Please Help-son refuses to go to school!

I wouldn’t attend that school either.

acrowell,
Kids learn a lot more at school than academics. During the teen years peers rule. If your child is a follower it is even worse. Your child will become more like these other kids or he will be intimidated by them and the whole environment. I don’t have any answers for you but I suspect that it is sheer torment for your child to attend that school. I just wish that I could suggest an alternative for you. I think that your child’s soul might be at stake. It doesn’t matter how great the teacher is because kids are peer-oriented at this age.
Terry

Have you considered consulting a mental health professional for your son? It sounds like he is telling you by his behavior that school has become just too stressful for him. He is acting out in the only way he has available to him. At this age (I know, I’ve got two teens) they often keep many things from their parents. They are struggling to be independent (which is perfectly normal) but if they are also struggling in other ways, they can become overwhelmed. Your son might really benefit from talking to a counselor and a counselor could also give you some insights into behavioral management.

Yes, we have thought about counseling. However, the nonconsistency of his behavior (going to school almost cheerfully for two or three days) has lead us to believe that he has worked through his negative feelings and is ready to make the best of it, only to have him turn around the following day and “take a break”.

In some ways, I understand his needing a break because the situation is so stressful. Yet, we also see him getting further and further behind in terms of returning to his regular school. He realizes it too, but on the days he decides to take his “break”, he just doesn’t seem to care about the whole picture.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, and we are going to consider counseling.

Terry,

You put things very well. I’m also concerned about the damage this environment might be doing to him. Yet, we don’t have much in the way of choices. We considered keeping him home for the rest of the year which is only another four weeks, but the school told us that, if he misses more than three, non-excused consecutive days, he will be considered a truant and that, as such, the legal system could get involved.

acrowell,

Have you discussed this with the teacher (without your son knowing.) I suspect that this issue has come up before. Could she give you lesson plans for the last few weeks so that he can be homeschooled for example (I may be reaching on this one?) Could there be any other creative way to deal with this that the teacher knows of.

My niece went to summer school once and learned how to time your sex-life to maximize your chance of conception. Obviously the teacher didn’t teacher her that! Two of the three girls had babies for show-and-tell 9 months later. These kids shouldn’t be packed together if you really care about these misguided children. If they could go in for academics only and not have any down-time to socialize, it might work better. Hmmm, is there any way to have him there only for academics (not lunch, the bus, study hall etc…)? Maybe he wouldn’t like that?

You might want to post on the teaching board section and see if a teacher can take a shot at this.

Terry

Hi Terry,

OMG about your niece’s summer school experience! We have been VERY worried about what our son is learning at this school. Unfortunately, it isn’t a whole lot different than his regular high school, and we live in a very nice area. It’s just that, at his regular school, there are 1400 kids so the negative influence is more diffused.

We asked about homeschooling, but, since our son has an IEP, the law states that 180 minutes a day of special ed is required which they can’t do at home. If we opt to discontinue the IEP, he won’t be able to return to special ed back at his regular school in the fall.

We are really over a barrel here. The worst thing is how ANGRY I feel with my son as he created this situation for himself and continues to add fuel to the fire by refusing to cooperate.

I’ll take your suggestion and post in the education section. Thanks so much.

Why can’t you do the special ed in homeschool? Are his teachers at this school actually any better qualified than you are? (often the answer is no). If you do need a qualified person, hire a tutor part time to set up a curriculum and supervise.

I know that you are angry but about the pot but this is how I see it as someone that is not emotionally involved. I have known some responsible adults that would smoke pot occasionally. Personally, I think it is a dumb thing to do but not something that makes me think that someone is criminal or evil. Obviously, it is illegal so I find myself keeping a distance from such individuals. Your son has done something foolish but not something that requires the water dungeon (a joke in our family.) The punishment doesn’t fit the crime and it does nothing to assure that the pot-smoking won’t continue. If anything it encourages worse behaviors not only because of the peer-associations but because society says that he IS LIKE the kids and that is why they are being grouped together. So, I would advise that you try to put the anger against your son aside (real tough) and concentrate on the larger goal of trying to maximize his chances of making better choices. I know that if it were my child I would be a wreck so I congratulate you for your fortitude. Try to remain clear-thinking and strong!
Terry

Can you homeschool and drive him to school just for the special ed. 180 minutes? Could the teacher work the schedule so that he sees him 2x times a week for 90 minutes? With homeschool in between and just a few weeks to go, maybe a survival technique.

I agree it is scary - if he gets the view that is how society views him, then might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. If he’s going to be viewed as a ‘bad kid’ then he might as well do the ‘bad kid’ things. Nothing like a self-fufilling prophesy.

Definately counselling for the self-esteem issues that lead to ‘following’.

You are certainly in a tough spot. What are the summer plans?

Victoria, although I have no training in teaching whatsoever, I think I have some skills when it comes to my son as I understand how he learns. However, according to the school, in order to homeschool, we would have to opt out of the entire special ed program, and it would be very difficult to reinstate it when he returns to his regular school. There is some kind of hospital/home program for kids for whom attending school is medically or psychiatrically contraindicated. I truely believe attending this school is causing at least some psychological trauma to my son, but we would have to have a doctor certify this. We hesitate to go this route because of what the ramifications might be down the road if we do so. Also, there is also that nagging feeling that we might be doing the wrong thing by “rescuing” him from this mess he got himself into which may not help him to learn (before it’s too late) about the consequences of his actions…

Terry, you make a lot of sense…

Actually, I’m not so much angry about my son smokng the pot (other than the fact that it’s illegal) as I am about him not learning a lesson from the very harsh consequence of being suspended from school for five months. Then, to be forced into this sleezy continuation school and immediately doing the same thing!!!! We also have known and do know people who smoke pot occasionally, and, in fact, smoked it ourselves occasionally years ago. However, we were adults— not a 14-year-old child who should be focusing on getting an education.

Be that as it may, you are absolutely right about putting my anger aside, and my husband and I have been trying very hard to do so. It’s just that my son aggravates the situation every time he refuses to go to school which only delays his return to his regular school so that we can all put this episode behind us.

I can understand why, considering all the stresses at this school, he feels that he needs these weekly “breaks”. God knows, I could use one! However, it feels more like defiance and lack of cooperation on his part because he is aware of of all the stresses we are under because of the decisions he has made, and him missing school just adds another layer.

Thanks so much for your input.

mmm, that sounds like a good idea. I’m going to talk to his special ed teacher today to see if this might work for my son without negating his IEP.
With only four weeks of school left, maybe this won’t be a huge issue…

Acrowell, this is hard stuff for you and your son. Please, please consider some family counseling. Please also consider whether your son’s ADHD issues have been adequately addressed. Possibly his acting out behaviors, including the pot-smoking, are the consequences of his continued difficulty with school. At some point, a kid can get so frustrated with continued failure that he gives up altogether and starts looking to places other than school just to be able to fit in somewhere. You’ve said that he didn’t used to be a kid who got into trouble but now he’s undergone this radical transformation. I’m wondering if he’s just given up on being successful. Everyone hates the thought that their child or a member of their family might be looked at funny because of needing counseling. I’ve been there, I know. Ultimately, however, it is more important to deal with the problem than to worry about what other people might say about it. Rest assured, if your son continues down this path, people certainly will be thinking and saying negative things about him, things that would be unfair and untrue. It may not be so much that your son is choosing to act this way as that he has hit bottom and just can’t hold himself together anymore. It will be hard to know what needs to be done about his education until you deal with why he is acting as he is. People always have a reason for the things they do and most of the time it is not the reason that might immediately spring to mind. Counseling will help you to get the root of the issue. Family counseling will help everyone deal with the stresses you face as a result of the problem. It will make you stronger as a family and demonstrate to your son how much you love and care about him.

I wanted to chime in with Guest — PLEASE investigate counselling! Seriously, and right away. My vote would be family counselling plus one-on-one for your son, and possibly some work with someone for just you and hubby (on how to deal with the issues and frustration!). Even SOME of the above would be valuable — you need to find the right person, but this is do-able especially if you are in a larger center.

You may find this will help with the school problem — it will at least help you get some perspective. I agree with guest that your son is showing signs of ‘giving up’, and this is not good. I also worry about the effect his choices are having on his self-image — nothing worse than SCREWING UP and having the punishment be so hard and long that you lose sight of the ‘error’ and begin to feel deserving of the punishment ‘because you are bad, worthless, a screw-up, etc, etc…’

You can debate pros and cons of marijuana — outside the illegality, which I will only agree with when they ban ALCOHOL — but he is beyond ‘experimentation’ and may be using habitually already (given the second situation!). As was said, this is NOT the same as a few consenting adults getting giggly on Saturday night!

Why does a kid use pot — sometimes, TO KILL THE PAIN…and I suspect this may be what is going on…so you need to get to the bottom of the PAIN — WHY he feels bad enough to be attracted by the high of pot even when the consequences of using are BAD, before you can help him make better choices. Is it part of the ADHD, or??? I personally believe that the high of pot is not the addictive thing, it is the painkilling (psychological pain as well as physical!) factor that makes it so attractive. Maybe, as a former ‘gt/possibly LD’ misfit who majored in smoking area, I’m reading too much into your situation — or maybe it takes one to know one!

Please, investigate counselling — those who look funny at you or your son for seeking professional help are ignorant fools. I don’t think this could possibly hurt his future — you are not committing him to a mental institution, you are looking for educated help from a party who is not emotionally involved and, hopefully, has some experience in these things…I truly believe this is necessary, and if you find someone experienced in similar cases you may also get GREAT help for the school problem…best wishes to you!

Well, in the society where I am living, usage of marijuana among young men is approaching 100%. It is in the position of beer and tobacco a hundred years ago - you’re a real oddball if you don’t.
Slightly less among young women but they are catching up.
As such all we can do is be the voice of reason and try to encourage good judgement, especially with respect to cars; Prohibition didn’t work then and isn’t working now. The MADD approach is far more effective.
The government tried to rationalize this — they can’t realistically put the entire 18 to 25 male population in jail — but too many people, including those in foreign countries, were shocked and put pressure on to keep unenforceable laws on the books.

Your son is being punished for the sin of Being Caught.
I am sure he got that marijuana from somebody at his old school, somebody who is probably still there. And in his “special” school it probably flows like water.
In my daughter’s high school even the administration warned kids out of the back stairwells (too many corners and very difficult to supervise) and those stairwells stank of marijuana. We spoke openly with the kids and luckily they had too many other things to keep them busy.
This is the problem with the zero tolerance policies, that they are not really zero tolerance, just a random clampdown on those who aren’t wise to the system — and you would prefer him not to be wise in that way.

The idea of homeschooling him and only taking him in for special ed is a good ones. He can put a positive spin on it with the other kids — he’s got a special deal to get him out of school, a goal most of them want.

If worst comes to worst, he can discover a medical disability - headaches? - and leave school for a few days under doctor’s orders.

You can sure tell I am OUT OF TOUCH with teenagers, can’t you…! Victoria has a good perspective — and perhaps I am way off in my judgement of his reasons for participating! Because her post made me realize that I am just a ‘ten year old’ mom — my advice may not be useful.

That said, it brings up another side of the coin — how do you respect authority that is so two-faced and hypocritical? Perhaps he is opting out based on that, as well as a lifetime of school problems…I’m arguing against my first post here, but I leave the analysis to you, Acrowell. I’m a pro-counselling person, but then again have NOT yet raised a teenager. Perrhaps a low-key, supportive and reasonable response to his choices is called for — and I do put ‘situation appropriate’ pot smoking in the same category as alcohol use — the illegality is just plain STUPID.

So now I waffle towards Victoria’s solution…SO glad I have a few years before I get to this stage!

Victoria and Elizabethe— I think you both have very valid points.

My son has had his failures in school which can only have taken a toll in his self esteem. On the other hand, we have always been a close family with a lot of support— my father taught for 20 years including a program for problem high school kids and my uncle is a psychologist. I don’t believe my son is smoking pot more than once in awhile— he says he isn’t at all, but that may or may not be. When questioned, he says he thinks it’s fun, but he is a very outgoing kid with a large circle of decent kids in our neighborhood (who have also experiemented with pot) and they also are able to find fun in other activities. Again, I don’t really think he is trying to ease any psychological pain. And, it seems to be true that this is a very widespread issue. When my son was suspended from school, it was alongside one of his friends who did not live in our neighborhood. We felt confident that, if we curtailed his contact with this boy, our son would be safe from temptation. That was until we found out that every one of the ten or so boys who live on our street (all between 14-16 years old) were smoking pot at least once in awhile!

We are looking into counseling and have a call into a therapist as I type. Although we took a fairly blase approach to pot when we were in our 20’s, we certainly don’t now, simply because it’s against the law. The worst thing is that this relatively little mistake has cost our son so much and just keeps costing him and us. I think therapy will definitely help our frustration and, hopefully, we can get him to go as well.

All your post have really helped— thanks so much for your input.

Victoria and Elizabethe— I think you both have very valid points.

My son has had his failures in school which can only have taken a toll in his self esteem. On the other hand, we have always been a close family with a lot of support— my father taught for 20 years including a program for problem high school kids and my uncle is a psychologist. I don’t believe my son is smoking pot more than once in awhile— he says he isn’t at all, but that may or may not be. When questioned, he says he thinks it’s fun, but he is a very outgoing kid with a large circle of decent kids in our neighborhood (who have also experiemented with pot) and they also are able to find fun in other activities. Again, I don’t really think he is trying to ease any psychological pain. And, it seems to be true that this is a very widespread issue. When my son was suspended from school, it was alongside one of his friends who did not live in our neighborhood. We felt confident that, if we curtailed his contact with this boy, our son would be safe from temptation. That was until we found out that every one of the ten or so boys who live on our street (all between 14-16 years old) were smoking pot at least once in awhile!

We are looking into counseling and have a call into a therapist as I type. Although we took a fairly blase approach to pot when we were in our 20’s, we certainly don’t now, simply because it’s against the law. The worst thing is that this relatively little mistake has cost our son so much and just keeps costing him and us. I think therapy will definitely help our frustration and, hopefully, we can get him to go as well.

All your post have really helped— thanks so much for your input.

Elizabeth — I don’t think it is either-or. If the family can find good counselling, yes, it is an excellent idea. My personal experiences with counselling have run to the bizarre so I suggest careful choice, but yes, go for it.

As Accrowell has found out with her quick survey, recreational pot use is now nearly universal in many areas (and don’t think yours is exempt until you look). Prohibition is working about as well now as it did in the days of Al Capone.
So deal with pot as you deal with beer — it’s around, it’s available, people are going to use it, and teens are going to try it. A blanket ban and attempt to instill fear is just not effective; you make yourself into an ignorant and hypocritical old fogy. You have to discuss making reasonable choices, making your own decisions and not following the crowd, personal ethics, life goals, and so on.

Elizabeth — as a mother of a ten-year-old, it’s coming a lot faster than you think. It is practically certain that some kids in your elementary school are trying alcohol and pot and unfortunately cigarettes (and we hope no worse). The *average* age for first trying intoxicants is around twelve. Your child will have the opportunity open to him soon, if he hasn’t already. Time to start talking now!
In fact there’s a campaign on our local radio right now urging parents to talk to kids about alcohol, quoting parents who say their kids would never do that — and then saying that at age ten over half the children had tried a drink.

Victoria re your note to Elizabeth—

You are absolutely right. We are a two-parent family, living in a nice neighborhood. I have been a stay-at-home mom by choice since my son was born. He’s been through all the DARE (totally useless IMO) programs at school. We don’t use drugs and drink sparingly and have talked to him regularly about choices, goals, etc. We have always opened our home to our son’s friends and monitored their activites age-appropriately and made sure the same was tru when he was at their homes. Nonetheless, we were shocked to discover that he actually tried pot first at age 12! If asked about it at the time, I would have been adamant that my son would never do such a thing. And we’re still amazed that, having smoked pot on weekends for several years in our 20’s, we NEVER saw the signs in our son.

I agree that all the moralizing and dire warnings are a waste of time. In talking with my son and the boys in our neighborhood, they don’t believe all the dire warnings to begin with— they’ve tried it and see that they are not compelled to go buy stronger drugs, they still attend and do well in school, are able to play their sports, etc. They also, according to my brother-in-law who is a 30-year veteran of the local police department, are very aware that the police do very little if anything if someone has less than an oz. of pot.

That said, my son was suspended from his school for having been seen with a group of kids smoking pot. He was not seen smoking the pot (although he later admitted that he did…) nor did he have paraphernalia at the time. Even so, because of their so-called “zero tolerance policy”, the harsh consequence was given to him. It’s a quandry…

I’m not sure what stat you are in, but in our state, if this situation had occurred where I am then your child’s IEP would have been violated and the school would have no leg to stand on. In cases such as this, a behavioral intervention plan should have been written and ammended at least once before any change of placement was even considered. You really need to check on the laws for your state and determine whether or not the school had the right to change the placement of your son.

SPED teacher,

We are in CA. They mentioned a “manifestation determination” that had to do with whether or not the behavior was a manifestation of his ADD. We certainly believe that it was, as our son is very impulsive (this is not to say that, absent ADD, he wouldn’t have done the same thing…). However, as part of this determination, he was asked three questions— the specific one I remember was whether or not he knew the difference from right and wrong in this case. When it was determined that was, in fact, very aware that what he did violated the school’s rules, they were able to pass judgement and suspend him. This is what we were told, anyway…

acrowell, I’ve been reading your thread with interest but not sure how to respond with anything helpful. I do want to say that the school policy seems harsh. I teach in a high school and our policy is also zero tolerance. However, if the child is not seen with the drugs or found with the drugs they will not be punished unless they appear to be under the influence. In that case they will test the student and proceed from there. Did they test your son? How do they know he was really involved if they didn’t find anything? Doesn’t make sense!

The other thing is I’ve never heard of a suspension that long unless it’s just a different way of phrasing things. Our students have a mandatory 10 day suspension after which there is an administrative hearing. At the hearing they are many times place in one of the alternative schools, called Second Chance, for two marking periods. After completing the two marking periods most return to the regular high school setting. With all of that said I do understand where you are coming from! Our Second Chance school can be a rough school and it is doubtful how much real learning goes on.

Without debating the moral and legal issues regarding drugs I can say that I can relate to both sides of this issue. I work in a large urban high school and the tough stance does make a difference. Sure, it still goes on but not to the same degree as it could or previously was otherwise. (We also have a large security team and have eliminated most places for things to happen. Even the bathrooms have windows on the bottom of the door that are open with bars so that smoke will come out almost immediately—though, as we all know many drugs don’t involve smoke!) However, I do believe that it is the school’s responsibility to carry out their policies fairly. Legally, schools do not need the same probable cause to search as the police BUT they should NOT be able to punish when there is nothing to be punished. It seems to me, unless I’m misreading something, that your son did nothing wrong. He was near some kids but had nothing on him!

We also have a program in one of our high school buildings (we have two) where students when caught with drugs can choose the outcome. I’m not sure of all of the details because it’s not implemented in my building yet. It’s a program where the student has a shorter suspension period, maybe five days, and completes a program for drug awareness at a local center. Then they can return to school but they must complete the program. If they choose not to do that then their punishment is as was written above.

It also sounds like you have excellent extended family support. That’s good and important. Does your school have any appeals procedure for parents to take? Can you appeal the decision? Can you appeal it with the help of an attorney to scare the ….. out of them? That is the one thing that scares almost all schools quicker than anything else! What about a visit to the superintendent with an attorney?

I don’t know if anything I said was helpful or relevant but hang in there. I agree with everybody else that counseling could be very helpful!

Yes, appealing through a lawyer is a very good idea. It sounds like a few basic legal standards were fudged in your son’s case.

Back to the original topic, something occurred to me that has been a major topic on another thread: when he does not want to go to this school, is he being bullied, threatened, or harassed? He won’t want to admit it because this is not an age to be a wimp or a tattle-tale. He may not even recognize it as bullying or harassment because it may be disguised as “playfulness”. But his fear of the place may be a symptom. If you can pry any facts out of him you may have another case.

I think you are right on the money. 15 is too young to be making the decisions regarding his education, and facing the consequences.

He sounds depressed, with not much self-image or self-concept. The big “who am I” question is getting any answers for him. Shop, shop, shop for a good counselor.

If this is his attitude to education then probably only his social life was keeping him at his old school. Not enough of an anchor.

He is at a loss, at sea with himself and a perfect target for drugs.

I think our kids are especially at risk here. Promoting a strong, positive self-image with LD kids is not easy. Self medication is high among your teens. Find someone who really knows teens, LDs, depression. Good luck and stay with it.

Give the little be yatch a choice. Tell the little spoiled brat he can either attend school or he can be beaten bumpy and attend school.

You should pay some thug to beat the crap out of this little fag.

Can a moderator remove the previous post? That was awful.

Please do not believe what the school says about homeschooling. They get paid to have your son in the system, so they will LIE about what the law says. You will not be arrested or anything of the sort for taking your son out of school. I highly recommend you do this, and allow him time to recover from all of these awful experiences.

You don’t have to be a teacher to lead your son into taking responsibility for his own education. Learning happens naturally when a child is not under stress from trying to meet requirements he cannot meet. He needs your guidance more than anything else right now.

I do know that you will have to be evaluated every so often, but this is not difficult to do and there are hundreds of thousands of parents doing it in California as I write. If you do not feel ready to spend time with your son, that is valid, but never listen to the public schools when it comes to homeschooling. There are legal groups who have taken on school districts and gotten laws changed so that we can have the right not to have our kids indoctrinated and destroyed by the government school system.