I need some help I am over seas.........

I have been mailing tutoring notes out to people. A friend is helping me set up a website and there will be a link to these notes. Please email me at [email protected] and I’ll either send them them the next time I work on it, or send you the website to look at.

YOU SAID: ‘also I find he is emotionally behind other children his age(that might be partly my fault)’.

Even if you are discovering that your interactions with your son could be improved, don’t ‘blame and shame’ over any lack in him or in your own skills and knowledge! I doubt it is your fault per se — high maintenance kids require highly skilled parents, and we are not all equipped with the personality/skills we need to parent such children. But, just like our kids, WE CAN LEARN! There are techniques that work, and if you approach a child’s behaviour from a problem-solving point of view, and learn what works best for your child, you can make improvements.

I can’t hold a candle to Victoria in remediation of learning issues, but behaviour is something I have some experience with. (many years teaching sunday school, as a beaver/cub leader, and as an administrative assistant to many emotionally backwards executives!).

How do you see him as ‘emotionally behind’? Describe his behaviour in a few situations where you could illustrate his difference from his agemates.

And welcome!

Well to start off he is very “babyish.” He cries easily, does the overacting act when he does’nt get his way. I sometimes feel that he is like 4 instead of 7 1/2. He is really bright with his hands and taking things apart and putting them back together, a whiz with computers. He can for the most part to multi-stepped tasks. Like for example; I tell him to clean the table off after eating. I tell him he has to clear the dishes, take off anything to put in the fridge, than wipe it down with the dish rag, and if it is really wet to dry it with another towel. But when it comes to learning activities or to do homework forget it…….I think he is dyslexic. I am hoping to have him diagnosed here in the next month or so….it is so expensive here to find good quality care. And even more difficult to find the quality care….I think he needs to be on meds(not that I am a fan of meds) but I only see him progressively getting worse…..it hurts sometimes to see him struggle to pay attention(but sometimes I know he uses it as an excuse to not to homework)and then i get so frustrated with him and his actions, for most of the time I forget that it is’nt his fault for his behaviour or actions, but I get so aspirated sometimes. Well that is it for now, I check this board throughout the day while I am at work. So I am looking forward to feeback….

thanks so much

I wanted to ask about Strattera…..I would like to look into getting it for my son…I never wanted to go the med route before but it seems that is my only solution at this point and time…….I want to know how I can get it outside of the U.S.

Mom in E,
I feel for you being in another country and having to deal with this. We aren’t medication our 8 yr old yet but the moment that I can discern that the “side-effects” of untreated ADHD are worse than the side-effects of the meds then I with have her treated. My goal for her is self-sufficiency and anything that interferes with that process is a serious side-effect in my mind.
Terry

I am not a medication advocate….even for normal day to day aliments for my son I dont run for the tylenol or what not….but after reading some things on the internet yesterday alot of my sons abnormal(or what I thought to be abnormal)behaviour really makes sense now. So I am hoping to find out if I can get my son in contact with a child psychriastrist(I never could spell that word…oh well)but I hope with the help of some healthcare specialist we can make some progress….my only fear of being here is that it is hard to find doctors that are well educated in this field htat have gotten their training abroad. Because Learning disablities are not widly known here…they are juz now starting to acknowledge there is such a thing as learning disablities…..and there is treatment for it. I really appreciate the feed back that I am getting please keep it coming…at least i dont feel so alone in all of this

thanks

Two of my kids sounded just like yours. It is my understanding and belief that it is very common for extremely bright and extremely active children to be emotionally immature. My sons both did better with kids either older than them (who matched them intellectually and were more patient with their emotional outbursts) or younger than them (who were at emotionally similar levels of development). We also made some mistakes, especially with our oldest, who didn’t learn early in life to be sensitive to others’ emotions because we were too “understanding” of his demanding ways.

There is no use in recriminating - you have recognized that emotional development needs to be a priority now, so you can address the issues going forward. These kids are incredibly tough to raise, because they are SO smart that they know how to play the adults around them like a violin sometimes. I also learned that a lot of the emotional outbursts were actually quite intentional and strategic, so that once he figured out they didn’t work, he started trying other strategies. But it took a long time - years, literally - because these kids are also INCREDIBLY persistent! While that can be annoying, it is also a great strength as they grow older.

As far as the academics are concerned, we chose to home school our oldest for four years after two years in an alternative school. He had no “homework” and very little structured academic work up through the end of 5th grade. He went back to 6th grade on his own initiative and got straight “A’s”! I really think the normal elementary school setup is really just that - a setup for failure for a bright and active child. Standard elementary classrooms are designed for a compliant child of average intelligence. My kids would have hated it if I sent them to such an environment, so I didn’t. Homeschooling also provided an opporunity for us to spend more time on emotional development, which he really needed, and waste less time on “teaching” him things that he already knew.

I did some personal research on ADHD when dealing with my oldest, and discovered that medication can make the school environment more tolerable for them (or perhaps make THEM more tolerable for the people in the school environment!), but there is no indication that ADHD kids learn any more in the long term when they take medication than when they don’t, despite many years of scientific study of this issue. So we decided that a different environment was the appropriate approach, and it has paid off. Our youngest is now in an alternative school that focuses on student-directed learning. We did a much better job with him by applying all we had learned from our oldest “experimental” child. He still struggles some with peer relationships, and he still doesn’t want to “go along with the program” sometimes, but the teachers are willing and able to make accomodations (like giving him a list of alternatives when he doesn’t want to do the group activities) which avoid the usual power struggles that would occur if he were in a regular classroom. As a result, he can work at his own level, at his own pace, on things that HE finds interesting, or he can join into group activities without feeling the need to be oppositional, since he always has another option. It really works well. And since he is so smart, I really have no worries that he will not learn academically.

Your son is probably learning things every minute of the day - by the sounds of it, he is probably very gifted in the mechanical-spacial area. Kids who have this area of strength are generally NOT rewarded for it in school, and they usually struggle to find meaning in the dry, intellectual, abstract lessons that they are expected to do in class and for homework. They want to do something REAL, and the school provides little opportunity for that in most cases. So our solution was to find a different educational environment, rather than trying to change our child’s inherent personality to fit the “standard environment” that is provided. I understand that many people lack the resources to do that, but if it is an option, I would seriously consider it, because your son will learn just as much, and probably be a whole lot happier. The best thing is, my sons have not gotten turned off on the concept of education early in their lives - they consider themselves to be smart and capable, despite the fact that they learn differently from what is expected in a standard classroom. I doubt they would feel that way if we hadn’t used alternative educational environments, whether or not we chose to use medication.

Hope that helps!

Mom-in-Egypt,

What is your situation in Egypt? Is your husband Egyptian or are your there because you and/or your husband are working for a company there? is your son in the American school or an international school or somewhere else? I ask beause if your husband is Egyptian you will be face some cultural difficulties that you need to take into account (e.g., any trips to a psychiatrist will need to be well hidden from other family members).

Have you made any American friends? U.S. embassies usually have an American women’s club of some sort. I would suggest you look into this and make contact. They often have lists of local doctors and resources that other Americans have used and recommend. More important, if you could make contact with some of the other women, you have a fair chance of finding someone who has to deal with a problem similar to yours who could give you advice. The expatriate community can be incredibly helpful and supportive.

Of course if you are not in Cairo, all of this could be even more challenging. In your situation, I might opt for the homeschooling suggestion, but if you are working full-time that might not be doable. Please fill us in a little more on the particulars of your situation.

I have been living here for 3 years with my son, I have been married to my husband for 2 years(yes he is egyptian). Well he was in al azhar school last year and it was a complete diaster to say the least. I am having him repeat this year in an montesorri school. It is suppose to be ran by a qualified doctor. It specializes in special needs children. I am hoping she will be a resource for me in the future as far as doctors and what not. I am sending my husband to meet with her this week I hope. I just started a new job and so I can not take anytime off in the near future. I teach english at an american school. The owner of the school has a special needs school but it is far from home. I am hoping to work something out with this school associated with my school instead of the other the school. I will see…I only want where he is going to thrive and suceed.

PLEASE KEEP THE REPLIES COMING….IT HELPS SO MUCH!!!

Mom in Egypt,
My plane’s about ready to depart for the start of a week long vacation. I have limited ability to respond now but will write again when I return. Suffice to say your situation is tricky, especially culturally.I have experience with a child with problems in a similar cultural mileu. Will respond more later.

Yes it is really tricky here for me….especially with the in-laws it is a constant battle and it is tiring. I will wait for your return to continue this thread……enjoy your vacation!