DS and peer problems/self-esteem. Any advice?

Also, pull your son out of the after school day care that the other boy is in and find another venue for him. This is something you can change and also see about getting him involved in a church sponsored boy scout program where your or your husband can participate in and also where he would have more positive role models and compassionate friends.

I was a den mother and cub committee chairman we had some problem kids but we were able to work things out with the help of some fantastic parents and leaders. Many of my cubs became Eagle Scouts and they are fine young men…

Thanks Patti!

He is very involved in church activities but he does not want to join the boy scouts. I think some boys at school made fun of it and now he’s too embarrassed to join. Our school promotes a “snobby” attitude in the kids. So, we will continue to work on promoting the fun and excitement of the program.

The problem child was kicked out of the aftercare program and my DS is not very happy (Oh, well). He still has to see him in class everyday. I spoke to the aftercare director and they are more than willing to work with the issue. They have a karate class and may add some other items (maybe even a boy scout unit). I am really pushing for new clubs. It’s the perfect place and the kids all live in the neighborhood.

It’s the school I wish we could pull him out of. But right now my company is downsizing and I’ve already taken a cut in pay. Not sure how we could swing the VERY expensive private schools in the area. However, I am researching alternatives.

I wish his school was more helpful. They have a negative attitude about ADD/ADHD. It doesn’t fit into their perfect little world.

Thanks again for the post, it really helps to hear from other parents.

Does your child have ADHD? Is it under control or has it begun to interfere with his ability to achieve in school? If he is experiencing school work problems, he may be looking for some way to escape. He may be trying to protect his ego by adopting an “I don’t care” attitude and hanging around with those he perceives are “bad kids.” Also, I have to say that it is astonishing how many of my child’s friends also have ADHD. He seems to like children who have the same kinds of characteristics as he has.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Problem children tend to have low self-esteems to being with - their problems in school only make it worse.
If your son has taken a hit to his self esteem, it makes to me that he seeks to align himself with others like him - with other children who have self-esteem issues.

I’d consider a different approach. Invite the problem child over (perish the thought!) Problem children can be acceptable playmates and less of a problem when in a home where there are boundaries. Take them to a movie if you’re worried - it’s hard and really impossible to break up a school friendship - doing so sometimes backfires on you.

Good luck.

I would not encourage a relationship with this other kid if he is a “bully”. If this kid uses your child to pump up his own self-worth then your son’s status will always be low. Bullies get into this technique of nice one day to keep a nice kid around and then the next day they abuse the nice kid. This is all designed to keep your kid in contact with the bully. The bully needs a victim so think carefully before befriending this child.

Thanks for all the suggestions! They really help with my decision process. I really can’t explain how much I appreciate your feedback. Your points seem so on target.

I do believe that he aligns himself with the “bad” kid due to his own feelings of being “bad”. I also think he may feel more accepted for his behavior with the bully than with some of the other kids. Though he is doing well in the gifted class, I’ve noted that he feels rushed and becomes disorganzied. I think this may very well be leading him towards an “I don’t care” attitude to cover his ADHD symptoms.

I agree with the Megan’s Mom regarding why the bully runs cold/hot. I don’t know how to get this across to my son without him realizing my intent. If he knows I’m trying to get a “lesson” across, he’ll close off.

There are several classmates with ADHD, who are wild but not bullies. I do let him hang out with them. His best friend (at home) is actually a young girl (three years older) with ADHD. They work well together as they both love computer games, frog hunting, etc. She is starting to mature and gain some control over her symptoms which I hope my son may note and follow.

No, I will not let him hang out with the “bad” kid. He nearly took out my son’s eye with one of the chairs he threw (because he “thought” my DS had pushed him - from across the room). He has some real issues that probably stem from his past and the many foster homes he lived in. My heart breaks for the child and I hope his parents can get him the help he is crying out for - they haven’t so far. But he is a safety risk.

Well, if I put all the pieces together that were stated - I think there is a solution.

I believe I will try to surround him with other ADHD, LD type children who are succeeding despite/due to their problems. If he sees other children with the same problems learning how to cope and enjoy life/school, it may open his eyes to his own situation. He seems so negative lately.

I wonder if there is a summer day camp for ADHD children in our area? That could be such a great resource.

Lost,
My daughter was bullied at the beginning of the school year and I simply told her that I value her way too much to allow her to play with the bully at school or at home. I told her that I do feel sorry for the bully (like her) but playing with the bully would only encourage the bully to be more of a bully.

Fast forward…. Now several months later, I have told the teacher to not worry about keeping the bully away from my daughter at recess because my daughter is now programed to get away when the bully starts acting mean. The problem is that several of the girls sometimes play together in a group and my daugter would have to leave the group to stay away from the bully. She would play on her own or join another group of girls. It was worth it in the beginning just to let things cool down a little. Now she can engage in any group and usually the bully doesn’t act out on her. I am still requesting that she not play alone with the bully. I still don’t trust the girl even though she has actually improved (just by having my daughter not want to play with her.)

Lost Parent, I think you are SO wise! Birds of a feather DO need to flock together…but the bad apples must be culled lest they spoil the barrel…I do feel sorry for this child also, but you can’t sacrifice your own to sentiment.

It IS good, as you have decided, to help your child find friends with similar personalities, play styles, and interests! And as you have found with the older neighbourhood friend, they WILL help each other also! I am constantly on the outlook for ‘compatible kids’ and if my son shows an interest, I definitely encourage him to invite them over, etc.

As Terry B illustrated (Terry, you Rock, Mamma!) your son can LEARN from learning to deal with/avoid this child…it is hard that this child cannot be included, but I have seen a neighbourhood friend learn this lesson the hard way — ended up she had to change school pickup locations (several exits from our school ground) and request a different class to avoid a child that she COULD NOT ‘save’. Her son was adversely affected by this child’s attitude and behaviour, IMO —unfortunately, many of the ‘bad boys’ are ‘KEWL’, and you won’t improve them — but will bring down your own if you encourage the association!

My biggest advice is TALK to your kid…it is hard, especially if you get attitude, but he needs to know WHY you make certain choices, especially in this situation. Have you read ‘How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk!) by Elaine Mazlish and ….I THINK Adele Farber? This book is invaluable for learning to parent (at the highest level — PHD in parenting here!) touchy, sensitive, intelligent kids…sounds like you have one of those, for sure…but you are on the right track and you WILL get over this bumpy spot…

It certainly is wise to teach him not to associate with people who don’t value him, such as the child who bullies him, but don’t forget to address whatever it is in himself that is making him think that this is the only kind of friend he deserves. Your child is gravitating toward a troublemaker. He has begun to be very negative. Something is going on with him, and even if you separate him from the other child, you still need to deal with what is causing the change in him. Perhaps he needs different accomodations. Perhaps, if he takes medicine, it needs adjusting. Perhaps whatever remediation he is getting is not working as expected. Maybe he is depressed (not at all uncommon in kids with ADHD). It is great to expose him to kids with LD and ADHD who are happy and successful, but it is even better to give him the help and support, at home and at school, that allows him to be one of those happy successful children. It sure sounds like the home support is there, but I wonder if the school support is failing.

Elizabeth, thanks for the Rock analogy. I didn’t feel much like a rock at the time and I researched it doggedly. Like Lost, I felt really discouraged but the knowledge that I found on line really helped. I think that my daughter values herself more now that I made it clear that she is worth too much to us for us to allow her to be abused by anyone.

As Guest pointed out, a child needs self-respect to do well socially. I also think that self-confidence helps a child do better in the areas that she is most challenged in. I always try to cultivate my child’s strengths so that she has more self-confidence. The summer months are a great time to enhance the strengths. My daughter is pretty good at art, for example, so she will be taking acting, crafts, piano and, hopefully, drawing this summer. We’ve been sprinkling in Art enrichment all along during the school year as well. She knows that she is awesome in art and really enjoys the enrichment classes. We don’t pursue extra-curricular activities that are not enjoyable (she has enough responsibility at school.) I am really against the idea that a young child has to finish every activity that she pursues. Young children have no idea what sort of activities they will enjoy so we take the attitude that she should try many different things and stick with the things that she likes. This takes the pressure off her. I know that this isn’t a popular idea, but, after seeing her crying 4 days in a row at soccor camp last year we had to admit that she doesn’t do we in team sports that require a lot of patience. When she is older and knows herself better than we will expect her to stick to activities that she commits to. Right now the experimenting is good and we are building her self-confidence.

Terry

and I just LOVED the statement: ‘I value you too much to allow this child to hurt you’. I think that is the best thing of all — when you can get into one short (ADHD FRIENDLY!) statement WHY you must do something that your child does not (initially) agree with.

I totally agree with your philosophy on ‘non compulsory’ activities for kids, but I think I have a slightly different take on it and I wonder if you (or others agree): I have tried things and HATED them — my rule is always to say: IS it compulsory? IE right now I am, on top of my usual load of Cubs and Group committee activities, on a committee that is organizing and putting on a charity walkathon. I WISH I had said NO….but I said I’d help, so kill me or not, I will do my share and see it through, BUT for next year I am prepared to be a ‘helper’ ONLY now that I know this is overload for me.

But if I had taken on an interest course at night school requiring the same time outlay - I’d QUIT in a minute…since the committment was only to myself, I’d judge whether it was worth the stress, and choose accordingly. I don’t feel there is some value in completing an activity ONLY because I started it — things often change, and life is TOO SHORT to waste time.

I will teach my son the same — if the committment/withdrawal ONLY hurts me, it is my choice…if it is something I have committed to where others will be hurt by my withdrawal — like a group of fellow committee members who made choices based on MY participation — THEN is time to ‘buck up, suck up’ and SEE IT THROUGH…even in team sports, a lousy, unhappy player does NOT hurt the team by happily withdrawing, and probably doesn’t hurt herself either — some of us are NOT made for team sports, especially those requiring patience! (oh those horrible baseball games when my lovely summer daydream would be interrupted by the shame of missing an outfield pop fly…!)

Hope this is not a thread hijack, Lost Parent, sorry to be wandering, but I don’t think we are too off topic…hope you will let us know how things go!

Elizabeth, I agree with you. When other people are depending on you then it adds a level of responsibility to the equation. We also try to decide if an activity is something that is a “must do” or not. Swimming lessons we put off for awhile but we knew that it was a “must do” acitivity so we went back after a year’s break.

Lost, how are things going now?

Terry

If I read your message correctly, you asked if there was anything in TX like a camp. There is a “camp” in Austin for those beginning 4th, 5th & 6th run by Dr. James Ochoa. www.jamesochoa.com He specializes in ADHD and has the All Kinds of Minds Training. I have the camp info and they spend a lot of time learning about their strengths. I’m planning to send my son next year. I found out about the Brain Train software from him. One of the main ingredients of building self esteem is finding at least one thing you are really good at and this is emphasized also. Best of luck.

Terry, I loved this too: : “I value you too much to allow this child to hurt you”.

I have you the same statement with both my daughters recently. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

LOL, I meant “used” not “you” up there. And me an English major…

Thanks guys.

I look at this question that I wrote just a few weeks ago and then at my newest posting (about the oral presentation issue). I guess I’ve found a large source of the problem.

Caran (Love that spelling) - thanks for the camp info. I’m going to keep it in mind for next year. Sounds interesting….

Wish me well in my meeting with the Superintendent and Principal. I’m also having my DS tested tomorrow by an independent learning center to determine where he may have some problems.

Other than copies of his tests, work, etc. from his old school vs. this school, WHAT ELSE SHOULD I BRING TO THE MEETING?
(I did print off some of their own ISD’s website info regarding their “mission” so I could discuss where its gone off the tracks.)