Developing Social Skills

[quote=”Brokenheart Mom”]Our 12 year old son has Adhd and just graduated from Elementary School this week. He is very bright, sensitive, athletic, dry witted and good looking. I am terrified about him entering Junior High this fall. He made the triple AAA hockey team this past winter and although this should have been a wonderful experience- it wasn’t. He was bullied in the dressing room because he talked alot and talked about Has anyone had any success in improving their childs social skills and self esteem?????[/quote]

Yes but it takes time. I also sent my son to a play group run by a therapist teaching play skills such as not monopolizing the conversation. You might check it out on line “Collage” it was called and you might look for such a group in your area. And what about taking some classes outside of school such as computer classes for children? Such a structured setting can be a positive experience and allow friendships to form.

My own son’s social skills remained very awkward and immature through middle school but there he did find a small group of other boys who shared his awkwardness.

Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. What grade is your son in now? We have our son enrolled in a Christian summer camp for one week which is suppose to be good for building self esteem and he is also enrolled in a week of hockey school. Does your son have issues around monopolizing the conversation or irrelevant topics? Does the group of friends your son hangs around with also have adhd issues?

I remember going to the 7th grade guidance counselor at my son’s middle school and asking some of the questions you ask: Will he ever have friends? How can we help him diffuse the teasing? She told me not to worry about it, that he would snap out of it around 10th grade. I was so irritated with her, because her comments were so dismissive of the obvious pain he was going through!

A couple thoughts:

* Search the LDOnline site for info on social skills, especially for information that teachers and schools can use, and share it with the adults at school. It continues to amaze me that, despite all the time the best-intentioned teachers spend on IEPs, etc., that there is always more to learn. Building a partnership with them will help your son.

* There are a lot of anti-bullying programs around these days, and some are quite good. Encourage your school to use one.

* Find a support group or therapist who deals with these issues, to help you find solutions that will work for your whole family. My husband and I are always aware of just what you identified—the pressure these issues place on everyone—the child who is miserable, the siblings, the stressed parents. And even though my husband has a very busy job—mine is more flexible—he has been great about staying involved and learning more about our son, the school system, our son’s environment. That’s important—if one parent is the designated “solver,” it’s much more likely that the stress of disagreeing (for lack of understanding or familiarity) will be even more toxic to the family.

Keep looking for friends for your son, and don’t put too much pressure on him to be a friend in exactly the same way you might think appropriate. My son made a friend in his 9th grade carpool and the two of them have been fast friends since. When they are together, they often take “breaks” from one another—one will play on the computer while the other reads a magazine—then they go back to doing something together. It seems to work!

All the best to you—

Dear broken hearted-

It sounds like your son has alot of strengths on which to draw. I know in my community being an athlete is a big plus.

We did have our son (similar social issues) participate in a facilitated group with a few other children. It helped him develop some real day to day skills. We talk with him and role model as much as possible. He too has different interests than most of the boys his age, but we’ve been able to find those few kids with similar interests and have encouraged those relationships.