Friendship problem, new friend not being nice

Personally I’d privately inform the teacher of what is going on so she can be in tune to it. Teasing can cross the line to bullying pretty fast, and I’d want that stpped in it’s tracks. That’s really too bad the friendship was damaged.

Janis

Just a thought to consider and it may not be the right answer for you but…

by 4th grade your son needs to be learning how to deal with people on his own. As long as there is no physical abuse and the verbal “abuse” is not severe, this is his problem.

(also assuming that your son has social skills equal to any other 4th grader)

What I WOULD do:

1) take the attitude with your son that this is a Wonderful Opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people. Explain that he will often encounter difficult people as he grows up and it is good practice to learn how to deal with them when the situation is as simple as a class friend (it’s a lot more complicated when the “jerk” is your boss!) You could share a story with your son about someone who treated you badly and how you handled it.

2) empathise with him with statements like, “it’s not nice when people don’t treat each other kindly. If ______ treated me that way I’d feel _____. How do you feel when _____ is mean to you?”

3) assume in your words and attitude that he is capable of dealing with this problem.

4) make sure your ds knows that you are available to act as a consultant (suggesting possible ways to handle the situation) if he wants your advise.

Your attitude should be that: 1) DS has a problem, 2) You care very much about DS’s feelings, and 3) You feel quite confident in his ability to make the right choices to handle the problem.

It’s gut wrenching to watch our kids suffer life’s learning lessons but it’s better to allow them to develop their own life skills when the stakes are low than to swoop in, handle the problem for them, then when they are older send them out into the world with no coping skills of their own.

Again, just my thoughts and understand that there may be side issues I am not aware of!

A GREAT Parenting book I recommend is, “Parenting with Love and Logic”
www.loveandlogic.com

Hope this was helpful!

I used to subscribe to a “hands off” policy until I was finally able to closely observe some of the interactions among children. Elementary school children are not equipped to deal with abusive situations. I like Janis’ idea of informing the teacher, and I would advise both parents to keep an eye on the situation and intervene.

It seems to me that the abusing friend needs to learn how to not be abusive. This typically requires adult guidance and — if it is persistent or worsens — adult intervention.

Nancy

Is this a “school” or neighborhood friend? If a school(is it a residential school?) friend and problem in the class and lunch, yes, I’d mention it to the teacher and school counselor/psychologist…even our little public school has “lunch bunch” groups for teaching social/friendship skills to those who need it..perhaps there’s something similar at your son’s school; if it’s a neighborhood friend, I would just not invite the child back and choose another friend…you can’t reform every kid you meet. At age 10(my younger son’s age) you can’t choose their friends, just provide opportunities to meet a range of kids, and hope for the best.

Its a new friend at a new school. They aren’t in class together, but are in a lunch group informally and in the same formal “lunch buddy” lunch group that is facilitated by the school psychologist.

I think I will give her a call. But I also agree that at this age I can’t fix this problem for my son, as much as I’d like to. He needs to learn to be a little more flexible socially I think - sometimes friendships hit bumpy periods and you have to take a step back. Its not always an all or nothing thing, and I don’t think this friendship is necessarily over. Its too soon to tell. We don’t know this other child that well.

I like the idea of empowering him to handle it, but giving the school a call too.

Interestingly , there is a bona fide bully in my son’s classroom . He started in with DS early on. DS had not desire to be friends, but this kid in his place and that was the end of it. What makes this hurtful is that DS thought this child was going to be a new “best friend” .

THanks all!

You might also pursue friends outside of the special school; it’s my feeling that special schools may have kids with social/interactional issues along with learning disabilities and your child might benefit from a neighborhood “gang”…both of my boys(10 and 12) are into “hanging” with groups of same age boys, where roles(leader/follower) change depending upon the activity. 4th-5th grade is the age where they initiate the activity and contact with friends(calling/instant messaging, etc.) in our suburban setting.

It sort of sounds like the “friend” is learning and testing out new behaviors — and needs to learn that they may bring short-term feelings of power but that friendships are worth suppressing that urge. Whether he’ll learn it from your son learnign to respond (hopefully in a “cool-sounding” way, more like saying YOu know, I don’t really need that crap today” than “Your behavior is not conducive to developing a friendship” :)) or whether an adult needs to step in and help, both kiddos could probably use a hand.

I agree with Sue and Nancy„and another poster that took the “hands off” approach and observe first.
I mean, I agree…….Even though our children have LD’s..they have to learn to “Deal With people”. A parent always intervening isn’t teaching nothing.
If the problem is totally “one sided” and Abusive„Yes„„I would intervene!!! But if it’s a “childs ” dispute…I leave it be for now and observe.
I can relate to your post. As our daughter had a friend that can “nasty” at times…now that was on report of my daughter.
After “observations”..I saw it was comming from both directions and our daughter was “dishing” as good as she was “getting”….so I figured…she has to learn how to deal with others..so I continue, presently, to monitor things between these 2 girls..but I stay behind the scenes. As our daughter comes to us for “advice” or “complaints”„We give advice or ask the question…”how would you feel if????”
I also understand your feeling or need to protect your baby..as I am the same way…but hey….unless this relationship is clearly very distructive..let your child learn from this relationship..chalk it up as a “learning experience”..but I would also inform the teacher of what is going on so she can keep a eye on things as well.
In our situation, even though the girls are still good friends, they attend different schools now and our daughter is “reliefed” in a sense.
They have a pretty good relationship outside of school..but when they were in t he same class in the same school„it was really BAD!
Good Luck,
Binky

Hi Karen,
I can understand your frustration. This situation sounds kind of similar to the one we had with our son this year. He had been sitting in class next to one boy who began saying very mean things to him and then a second boy (one who had been a good friend last year and who he was really excited to be sitting near) started joining in with the other boy saying mean things. My son was very hurt and upset. Also, he didn’t have the verbal skills to deal with this.

After posting about this situation people here recommended I tell the teacher. Well, I did and he was wonderful about it. He moved my son, recommended him for a “social skills” workshop being run by a young psychology intern (my son finds this group workshop REALLY weird!). And we’ve had lots of conversations about teasing, friendship, reasons kids are mean, and ways to deal with mean people. Since then my son has found a nice group of friends at school. And he seems to be a little happier (socially) at school. Although academics are a whole different subject!

In addition to my son’s teacher, I told the school psychologist too. I think in the long run this has been a useful learning situation although it is a painful one. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Laura, I remember your post and I’m glad things have worked out so well. How did your son find his nice group of friends? Did you facilitate or did he find them himself? This is the piece my son lacks - the group dynamic / group entering piece.

When he was in 1st grade there was an observable gap between his playdate skills and those of his peers. A social skills group really helped. Now I watch him and honestly I don’t think he is impaired when one on one or with trusted friends. Its the group thing that continues to be a problem - I guess for a 4th grader its appropriate that this would be the next challenge. But much harder for me to help with.

My son is pretty good at picking out the nice kids as friends. There was one boy who was extremely cool, top athlete etc. My son became friends with him because we were friends with his parents and would drive him to lacrosse. The mother told me that her son considered my son his best friend.
I noticed that although he was an overall nice kid he could be mean especially to younger kids and my son confided that he was pretty mean to other kids. My son never said that he didn’t want to hang out with him but he never said he did. I let the relationship fall by the wasteside and just encouraged other friendships with the kids I consider nice.

I only encourage him to invite over the friends he and I consider nice. He has good taste in friends but I realized that if I encouraged the other friendship he would just have gone along with it because he is easy going that way.

Ask him about nice kids in class. Discuss why he likes them, and what traits he thinks are important in a friend. Invite those kids over to support him in choosing people who are good for him.

I think it is important kids learn to choose the right people. We really won’t have any control over this when they are older. Good choices start early so help him to make the right choice in friends.

I’ve been doing what you are doing too, Linda.

As of now„,my daughter has ONE friend she plays with outside of school…the little girl I spoke of in the last reply.

She is a nice girl, but I feel she manipulates my daughter at times. I mean, my daughter is afraid to have other friends because this particular girl will become angry/jealous. But yet, when they were attending the same school, this particular girl had numerous other friends and sometimes as a “group” they would exclude our daughter….So when it comes to her 1, current friend. Our daughter watchers her P & Qs in fear of making her one and only friend mad!!!

I see this as SOOOOO unhealthy!!! I’m currently setting up “contact” arrangements with our duaghters 4th grade teacher w/ some other friends parents, of hers in her new school..so she can have other children over.
I’m just waiting to see if this creates any anxiety for our daughter…I mean the fear of her 1 and only friend finding out.
I’m just hoping I’m doing the right thing!!!

As far as Play disputes…I leave that to the girls….
But I guess I am stepping in to assist in our daughter in creating healthier friendships.

Binky.

Well…..I have to say my son’s friendships have been a real combination of me, other adults and then also my son. But I have to say a lot of it was fascilitated by me and the other adults. The “little group” he found happened when his seat was moved. The teacher put him next to two other boys who he believed would be good desk partners for my son. Eventually these two boys and a few others started playing together at recess and lunch. So that was part teacher and part luck!

While he’s at school for recess and lunch, he does have to make an effort to develop friendships, but other than that I’m pretty involved in helping him with this. I “network” with the other parents and coach my son with calling on the phone, inviting people over, memorizing names, saying hello to other kids, etc…. He does reach out to others and enjoys interacting with them. But with his immaturity, quietness and slightly quirky way of looking at things, he still needs some adult direction. What I have noticed though, is the more he interacts and matures the better his social skills become. And yet, it’s not an easy road! There has been, and most likely will continue to be, plenty of bumps along the way.

We had the problem friend over for a sleep over so I got a chance to really observe them together. They had a great time and the other boy definitely has real affection for my son. I think the problem is a combination of 2 things: this other child is a bit impulsive (dare I say wild) andn probably talks without thinking , and then my son doesn’t navigate a group situation very well. He does great one on one but I bet when they are together at school this other kid wants to branch out, and maybe finds my son a drag. So I think I have to make sure DS has other friends at school to fall back on, because I bet there will be other bumps in the road. But my son was so happy during their sleepover.

Thanks to all of you for providing counsel and support - it really helps having you all to bounce stuff off of.

I think one thing that’s helpful too is making sure your son realizes it’s not him, but it’s this boy’s behavior and he would most likely act this same way with any other kid.

Encouraging more friendships sounds like a wise direction!

Something must have happened even though we may never know what for sure. Perhaps the other child has made a new friend or perhaps there was some disagreement or misunderstanding on the other child’s part. I certainly wouldn’t want my child playing with any child, former friend or not, who is abusive.

If you want to try to restore the friendship, call the other mother and ask if there’s anything that happened. Tell her your son is still very interested in his friend but you can see that her son isn’t being friendly anymore. If she wants to help get to the bottom of things, she can. If she doesn’t, call it a day and invite other children in the class over for playdates to help your son build other friendships.

Good luck.