My 12 yo daughter finally has found a friend that actually lives in the neighborhood. The friend lives around the corner about two blocks away. She went to visit for the first time last week. I had the girls meet eachother in the middle and then walk the rest of the way together. I told them that they had to come home the same way. The time to come home was 7:00 because I didn’t want them out after dark. So, of course, 7:15 comes and still my daughter has not come home. It turns out that it was circumstances beyond her control but she didn’t think to call me. I called the friend’s house and my husband drove over and picked her up. In light of her adhd problems and this being a first we did not ground her but discussed what she could have done and will do next time—starting with wearing her watch. We also have radios that we use for camping and have considered using them since she is right in the neighborhood. So, I hope that next time there won’t be a problem. If she needs me to call to remind her it’s close to coming home I can but I don’t want to embarass her either.
I realize time management and organization are issues that are directly affected by adhd but making it home on time is pretty important as far as safety goes. I admit I’m a bit overprotective but if my daughter is not home on time I start to worry right away. How do other people handle this? What things do you do to make sure your child comes home on time? Would you talk to the friend’s parent?
Re: how do you make sure they come home on time?
I give my 7th grader my cell phone when he goes out with friends biking, or to the movies and he can and does call me and better still I can call him. Many of my friends do the same.
Re: how do you make sure they come home on time?
Some ideas that work on building a real sense of responsibility:
Tell her she *must* appear at the door or call you with a reason at a certain time. Five minutes after that, you call and remind her. Yes, embarrassment in front of friends is definitely a motivation to check that watch.
Let her choose her own curfew within reason; instead of “Be home at 7”, use “When will you be home?” If she says midnight, you tell her to be sensible and give a realistic time, but don’t be too picky. After all , if the favourite TV show is 7 to 8, it won’t kill her to watch it with a friend once a week. Being trusted to set her own schedule like this will make her respect it. (right through high school — ours was no later than 9 or 10 weekdays, midnight and special occasions 1AM weekends)
Allow her to call if there is a special reason and she wants to stay a little later. Be flexible when there is a need, and she won’t feel it necessary to push limits.
Make very sure she understands that this has *nothing* to do with her being a child and is *basic courtesy* to people whom you share a house and car with — after all, you phone and tell people when you are delayed, don’t you?
If the chosen return time is after dark, arrange one parent or the other to walk her home and/or give a lift in the car. Try to be as flexible as possible about this — a ten-minute (or even an hour’s) drive is a small price to pay for a child knowing she is a respected family member and having friends and activities.
Beth in FL
My daughter is thirteen and is frequently at the house next door. If she says she is going to be home at X time and isn’t, I just call or go get her. I then make her do a chore for me because she made me go find her.
Now my daughter is not ADHD, just 13, which sometimes feels the same. And we are only talking next door but I think the general principle might work. You do what you say and if you don’t and I have to call or come get you then you have to repay me by doing something for me.
I would never hesitate to call if a child didn’t do what they say.
Beth
Re: how do you make sure they come home on time?
Beth, how on earth did your daughter become 13? When I started coming to this board all our children were so much younger!
Re: how do you make sure they come home on time?
Karen,
I don’t know!!! I have been on these boards for four years now—can you believe it! I hardly knew what LD or ADHD meant then now friends of friends call me for information!
BTW, I am taking my son for LMB testing this Friday. We have had marvelous luck with the reverse spelling that Nancy recommended on the reading board and I think visualization may be one of his remaining issues. I tried to teach him SS a year or so ago and think it is one of those programs that is hard for a parent to do, at least initially. He wasn’t very cooperative about air writing. I also think they have great testing and would like to see where we are at. My son is doing much better with multisyllable words post our PG intensive but he still skips words and frankly, it is still too much effort. I don’t think SS would directly help the skipping words but I noticed that improved decoding with PG helped the skipping so anything that makes the reading process easier should help indirectly I think.
Beth
We struggled with the same thing for years. When she was 3 she would be out playing with friends and go into someone’s house without telling me where she was going (we were in a very small and safe community- military base housing, otherwise she wouldn’t have been out of my sight). As she got older and if they were playing outside, we would tell her to come in when the street lights came on. A digital watch with the alarm set for a few minutes before she should leave might help- unfortunately they can be difficult to set, and remember to set each time. I found the hourly alarm was too easily ignored after awhile. I would call the mom just to let her know that your child is expected home at a certain time- not putting the responsibility on her but just ask her to remind your daughter if she should happen to notice that it’s getting late. And you know what, maybe a little embarrassment from having mom call would be the motivation for her to remember in the future. Now that she’s a teenager our child manages to make it home on time— if not, her curfew becomes a few hours earlier for awhile. Yes, ADHD makes it more of a challenge, but she can learn to keep track of time.