HOW DO YOU REMAIN CALM????

I don’t always remain calm, sorry to say. I am human and very imperfect.

It’s easy to come across on the internet as being a lot better than you are. It’s also easy for a book author to make himself appear all-knowing after the fact. In real life we just about all sometimes lose it.

Actually, I sometimes wonder of calm isn’t over-rated.
My side of the family has the temperament of pig-headed mules. One relative by marriage is nearly a saint; she has put up with her husband from my side for thirty years which is proof enough. Unfortunately the son took after his father. She tried kindness and reasoning, and it slid off like water off a duck’s back (having fun with agricultural mixed metaphors here but what the heck.) Anyway, the kid being smart and beyond independent, he learned very early to wrap mom around his finger and play her off against dad. He had a very difficult youth and missed his chance at an education, grade 10 dropout. Now as a young adult he is getting his act together, but what a waste of a good mind.
The other parts of the family that escalated the battle as necessary to get the kid’s attention have had somewhat better luck.
I think a lot depends on the temperament of the child — and in our case the temperament is visible within days after birth, definitely hereditary and nothing to do with the environment. Some kids respond well to calm, some manipulate you like crazy, and some don’t even notice your attempts to guide them until you get pretty darned forceful.

ALWAYS to be controlled by an adult thinking mind and to stop yourself before you get very far out of control of course.
The idea of giving yourself time-outs sounds like a really good one. I should have done that a few times.

One of many reasons I don’t do classrooms any more — I get too wound up with too many people playing attention-getting games at once.

Give yourself credit for doing the best you can and don’t tie yourself in knots for being unable to meet everyone’s expectations, expectations that are often contradictory. If you need help, certainly get it here or from counselling or whatever, but you do no good beating yourself up over every error and flaw.

Victoria is so right. It is so easy for things to come across so perfect in a book or through a message board. I know when I try to share my successes with others, that’s what I focus on, not all the times it doesn’t work. And that is what I always need to remember, it doesn’t work every time. What I must do for myself to keep myself in check (I tend to have an explosive temper, especially when we are going through the same senario for the millionith time, and that is probably only a minor exageration) anyway, I have to keep myself from reacting, and give my self time to stop and think and not fall into the same old pattern. For us, getting into my dd’s face, even if only for a brief time, would only serve to excalate the situation. I’m not so sure I could pull away so easily, and I’m not so sure she wouldn’t choose to then argue about the way I am talking to her. You may know the drill. The argument seems to always deteriorate into something completely unrelated to the original issue, and usually ends up personal, placing blame and fault, you said, you did, etc. If you keep focused on what you aren’t doing right, that will always be focus, instead think about all those times you did do things right, keep that in your mind, make that become what your mind sees first, and then maybe those will become your first reaction. I wish I could give you some magic answer, but I’m still looking for it.

Just yelled at my daughter in a restaurant!!!! All sorts of weird impulsive, hyper activity preceded. A lady behind us ended up with chocolate syrup in her hair when my daughter stretched and stuck her desert spoon in the madame’s enormous hair! Boy chocolate really shows up well on bleach blond hair. I wonder what will happen to all the crayons that fell into the heating vents when the heat comes on in the Fall. When my daughter pulled out her own hair band and dropped it into her milk I impulsively yelled her name. I was so embarassed that we both went out to the car for time-out!!!! It is kind of funny in hind-sight. What the heck was I thinking to take her to a restaurant anyway!

Terry

Well, you will get to laugh about this later.
But meanwhile you should be able to take her to a restaurant, that’s only normal.
How old is she, anyway? I forget, and it would make a lot of difference whether she is four or twelve.
Was there any cause or buildup, ie was she upset or exhausted or frustrated? Is she on medication that was running down? If not, you do need to work on public behaviour. I hear tell that there are groups that teach social skills — might be something that would help. Some people use a program of rewards, also might help.
Yelling your child’s name in a situation like this is only normal and a lot less disruptive than sitting and letting the situation go on :oops: . I’ve done a lot more than that in my time — and been severely criticized by total strangers for coming down to hard on my daughter, in this business you can’t win, but fight the good fight anyway.
If your child knows that you are afraid to do anything to make a scene in public, that gives her a blank check to go overboard without fear of consequences. Not that making a scene is good, but sometimes you get to weigh a short scene of you acting quickly against a long scene of her going all-out. Welcome to the Catch-22 side of parenting. :oops:

It was the end of a very big day and we didn’t have time to cook so we went out. We had to wait a typical amount of time to get served. She’s 8 and not on meds yet. Her 5 year old sister acts better in boring situations usually. She is a reader so I’m wondering if we need to have her bring a book along more often. She really didn’t do anything mean just ADHD stuff. She also is starting to put objects into her mouth again like a little kid. One of those little butter containers went into her mouth. That makes me fearful of her choking.

I wish that I had calmly got into her face and sternly told her that we were going into the car. One thing is that I have never spanked her from day one and I am really glad because I don’t think that I would be able to NOT spank in anger. Maybe I’m just a bit too impulsive myself.

Terry

I was at the pool the other day and another mom was there with her two kids and a friend. The younger child was acting a lot like my youngest. She put her hand in her older brother’s mouth and of course he bit her. She came screaming to her mother. Then she wanted her goggles back, even though she didn’t want them.

The thing that struck me was that the mom did all the things I would do but she did not yell. In the end, the situation did not really improve that much—much like with my kids on some days. But the mom was calm and not upset.

To me, that is a big difference. I can’t say I do it enough or I wouldn’t have been so struck by this mom.

Beth

End of big day, only age 8 — well, not the best situation. Yes, absolutely, bring a book (or a few books) in your car at all times and then she can always read something, a very good method.
I got interfering people making nasty comments because I corrected my child the second she started into something. The thing is, I know the energy level of my family and I knew that left alone she would escalate rapidly. If you make a point of stopping trouble before it starts, you will get a reputation of being terribly strict, but your kid will do better.
I am not always calm, but do my best.

go anywhere without a book…or at very least, a notebook and pen. I hate wasting time, and daydreaming is not enough to keep me from getting uptight. My child is not ADHD, but he’s active-brained like me. I can’t tolerate whining or nagging….so he never goes anywhere without a book/clipboard, paper, pen. Not ANYWHERE!

I’m a pretty calm mom — but I don’t think you folks who aren’t should beat yourselves up. One thing that makes me calm is that I only have one child! No fighting and teasing makes it MUCH easier. And my kid, while high maintenance academically, is VERY easy behaviourally — compare that to your lot, Terry! You should be commended that you did not fall into the spanking trap — I think that is excellent, and not easy to do, I’m sure.

But I come from a family of hot tempers, (my mom was a face slapper!) and I am NOT patient. I do lose it (verbally) occasionally — then I apologize and sometimes give a reason, or at worst say ‘there is no excuse for using that tone…but I’m tired, etc. and I messed up’. This is actually more helpful for ADHD kids IMO, than just being a calm temperament, cuz you model HOW WE ALL must behave when we lose it…being calm is NOT the only way to parent effectively…they will not turn into calm, patient-tempered people, so they will need skills to ‘make it better’ when they mess up, even more than most…

So remember that you may actually be at your best as a parent, even when you are at your worst!

I have a three year old and a ten year old. It gets so crazy that I don’t have time to do the simple basic things. I mean real basic things for myself. I know I will laugh at this when they get older! All I know is that they are all very different. Also, 90% of the time they act up when my mood is bad or stress level is high. We as moms need to remember to take care of ourselves.

All books about all things most often stress the need for calm - calm usually gets more done and causes less damage. But it’s hard to maintain calm in the face of some things. I took some time off from work during a crisis period with one of our sons once and found it did wonders for my ability to remain calm. Under my anger had always been the unspoken question - how can i deal with this new thing and get myself to work tomorrow too?

What also helped was the time my son himself told me - “I know you’re not only yelling at me but you’re yelling at the situation too but when you do thid it just feels like you’re only yelling at me” We developed some signals that I could use instead of yelling that would let him know I was reaching my breaking point - we all have them.

Sometime my husband and I take turns - when the phone call comes with the account of the latest ticket for speeding, I cannot take those phone calls - my blood boils and I will say awful things that leave a wake. When he’s overspent their allowance,though, he calls me - I can handle that but it drives my husband crazy. We all have our different breaking points.

But I think looking back what helped the most was that both my ADD sons were pretty articulate and one of them got to the point where he’d say - We need to talk about this calmly - yelling at me isn’t going to help’. Reminders can’t get any more direct than that. I hope they remember when they have children of their own.

Good luck.

I hope I don’t come off as a know it all, but I just finished a class that has really helped me and the kids. Part of what it taught was how to stay calm and gave an outline of a conversation to have with a child when they are exhibiting a behavior that is inappropriate. It has really helped us a lot so I thought I’d share.

I love…start with telling them how much they are loved. That usually puts the breaks on the behavior if for no other reason than they are shocked by the timing or at least mine are.

I see…tell them the behavior you see them doing.

I feel…let them know exactly how the behavior makes you feel be it sad, angry, upset, whatever.

Listen…ask questions to get them to talk about how they are feeling right then and maybe why this is happening, of course not that bluntly.

I want…tell them the proper behavior for the situation and that you want them to do that instead.

I will…tell them what you are willing to do to make sure they are successful, even if it is just watching out for signs of fatigue or stress that may be causing the behavior.

I have to think about doing this still, but I’m getting better at doing it consistently. It has cut down on a lot of arguments, especially with my teenager and almost a teenager. Hope this helps.

Well, I just demonstrated some pretty amazing self-control today and all week although there are a couple of people in the world who don’t see it that way right now. :x

I rented a room to a friend of my long-term tenant and took the new guy on his recommendation. Guy brought his girlfriend, smoked in the room and lied about it, promised to help with work and didn’t, left incredible filth, woke me up every night for a week — and then refused to pay his rent because I am a mean person who won’t leave them alone. I tried talking to them four times, raised my voice a bit twice (for which he threatened me) but managed to hold my temper, no screaming, no insults, no physical actions. I also talked seriously with the other quiet tenant who brought them here and asked him to think about it and try to communicate. Then they tried bad-mouthing me to my neighbours.

Finally I thought it over on Tuesday and weighed the pros and cons. I can hold my temper for another two-three weeks, and what will it get me? Will they pay the rent? No, they live in a world where they are doing a big favour to someone to pay for their lodging and they will always find an excuse to not pay. Will they help with the renovations as promised? No, they have had two weekends and a vacation in which all they did was get stoned. Will they learn to be clean and at least flush toilets? Fat chance, they think I’m crazy to care. Will they stop talking behind my back? Never, that’s their lifestyle.

OK, what am I getting out of this situation? High electric bills because they are only too happy to use every utility in the house (which, when I mentioned it, they said was not their business! Obviously a great lack of connection to the realities of adult life), no sleep, dirt and damage, and a lot of stress.

What will happen if I toss them out on their ears? A day of bad feelings — not much worse than I’ve been getting anyway — than peace and quiet and a chance to look for tenants who are fairly honest, and at least the electric bill will stop rising. Financially I’m better off with zero than with carrying them.

So this morning brought the police to the house and they were told to get out. I went and spent the morning chatting with the neighbours on their back porch and stayed entirely out of it.
No yelling, no insults, no fuss.
Although they stole another guy’s DVDs he left here and I’m going to give *him* their licence plate number to track them down … :evil:

My points here —

Although I am a person with a very hot temper and the ability to be physical, I have finally learned to step back from it.
How?

When the tendency comes to raise the voice and scream insults, leave the house. You cannot make things any better by digging the hole deeper. Leave, think it over, and talk later. Just leave.

Give it a reasonable number of tries over a reasonable amount of time. I gave them four discussions and two messages through the friend over ten days, which is reasonable.

If you do raise your voice, apologize even if the other person was pretty bad too. I did apologize to this guy, twice.
If they won’t take the apology, well, then time to think about your options.

When things are at an impasse, you’ve explained, you’ve apologized, you’ve tried to offer alternatives, go to a calming place — I use the car and the bookstore and the library — and sit down and weigh the pros and cons. Many people like to make a list on paper, and that’s a good thing. I do lists in my head but that is just me.

Once you have taken a really good look at the pros and cons and sorted out the reality from the guilt feelings and people using those guilt feelings to manipulate you, the conclusion is pretty obvious.
EITHER you are in a situation where your frustration has taken over from your sense and you need to back away from it, let it go, and let other people do their thing; OR somebody is using you for a doormat and it’s time to draw the line (my case here).

If it is really more you than the other person, which does happen to me fairly often, then think about how you can avoid setting up the situation for you to lose. Can you arrange physical separation, time separation, different (usually simplified) work organization, better rest for yourself, Or ??? Can you discuss with a neutral person (spouse, teacher, friend) the things that set you off and have that person work with the offender to stop these actions, not on the basis that they are wrong but as a favour to try to help make things better for both of you?

When you come to a really bad situation, get *out* of it and don’t let it become an issue of your temper. No point in putting yourself in the wrong. Get a spouse, a friend, a teacher, a counsellor, or in this case the police to take over. Say what you insist on as a final result, don’t back down from it, but don’t let it become a shouting match or a guilt-fest.

I feel good and sad reading all this for the first time. I used to be calmer,quieter and nicer before my son had ADHD.
I hate what I have turned into. the yelling, the spanking(to whoeveve said “at last your not spanking or something along those lines) I never wanted or thought I would scream or spank my kid and I just turn into a screaming lunatic when it comes to my 9 yr old.
he has 2 younger brothers and they see what he does and they have told hm he ai annoying, that theydon’t like him etc.. he acts like the youngest!!! I just get so discouraged that this is how he will always be and I can’t accept it just can’t. Academically he scores off the charts!! he reads level “z” this is past high school! he is only going to enter 5th. SO when I see how well he reads and gets it!! I just can’t understand why he doesn’t get the rest of life’s daily simple activities!
sharing,brushing your teeth, getting out of his siblings face,being obnoxious??
calm?? it has affect my health. I know my meighbors hear me yell and they look at me funny! I don’t care agree that if we were to trade places they wouldn’t last!!! But then again I notice he acts up more around me and this is what a lot of people have notice??
sounds like we all need hlep/support of some kind.. I am glad i found this forum!

I don’t care if you are the calmest person in the world, having a child with ADD, ADHD, or similar is enough to push any envelope.

I Thank God for my son! I have learned sooo much by having him in my life. Patience, compassion, empathy, sympathy, flexibility, stregnth and above all the true definition of unconditional love! I truly am a better person because he is in my life.

OK, I was caught in a good moment! Now all h– will break loose in my house, and I’ll have to remind myself of the above.

I was a really hot tempered person before my son and because of classes, books, behavior therapy to learn how to control him, it really helped me as well.

Many times I loose it and I’ll yell and end up dragging my son to his room ( because he won’t walk) I know when I remain calm and tell him I don’t like what he did and its not appropriate, even if I still have to drag him to his room, I feel better.It still escalates, but I remain in control. Add a sibling to the mix and AHHHHH!

My son goes to a social skills class weekly. I find this to be very theraputic for the parents. We sit in the waiting room talking, sharing experiences, laughing, crying and helping each other. Something everyone needs when you have a child like this.

When all else fails I find a glass of wine will always take the edge off!!!

Thank you!!!!!!!!!
I have gone to classes,workshops,therapists,psychologists..
I am from New York and I don’t know if yo are familiar with NYU Child Study Center. Well we are part of this and we went for a 10 week intense training (parents) it was wonderful. I have been tryin gto get them to reunite the parents now to see what strides the others have made. I have been able to get in touch with parent and it helps. i also am on the executive board of CHADD.Children and adults with ADHD. I get a lot of release and support here .I just feel so bad sometimes that the meds don’t work and then their are the doubts. How was your child tested and why are you asking bout biofeedbacK/ There is this other thing a therapist told me abotSIRR sensory something or another that I need to look in to as well.
next time I have wine I’ll make a toast that he is physically healthy and e greatful for that much ?? :P [/i]

OK so there is no solution to this. I am not the most patient person on most days. My son is ADHD and 12 as well. We have been in h___since April-well I have avoided it for the last 5 weeks because he was at camp for 3 weeks and then right to dad’s for 2 weeks. I am here because I almost dread his return on Sunday. My 11 year old daughter saves my sanity sometimes because I look at her having friends over, not throwing her sneakers, not screaming at her homework, etc. and realize that I am not a bad parent.

I once told the pediatrician that I can evaluate when his meds need to be increased because I call my doctor for a prescription for Xanax! Unfortunately they switched him from Adderall XR to Straterra, then after some incidents in school, settled on both but with his Adderall dosage at half of what it had been before. Why do they mess with meds when they are working? Yes they have to be increased once a year, but it worked. Now we are seeing a therapist alternately with a psychiatrist starting next week.

Anyone out there with a 12 year old-do they just go wacky because of the hormones or what? Does it settle down eventually? I am so afraid of seeing a psychiatrist because I’m assuming they are going to add MORE meds. I am a teacher and I’ve seen kids who are taking stimulants, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds all at the same time! It scares me to think of my 12 year old son taking more meds than my 85 year old grandfather.

He doesn’t have friends and then gets mad at his sister because she does. Then after he tries to strangle her I yell at him that nobody would want to be friends with him. That really fixes the problem.

Sorry guys, I need to vent. HELP?!

I would have to think that if hormones are kickin in it must have an effect. Asking a pediatrician would be your best step or someone with background on ADHD.
It is hard.. I look at my son and wonder will he ever be mature enough to just help out,simple things like rememebring to pick up stuff or put away his things etc..
Aderall was horribe for my son. It made him extremely emotional and violent. I took him off that in a heartbeat. he is on 40mg of strattera and up until yesterday 10mg of metadate.. it’s so-so.. not the best one yet.. I think he did better with reg. ritalin. but having to take it at school was a bummer.
the meds have to have an effect on their nervous system or especailly thier emotions.. it does not clean out of the system like most docs claim..
i’m at a lost . I just gotta find some other things like health stuff?
I started taking him off diary and color dyes..it’s no picnic he fights me onEVEYTHING!! I wish our relationship was better.
good luck to you all and just try to remember we gotta help these guys!! ..hehhe look who’s talking ! my husband had to ask me to leave the room yesterday cause My son and I were going at it again! :oops: urgh!!!!!!!! :oops:

Lulu:

You say that your child seemed to do better on regular Ritalin. Did you ever try straight Concerta or Metadate CD?

I don’t mean to hijack this thread, but thought you might want to consider, if you haven’t already, trying either of these meds if you aren’t happy with Strattera.

My son did extremely well on regular Ritalin thru elementary school but, like you, we wanted to eliminate the lunch time dose in middle school. For my son, Concerta was a failure, but Metadate CD was a success. (of course, it can vary from each child.)

Just a thought.

JulieinSC

Julien
yea.. tried ritalin la and concerta think they al wear off after a while and then he was on metadate long lasting right up to 1 month ago. He was like a zombie.
See everyone loves it like that. he is so quiet,so focused so out of trouble>
but then it’s his whole personality he loses it and then where is th little laughters? the little out bursts?? there has to be an “in between” ?? I may be fooling myslef because I only have 1 son who is 9 with ADHD and then I have aa 5 yr old and a 3 yr son who really suffer from their older brothers~ behavior.. they find it annoying, amusing, frustrating,funny you name it… it’s like living in a looney bin…………..
he does better without me he really does so maybe I trigger it?
you aren’t hogging the thread! we are here to voice all and hear all!
thank you

Most kids have more behavior problems with their primary parent (which is usually the mom, unfortunately for you!) I think it is because they feel safer with you, knowing that you love and accept them regardless of how they act. So it’s actually a sign that you did a good job in their early life being a trustworthy figure.

My oldest would always get good reports from friends’ parents and even from school, when he acted out like crazy at home. I asked him about this once. He said that his friend’s parents could throw him out if he acted up, but he knew he didn’t have to worry about that at home!!! (He was about 10.) I took this to mean that he was perfectly capable of behaving himself if properly motivated, and spent a lot of my time coming up with motivational schemes at home. (I am actually planning a book about all the ideas I have come up with.)

I also have discovered that some childen get a certain amount of enjoyment out of an argument - it is very STIMULATING, even if it is unpleasant. My oldest and my youngest both were very comfortable with anger, so me getting angry or upset was like giving them a 5 dollar bill every time they acted out. I had to learn to develop this ice cold persona I would put on whenever I had to discipline them. (Partly I learned this when doing residential treatement for distrubed kids. I sometimes wondered if my son should be enrolled!) I focused on the idea that 1) I can’t control my child’s behavior, but he can, and 2) I sure as heck can control my own behavior. I identified things that I did for him for free, and decided to make most of them conditional on good behavior. I used to give him “energy points” for helping add to or detract from my energy level. When he got below zero, I would do NOTHING for him until he had figured out a way to help me replenish my energy (like doing a job for me or giving me a neck rub or something on that order). The nice thing was, I was the only one who could determine if he was adding or subtracting from my feelings of being energized. Arguing with my decision, of course, was another negative point for draining my energy further. He had to learn to be more empathetic in order to earn points back, I got to stay calm, and he learned that I could not be taken for granted.

We get upset because we are feeling out of control of the situation. If you can outline some alternative strategies for those moments when you are about to lose it, you will stay in control and not inadvertently reward his misbehavior. We also made every effort to REWARD the positive behavior by doing things he wanted. The key to me was focusing on things that I control, rather than thinking I could force him to do anything against his will. As long as I had these alternatives in mind, it was easier to stay calm. I’m not saying I didn’t lose it now and again, and regret it later, but this approach really helped. We never used medication or diet changes or herbs or neurofeedback - just applied this basic approach. By the time he was in high school, no one thought he was ADHD at all. And our youngest, who was cut out of the same cloth, got this treatment from much earlier in his life. He is now 8 1/2, and doesn’t really look like he has “ADHD” most of the time. Still very active, but I don’t have anything like the same kind of discipline problems with him.

I hope that is of some help. Feel free to contact me if you want more specific ideas for your situation.

I’m not sure there is an easy way to apply what helps me to the average Joe(or Josephine), but, even on our kids’ absolute worst days, remember that there are parents dealing with far worse situations

I do Early Intervention services which puts me in direct contact with babies who were born with missing brain halves, kids who are dx’d with conditions that guarantee they will not make it to their 4th birthday, severe autistic kids with absolutely no communication ability, 3 yr olds who will never walk, speak, or receive nutrition by methods other than a feeding tube….

The Welcome to Holland piece always brings tears to my eyes, but remember, this was written about a child with Down’s Syndrome.

Granted there are days we worry about our kids making it to adulthood because we fear we may kill them first, but, realistically, we are not agonizing over which of their siblings we will ‘assign’ our ADHD kid to-to care for and financially support after we’re gone.

We ALL have frustrating days when our lot seems awful-I do-and it’s great we have this board to come to for ‘tea and sympathy’

But if you ever get to the point where you just can’t shake it even after posting here, drop in at the NICU or peds ward of your local hospital. Volunteer to help out with Special Olympics or an agency that helps developmentally delayed adults.

I was shocked to find out I could be a parent liaison because, by definition, I have a disabled child! I do???? I just dont feel that I can claim that title compared to what I see out there :(

[i]Steve..you put it all so easy and really on the nose.
especailly the stimulating part! I do believe that they wait for it or expect it.
I’m always reading on ADHD and keep us posted when you publish your book.
It is wonderful to hear a man’s opinion. thank you
I will write more tomorrow..[/i]

Hello all, I’m new to this forum but unfortunately not new to the issue of this topic. :? I’m so glad to have found you all and hope to become involved in your community here.

at this point what is most important to me is that my son is only going to remember all the negative things that I say to him. Than his brothers an me say to him.
I have been calmer but still very critical and it’s just never ending. I swear he only get me going at a pace where no more can tolerate what I have to . He pushes every single button in my body.
we just got back from Hershey Park… and it was just exhausting . He is on Strattera 40mg and schools starts in 1 week. I’m dreading it..
I just feel like any joy this child of mine can give me is tainted with all the the things he does to just get me going! sigh!!!

Well, as a Mom of an 8 (about to turn 9) ADD DS, I feel your pain!. I also have an ADHD 6 year old DD.

I really don’t think I have anything to say that could possibly improve on all the great info you’ve gotten.

Last year between school problems and his attitude, I was ready to leave. My DH travels for a week at a time - up to 3 weeks a month. I felt like a single parent 3/4 of the time. I was overwhelmed.

I decided this summer to relax and ignore them. Not easy for me to do as an ADHD adult. (When they go off on their tangents it’s like needles are going off all over my skin. It’s overwhelming to my senses. I can explode in verbal anger.)

I have tried all the tactics in the books and on the shows. My children don’t have that ONE single item you can take away - they just turn their attention to a new one. I actually have removed ALL toys from their rooms so that they could earn them back. Lasted two weeks and they improvised with scratching on the walls and making things with the carpet (separating the carpet pile to make the drawings or roads or….). They can ALWAYS find a way to entertain themselves…sigh….

So…if I wanted to keep some type of sanity and not have the CPS take them away, I thought I had better learn to change myself. I started with learning to read a book while all hell was breaking lose around me. Yes, I read the same sentence over many times before I would get back into the book. It was amazing…when they realized I wasn’t paying attention to them, they quieted down…??? Well, this didn’t resolve all the problems.

Since both my children seem to have melt downs before dinner, I would give each of them one healthy snack and then send them to their rooms the minute we got home from daycare. They would cry, stomp, scream and bang their way to their rooms. I would then make them close their doors so they couldn’t irritate each other across the hallway. Ahhhhh, peace (not quiet)….I could watch the news for about 30 minutes before the first one broke the rules and left their rooms to find out when dinner was ready. This gave me time to get dinner moving.

Amazingly, this started working too. They couldn’t come out of their rooms for dinner until they were quiet, calm and ready to sit down and eat without ANY complaint. Hmmm….took a few nights but it worked. Dinners were quiet, calm and even funny. My 9 year old would have to go back to his room if he bugged his sister or got out of his chair. My 6 year old would have to go back if she whined, complained or got up from the table. Several more nights and these problems eased up.

I don’t know what the difference is, but since I decided that they WOULD NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS life has been easier. I’m like Steve in that I’ve gotten this look of cold ice with no expression. They hate it!!! I’m the meanest mom in the world.

Well, we’ve been in school for almost a month and even that’s been better. I’m scared I’ll jinx it by telling anyone. My friends and co-workers say I’ve been less stressed lately and my husband thinks I’m less grumpy. Maybe it really was up to me all this time. We’ll see as the year progresses.

This is a good thread with a lot of good advice! I tend to be patient but there are certain things that really get me! My younger adhd daughter can be verbally abusive and very irritable at times. I’ve found that if I don’t tolerate it at all that it helps. The minute she starts I tell her that she has a choice. She can stop talking like that or leave the room. If she doesn’t stop I make her leave the room. I’ll start counting and then she goes. Often screaming but it separates us. She will usually calm down on her own and then we can talk. But I’ve found that if I don’t even talk to her when she’s like that we do better. This way I don’t even get wrapped up in what she’s saying. I have found at times that she is seeking stimulation and I try my best not to give it to her in those type of situations. It’s not that I ignore her, I just tell her I can’t talk to her when she’s like that. Although I will ignore the tantrum unless she starts breaking things or hurting herself. Later on she’s very apologetic.

My older adhd daughter drives me nuts because she can be so flaky. A very intelligent girl that is extremely forgetful and impulsive! She’s the one that will make me crazy!

But, it’s their fighting that’s the worst. It’s gotten better but now I know why I never wanted to take them out! We had our Friendly’s incident once where a french fry landed on somebody else’s plate in a different booth! This is an area that I am still working on patience and staying calm!

I feel on the edge of calm lately but managing. Today is the first day of school and I have mixed feelings of anxiety and relief. I’m hoping that some time to myself and getting the house back in order will allow me to feel more calm with the children’s issues.

Jen, I hope that you will be able to laugh about the french fry some day!

Terry

I’ve been away from the bulletin board for a while—now, in addition to our nine and a half year old son, my husband and I have an 8 week old baby boy. I like what Victoria wrote about temperament early on this thread. It’s so true! The baby is like a rerun of son #1—generally happy as long as he’s being held, but God help you if you put him down and attempt to shower, eat, clean, etc. And these traits appeared before we’d even come home from the hospital.

Anyway, reading all the posts on this thread has been a real sanity saver now that the school year has begun and all the hassles with homework, getting up and out in the morning, getting to bed at night, etc. have intensified. Sometimes with the baby screaming and son #1 acting up, I just lose it. And I’m generally a fairly patient person. I always apologize afterwards, but I just hate the conflicts and the nagging I seem to have to do in order to get anything done. I also feel badly because in the heat of the moment it’s easy to forget all the good things son #1 has done and can do. And almost all of the disciplining, enforcing of rules, monitoring of homework, etc. falls on me because my husband just does not have the stomach/patience to deal with it.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and ideas!

Victoria (in Southern Indiana)

Lost Mom—you don’t sound very lost to me. I have come to the point of realizing that I have to change. I have tried everything in the book with my youngest and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. He enjoys getting people agitated. What I want to know is how you do it. My two youngest fight like cats and dogs and one of the always seems to get hurt. Do you just pretend it isn’t happening? The youngest basically does something to make the middle one mad…and then he strikes back. This is the standard mode of operation for the youngest.

This morning, for example. The middle one was carrying his backpack down the steps, not zipped up. His stuff came out and his tennis shoes (which were in his hands) went flying. The youngest laughed and grabbed the shoes and ran off and hid them.

I thought your idea of sending them to their rooms before dinner was brillant.

Beth

P.S. I do not recommend living in a hurricane zone with ADHD type kids. I was never so glad to have school back in session after six days home with them!

My son is autistic and if I raise my voice to him I will lose him entirely to a totally nuclear meltdown. What works best for us is for me to very consistantly let him know that he gets to make the choice… listening to me or not earning his privledges. All privledges are earned. Computer time, television programs, trips, toys, etc… are not rights but privledges. Now, that being said… I pick and choose my battles very carefully. I do not battle over things I am not willing to go to the mat over. My son understands that when I say something is not negotiable, I mean it. I’m not mean. There are plenty of things I don’t choose to go to battle over at all. I do not argue with my son because it would be a waste of time… he does not lose well. I just tell him what his choices are and he is in control of the outcome. Fortunately for me, there are a lot of things he likes to do so earning priveledges is a big motivator for him. The privledges are not always very concrete. I can say, “you’ve been being so good,” “you really worked hard on your homework,” “you were so nice to your friend” or “you were very helpful cleaning up,” followed by “let’s do something special” or “let’s go get that treat you’ve been wanting.”

On the other hand, some of his choices have been things like, “do you want to get on the bus yourself on do you want me to pick you up and put you on it?” (And I have had to follow through with puting him on the bus with him kicking and screaming as I put the restraints on him).

We started this process early because he was very out of control. And in the beginning he didn’t even understand enough language to know what I was saying. It wasn’t easy. But in some ways I’ve had it easier than a friend of mine who is just realizing she has a child who is hyper and oppositional. It’s going to take her a long time to convince him that she means what she says if she starts forcing him to make choices now. I knew early on that I could never give in or my son wouldn’t learn the rules of the game. It’s not the kind of mother I saw myself being. It’s the kind of mother I had to become for my son.

And as I told my friend… it is what’s worked for us. I have no idea if it will work for her.

All of the kids in my family are born with a very definite temperament — my five DAY old, just out of the maternity ward, refused absolutely to sleep in a crib with padded sides - had to have a sight line to see what was going on, especially mother. Luckily most of us have the same temperament and can deal with it. The one relative by marriage who is just the nicest person in the world had a hard time with her son who takes after his dad, alas.
You have to be definite, clear, and firm. Ignore the nice advice from friends, relatives, magazines, and random people in the park who come up to tell you how to raise your children — by the time my daughter was twoI found the answer: I offered to rent her to them for a day or two, and boy do they leave fast.
Being clear and definite and firm is NOT being mean! It’s the kindest thing you can do for your children, to teach them how to get along in society and not be outcasts!
When a difficulty occurs, try very very hard to step back and look at it from all points of view. Is there a third option that would satisfy both sides? Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn’t. Example: my daughter loves to read and learn, and like the rest of us absolutely hated fill-in-blanks type of drill. When she had homework, I let her figure out a time to get it done. I’m talking age 7 here but she is extremely independent. Watching my work habits, she copied me and set her alarm earlier in the morning and got the distasteful stuff out of the way quickly. A lot better than a nightly fight, and I didn’t care as long as she did enough to stay out of the teacher’s radar.
Does the child understand what is being asked and why and what the limits are? Example: If they understand that it’s just one hour to wait, and you can be depended on to take them where they want after that hour, waiting is easier. Be definite and firm with yourself too, and keep your promises. Of course this depends on age and maturity; some things can’t be explained and “because I said so” is necessary at times.
If you can’t find a way out, is it really a life-and-death matter? Example: my daughter dressed herself from 18 months and did all her own bathing and hair-washing and almost all personal grooming from age 4 up — independence and a tactile thing. She had long hair which I sometimes combed or braided if necessary but that was all, and well she didn’t always scrub the shampoo as much as I would have done, but again better than a daily fight. Time-saver too.
And when it is vital, well, go into the battle intending to win. Don’t take no for an answer, don’t take excuses, don’t let the rules get bent until they snap, don’t let “just one more” slide by. At first this is hard, but in the end much easier because when people know you mean what you say they cut back on the games. Of course your spouse and other caregivers have to not undercut you — talk it over with them, and again offer full responsibility for a day or two if they refuse to see the need or play good cop to your bad cop.

[quote=”Beth in FL”] He enjoys getting people agitated. What I want to know is how you do it. My two youngest fight like cats and dogs and one of the always seems to get hurt. Do you just pretend it isn’t happening? The youngest basically does something to make the middle one mad…and then he strikes back. This is the standard mode of operation for the youngest.

[/quote]

Consider oppositional defiant disorder. Consistently doing things for the purpose of annoying others is one of the criteria. If ODD is present, you probably will need professional help in the form of behavioral therapy to really see a difference. Of course, there are other criteria for the diagnosis and your child may not have them, but you may want to look into it.