Not just a vent - Please help with questions!

Here I am replying to my own topic! Boy am I desperate!

I thought I *was* registered here, but then I saw “guest” under my name, so now I have registered as Hey_Mom.

Thank you for reading and responding to my posts. It helps just to know that someone out there cares about our struggle.

J.B.

heymom, I will respond as soon as I can! Sorry! I’ve been extremely (I mean EXTREMELY) busy so I read your post but didn’t mean to ignore you!

In the meantime, hang in there!

heymom,

I haven’t been able to get onto this site for days. I have a daughter that is bright and mild ADHD. She acts more acceptable in school this year because she is being pulled out for more challenging course work. Your son definitely does sound to have a more serious case of ADHD than my daughter but I would say that finding “Gifted” options would be at least of some help to him.

I also feel strongly that we need to encourage the strengths of these children. My daughter likes art so we sign up for many art programs outside of school. I think that the self respect that she gets from her strengths gives her the confidence to work on her weaknesses.

Terry

Social skills classes are hard to come by. Your best bet would be finding an autism support group and seeing what resources they have available. This issue tends to effect those children the most and they are most likely to be aware of your area resources

My DH has a PhD but would have his teeth drilled before hed read a book. He will, however, do books on tape. Would this be an acceptable alternative for your DH-in the car? exercising?

Have you ever wondered if your Dh’s reading reluctance means he has the same issues as your DS? Food for thought!

Gifted programming? You would have to look into the program and see what learning styles it targets. If the program teaches in a way that is not natural for your son because of the way his brain works, you will accomplish nothing except increase his frustration.

Some parents advocate to see that their child is taught at an advanced level based in their learning style. Kudos to them, but, frankly, I wouldnt have the strength. I think it would be a rough road

Back to the social skills? If you dont find anything to help, I think you have to develop your own plan and realize it will a lengthy process. He is 10 and habits have been formed.

Do you have a good relationship with the parents of any boys he may like to befriend. Perhaps playdates where you are actively monitoring the situation would help.

“OK, Billy, I think Johnny has heard enough about dragonflies;lets change the subject!”

Or give him specific guidelines

“After 3 games of “Mario” you need to turn to Johnny, look at his face, and ask him if he’d like to do something different” (you could monitor this inobtrusively)

If he meets one goal each playdate, you are making progress

JenM, I guess I expected instant results! Not too realisitic with it being the end of the school year. Everyone is going crazy trying to get every last thing crammed into the kids…Whenever you can post is fine.

TerryB, yes, my son has been tested and definitely qualifies as fully ADHD, but you know, some people say it’s Teacher Deficit Disorder as he can pay attention to things like science where the teacher is dynamic and the subject is one he loves. He does do Tae Kwon Do and has his first Black Belt, which he is very proud of, and rightly so. We just don’t make the kind of friends at the TKD school that we have invited over. But we can work on that.

Marycas, your advice is great. I will check into the autism resources - you’re right, they have to deal with this in a much more intense way and might know where to go. Yes, I suspect my dh actually is dyslexic - fits the classic profile and the ADHD came from his side too. Not that my side is without flaws! But you can see it in his brother and our nephew, who is mildly Asberger. No, I doubt if he will read anything since he doesn’t really respect my POV at this time. He seems to humor me more than anything and it’s lonely dealing with our son all alone.

I did call the school our son would attend and ask about testing him for learning disabilities. I’m not sure if it makes sense to do this, or if it will pigeon-hole him into special ed. if I do decide to send him to public school. But I can pick up the papers and look them over anyway. They said they might not even get to test him over the summer. He’s going to be at his current school next year in any case, and there is no gifted program there. His teacher will be male, which is good, and very structured, also good, depending on how rigid that structure needs to be. But no gifted stuff. Anyway if he has LD it would be more important to address that rather than press for gifted activities. I think.

I need to be closer to him when he has friends over. But he also needs his space, and it’s a fine line not to be obnoxious and intrusive. Yet he can’t really manage these things on his own yet. Arrrggggghhhh - why does it have to be so difficult??

Has anyone seen the Social Skill Builder CD-ROMs? They seem quite intriguing since they depict activities in a typical school day, and have people acting out situations. Then the kids can make choices and it’s somewhat like a game. Here’s a link if it works: http://www.socialskillbuilder.com.

Thanks again and I appreciate your support! It means a lot! :D

HeyMom,
Have you thought about getting a full evaluation (IQ, LDs, ADHD etc…) from a psychologist on your own? This could be very expensive but some parents feel it is more thorough and accurate than the school testing. Schools sometimes won’t recognize outside testing (if it is not to their advantage) but at least you could know what would be best for him and it would be a check on the school’s test results.
Terry

Heymom, I opted for a private evaluation about six months ago. I knew it would cost me more and I’m still fighting appeals with the insurance company but I felt I couldn’t wait any longer. The schools would just now be getting things done and the year is just about over. I also had my other daughter evaluated because I recognized her problem after the first one was diagnosed. Both are adhd and one also has some anxiety issues.

Social issues are a problem at times. I asked if there was anything at my daughter’s school to address this when we were working on her 504 plan. They said they have something called the “character education club.” I believe my older daughter was in it when she was in that school. It’s a fun activity for the kids, which I think meets after school, and they work on things like how to get along, how to handle things, reading social cues, things like that. The ironic thing with my younger child is that we didn’t really notice the social problems until she showed improvement in all other areas. When she started to do better academically we were able to see where the other issues were.

One other thing to consider. Don’t rule out that the dyslexic symptoms are actually a symptom of adhd. I was convinced my daughter was dyslexic and read up on it extensively. I had her tested and the dr came back and said it was adhd. That the adhd affects her executive functioning and working memory making it appear she is dyslexic. Now that she is getting help she is no longer seeming to be dyslexic. She has gone from below level reading the first marking period, to on level and doing okay the second, to on level and getting the highest grades she can in just one year! She has amazed everybody! At the last teacher conference the teacher and I were both fighting tears just because she has done so amazingly well! The teacher told me she’s very bright. I said, I know. That’s why I knew she had a problem! They said she’s getting better socially but we still have a lot to work on!

I don’t know if any of this helps you but know that you are not alone. The people on this board have been a great help to me and others!

Hi, just some insite as to our road traveled. I am a sahm, who has a dd now in college, second year. Our adventure started in elementary school with some small issues and study problems. Did not know what was going on until we reached middle school. All the classic signs of adhd/ld. I found this out after doing research on the net. Sent a letter to the school requesting testing due to the long list of symptoms listed that applied. The school put us off until the following fall. Over the summer we took it upon ourselves to have her tested by a psycologist and neurologist. Once we had the diagnosis of adhd/ld, the school had no recouse but to test also. She was mainstreamed with regular classes, accomodations, and a study period with a ld teacher to help. Teachers were to busy to deal with anything out of the norm, but she did manage to not fail any subjects in 8th grade, with the help of a sp ed tutor twice a week for the entire year.
For high school we found a small private school for ld kids 30 miles away from home (started off at 30 students) commuting was great fun. The school finished with 70 last year) This was a good and bad thing. Small classes, individual attention, and accountability for every thing. This was the good part. She excelled and made the honor roll many quarters during her four years there. Had a GPA of 3.5 when she graduated in 2003. The bad part, all these kids had issues of some sort.
None of them lived close enough to be social partners. She lost contact with the neighborhood kids, they didn’t go to school together and did not have anything in common. She was very alone during these years on her off time. Also picked up some very bad influences and habits from some of the kids. Not that she would not have in public school also. In 10th grade the director strongly suggested she seek help from a professional. After much research I found a wonderful psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD girls. This woman was a wonder who dealt with all the issues dd was going thru and perscribed meds that helped her concentrate and life was good again. DD applied to college and was excepted, just finished her first year. Now this has not been an easy road. She still struggles with social issues, being homesick, 150 miles away, friends who are users, teachers who do not understand her ld issues, not using the tutors available, not wanting to be different with the special services office. She is on academic probation at a 1.9GPA for the second time. The college is giving her one more semester to bring it up to a 2.0. Her major is English, she wants to teach. Next semester with three English classes and French she feels she can do that. DD excels at all her English classes which is her passion, but the gen ed courses are bringing her down. So like your son she does well in the classes she likes and not so well in others.
I know this is long and probably alot off topic, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you in your journey with your son. He is very lucky to have a mom like you to look out for him and help him on his road to success. Be sure to tell him everyday how wonderful he is, even if it is a bad day. The school system will pull them down and make them feel they are not smart or talented when in fact they are both. It is the school system that lets them down in not teaching them in the way they need to be taught .
Melissa’s Mom[/b]

JenM, that is bad news that the school system can delay that long. Would it help that my son is already diagnosed with ADHD? Would they have to test him sooner in that case? We did that outside the system. Insurance didn’t pay, either. The LD testing would be another $450, plus whatever therapy they recommend.

I wonder if the money would be better spent on some kind of counseling…I know I probably need to talk to someone about the frustration and grief I feel…and the lack of support from husband. He sees that our son needs help but really wants him to learn to survive in the system that we have. I want to change the system so other kids won’t have to go through this, but he calls that “tilting at windmills.” So I think we could use some counseling. Also our older son has done some real bullying in the past (he was bullied himself in private school from 2nd gr. to 5th) with his brother and I’d like to see that cleared up. The current psych. doesn’t really do any therapy, just asks a few questions to see if the meds are working OK, and adjusts the dosage if not. (Which again is always a tension for DH because he thinks we are just doping our son to try to get him to behave. Yet he won’t provide any alternatives…sigh…)

Well, it would be nice if DH would get tested but he thinks I just see the problems in everyone and that he doesn’t have a problem. In fact he thinks the world would improve if everyone worked as hard as he does. He does work hard, but he is not particularly tolerant of other people’s wishes and needs. He is not hyper but he is fidgety - he picks things up and fiddles with them all the time. It is what we’ve always called “nervous energy.” He has to have projects going at all times, can’t stand just sitting around. Now that I think about it, maybe he does have ADHD! :lol:

The one thing he is good about is doing anything for Jonathan that I think will help him, such as testing, classes, etc. He is not stingy with resources and he does truly love the boys.

Melissa’s mom, your daughter is fortunate that you can take the long view and help her through the tough times. It’s good that she’s hanging in and trying to do better in school. No school is made for our kids! Even college, although they do have more freedom, is still not set up for their way of doing things. Well, they can change the world once they get through the hoops! We have the same situation with our son being in a private school and not having friends in the neighborhood. It’s a real trade-off.

For some reason, though we live in a very large city, it is not easy to find dedicated ADHD resources. If I could get a degree quickly, I’m sure I’d have a large client base in either coaching or counseling for families! But the best would be to be a reformer of the schools, and change things so that our kids and kids who come after wouldn’t have to go through the testing and medication and feeling dumb just because they don’t fit into the systems.

Boy I have a lot to say. I do think I am going to look for someone who can give us some more down-to-earth help, either training or counseling or something.

And I am trying to tell him at least once a day that I love him, that he is a great gift from God, and that he is going to do just fine even if he does get a failing grade on his math test. After all, who ever asks you about the time you bombed a 4th grade math test??? Just insanity for this to affect our kids’ self-esteem when it isn’t even important!!

JB

Sorry to jump in late here - hope I’m not redundant with what everyone else has said!

We had our dyslexic/quirky child in a social skills group that was facilitated by an MSW. It was great and helped him build skills that he was slow to develop at that time. And my insurance covered part of it. I found the group from his speech therapist. I also know some LD schools sponsor social skills groups so that is another avenue. The key thing for us was that the kids were equally high function, but had different issues: one was hearing impaired, one had ADHD, one APD, and then my son.

We also had our son in therapy for his anxiety, and I have spoken to a therapist myself for my own concerns about parenting an LD child. These 2 professionals have been very valuable to our family and given my husband and I a way to develop strategies. Again some, not all, of the expense of these services were covered by insurance.

We’ve tried a bit of behavior modification at home, and my son’s therapist has worked with his teachers to set up a system as well .

I’m a believer in good therapy!

Karen, you are most certainly*not* redundant! I like the “quirky” label - until all these “disorders” came along, that is what kids like ours would have been. Not deficient, just different.

Where would I find these MSWs or LD schools? The phone book? Should I call some OTs or Speech Therapists at random? I don’t know anyone right now who is dealing with the same sorts of things, so I will be taking a stab in the dark.

Our insurance will cover part, but we will probably have to pay and then be reimbursed. If I can find the right person I think it will be well worth it, even if I have to scrimp in other ways. There are just so many issues that I feel completely overwhelmed by, and after next year, our son will be in *middle school!* That will be another set of issues entirely. I can’t imagine how he’s going to cope with so many teachers and so many different sets of expectations.

But I won’t borrow trouble for now. Thank you so much for your reply and support. Just knowing I am not alone is so helpful. (sighs in relief)

JB

I don’t know where you are in texas but the Shelton school is highly thought of for children with reading disabilities. here is a web site with some schools listed - but its not a complete list at all . My son currently attends an amazing LD school that isn’t on the list, but I know they serve as a resource for the community at large and are very knowledgable about these issues. That’s why I thought of this school for you as a place to find good people.

http://www.ldresources.com/resources/k-12.html

The way I found my network of providers was an initial recommendation for a speech therapist from my pediatrician. Not a referral for who was in network insurance wise, but who he thought was good at what she does. She pointed me in the right direction for the social piece when we needed it.

I know many on these boards have found resources through local hospitals as well.

We’re in Houston. I see there are several possibilities and I am going to make note and start calling Monday morning. Seems like Dallas has even more choices!

Thanks again for the help!

JB

Check out this book ” Jarvis Clutch, Social Spy”, written by Mel Levine. It teaches teenagers how to look for social cues etc. Also have you checked out to see if your son has NLD/NVLD (Non Verbal Learning Disabilities). Checkout these links.

www.nldontheweb.org/about_nld.htm
www.nldline.com
www.tonyattwood.com.au

It can also co-exist with ADHD. - Medication doesn’t help NLD.

Wow! I had no IDEA Mel had written a book like that! I absolutely devoured his books on how the mind really works. I will check that out on Amazon. Thanks for the links, too. I’m going to look into it. I have no idea if our son has non-verbal LD. He can read aloud like nobody’s business. Has more vocabulary than kids his age. Yet sometimes struggles with comprehension and written instructions.

Thank you SO much! (I can’t do the BB code, or it would be in bold!)

JB

1. Social skills help - Has anyone used a professional and did it help? Are there other aids I can buy and use at home? I see that there are CD-ROMs and some videos. How have any of you helped your ADHD social skills-deficient kids?

We sent our son to a play group run by an occupational therapist whose interest was developing social skills. It didn’t hurt - I think it helped.

2. Does behavioral training work and who would I contact to get help with that?

I’m not familiar with that per say. Around here such things are wrapped into therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

3. How about family counseling to help fix the problems that we have due to the ADHD and the stress of that?

If you can afford it and find your way to the right person, it might help. It helped us.

Any success that you can share? How long did it take to get benefits? What kind of professional did you see?

What helped us most was finding our way to a pediatric neurologist who put our son on Ritalin and oversaw our son’s care for a few years.

Are you in touch with your local C.H.A.D.D. chapter? You might find their literature or their support groups helpful.

Good luck.

Thanks for the tips! It seems as if OTs are mentioned more often than other professionals for social skills training.

We really can’t afford *not* to seek help - I think there are some residual emotions and resentments that need clearing up. It will hopefully help us all communicate our needs better too. Of course we are working with the boys all the time, but I can use the support. Did you see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other type of counselor, if I may ask?

Yes, I belong to CHADD. There are some active chapters a fair distance from our house. I get their magazine and have found it a great read.

Thanks again for the help - I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

JB