3 year old son

I think 3 is very young to jump to any conclusions. I always tell my friends that they should n’t deny what a teacher is telling them b/c a teacher looks at 20 kids all day and can recognize when something is amiss. however a teacher is not qualifed to diagnose what the root cause is.

If I were you I’d start with a child psychologist, and/or a conversation with my pediatrician.

Jtosi, I’d see if I could observe the child in preschool. Preschool teachers are not always that great depending on what the education and salary rates are in your State. There might be a problem with the school situation that you should know about. Terry

P.S. If the teacher doesn’t want to allow you to observe then yank your kids ASAP.

Thank you Karen & Terry. You have both been helpful. Unfortunately no psychiatrists here, and family doctor thinks he’s fine.

Terry, not to worry, the school is great and I am very involved. My concern is not intervening at this early stage if there is more I can do.

jtosi, do you observe that your child is different then the other kids in class? More aggressive? Does the family doctor see your child enough to pass judgement? You may need to travel to see the correct professional.

Terry, answers> no more aggressive than the other boys (and a few girls!), yes, the doctor sees him quite often in this small community, although he admits to not being any sort of specialist, and yes, I will have to travel very far to see any specialists. We live in the Caribbean, and do not have insurance which means outrageously expensive airline fares for both of us, and cash payment at the time of service in order to even be seen. Money aside, it is the fact that I am questioning the need for an outside evaluation. Will someone see us and assess my son in one visit or will it be a wasted trip? I am so torn because I want to be the best parent I can and if that means taking him up to the States to be seen by a specialist, then by all means I will. I just feel like I am looking for more validation prior to going, someone who has been in the same situation with a child as young. At what age do children typically get diagnosed? I could not seem to find any information on this. Can you point me in the right direction with websites or any publications? Thank you so much!

jtosi, try addwarehouse.com for books. They have a large selection and from credible sources.

If your child has ADHD (and only a medical specialist can diagnose that), he needs an environment, both at home and in school that focuses on immediate positives not negativity. If your son was dx’d ADHD, many docs prefer behavior mods for the very young kids anyway. Anyway, I’m not all that articulate this morning, maybe someone else can elaborate. ADHD’ers need hyper-parenting so I would be trying to learn as much as I could about it.

There is one book I highly recommend as a must-have in addition to any ADHD books you find - ‘123 Magic’.

My child was dx’d at 6 when she started school b/c that’s where her ADHD affects her most.

Good luck.

I like the idea of looking into some books. I think many would agree that you don’t need an ADHD diagnosis to do behavior modification. Read a couple books and try some different things. It seems like you are taking this all in stride. Good Luck!

‘How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) by I THINK Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish…sorry if I haven’t got the names exactly correct, I haven’t read or recommended this one for a couple of years — but it’s great! I own two copies, one to keep and one to lend!

For my oh-so-sensitive but VERY stubborn and self-directed child, this combination was unbeatable. Have NEVER had to get past ‘2’ (in 1, 2,3,) since age about 4 years…hope he doesn’t realize (age 10 and 90lbs now) that I can’t throw him over my shoulder and take him to his room any more! But I’m not too worried…he trusts me and I respect him, which is something essential when heading for the teenage years! ‘How to Talk’ is perfect for very bright children, who are often ahead of themselves intellectually but often behind emotionally — we all respond to care and respect, but need firm guidelines and appropriate consequences if we are to learn how to behave in society.

I agree that it is time to watch the situation carefully, and read, read, read on this subject — but given your restrictions, and the situation (problems at SCHOOL only) I think going to the states is a bit premature at age 3. It is not enough to say ‘don’t worry and ignore teacher as he is fine in home situations’, since sometimes it is the school situation that provides enough stress to make self-management of behaviour impossible — but you CAN teach him! Biting and agression during conflict IS NOT abnormal at 3 — but now is the time to teach clearly that it is unacceptable.

Is it possible that the teacher has said this to you out of frustration at a situation in her class that she feels she may be blamed for (and possibly, she needs teaching also, and techniques in these two books may help her) but cannot control? She’s human too, and a crowd of three-year olds biting and fighting is NOT easy to manage — they don’t always teach you what you need to know in teacher’s college! You must put weight on her words, but cautiously.

Best of luck — I’ll look forward to hearing how you progress!

The suggestion to observe your child at school is a good one. That way you can see what provokes the troubling behavior his teachers report. Have you noticed any problems along the lines of language acquisition or fine motor skills? Three year olds generally are one giant impulse, but, even so, he has to be reacting to something when he fights with other children. I’m wondering if he is responding that way because he is frustrated by something at school. I know my child, who was dx with LD at age 6 and inattentive ADHD at age 8, showed signs of both at preschool that no one recognized. For example, he absolutely would not pick up a crayon, paint brush or pencil. He wanted nothing to do with art projects of any kind. He loved blocks, the water, rice and sand tables but could not sit and listen to a story or participate in circle time without getting up and wandering around. If he was urged to do the things he didn’t like, he would become angry and upset. Once he hit his teacher, even though he was and is an extraordinarily gentle boy. At the time, we just thought he was stubborn. Later it became apparent that these were early signs of his adhd/ld. It is probably way to early for you to determine whether ADHD or LD is involved in your child’s behavior, but you should definitely keep your ear to the ground. By age 6, these diagnoses can be accurately made, so if problems continue, get him evaluated then. In the meantime, the other posters gave some good suggestions with respect to behavior mod. Good luck!

I wouldn’t get a workup yet either but I would do my own research. The parenting tips that you get from other moms of children with ADHD are usually superior to that of “normal” kids. I have a 7 year old that is still not on meds. We have been able to handle everything without meds because she is really not terribly affected by her ADHD. Behavior modification works so far. Books are great and networking with other parents on line have helped me the most.

By the way I’m not part of the anti-med Troll group. We just have been fortunate not to need the meds yet. I wouldn’t even consider medicating a 3 yr old. I have heard of 4 yr olds being medicated but I’ve assumed that these kids were really off-the-wall.

I am concerned that nobody ever sees these incidents happen, neither the teacher nor you when you are at the school. We can assume that your child is not a precocious criminal genius — and a normal three-year-old child is just incapable of hiding his actions each and every time.

So, *why* is nobody observing the behaviour? Has the teacher set up the class with some kind of a “private” space, a playhouse or an area closed off by partitions, where this is happening? In that case, your son may be taking the teacher at her word that this is his private quiet place where he can be alone and de-stress, and if another child invades his space he may be reacting with what he sees as legitimate self-defence. The solution to this would be not to have areas of the class that are unsupervised by the teacher — a good legal protection too, since these kids are far too young to be unwatched.

Are the incidents always with the same child or with the same two or three other children? Especially if it is just one other child, there is a strong possibility that this other child is an instigator. Even toddlers can learn to be very manipulative, especially if they are in a family with undisciplined older children and this is their only way to get back. The fact that it always happens when an adult is not watching sugggests this type of thing as a possibility. The other child may be teasing yours in some way, calling names or taking toys or making faces, and again your child my see his own actions as self-defence. (He won’t use the term of course, but he will try to tell you that the other child did something to him.) In this case *both* the children need to be talked to and have clear limits drawn, and if a fight breaks out between the two again, *both* need consequences. If an instigator gets off and sees his victim punished, he is encouraged to go further the next time.

Your child is being accused of abuse. He is being threatened with very severe consequences, losing his chance at an education. And he is being convicted on hearsay evidence that wouldn’t even send a dog to the pound. Yes you should take this seriously, and it is time to throw the ball back into the school’s court.

Write some letters. It is important to keep a paper trail. Start by writing to the principal or headmaster and keeping a copy, with date. Deliver it by hand and note this on the copy, so there’s no lost in the mail excuse. If you don’t get anywhere with them, write a second letter to the school board in your area and attach one copy of your previous letter, keeping another for yourself. If that doesn’t work, go further up, the ministry of education if necessary. Keep dated copies of everything.

In your letters, point out:
You want to meet with them and work together on finding real solutions to this problem. (This is vital — no blame)
This is not a constant problem, only every two or three months, and that is a huge time in a toddler’s life, more like a year to you. But of course even if it is infrequent you want to work with them to solve it.
Since the teachers never observe the actions, the child is being convicted and punished on hearsay, and something needs to be done to get to the bottom of what is really happening — a toddlers’ class simply should not have unsupervised areas, which is very unsafe.
You want to know if it is a conflict with a specific child or concerning a specific activity/location, and if it is, what is being done to change the situation so that the negative impulse doesn’t occur?
Your child is not very verbal yet — what is being done to help him *learn* to solve problems with words rather than violence?

In this way you do not lay blame and make people angry, but you put the responsibility squarely back on the school — it is their job to keep a safe environment and to provide adequate supervision, it is their job to locate the causes of difficulties between students in class, and it is their job to *teach* improved behaviour, not just demand it out of thin air. **Of course** you want to do everything you can on your side and you want to teach your child how to behave properly, but you as a parent cannot be held responsible for other kids in the class and how they interact with yours, nor for organization of the class, nor for an appropriate developmental curriculum.