I am hoping to get some advice from you all. My daughter 5th grade (mostly language based problems) has been very difficult and moody lately. The recent thing was she was upset at herself because I was upset at her for not doing her work with the tutor in the morning. Later that day when I went to pick her up from day care I was told she had been in the bathroom with a friend and had tried to put a shower hose around her neck (according to another 5th grader). When I talked to her later she said she was upset but did not say she was trying to hurt herself. Next day went fine at tutor but later on that night her friend’s mother called to say that a note was found at the daycare and according to her daughter it said my child wanted to choke herself and then proceeded to ask my child over for dinner.My child said she didn’t write a note and that she couldn’t spell it anyway. I saw the note which was actually from her friend saying she was sorry to my child for ruining her playing with a soccer ball. These two were in the same resource room together during the school year and they were having problems there also. My child has been complaining for months about this friend. She says she is bossy,cries easily, says inappropriate things,calls and leaves 2 to 3 messages on our machine, and on a 2 hour field trip kept hitting her. I am asking for suggestions for how the 2 girls can work it out,as when my child says how she feels her friend goes off and cries and my child feels bad but her friend still continues same behavior.
Re: friend problem
My first inclination is like that of Beth. Hitting is really unusual for girls of this age. I don’t think that bullies should be tolerated. Your daughter is worth more than that. That is a great lesson in self-value.
Could it be possible that the truth is still unknown though? Does your child exaggerate sometimes or have misunderstandings easily? If you think that the friendship is worth saving you may need to invite the girl over and observe things first-hand. It could be your own social-skills training session. If you can’t get the girl over then you could call the Mom and say that the girls are having some problems with each other socially and you would like to work with her to help the girls find a way to solve their issues. Make it clear that you are not calling to tattle or criminalize her daughter. If the Mom acts like a bully herself or is not interested in teaming with you then I would anticipate that your child’s friend might not have a good role-model and chances of working things out might be slim. Also, you wouldn’t want your child associating with that parent.
Terry
Re: friend problem
I don’t think her friend hits her on purpose. Her friend is overactive. I had suggested to my daughter that she take a fidgit puzzle with her on that field trip, but my child didn’t want to. This friend doesn’t go all the time to the daycare center and my child has one other friend there, that her overactive friend makes comments about her weight and doesn’t want to have a shared friendship with ,so it also makes for a poor relationship.I am thinking the mom is not a sensitive person, I was taken back when she told me over the phone that my daughter wanted to choke herself. It seemed abrupt to say your child tried committing suicide, can she come over for dinner. Then to find out,no, my child did not write a note about choking herself.I am relunctant to give the mom a call. It seems her daughter overreacts so I can see where the choking suggestion came from.Previously one of the messages her friend had left on our answering machine was that it was an Emergency! and to get back to her because she had a big! problem with her friend. And just like I thought because her friend talks to long on the phone and leaves multi-messages the parent of her other friend hung up the phone on her. I have let the day care know of the situation and told them to let me know about any situations that come up. I am hoping I can get my child to solve the situation on the days where the friendship is not so good.
Re: friend problem
Her friend called the other day when we were doing homework. My child said she couldn’t talk because she had to finish homework. Her friend kept talking. My child said it again louder. Her friend kept talking. My child said it again louder yelling it. Her friend hung up on her. My child got mad that she hung up on her and then refused to do homework. I talked to her about the yelling and could understand why her friend hung up. A couple more phone calls followed to sort it out. Then I turned down our phone so we wouldn’t hear it. Homework lasted all day almost. Is this a very carefully thought out plan to not do homework, hormones, or a lack of social skills? My child is starting to give the tutors she works with grief. They are unsure if they should take it easy on her for a while or not. Thanks for letting me vent, this has been wearing me out.
Re: friend problem
Your child might not have wonderful social skills but the other child is worse. We have a neighbor child who is relentless about trying to get my kids to play. I won’t let my sons talk on the phone if they are doing homework.
Your child might just have been upset that the other child hung up on her. Distracted children who are already academically challenged are in no mood to work.
I would let the answering machine pick up messages when your child is working.
Beth
Re: friend problem
I’m still kind of concerned about the hitting. I know that you feel sorry for this other child but I would not want my daughter thinking that it is OK for someone to continue hitting her. This lowers her status for everyone around her and for herself. The only way this child is going to learn to stop is if your daughter insists that it is not tolerable. I feel sorry for kids that hit also but I’m not going to go so far as to let my own child suffer the consequences. I look long-range and think of my daughter someday getting into the relationships with men and I don’t want her to spend one minute of her time with a guy that hits even if it is a “playful” slap. I would just die if my grown-up child someday tolerated being hit by a man because she felt sorry for him. Hitting is considered “unnatural” in our house. We have never even spanked our kids. We don’t watch violence on TV either. It is not entertaining for us. Also, this “friend” of your daughter’s has to be stopped before she wacking her offspring someday. You would be doing her a favor to start training her out of this tendency. I really would rather my child have no friends than friends that hit. That’s just my humble opinion at this stage in my life.
Terry
Re: friend problem
auditory mom,
You are so gracious. I know that there is more to the story than you can get out in a post. It always looks more simple to others looking in. Good luck with the decisions that you make. I can tell that you are a great advocate for your child.
Terry
Is this a friendship? Personally, I’d try to keep them apart as much as possible. I’d even have my child in different child care arrangements to avoid this child. You may not be able to keep them apart at school if they are both in resource room together but I certainly wouldn’t encourage a relationship.
Beth