power struggle nothing is working

Well, you’ve finally found a negative consequence that is meaningful to her, staying in her room with no sheet and nothing else to do. Now the hard part is sticking to it and making sure she knows that you will let her suffer a negative consequence if her behaviour is negative enough. You suffer too, but that’s the way it goes.

It is worth the effort to make sure that your child grows up knowing that other people have feelings and rights too, and she has to adapt to demands of the world outside herself. Difficult for all concerned but if you saw the students I get who haven’t learned this lesson, you would be even more forceful teaching your own children.

I would ask why she feels so strongly against the tutoring sessions — are they making positive progress? Is she being pushed to do things she doesn’t have the background for? (This is often a concern for me, tutoring should help do things right, not confirm habits of faking and failure.) Is she being made fun of for going there? Is she missing something else she really wants to do? Sometimes — not always, but sometimes — there is a reason for refusal and you may be able to make a compromise deal or an adaptation.

She is telling me no sheet no homework. Yeah I am going to be here all day.It started out that she wanted to go on a field trip which isn’t possible. I even offered going on the weekend instead.She is very persistent and when she gets stuck on something its hard to get her off.The homework isn’t hard, neither is the tutoring lessons. I was hoping to break her of this,its just getting worse and worse, as I can not see paying for tutoring sessions that I can’t get her to go to.

This power struggle doesn’t sound like fun I am suggesting a book that you may want to read to perhaps change this situation to a positive.
It is called The Five Love Languages: Five Love Languages
by Gary Chapman He also has one for teens and also children. After I read this book it helped me to change my attitude and understand how important compassion and love is to everyone, especially when I have problems with my headstrong teens and children that I work with.

I wonder if she is just giving up and the focus may need to be shifted for a time to build up her self-esteem, communication and self motivation. She needs to be a kid and perhaps if you shift your emphasis with this senario and spend time just being her loving mom and not reinforcing the negative; things will change for the better. Below you will find a synopsis of this book. It has really helped me understand what motivates people and what I can do to help them. I hope it helps you.

From the Publisher
Learn to Speak Love in the Language Your Teenager Understands Best. Just like adults, teenagers desperately need to feel that they are loved. Yet communicating this truth to our kids can be challenging, since people naturally give and receive love in distinctand often conflictingways. The fact is, every parent and every teenager speaks one of five different love languages, explains Gary Chapman, Ph.D. However, serious conflicts arise when we find ourselves unaware of, or unprepared to speak, our teenagers particular love language. In The Five Love Languages of Teenagersyou will learn to speak your teenagers primary love language Quality Time
Words of Affirmation,
Gifts
Physical Touch
Acts of Service

Over the past decade, Dr. Chapman’s best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, has helped to transform the emotional climate of hundreds of thousands of marriages, while The Five Love Languages of Children has taught more than 200,000 parents how to express love in the way their young kids are most likely to understand and receive. Now, this highly respected author and counselor offers a wealth of insights on the subject of expressing love to our teenagers and preparing them for their adult years. Discover powerful ways to nurture your teens inner spirit and learn how you can fill his or her love tank to overflowing in The Five Love Languages of Teenagers. —This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Is it typical for your child to act up for other people? It isn’t for my son so when I get feedback that he isn’t cooperating I look to see what is wrong. (Acting up for me is another issue—we have our power struggles at times too.)

I am thinking back to the Lindamood Bell tutor I hired. I sat in on a session and it clearly wasn’t going well. She thought he had learned helplessness—I didn’t agree at all but knew this was not working. We stopped.

Another time I had a tutor who worked well with my child for some months. Then he started not cooperating. I talked to my child and he said “it was too much.” He told me he had to go to Mrs. Collins (the special ed teacher at school), do Neuronet, and then have a tutor too. I think it was just too much therapy/tutoring and made him feel too abnormal. I stopped the tutor, even though it was more work for me.

This summer he went to a Lindamood Bell clinic for 4 weeks. He whined and whined about going. But you know he was just fine when he was there. And they reported him as delightful.

I think your child is trying to tell you something isn’t right.

Beth

Thanks to everyone for your help. I made it through. I will be trying to find ways to handle it better than I had. These situations are really draining. Thanks again for everyones suggestions.