I am the mother of an almost 15 year old learning disabled son. Needless to say, school has been a nightmare for us since 2nd grade and it seems that it’s getting worse.
My son is in Special Education classes for Language Arts and Math, but he is in regular classes for Social Studies and Science.
Lately his attitude toward homework is worse than it’s ever been. The teachers and I are trying so very hard to work with him, but he pretty much made up his mind that he doesn’t have to do it until he wants to do it…which never happens. Then, when he gets either a progress report or report card and the grade is not good, it’s someone else’s fault that he isn’t doing well.
I have been trying to instill responsibility in him since he was a toddler, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
He is often forgetful and when we (myself, my husband or his teachers) try to give him visual aids or charts to follow, he immediately gets defensive and says that he doesn’t need them and that he will remember. But he never remembers. And when we insist on him using the charts, he just doesn’t.
I am at the point where I just don’t know what else to try. Is there any advice for someone like me?
As a mother it’s hard to let your child fall on his/her face when it comes to passing or failing a class. I’m just sad that when he does fall on his face he doesn’t learn the lesson. :(
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ARe you in a state that has mandated standarized tests to pass in high school to get a diploma? In my state the less-motivated kids get “religion” in 9th and 10th grades and get put in tutoring to pass these tests or they don’t get a hs diploma. Is he on track to graduate with his peers? Maybe this is a time for reassessment of his skills and some vocational counseling.
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Have you tried private reading therapy? If he has only had school services, then it is quite likely that he has not had any remediation. I honestly would give up, too. Take him for a private evaluation somewhere like Lindamood Bell and get him some help quickly.
Janis
Re: New here-Looking for advice
Has your boy ever been evaluated for ADHD? The forgetfulness could be a reflection of that. Also, consider whether he is showing signs of depression that are contributing to his difficulties. From your son’s perspective, school must be a horribly difficult and unrewarding place. It can be hard to keep trying when things just don’t seem to be working for you. No wonder he feels like giving up. What is he really, really good at. Whatever it is, focus on that rather than all of the things that need fixing. And think about getting him checked for ADHD and depression. Even if he doesn’t have either, some counseling might help him through what sounds like a dark time.
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Hi,
I like Janis’s recommendation of Lindamood-Bell. I just spend 5 months taking my son there and was extremely impressed. Besides seeing younger children at the clinic, there were a couple of teens and even one adult going through the program while my son was there. Their program doesn’t just teach reading, comprehension and math, but it offers a cognitive approach that helps with visualization and memory. Also, it’s intensive (4 or more hours a day) so there’s a chance for someone like a teen to make a large amount of progress in a short amount of time. Which can be quite encouraging to someone who feels like a failure.
If you are interested in learning more about Lindamood-Bell you can find their website here on LDonline. I do have to warn you, it’s an expensive program! But they do have an great reputation, and are very professional. Also, the kids and teens who go there seem to like it. The clincians (that’s who they work with) are very warm and encouraging.
One more thing, one of the teens at the clinic was getting the whole thing paid for by their school district! I don’t think that’s easy. But gosh, how nice!!!
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I am a big fan of an article I read called Lifestyle Management. Basically, it states that our children’s lifestyle should be tied to their workstyle. I have shown my 16 year old son and my many 8th grade special ed students that many things in their present and future depend on good work habits. We look at job applications that ask for high school grade point average and references for work skills. My son is rewarded for his work by having the leisure activities he likes. If my husband and I are able to buy somnething or go some place it is because we work. So, I recommend a family meeting to encourage and help your son get his homework done. He needs to work where you can supervise/evaluate him just as an employer would supervise a new or poorly performing employee. Try to be matter of fact and not get into a power struggle. If an hour of good effort on homework = TV or video game time, then if he doesn’t work well on his homework he did not earn his privileges. Sorry, try again tomorrow. A good week equals a good week end. You need to get him to buy into trying a new plan. A new semester is starting soon and he is old enough to participate in coming up with a plan to help him do his job. Of course, as others have stated, be aware of his learning needs and make sure he is able to do his homework. If it is too much or too hard, think of accomodations, modifications and remediation to help him.
responsibility vs. compliance
As a teacher myself, I’ve never understood it when schools say homework is a student’s responsibility and that completing it is responsible behavior. These days there’s often more homework assigned than can be completed in a reasonable amount of time and too much of the homework is simply busy work.
When we choose to take on tasks and do them well, that’s responsible. When we are assigned tasks by others and complete them, that’s compliance. Your son may or may not be responsibile but he’s certainly not compliant. And when he’s not compliant, they fail him.
But of what real consequence is that? Like homework, failing a student is a contrived thing. His life goes on, no one has been physically hurt, the stock market doesn’t crash and the world’s still turning on its axis.
Your son may see all this in a different light than do you and his teachers. I’ve had students like your son who see past the smoke and mirrors of what we do in schools.
Whath does he like to do? What are his interests? I’d pursue responsibility through his interests. We can be very responsible when we’re invested in the task. Household chores and school don’t bring out responsibility in every person. What does he care about?
If having him express responsibility is a high priority, I’d try to do that through his real interests. If getting his homework done is one, I’d sit down with him every night or get someone else to, one on one sitting at his reluctant elbow and help with the homework.
Good luck.
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As a mom of two teens WITHOUT LD, I agree with Angela!
If I had a dollar for every parent I know going through this…..
It certainly may be interlinked with his learning issues but theres a VERY good chance it is simply his age
I would pick one or two subjects and set up a reward/punishment system that fits your lifestyle.
Does he want a cell phone? Well, just as owning a Mercedes comes with a certain level of job in the real world, owning a cell phone comes with a C+ in your job as a student. No c+, no cell.
I would try reward first and then move on to punishment if necessary
The trick is finding what Dr Phil calls “currency”. For my 16 yr old it is the car keys-we even mention the thought of taking those and we have one compliant kiddo.
The 18 year old? He never had easy currency. Even though he loved his computer, we could take it away and hed find something else. It has been harder with him
Also, I am a big fan of after school jobs. ds2 worked as a lifeguard at 15 last summer and the park district will hire 14s as cashiers.
Kids with an after school job under 18hours/ week(?that exact #) had better grades than those without jobs. It is only those kids who work lengthy hours who suffer a decrease in their school performance.
Something to think about……
Huge immersion into responsibility and …cash ;)
I would focus hard on finding something in life, whether school or not, that he is successful at or can be learning more about.
He has probably been learning, all too well, that failing isn’t the end of the world, it just sort of happens, whatever. It’s really tough to teach responsibility if success isn’t entwined with it. Would it be possible to pick just one subject to hone in on and try “your way” with checklists and what have you… or to bring in somebody else as a mentor so it isn’t The Parents Nagging all the time? Is he totally unmotivated or will he do things last minute?