HELP- NO ONE CALLS MY SON!!!

Two books which really helped me with my children were Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman…. and 7 Habits of highly effective teens by Sean Covey….

I had to remind myself that I couldn’t “fix” their problems but I could facillitate discussions and role play with them to help them work through them. I also eliminated some of the computer time and would do things with my kids take them outside for walks, got them involved in swimming surfing, bowling, skating, hiking. You know what things you can do as a family and have conversations with him. I learned if I kept my kids busy this kept them from dwelling on their situation and I taught them what they could do to change it…

here is a clip off the web about the Emotional Intelligence… book… http://www.wcdd.com/dd/brain/reviews/emotintel.html

Until recently, Daniel Goleman tells us in Emotional Intelligence, the role feelings play in the everyday life of human beings has been largely unexplored in carefully designed research studies. Feelings were acknowledged, but there was little comprehension of the underlying role emotions played in how successfully we managed our lives.

For example, in the case of hurtful actions, the excuse might be given that emotions were running high, but the assumption was that our brains absorbed information from the environment and our emotions followed. We might be letting our emotions control our rational actions, but research didn’t look much beyond these kinds of observations. In fact, Goleman tells us what may actually be happening in some cases is not that our emotions are running high, but rather our lack of emotion may be the problem.

From the latest research on the human brain, Goleman tells us that we really have two different ways of knowing, intellecutally and emotionally, and our mental life results from the interaction of both functions. This dichotomy, he tells us, “approximates the folk distinction between ‘heart’ and ‘head’; knowing something is right ‘in your heart’ is a different order of conviction — somehow a deeper kind of certainty — than thinking so with your rational mind.” (p. 8). Goleman explains how some emotional impressions and memories can elicit reactions from us without any conscious, cognitive participation, and this is particularly true in emotionally charged situations.

Rather than ignoring emotions, Goleman suggests we need to bring intelligence to emotions. Only with emotional intelligence can people:

motivate themselves to persist in face of frustration,
regulate their moods and delay gratification,
regulate their moods and keep distress from swamping their ability to think, and
emphathize and hope.

Goleman reviews studies which show that the signs of emotional intelligence begin showing up in very young children. He describes observations of children who can very skillfully go up to a group of youngsters and enter into their circle. Socially unskilled children — and these are those without a high level of emotional intelligence — seem likely to barge into such a group of youngsters, unaware of the feelings of the others, and as a result, become ostracized rather than welcomed.

Those we consider successful in life are most often those who can develop and maintain intimate relationships, work well with others, and be good parents. Indeed, managing the emotions to overcome chronic anger and anxiety is critical to remaining physically healthy.

The good news, Goleman tells us, is that these skills can be taught to young children. The problem is that these skills must first be recognized by parents and teachers as valuable and worth adding to the educational curriculum. Goleman gives detailed recommendations for how parents and our schools can help children develop the ability to manage both their emotions and their rationality, nurturing emotional intelligence. end of quote from web

and I also had him read a book by Sean Covey called….7 habits of highly effective teens…here is a little snipit about the book…
Product Description:

Based on his father’s bestselling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Sean Covey applies the same principles to teens, using a vivacious, entertaining style. To keep it fun, Covey writes, he ‘stuffed it full of cartoons, clever ideas, great quotes, and incredible stories about real teens from all over the world… along with a few other surprises.’ Did he ever! Flip open to any page and become instantly absorbed in real-life stories of teens who have overcome obstacles to succeed, and step-by-step guides to shifting paradigms, building equity in ‘relationship bank accounts,’ creating action plans, and much more.

As a self-acknowledged guinea pig for many of his dad’s theories, Sean Covey is a living example of someone who has taken each of the seven habits to heart: be proactive; begin with the end in mind; put first things first; think win-win; seek first to understand, then to be understood; synergize; and sharpen the saw. He includes a comical section titled ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Teens,’ which includes some, shall we say, counterproductive practices: put first things last; don’t cooperate; seek first to talk, then pretend to listen; wear yourself out… Covey’s humorous and up-front style is just light enough to be acceptable to wary teenagers, and down-and-dirty enough to really make a difference. (Ages 13 and older) review by —Emilie Coulter

Sounds like a good book for adults too. After all adults are just refined teenagers right? I think I’ll order it for myself!
Terry

We live in the country so we wouldn’t tend to get that many social calls no matter what. My daughter with ADHD seems to thrive on activity so I have her involved with tons of activities. Swimming, Art camp, theater camp, trips with grandparents, pottery, play dates with very old reliable friends etc…. She hasn’t had much time to groove on bad experiences. One day will be not socially-rewarding but the next day will with a different peer group. We talk about the bad days (to learn) but not so much that she is getting terribly depressed about it.

Terry

Another good book for teens is “Jarvis Clutch, Social Spy” by Mel Levine. You can get it on his website www.allkindsofminds.org

The teen years are hard ones and middle school perhaps the hardest of all. These days some teens work hard to adopt the stance, manner and dress of adults -childhood is sadly over early in these modern times - and it can leave children like your son feeling on the fringe. I wouldn’t hesitate to talk with him about the ‘fast pace’ of growing up that some teens do - he doesn’t need to see that as more ‘normal’ than his path through adolescene. Those same teens who live in the fast lane will be smoking shortly and can be experimenting with drugs shortly after.

What got my own awkward son through were a few other friends who like him were far from the fast lane. They bonded around their interest in science fiction and lack of success with girls. It can also help to have activities on the outside of school where the ‘pecking order’ isn’t established. One of my sons took aikido on the outside of school which helped him face the issues in school.

It can also help to not wait for the phone to ring but to proffer invitations yourself. We’d encourage our son to invite friend to the movies with pizza at the house first and I’d make myself extra available to drive both ways something the busy families of the other boys very much appreciated. It’s rare that your son would be the only one feeling lonely - sometimes a helpful teacher can point out possible friends.

Good luck.