Need help with husband not wanting to have daughter tested

I’m not sure I understand your question. Do you mean that both parents have to sign in order for your daughter to be tested at school? Although school testing might be of value, ADD is considered to be a medical problem and schools cannot diagnose medical problems. You may want to post on the ADHD board here for more information.

Quite a variety of undiagnosed problems can cause symptoms of ADD. One of the most common is developmental vision delay. What I would do, in your situation, is get a developmental vision evaluation to find out if this is a problem. If it is, vision therapy is usually very effective. See http://www.childrensvision.com for more information, and http://www.covd.org to find board-certified specialists in your area.

An undiagnosed auditory processing disorder is another common underlying cause of ADD symptoms. See http://pages.cthome.net/cbristol/ for more info, and http://pages.cthome.net/cbristol/capd-rf1.html to find qualified audiologists.

Regular eye exams do not check developmental vision, and regular auditory exams do not check auditory processing. Many parents think a child’s vision and hearing are normal because they have passed regular tests with flying colors, but they can still have quite severe problems that have been undiagnosed.

It’s also a good idea to get an occupational evaluation that includes evaluation of sensory integration. This eval is usually covered by medical insurance with a physician’s referral.

If developmental vision, auditory processing and sensory integration are not major problems (or, if they are, after appropriate therapies have reduced these deficits as much as possible), a cognitive training program can dramatically improve attention skills, among others. Two common programs are Audiblox (home-based) and PACE (provider-based). Websites are http://www.audiblox2000.com and http://www.processingskills.com

It’s a good idea to rule out all of the above before considering medications for ADD.

Unfortunately, it is very common for people to call a learning disabled child “lazy”. Since your husband has reached this conclusion on his own, it is likely to be very difficult to educate him to the contrary. Also, many parents are reluctant to think that their child could have a serious problem. Your best option may be to seek out evaluations and therapies on your own.

Nancy

My advice is to IGNORE your husband. If he had your child’s best interests at heart, he would agree to an evaluation. I know this is hard, but you owe it to your child. If he prefers to think she is lazy he won’t believe the results of the testing, but at least you will know what you are dealing with. In the long run, family therapy might help, but in the short run your child may be hurt by his need to blame her for what may be things she cannot help.

Did you get a chance to read this article? It was really good. I would follow your own instincts and take care of your daughter. He is in denial and I wonder if he just as overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start. Yeah, kids with ADD can appear to be lazy but it also takes a strong parent to take a stand and get help. Hang in there and get her the help she needs now. You may tell your husband that if we don’t deal with this now it isn’t going to go away, she will just turn into an adult with the same problems.

Paying Attention To Parents Of ADHD Kids
New Study Reinforces Importance of Testing Parents of Kids Who Are Diagnosed With Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
By Matt McMillen
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, January 20, 2004; Page HE01

The parents of a child with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) should be tested for the condition themselves soon after the child’s diagnosis, the authors of a new study conclude.

The study, which was conducted by University of Maryland researchers and published in the December issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, found that parents of children who have ADHD are more than 20 times more likely to have ADHD than parents whose children do not.

And if their children also have other serious behavioral problems, the study says, the parents’ risk for other psychological disorders, such as depression, anxiety and substance abuse, is as much as five times the norm.

Why the need to quickly identify parents of recently diagnosed children?

“It’s critical to have parents performing at their best,” says Andrea Chronis, director of the ADHD program at the University of Maryland and the study’s lead author, “so that the child can perform as well as possible… . [But] if a child has ADHD and the parents do, too, you can imagine the difficulties.”

ADHD, which affects an estimated 3 to 7 percent of school-age children, often continues into adulthood. The inability to organize and to pay attention, two hallmark symptoms of the disorder, can cause parents to miss their child’s doctor’s appointments, forget to give the child medication and fail to stick with a treatment plan.

Parents with disorders such as depression and anxiety, says Chronis, tend to be withdrawn and irritable; they laugh and smile less, and engage less with their children. Such problems, she writes, “likely contribute to reciprocal patterns of negativity between parents and children.”

The study involved 98 children ages 3 to 7 who had been diagnosed with ADHD and 116 non-ADHD children of similar age. The mother of each child was interviewed to determine whether she and/or the child’s father had a history of ADHD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder. Fathers were not interviewed.

According to the study, 0.9 percent of the mothers in the control group met the criteria for having had ADHD as children. Among mothers of ADHD kids, 16.7 percent had had ADHD symptoms themselves. (The study did not assess whether they continued to meet the diagnostic criteria as adults or whether they had been diagnosed or treated for ADHD as children.)

Markedly high levels of other psychological disorders were noted among the parents whose children had ADHD, especially those whose children also had accompanying behavioral problems such as opposition defiant disorder (ODD) and conduct disorder (CD).

This finding was not surprising to several experts on ADHD.

“Disorders tend to go together in individuals and families,” says Stephen Faraone, clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of “Straight Talk About Your Child’s Mental Health” (Guilford Press, 2003). “Co-morbidity is the rule rather than the exception.”

Why? According to Faraone, part of the answer lies in the genes. ADHD, he says, is one of the most heritable disorders in psychiatry: If you have ADHD, he says, it appears there’s a 20 to 50 percent chance that you will pass it along to your child. The disorders that often travel with it — depression, anxiety, substance abuse — also have a strong genetic component.

But genes aren’t destiny: “If the parent has [a gene for] alcoholism or depression or antisocial personality, the child is at risk for those,” says Faraone, “but it doesn’t mean the child will get [that] disorder… . Genes play a substantial role, but they may need to be triggered.”
Page 2 of 2 < Back
Paying Attention To Parents Of ADHD Kids

One trigger, he says, could be exposure to a parent’s depression or alcoholism: “The additional chaos [caused by a parent’s disorder] will [increase] the chances of getting the disorder.”

Despite strong evidence that a disorder in one family member is a strong predictor of disorders in other family members, treatment traditionally focuses on the individual rather than the family as a whole.

This study is “a clear sign that a very comprehensive assessment of the family is needed,” Faraone says. “A pediatrician is a very busy guy, but it’s easy to ask some questions about [the parents’] past history of mental disorders, drinking, etc.”

A simple paper-and-pencil test filled out in the doctor’s waiting room could go a long way toward determining the parent’s need for a complete evaluation, says Russell Barkley, a professor at the Medical University of South Carolina and author of “Taking Charge of ADHD, Revised Edition” (Guilford Press, 2000).

“It’s not rocket science — any nurse or office secretary could [tally the score],” he says. Yet such assessments remain rare: “[There are] time limits due to managed care, but really it is the ignorance of clinicians that prevents them from getting this on their radar.”

James Perrin, professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, agrees.

“We don’t do that as well as we should,” says Perrin, who co-wrote the ADHD diagnosis guidelines for the American Academy of Pediatrics. When a child is being evaluated for ADHD, says Perrin, pediatricians should be asking the parents about the entire family’s history of mental disorders. Often they don’t because they don’t have the time: “This is not a simple diagnosis,” he says. “The way we pay for services, it’s hard to get reimbursement for the kind of time necessary to gather information.”

Spend enough time with the family, though, and the diagnostic information often surfaces, says John Pleasant, a licensed clinical social worker with the Family Group of Washington. “You look for it in certain ways, [asking questions like] ‘How come Billy is missing appointments and medications?’ ” Responses would likely reveal much about the parent’s problems. Pleasant says he makes time to work with the parents as well as the child to address problems that both may be having, but he admits that the time he is able to give is often not enough. “Is the child shortchanged when you address the parent? You do what you can in one hour.”

Patrick Kilcarr finds in his counseling practice that most parents are upfront about their problems if they are asked. “What happens when [your son] is just staring at his desk?” Kilcarr, who is also the director of Georgetown University’s Center for Personal Development, asks parents. “What are your responses? Anger? Frustration?”

The answers help him evaluate the parents’ need for treatment, something he says that many parents don’t expect: “The parent is really showing concern for their child, but they hadn’t planned on going into their own psyche and patterns… . [But] if we are going to repair the problem, it has to be done on all fronts.”

A parent of a child with ADHD has to be an “advocate for that child — attending and scheduling school meetings [for example],” says Kilcarr. “You need energy in reserve to organize. If you are too scattered or depressed to do that… .” Or as Pleasant puts it, “[Parents] have to be stable enough to deal with things.”

That means addressing their own problems as well as their child’s. If they don’t, Pleasant says, “their kid [will have] trouble being on board about accepting his or her own diagnosis and treatment. I see that all the time.”

In Kilcarr’s view, parents and children who address their problems simultaneously can greatly enrich their relationships: “When you have a parent going through change, it becomes a partnership,” he says. If the child is at least 11 or 12 when this occurs, he says, “it can be an amazing partnership.”

Chronis, the report’s author, is now at work on two studies of mothers with ADHD. “Do treatments [for the parents] improve functioning?” she asks. “Does it improve the ability to parent?”

One study, funded by McNeil Consumer and Specialty Pharmaceuticals, will focus on the effectiveness of the company’s stimulant medication Concerta. Eli Lilly & Co. is considering funding research by Chronis on Strattera, Lilly’s non-stimulant drug for ADHD.

Does this signal a trend away from focusing simply on the child and toward taking into account the entire family? Maybe.

Does your husband have any regard for your family doctor? Sometimes these things can be talked over as a family with the family doctor.

It’s interesting that he won’t allow the testing. If she is just lazy, as he says, then what’s the harm of the testing? It shouldn’t cost you anything and all it would show, according to his belief, is nothing.

If he truly believes that she does not have any learning differences, he shouldn’t fear the testing. My guess is that underneath it all he does worry that she has a learning difference. Try asking him - what’s the worst that could happen if she’s tested? And try telling him that everyone has a learning profile and that her teachers would be interested in knowing more about her so they can tailor their teaching to her needs.

Good luck.

[quote=”Sara”]Does your husband have any regard for your family doctor? Sometimes these things can be talked over as a family with the family doctor.

[/quote]

I am sorry to say that he doesn’t “BELIEVE” in doctors. Oh, they are okay when you are bleeding or have a bone sticking out somewhere, but other than that - NOPE!

He does like and trust our daughter’s principal, so I think that they may be my next stop.

Thanks to everyone!

There may be a chance that your husband is seeing certain traits in your daughter that he knows about himself. This could be subconscious and not malicious. It’s pretty common for parents and close relatives to have similar issues.

We learned about me and my ld’s when dealing with our son’s. Just a thought.

Sounds like your best bet is to speak privately with the Principal and see if he/she will work with you to make the suggestion to your husband as a neutral 3rd party.

Good luck, and continue to trust your instincts.

Andy

Do it without his support, I suspect he will get over it. Time is wasting.

Almost any child who has to repeat a grade should go through the school testing process as far as I am concerned. If it does turn out that she has some ADD traits, it may show up in the testing and provide the “reason” to have the medical evaluation.

I think it heartbreaking when kids are labelled lazy. There almost always is a reason. Check out Mel Levine’s book, “The Myth of Laziness”. And I agree with someone who already posted, you have no time to waste.

Janis

sounds like having to make a decision between husband and child- wow!

We have no idea what the cost to you might be but we do know the cost to your child. If you don’t get help for the child and get it soon, the odds are your child will have self-esteem issues for life, never be sucessful in school, and entering into hostile teen years carrying a large load of anger.

Consider asking the knowledgeable people here about exactly what tests to ask for. If you are going to pay a price for okaying testing-make sure you get great testing.

Good luck

Tell your husband that its time to swollow his pride, get over it, and let the
professionals test her. If your husband is “Right”, then lazy she is. If
your husband is “Wrong” then you just took a most important step to help
improve her quality of life. In either case, the testing of your daughter is the
only way to truley know.

I have had many conversations with my son’s dev. optometrist about getting my husband in there. He thinks they both have the same problem.

My husband at first denied there could be a problem. The school did convince him of a problem so I agree that is a good place to start. He eventually even agreed to vision therapy.

One point to make is that there are things that can be done.
I think he was relieved that I took up the work of helping our son because he could not have done this. He has noticed the difference and in the end we are closer because he thinks I am an awesome mom and I appreciate what he must have gone through as a child. I admire my husband all the more for beating the odds and becoming quite successful.

My husband is still very against meds. I guess we are lucky that the other things worked so we don’t need to go there.

Perhaps you should discuss all the options and find out exactly what it is that he is against and why.

As Janis stated, I too am surprised they didn’t test here before holding her back.