We are struggling with launching our 18 year old w/ ADHD (inattentive, impulsive) and LD (organizational, NVLD).
* Good news: Graduated from HS; got 2 awards for academics.
* Bad news: Is struggling w/ job as camp counselor and wants to come home after 2 weeks. His leave-taking en route to camp was so brutal—shouting matches, refusal to do the most basic helping-out things (left his room and car a disgusting mess)—that we are beside ourselves at the thought of his coming home.
* Complicating factors: This is a sweet kid who can be (and has been) explosive and impulsive when things don’t go his way (shouting swear words at us, yelling he hates us and that we don’t understand him). He has great difficulty persevering when things are hard. His social skills w/ others could be better. He has high expectations of what we can/will provide him (use of car and internet, expensive educational counseling, high degree of attention in the midst of a 5-person family). He insists strongly on doing things his way—is determined that he wants to pursue an expensive sport in order to play in college; is planning to take a year or two off before going to college (a plan we have supported) but struggles to put in the necessary time to make the experience successful for him.
He has resisted therapy (family or individual) several times (went but didn’t really participate); attended an LD resource room in high school but doesn’t really accept or understand his LD/ADHD issues.
Sounds like the camp he’s working at (he attended as a camper for last 2 years) is providing too little orientation/training for him and other counselors; we can understand his worry and the feeling that the responsibility is too much given resources available to him. But he refuses to talk with any of his bosses about it—just wants to come home. A last-minute plane ticket home will cost nearly $800; he’ll lose the $2,500 he was going to make in wages.
In the 2 weeks he has been there, he has used up a 360 minute phone card, checking in with us several times (he’s been feeling guilty about how he left home) but primarily talking to his girlfriend. The first we heard of his great unhappiness was last night—and he’s furious that we want him to strategize with us about a way he could improve the situation and stay.
We worry about whether he is in over his head; sounds like camp administration is lacking. We worry if he comes home without trying to improve the situation it will affect his sense of efficacy in the future. Worry that he’ll come home and our lives will be miserable again. Worry that—because he was supposed to be saving money toward paying for a room away from home in the fall—his financial situation will put a greater burden on us. Not just financially, but in terms of entangling us further with him when he wants so much to be independent. Worry about the relationship with the girlfriend—we like her very, very much—but it seems to us the constant phone contact is adding fuel to the fire of his discontent at camp.
Attempts to work out contracts with him in the past have not been very successful.
Advice?
Our sincerest thanks; we are struggling.
Reluctant teenage camp counselor
I can understand your reluctance to have him home but that reluctance is not the reason he should stay at camp. What’s best for him to do? Clearly that would be to find a way to make the situation work but it sounds as if he’s in a bit over his head or…. he didn’t want to be there in the first place.
A girlfriend at home is a powerful draw to be home and I’m wondering if that was why he was shouting when he left and why he really doesn’t want to try to work out the situation at camp. How long has he had this girlfriend? Is she new to the scene and was the decision about camp made before he was dating her?
But first I’d ask him directly - is this really because you never wanted to go to camp and wanted to be home with “Mary”? - and see what he says and go from there.
Who’s idea was it to work at the camp? His or yours? If it was his idea to go to camp, you could strike a deal with him - if he comes home, he must find work at home and pay you back the $800 plane fare. But if camp was largely your idea, and it’s truly not working out for him, such deals are difficult to suggest much less strike.
Good luck.
Help w/ launching 18 yr old son
Thanks so much for your responses. Camp was his idea, and something he really wanted. Girlfriend has been on the scene since January. There’s no question that she is a major reason why he wants to come home.
Here are some things I think about in terms of identifying what’s best for him:
* He has a problem with perseverence—whenever anything gets hard, he wants out. Is this a characteristic likely to be lifelong and we have to get used to it (related to the LD/ADHD), or is it developmental, and related to us helping him find out that perseverence CAN pay off?
* He started the phone call last night with an apology for how he acted before he left; by the time we were, in a very open ended way, asking what was happening, he was angry and saying we “weren’t supporting him.” I’m sympathetic to his anxiety—but I have too much experience being the brunt of that anxiety in the form of shouts and insults. Also, he has a history of agreeing to things, then not following through—which inevitably costs us money, trouble, time. That’s what life with kids is like—I know, I have 3 of ‘em—but I worry about the amount of enabling he is able to get us to do. Or maybe it isn’t enabling—maybe it is just a reflection of the issues that affect him related to the LD/ADHD? We want to support him, but not enable him.
*His view of how he would leave camp—that he’d pack his bags, tell administrators it wasn’t working out, and head for the airport— has some magical thinking involved. Camp is in the middle of nowhere—he has to get camp administrators to arrange to get him to the airport. The topic of why he’s leaving—which will cause them a staffing problem—will inevitaby come up. Is it too much to ask that he realize that, hard as it is, he’s going to have to talk with them anyway—and that he should leave the door open for them to make some fixes? Also, his brother and several kids from our town are due to arrive at camp in 4 weeks. If he’s going to leave, he needs to do it as gracefully as possible so as not to screw things up for his brother and friends.
Again, my thanks for listening and responding.
Re: Help w/ launching 18 yr old son
I have a 19 yr old who I suspect had ADHD; my 12 yr old is dx’d so I’m not just “talking’. It seems to be mild enough that it didnt rear its head until leaving high school and entering college(where he dropped out after three months-it was drop or fail)
First, bravo for letting him take time off! We regret not doing this and so does ds1. In DHs and my day, time off was a no-no. Common wisdom said go to college right out of hs or you wont go at all. Things are soooo different today with people of all ages and stages pursuing educations long distance, online, part-time. You have made a wise choice!!!
I think a lot of what you are seeing is adhd. But we dont always recognize adults with adhd because many have adjusted and learned to recognize their lack of follow through and tendency with boredom and work through it. As you said, this is a lifelong tendency
Point this out. Be blunt. He has trouble following through. He gets bored easily. He cant continue his life changing his mind and leaving-it is most likely NOT the particular circumstance so lets get realistic-quitting and coming home isnt an option-be grateful its only summer camp!!!
Has he had jobs before? How has this gone?
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Id personally make him stick it out and suggest he learn from it. This isn’t what he wants to do? Great, your next job will be something else. What is it thats bothering you? HOw can you avoid it next time?
Id be sure to accept his judgement that this isnt working;just dont take the next step to letting him come home
The phone card? OK, I know you’re upset. DS2 just ran up a 300 bill on his cell so I have BTDT
But this job and perserverance is the bigger issue. Chill out on the phone card and cheerfully purchase another(smaller amount perhaps with a clear date of when the next will arrive)
Id also ask if theres anything you can do to make his time easier. Can GF come up to visit when your younger son goes?
Its a difficult time and age. Mine is back in school for the summer-decided that factory work was NOT his calling and he will pursue at least a 2 yr degree.
Will he? I don’t know. I worry he will soon decide school is NOT his calling(again)and end up working for 6 months and then change again…..well, you get the picture. 4 yrs for a 2 yr degree. 8 for a 4 yr
We did learn something after losing mucho money to a good state University for that 3 month stint. Junior college is great for these kids. Cheaper and more flexible. We are making him pay for class out of his work money. When he passes, we refund the money(full for A/B, 50% for a C) He took English 101 in an early summer session and received a B :)
Re: Help w/ launching 18 yr old son
I also think I would make him stay—I think marycas is right on target. My children are too young for this issue but I have a brother in law who has been fired/quit every job he ever had. He has not worked in 7 years and he has a degree from U of Michigan. He takes care of the two kids now—but believe me he is not Mr. Mom. (He wasn’t working before they were born either—my sister was in denial at that time). My observation is that he just is incapable of toughing out normal job situations, doesn’t control his mouth, and is easily bored.
I don’t think these characteristics go away easily but an 18 year old is still capable of growth and change.
Beth
Re: Help w/ launching 18 yr old son
I tried to answer this before but wiped out the answer because it came out wrong.
I’m having my own problems with a young adult offspring who has the opposite problem, too independent, insists on going her own way and refusing help even in the areas where I am good and have experience. :(
I deal with young men all the time, tutoring students, college students, exchange students, nephew, and young working men as tenants, so have a lot of practice in this field. As I mentioned before I seem to attract LD - ADD guys like flies, something in the personality and lifestyle they find supportive I guess.
Looking back at a number of them, here’s what seems to work best most of the time:
Parents are often NOT the people to help (my own seems to have decided this). Parents often can’t help being enablers, as you have noticed and tried to avoid. Parents of course want to provide help and support and when the young adult is in trouble parents want to get him out of it. A young guy who depends too much on that will not learn to pull himself out on his own.
On the other hand, you want to keep the lines of communication open and be there for true emergencies. You certainly don’t want to disown the kid. This is a difficult balancing act! No simple rules, but keep your eyes and ears open and watch for hints whether it’s a real emergency or just a difficult learning experience.
Sending him away for the summer was probably a very good thing. From what you say maybe the distance was more than he was ready to handle or than was easy for you, but with a little extra encouragement he can probably rise to the challenge.
By the way, homesickness after two weeks up to a month is classic. When we had exchange students — much the same thing, very far away from home in a new living situation with new rules and responsibilities — the exchange organizations warned us that it was common, and would probably clear up by itself after the first month to six weeks. They told us the *worst* thing was for the student to keep constantly on the phone (or internet) to home or to hang around only with others from his home area. The best thing is to get him involved and very busy with activities and work of all kinds so he doesn’t have time to worry about it. If you know the camp organizers you can talk to them about this.
In order to change the situation, both parents need to be on the same page. If one enforces a decision and the other bends the rules to be “nice”, that’s the best lesson you can give a kid in how to manipulate parents and avoid consequences. So you and his father need to sit down and make up a plan beofre you talk to your son again.
Some suggested rules that I have seen work:
— He’s old enough to know that he can’t just yell abuse at other people — and no, family deserves *more* respect than outsiders for the love and care they give him, not less. Tell him that if he starts to yell *at you* — not complaints about the job and place, listen because these may be real, or they may be symptoms of something worse — but if the abuse is directed at you, then you will hang up the phone and he can call back when he calms down — or when he comes home you leave the room — and DO IT. Be firm with yourself and don’t enable his abusive language and behaviour. He’s old enough to take a deep breath and dial back. The only exception to this rule would be someone who is suicidal, but that’s apparently not the case here.
— Don’t enable him in an independently wealthy lifestyle. (Heck, who wouldn’t go for that?)
Make a strict rule that if he goes to school (not just registering but attending ALL classes and passing most of them) you will support him with room and board and books and *just sufficient* transportation and a *very* small amount of spending money.
If he doesn’t attend school you are still his parents and you will give him a roof over his head and enough (but not luxuries) to eat and wear and IF it’s convenient to you, you will give him rides to places, but nobody elected him king and gave him serfs to pamper him and pay tribute. He gets to do his own laundry and any off-hours cooking, and if he wants a car or computers or music or junk food or beer or the latest clothing fads, well he can earn some money and support the habit himself (including paying his own car insurance.)
From my experience, the sooner the parents (and teachers) inform an adolescent kid that he wasn’t elected king, the better for the adolescent.
— This doesn’t seem to be a problem for you now, but if it comes up, make it clear that if his decisions get him in trouble with authorities, he owns the trouble. You are his parents and of course will support him and if necessary get a lawyer etc., but you won’t lie for him or make promises or permanently do restitution (although you might cover a loan) for him; he has to straighten up on his own and live with his own consequences.
As I said, both parents have to be absolutely on the same page for this to work. If one parent hangs up when he’s abusive and then the other calls back and sympathizes with him, the situation is worse rather than better. If one parent says earn your own gas money and the other slips him fifty bucks, the situation is worse rather than better.
For the present time, first you as parents set the rules — and it wouldn’t hurt to write them down so everyone is on the same page.
Then you talk to your son and say you really want him to stay at the job and work it out.
Also, consider taking a holiday road trip to see him when you take the other son (much cheaper than air fare) and take the girlfriend for a visit with you. After all, you’re not trying to punish him or cut off his family and social support, just give him a push towards standing on his own feet.
But if he cannot stay and he comes back, he comes back under the new regime where he is expected to be working or go to school, he won’t be paid a high wage to do nothing.
Hoping this helps.
I’m not sure what I would do myself but I know what my husband would say. He teaches 9th graders. He feels that the sooner young people learn about responsibility the better. Sheltering him from adulthood will only prolong the inevitable crash later on. If he falls on his face now it will be sad but a lesson is always learned. This does seem to have worked for my nephew with ADHD/Bipolar. His mom couldn’t have supported him after the age of 18. He gave up State-funded college to live on his own. He’s had terrible room-mates and landlords. He’s been through several jobs. He went off all meds. This has been a 2 year ordeal. He just came home with his tail between his legs and an understanding that it is up to him to take care of himself and that family is important. He is back with Mom while he finds new housing and a job. He is so much nicer than he use to be. He’s like a young man rather than a rebellious teen. He’s talking about getting back on his meds. He’s thinking about how he misjudged friendships. I’m not sure what his future is but he definitely seems more-prepared to deal with adulthood now.
As a mom, I would be happy that your son is in a relatively safe environment. He’s only 18. He’s not with criminals. How clever of you to get him going into a relatively sheltered environment. I would probably be a little tough with him since he probably can learn something from this experience. I’d probably tell him that he is not allowed to come home until he gives it another 2 weeks of effort. It shouldn’t be too easy for him to come home. He also needs natural consequences regarding that phone card. He’ll need to find his own way to figure out how to budget his minutes.
Terry