all my fault?

First, of all, blaming is not going to get you or your husband anywhere. Most experts have said that part of my son’s complicated set of LDs are due to low grade undiagnosed ear infections which wrecked havoc with his development. He received regular medical care and they were not detected. We thought he was just a very difficult and cranky child—and placed him more than we should in front of the tv for some peace. Exactly, the wrong thing to do.

I really have spent little time beating myself up about it. It does no good. We (or you) would have never done anything to harm our children. We only want to help. We don’t always know what we should, we don’t always do what in hindsight we ought to have done, but that doesn’t mean we’re at fault. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and kids with special needs require more than average parenting skills. We can only learn them on the job.

I took a wait and see attitude with my son as a preschooler. I was not a hyper mom. Most of the time, that would have been the right approach. It was not with my son. He was in speech therapy by four but he really needed earlier and more intense intervention. Was I at fault? No, the decisions would have been reasonable ones for the vast majority of kids. I didn’t know yet that I had a kid who would be the exception to every rule.

Second, repeating first grade can be a blessing if you can get a handle on what is ailing your son. If you can afford it, or insurance will cover it, I would have him evaluated privately. School is over or about or and you want to know now—not next December. Once you have more information, you can figure out an attack plan. You can’t just do the same thing twice—if he is LD or ADD that won’t work. Don’t count on maturity.

Also, look on parenting bb board. There is a post by me and another by Shel, which may give you hope and perspective.

Beth

Hi, T’s Mom,

I’m afraid my experience is a bit less mature than Beth’s. I blamed myself over and over and over again. Was it the forced bed rest during pregnancy, the attention diverted to his older sibling, that I wasn’t forceful enough at the pediatrician so the ear infections weren’t diagnosed and treated correctly…I mean I could go on and on! Finally, and it took a while, I came to the same place as Beth. I did my best and, ordinarily, it would have been enough. It just wasn’t enough for this child.

From the other side, I can say these experiences actually help me now. I can stand up for my son at school, the doctors, or in society becasue I’ve learned the doing the ordinary, no matter who suggests it, isn’t enough. We’ll do what we need to, starting today to set things right!

Your child is young. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED HIM. Look at all you do for him! You will be guiding him through school and on his path for many, many years. You will succeed and so will your son.

I still cry once in a while. Life isn’t fair. But I can not let my feelings stand in the way of taking care of what needs to be done. Sounds like you already know that!

Good luck on your journey.

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Are you saying that your husband blames you, or himself? Feeling guilty is one of the stages of grieving and in a way, finding out that your child has special needs involves grieving over the loss of the “normal” child you dreamed of. If you are like most American women, you’ve been imagining the children you would someday have since you were a little girl. It’s not easy to give up that idealistic picture in your mind, and it takes time. You will find a lot of support here, we’ve all been where you are on our journeys to help our kids get what they need. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual—if they did, some of ours would probably be written in arabic or chinese.

I think most of us here have felt the same way as you feel. Being a mom is the most important thing we do in our lives, and difficult many times.

Guilt is a useless emotion. It just is!

My son’s problems are very much genetic. I am sure that I could have done things differently but spending time thinking about that will get me no where.

I just do all I can now.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
©©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help
people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would
feel. It’s like this……
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a
bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David.
The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.
Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in
Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of
pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And
you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been
there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that
Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about
what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s
where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a
very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free
to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

Guilt, Guilt…why do we feel guilty, even over the genes we have, through no fault of our own, passed on? But we DO! Yet we must leave that behind.

Part of the problem is that you have not found your positive path of action yet. You are just confronting all this terrifying ‘unknown’ stuff, with no easy answers. Obviously it has been a hard school year, and since the meds did not do the whole job, you must keep up the detective work. You won’t be able to do that unless you can stop being so mean to yourself, so try to consciously push the guilt away. Stop by the bb and moan, and we’ll all give you a reality check, whenever you need it.

It sounds like your guy is just as unique as most — you need to be prepared to investigate what is wrong, and apply solutions. Some won’t work, and you’ll have to be ready to make quick changes based on results without kicking yourself for wrong decisions. Cry when you need to, but then get up and get researching. Go to Parenting LD bb and moan as much as you need to — it really helps, especially at 2am when one can’t sleep. And reading the boards, and the feedback you get from others when you post about your child, is invaluable!

Guilt is only useful in that it shows just what a good parent you truly are — a lousy parent wouldn’t lose any sleep at all! A lousy parent would feel sorry for herself, stuck with such a rotten kid (YUP, I’ve met some!) and not devastated that she let her child down by not being infallible.

So, now that you are proven an A+ parent, pat yourself on the back and get busy! Read some of the success stories on Parenting LD — if you approach this wholeheartedly, you will be posting your own success story in a few years.

BEST wishes to you at this trying time…

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I truely believe that God chose us to have our wonderful boy. We have been given a special child to care for and guide. Of course there are frustrations, but there is the incredible challenge to help him find his strengths and his place in the world. It is a lonely path and this website is a gift, too. Here there are people who have shed the same tears and fought the same fights. It is not your fault. You are not alone. You and your husband have the opportunity to guide a unique child. Find what each of you has to offer him, encourage each other to enjoy your trip to Holland, and like all of us, you will have been part of a wonderful journey.

From time to time, I still have my pity parties - I’m frustrated, tired or question why dd was chosen for these ‘special differences’. That year from hell with diagnosis, advocating, getting help - grief, anger, guilt, being thrust into an overwhelming complicated world we knew nothing about, etc. Many here have all been there.

But the year from hell is very much in the distant past and pity party days have become more and more infrequent as she progresses. And that has been truly awesome to watch and be actively involved in.

I’m not sure I can ‘go there’ with the philosophical of why God gave her us. Maybe he knew about the challenge - we would have this unbelievable learning experience and grow from it too or that we would do everything in our power to ensure her well-being. We can’t not do what we’re doing with/for her. She remains an awesome wonderful child that IMO the world is lucky to have (how’s that for blind biased mother love, but hey it’s true!).

GL in your journey and give yourself a break. Your reaction is kinda normal. I channeled whatever undesirable emotion (like the anger or undeserved guilt) into getting help for dd til I ‘worked’ through them later. That’s what got me through the year from hell.

IT’s not anyones fault. I am a special ed. teacher with a child in special ed. I felt the same way you are at first. I was wondering why my child couldn’t read in 3rd grade and here I was a stay at home mom an a certified teacher! You have to be an advocate for your child and get him every possible help there is in your area. I ended up taking my child out fo public school in 5th grade and sent to a school that works with L.D. kids then put him back in public school. He is doing wonderfully now. He’s going into 8th grade and needs very little help from his teachers . All I can tell you from my experience as a teacher and a parent of a struggling student is find out everything your school system offers and talk to the directer of special ed. Educate yourself! You and your husband have to work together to help your child and make sure he knows it’s not his fault. Even a 7 yr. old knows when he’s not learning what everyone else is and can feel left out. Good luck!

T’s mom,

I, of course, agree with the others regarding the futility of feeling guilty because a child has a developmental or learning disorder. None of us will ever know exactly what happened in our children’s brains (or when) to cause the problems they have. If your husband is blaming you, then I think counseling needs to be on your list of things to do. Your husband obviously has no knowledge or understanding of your son’s issues.

I will tell you that the average pediatrician is not always the best source of help. You need to find a clinic that deals with developmental and learning delays or perhaps a neuropsychologist. I think some parents do look to a pediatrician to diagnose or treat all these things and really, they are best at treating viruses and other diseases. I’ve heard of many kids who passed through the pediatrician’s office for years and it wasn’t ‘til they reached school age that their problems were really identified.

I had my own child repeat first grade this year. It gave her extra time to work on the skills she needed to be successful before moving up. If you can get a good evaluation right away, then your son could be set for the therapy he needs through that second year of first grade. I would never have her repeat again, but first grade is the ideal year to to it if you ever do.

You only fail if you give up on your child. You will learn as you walk along this path (or visit Holland!) as we all have. Take one day at a time and you’ll make it!

Janis

You didn’t explain why they want to keep your child back. Before you agree to keep your child back in grade 1, do a little research. The following is a quote from “Overcoming Dyslexia, A New and Complete Science-Based Program for Reading Problems at Any Level” by Sally Shaywitz, MD p. 195:

“Above all, do not keep the child back a year in school. Research indicates that retention is not effective. These data come from studies that compared two groups of children for whom the only difference was that one was retained and the other went on to the next grade. Students who were not retained were better off academically and emotionally. Staying back did no help the children in their learning and seemed to carry an additional negative psychological burden. This should come as no surprise. Earlier I discussed data which indicted that there is no such thing as a developmental lag. If a child is experincing a problem in learning, it is not goint to get better by allowing more time to pass before he receives the appropriate help. He needs a proven intervention, which I will talk about in Chapter 19. Here I want to emphasize that instruction that fails a child once is not going to help him the second time around.”

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I agee with all the other posters we can what if our selves to craziness. There is no one to blame, in fact since you are catching it early you will be able to help him. Remember that he is still your child and you love him and will do what it takes to get him what he needs. The fact your son has difficulties need not be a door slamming shut just a different path he must take. My oldest son has struggled since his earliest years in school, we have been throgh many a battle with schools, doctors, and the like. Today he is soon to be 15 and going into the 10th grade. He is a special ed “graduate”. Yes, he still has some struggles but has learned coping skills to help him get around them. He has completed his freshman year with a cumilitive grade point average of 2.7, not bad for a student who use to know nothing but failure. He has been through a lot of remediation both through the school and at home. The important thing is to let him know you love him and have confidence in him. HOld your head high and take pride in the fact that you have identified his weaknesses and are helping to remediate the ones you can and providing coping skills for the one you can’t.

I think Shawitz has made a very gross generalization. If a child is pushed ahead, they will certainly continue to struggle. The extra year early on (preferably K or 1) can give the parent time to begin effective remedial instruction in or outside of school. Then when it is time for the child to move up the next year, they might be ready for the work in the next grade. To assume that the child would only repeat the same grade with no intervention is ridiculous, in my opinion, and makes me wonder about the Shaywitz book in general. I think it is fine to say that retention with no intervention is not effective, but it is very hard to catch a child up when you are trying to remediate AND cover all the new skills of the next grade at the same time.

As always, however, each child’s case must be considered individually and the most important component is that the child MUST receive effective, research-based instruction or he will continue to fall further behind. A very heavy summer intervention could potentially eliminate the need for repeating the prior grade.

Janis

My son ended first grade not really reading. The school elected not to retain BECAUSE he was LD. The presumption, I now realize, is that he would never be caught up anyway. It has been a very very hard road because of that decision. He was basically just warming a seat in second grade as we struggled to work privately to catch him up. If I had to do it all over again, I would have had him retained that year AS WE WORKED TO REMEDIATE HIS DEFICITS.

There is no doubt that doing the same thing twice or hoping that development will take care of it is an error in thinking. But effective intervention COMBINED with time can take a lot of stress off everyone.

My son is now finishing fourth grade and is relatively caught up but it has taken daily therapy and much much work for three long years. So, I would say you can catch up an LD child without retention but it is a very hard road. Realize by not considering retention as an option you are expecting a LD child to not only master what he or she was unable to master under ordinary circumstances the first time through but also to keep up with a circul. for which they do not have the prerequisite skills.

Beth

We didn’t retain, but we did pull my daughter out of school at 1:00 p.m. every day (she missed PE, science (not a graded subject at that time), art, music, etc.

It WAS hard, no doubt, but we had a wonderful teacher, who didn’t make her make up work that was unnecessary. It was a tough year, but it paid off. She learned to read that year (2nd grade) and passed. Her self esteem was good and I just told her “we have to find a tutor who teaches reading the way your brain works”.

She moved on to 3rd, 4th and we haven’t looked back. I agree with Janis that early retention is the only way, but no retention, in my opinion, is even better.

every time I keep hearing that “all the research proves” that retention is not effective. I first heard/read this statement in the late 1960’s, over thirty years ago. This exact same quote has been repeated and repeated and it is a truism in education circles.

What has occurred to me to wonder is whether any new research has ever been done on this, or are we still going by 1940’s and 50’s information? This is a serious question — in reading teaching we are still fighting claims of word-memorization based on technologically primitive and flawed research done in the 1930’s, so is the situation the same re retention?

Since “all the research proves retention s not effective” became a truism in the 1960’s, very little retention has been done for purely academic reasons and so it is probably very hard to get unbiased samples for slightly more modern classrooms.

I’m not saying whether it is or isn’t effective — my personal opinion is that it is an excessively complicated topic — I really do want to know whether we are dealing with trustworthy facts or with mindless repetition of received dogma.

I was someone who was almost retained. When I was in second grade I was very ill and I missed the whole year of school. I didn’t have a tutor unitil March and even that was just twice a week.

I still remember the blow of being told I would be retained. It was very demoralizing.

In the end they sent me ahead without retention and I did fine. I was not LD but I still think one has to consider the emotional impact of these decisions.

The research just does not support retention although it is rampant in the public schools.

I think it should only be used if the child buys in and there are few other options.

Call me old fashioned, or even pigheaded, but how can anyone expect a student to survive the next grade level when they haven’t mastered their current material. I just don’t get it. Do you just toss them in the class and hope the stuff sinks in? Sounds like the old trick of putting an algebra book under your pillow at night.

I test people with disabilities for a living and do career counseling. Some students, but primarily adults, and every disability except blindness. The goal is appropriate employment (or training and employment, or education and employment.)

Many of the people I’ve worked with during the past 29 years have graduated on time from high school and still had profound trouble with basic reading, writing and arithmetic. (On time = no retention at any point.)

For example, let’s look at the open file on my desk. He finished high school on time, has been able to learn to do four or five very different labor jobs and now has a bad back. His verbal comprehension score on one test is Very Low. His arithmetic score on a different test is at the 6.3 Grade Level with a Standard Score = 79. His other scores are all in the same range - low.

Question: What was accomplished by passing him from grade to grade and eventually giving him a diploma? Was he supposed to be happy that he was tossed into the world of work with few basic skills? Seems like a cruel joke to us.

He’s just one of thousands and that’s just in this small city. The situation is very much the same in the other parts of the state I’ve worked in as part of my job.

I always get a tad irritated when I hear “Promote them, it’s good for their self esteem.” Hogwash. Self esteem is earned with work and accomplishment, not by being handed something.

Employers don’t want diplomas as much as they want SKILLED WORKERS. Sorry for shouting.

John

P.S. - Ever wonder why so many students drop out? Could it be that they’ve been promoted so many times for the wrong reasons and they can see that they don’t understand much of anything that’s going on in their classes? That’s what I’ve been hearing for years…overwhelmed, bored and hopeless.

Please read the research.

Do a search in Eric on grade retention. The articles that support retention are based on fluff and the research points to higher drop out rates, a decrease in motivation and retention with no improvement in academics.

It is pretty compelling and not out of date in the least.

It seems to make logical sense that holding a child back would help but there are parts of whole language that also seem to make sense until you look at the research.

That should say a decrease in motivation and attention. Sorry.

Here’s a very interesting article entitled ‘Parents and Teachers Guide to understanding and treating children with puzzling learning problems: Dyslexia, ADD, Learning Disabilities’:

http://www.uei.uh.edu/downloads/Parent_Teacher_Guide.pdf

It is written by Jerome Rosner, author of ‘Helping Children Overcome Learning Difficulties’, a very good book.

In the article (and in the book), he describes the benefits of retention as a treatment option.

I wish I had come across this article and/or his book a year ago (or even sooner) when my son was in Grade 1 — I would have retained him and used the time to help him develop the basic learning skills that were lacking. He is now struggling in Grade 2.

Brenda

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I haven’t been able to do a lot of really serious research for a while, but I will certainly believe you if you say there is up to date and real research there. Unfortunately, far too much stuff that gets published in education is, as you say, based on fluff or worse, so a skeptical eye is needed — even (rather especially) when you agree with the conclusions.
I meet and work with a lot of the same people John is talking about, and agree thatsocial promotion certainly is not a solution either, but repeating and more of the same that didn’t work in the first place rarely helps much. Again, my personal opinion is that the issue is too complex for simplistic approaches.