Update on son from frustrated mom

My youngest sister also had the family genes for ‘late academic blooming’ — she and my mother SWEATED getting her through to Grade 8, with mom doing all the things we recommend here — reading texts and novels aloud, scribing her dictated words, checking and re-writing…and she still had to work in HS, and work hard, to maintain a B average. My Mom proofed her papers all through HS, though she was independent otherwise.

She did better than I did — I was a bright star who sailed through anything related to language — got lots of grief for bad math and dreadful handwriting, but they just said I wasn’t ‘trying’ and I believed them — lazy and stupid is a label children accept easily. I bombed in upper HS, even in my areas of talent, due to lack of organizational skills and shock at having to actually WORK…had no experience of this.

I’d always written essays in one sitting and one copy-over — had no idea how to construct an essay if it took anything more than a quick ‘read and regurgitate’ in ‘my own words’. I left school after HS and it took me 10 years in the working world to get to University — I had to learn HOW to work, and had to learn how I learn best. My sister continued on and did very well in a 3 year college program — she HAD learned how to work, and how to overcome her learning difficulties by age 14, and it took me until age 27!

I have tried to achieve a balance with my son between understanding his difficulties and keeping him WORKING — because they are children, and this is NOT FUN STUFF. Especially for bright children, who find their own imaginations far more interesting than the dull work provided in elementary grades…so try to find the balance that is right for him. You don’t want to over-demand and get attitude and melt-downs because you are pushing beyond his capabilities — but I sure agree you can’t let them ‘do what they can do’ without pushing! In my son’s case, he would still be at a 2nd grade level in everything except Math — where he’d be at an SK level! This is what worries me about ‘accomodations’ — necessary for some but not the best way for every child, IMO. A child who is a hardworking perfectionist needs far different treatment than a non-academic window-gazer!

In my case, I would rather teach my son to WORK through his difficulties than teach him that the expectations will be modified to meet his difficulties. I’d rather have him reach hard for a high expectation and achieve a D — because marks do NOT define us, they simply tell us where we are and where we need to go…when my son gets a D in spelling…we say YAY! You passed!!! As a 6th grader, I am very happy with our start at middle school — he’s aiming hard for that magic ‘C’ and knows it is our expectation. He has confidence that he can achieve it, and is willing to do what it takes to get it — even the attitude to homework is different this year!

Remember to praise him for his hard work — he is NOT lazy, but academics are not as much fun as some things he might choose, so that is why you MUST make him sit and study…’you’ll thank me in the end’. And don’t forget that the ‘usual’ methods may not work — your idea with the colours is a good one. It may be that the colour helps him tap into his visual memory — go with it!

But stop feeling that his performance reflects on you…hard to get over, I know, especially with DH a teacher…but you are his PARENTS. You are not wholly responsible for his academic skills — just part of the team!
Best regards!

Don’t put pressure on yourself. That is the last thing you need. At some level, you have to get comfortable with your child and his abilities. My son is LD and I am a faculty member at a university. It seems like most the people I know have kids in gifted programs. When my son was a preschooler and missing all the milestones, my best friend was debating whether her child should skip first grade. At first it bothered me a lot, but I had to get over it—if I wanted to remain friends.

I really don’t think people think less of me because I have a child with a learning disability. I do know that I am a better person and teacher because of having a child with a learning disability. I think I could have been one of those parents who took pride in how smart their kid was. I have had to separate myself from what my child did. I honestly think we are both better for it.

Work to try to help your child learn the best he can and don’t worry how other people judge you. And don’t assume they will think ill of you. People may be relieved to find out that you have some of the same struggles they do.

Beth

Beth

I did make an initial consultation appointment with an educational tester. ( r/o dyslexia figure out what to do to help him. ) I explained to her the situation. I guess what I am most concerned about is that my ds problems won’t allow him to receive further help with learning. She said “Mothers know when something isn’t right.” I really liked that approach. It could cost us a pretty penny ($125 per hour- not reimbursable by insurance or school- so that is out of pocket. PLUS $40 per hour for therapy/or tutoring to teach him/us how to deal with his disability.) Not sure that we will be able to afford the payment on the testing until after Christmas but will work it into the budget and maybe do it over Christmas vacation so he won’t have to miss school. (The nearest place for testing is 2 1/2 hours away- one way.) She gave me some information and sites to help me come to grips with what is going on. My dh isn’t necessarily in favor of the testing. He feels that our ds is making some improvements. Don’t mess with anything while it is heading in the right direction. I’m not saying the school is doing anything wrong- I just want everything done that is possible for my son. She also gave me a tip on what to do at the IEP/MDT. Take a tape recorder and at the beginning when I turn it on explain that because there is so much information given at these meetings I don’t have enough time to process everything that is being said so I will go home and consider the recommendations prior to signing. Will see what happens.

WHAT I WANTED: A serious kid, who liked to learn and to whom academics came easily.

WHAT I GOT: A fey, social butterfly—who, in spite of her anxiety that accompanies her learning disabilities, perseveres.

…..it was a real struggle for her to get through school until the eighth grade. This year, her first year of high school, she is showing some motivation for grades and insists that she will go to college. She is young for her age emotionally and suffers the usual psychological problems of the non verbal learning disabled child. She needs more times up to bat to hit the ball than the other kids her age. What I honestly admire about her is that she keeps swinging anyway—her incredible optimism and belief in herself have gotten her further than anything that I have done for her. She is very much her own person and while she is challenging to raise, she has taught me a tremendous lesson in perseverance and faith in things not seen.

I’m so excited. My ds got a 99% on last weeks spelling test. (Teacher took off 1 point for a reversed letter.) This week he aced it! Now they are doing boxes and having the words cross similar to a crossword puzzle. But I will take this as an achievement. Today doing a happy dance.

I really wish the teacher hadn’t taken the point off for the reversed letter, it has nothing to do with spelling (unless the b was a d or something). But perhaps I’m looking at the negatives too much, glad your child is doing so well.

—des