real problem with people not taking personal responsibility.
Re: Kids blaming ADHD for poor behavior
Steve, over the years I have encountered quite a few parents who have used ADD as an excuse for their children’s poor behavior. It has been my experience that it is the parents lack of discipline and teaching manners that is the real problem.
I used to have a foster child who was ADHD and we did have to make lists and post them of what was unacceptable behavior. He did fine with the rules.
I think parents making excuses for bad behavior for any reason is a mistake.
Probably trying to talk to the mom making the excuses would only make her mad.
Thanks!
I appreciate the perspectives. What you have said is consistent with my instincts. I feel pretty uncomfortable bringing this up with the other mom, so I have focused on trying to help my son’s friend decide how he can handle it. I do feel badly for both of them, though, because the amount of chaos and conflict in the home is really high. He has said he wished we were his parents before. I think he told his mother that, too, so it makes it even harder to approach. It is hard to watch, but I’m not sure how much more I can do. Thanks for your support!
–- Steve
Re: Kids blaming ADHD for poor behavior
Steve
I think that trying to help the child directly is great. My husband came from a home where both parents were not available, for different reasons. He was pretty lost, a friends dad kind of took my husband under his wing and got him involved in sports, made him feel as though he could do something good. He also had a relative that encouraged him academically, he most likely would have never gone to college if it wasn’t for this relatives simple expectation that he do so, and my husband is a smart guy, he was in the top 10% of his high school graduating class, with no ambition for a while. Maybe you can see my point, adults that take an active interest in a child can and do have a tremendous impact on that child’s life.
Re: Kids blaming ADHD for poor behavior
Steve, or should I say BALL the next thing you will be saying is that parents are blaming ADHD and lack of that wonder drug Ritalin for bad behavior.
hehehehehehe
Re: Kids blaming ADHD for poor behavior
Steve,
I personally think kids like to not to take responsibility for their actions. My children would do the same, if given the opportunity to blame someone or something else.
I would simply tell the child that these are the rules and you don’t follow them, you can not stay at my house. It really doesn’t matter why he isn’t following the rules and I would not engage in a discussion about that. We have a neighbor child who I sent home a number of times before he started following my house rules.
I also would not involve the parents. Our neighbors on the other side did and the two families never spoke again. You really are critisizing their parenting style and people don’t take that well, especially when you are right. My approach has been to set my rules and expect them to be followed. This other family did not do that and they began to feel used and abused, which led to them talking to his parents. In contrast, I even set up punishments without invovling the parents. For example, we have a house rule of not coming over between 6 and 7 at night (he used to ring our doorbell every five minutes during dinner) and if he breaks it he is not allowed to play with our children after dinner.
We have lived next door to this family for four years now. I decided when we moved here that I could not put up with the child’s behavior and yet I could not keep him totally away from my house since he lived next door.
My approach has worked well and the families are friendly, although we are not friends (we are from different planets on parenting style).
Beth
Thanks!
Wise advice! Thanks so much. This was my basic instinct, but I wasn’t feeling sure about it. I appreciate all the support!
–- Steve
Handing out advice to parents
I’m impressed with your courage. These days, people fly into rages at red lights - what can happen if neighbors question other neighbors’ parenting?
Is this a very close friend? Are you the grandparent? Not even in those circumstances would I have your courage as your neighbor might call it audacity.
Good luck.
Steve, I see this pretty often with the kids I work with as an elementary counselor— and yes, I do think it is a problem when they think that way. I tell them basically what you did, that the meds. help but they are still in control. I help them to remember times when they really had to try hard to stay in control but did manage to do it, and try to apply the same strategies in the future. It’s no surprise to me that kids think this way when parents reinforce it (and unfortunately some teachers, too, who cannot control their impulse to ask “did you take your pill today?”) I have had parents who say another child “made” their kid do something that he got in trouble for! (oh, really? Did he grab your child’s hand and force him to hit someone?) OTOH, as a parent I probably wouldn’t say much to the parent b/c s/he is likely to take it as a criticism of parenting—at least get to know him/her better first.