My ADHD/OHI 5th grade son started this school year with great expectations. He’s been at a special school for ADHD/LD kids for the past 3 years, but had to travel 45 min. there and back and we felt if he was closer to home and his friends, he’d be happier. His young male teacher, who taught EC kids at the high school for one year previously, (this is his 2nd year of teaching) semed to be a perfect match. All went fairly smoothly, we had some bumps because my son definitely was transitioning from one school atmosphere with 8 students in the class to 25, and having to be taken out for resource and speech is not only humiliating, but he was missing work in his core classes and being reprimanded for it. He’s a sensitive child, with a tough exterior, but has a kind, helpful heart and has taught me alot. The accomodations made thru his 504 have been helpful, and I know his teacher has been trying to accomodate my son and his issues, especially his emotional outbursts when he is reprimanded, which we make him accountable for at home, as well, but I need advice for what has happened in the last 2 weeks.
Last Weds., his class went on a science museum field trip which I could not go on. (I always try to go and be involved because of my son’s issues and to head off problems, but also I’m room mom and like going to help when I have the free time.) My son told his teacher after lunch that he needed to go to the bathroom, “#2” is what he said specifically (sorry about that, but it’s important), his teacher said he could go but that he only had 5 min. before they had to get on the bus and head back to school. (The children had seen a cow’s eye dissected and several got sick on the bus on the way back.) My son told me later he didn’t feel too well, and he was sent by himself without a “buddy”. Evidently, everyone was on the bus, the teachers did a count and my son was found to be missing. His teacher ran back in, found my son washing his hands in the bathroom, began to reprimand him verbally inside the science museum whereby my son became embarassed and says he said , “Gosh, you said I could go and I hurried my fastest”. They continued outside to the buses where the teacher kept talking harshly to my son (which I’m sure he was responding to) and where ALL of the 5th graders were waiting and watching my son be disciplined. My son was upset on the bus and wouldn’t speak or respond to the teacher, but repoortedly calmed down after about 10 minutes. I stopped by school that same afternoon to drop a book off to my son’s reading teacher and was stopped by one of the veteran 5th grade teachers who informed me that my son had left the group, wandered off all by himself, told no one, caused everyone on the bus to panic and made him out to be the most troublesome child in the school. She said I needed to explain safety issues to my son. She had never been told by my son’s teacher that he had asked permission to go to the bathroom. My sons’ teacher had already gone to HS football practice with which he helps, so I couldn’t find out the real story until the following morning. I went home to find my son, (who is responsible enough when I’m a few minutes late, to let himself in to the house, let the dogs out and start his homework) in his bed, crying and saying he wish he’d died of meningitis
(one of the reasons for his issues), he would never go back to that school, he couldn’t do anything right, etc. The next a.m., I went straight to school, found his teacher, found out exactly what had happened and he did apologize when I informed him how upset I was over the situation.
Then Tues. of this week, the class (with me driving my own car, the kids on the bus) went to an art museum where we were separated into groups (my son’s teacher was not with us; the art teacher, me and 11 students, including my son) where everything went off without a hitch, until we went to leave and several of the little girls had to go to the bathroom. My son’s teacher said no until I offered to take them if they really hurried. The teacher, who seemed agitated, said go & hurry. My son walked down the hall with us and I told him, “Remember you are NOT to get on the bus, you have to home with me!” I’d preapproved this the night before with the same veteran teacher who’d made my son out to be such a bad guy on the previous field trip because she’d called me at home, asked if one of her mom’s could ride with me and I’d said no, that after the field trip I would have to take my son with me as I was picking up my car which had been worked on, then picking up my daughter who goes to high school close by, with us then attending the pro basketball game that my son’s math efforts had secured tickets to that evening. I asked her if this was acceptable and she said yes. My son had also told me that he had informed his teacher on Monday before the field trip what our plans were and that he had said OK. I had also sent a note explaining our plans to the teacher, but it didn’t get to him. I now know that I made a mistake in not making sure that the teacher knew or I should’ve mentioned it again on Tues. a.m., but I didn’t. It still doesn’t explain away the teacher’s actions as I walked out of the art museum after checking the bathroom to make sure all the girls were out, and found the red-faced teacher hovering over my son who was crying and screaming, “I can’t get on the bus, I have to go with my mom!” I asked calmly what was going on, the teacher had no idea that my son was going with me, which I feel very badly about, we walked over to the bus and I asked the veteran teacher to verify the pre-approval of my son going with me. I was right there, 20 seconds away, why could my son’s teacher not have waited and asked me? My son acts before he thinks, classic ADHD behavior which we work on every day at home, and was being disrespectful by yelling back at the teacher, but I feel the teacher had backed him into a corner. He immediately said that my son would have no recess for the rest of the week and then on Weds., was taken to the principal with the teacher, for a meeting without my knowledge, wherein he was threatened with suspension if he ever disrespected a teacher again. I am very angry and wonder if anyone else feels that I have a right to be. I know that every story has 2 sides, but with my mother having been a teacher for 25 years my husband also being in education, I am sympathetic to the teacher’s side and researched this before I wrote it. Sorry this is so long, but I felt total explanation was in order to understand the situation completely. Thanks, Kathy
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
I also would be upset with how your son is being treated. I think I would have a meeting of my own with the prinicipal and the teacher, let the principal know these situations, and also let them both know about your son’s comments about the meningitis. Kids don’t usually bring up stuff like that so I would say that between the teachers and principal, your son is becoming very stressed and not entirely his fault. Maybe include the school counselor. Perhaps the teachers can remember that they are the adults and be calmer when dealing with your son. Just reading your story made my stomach hurt, I can only imagine how you all are feeling. I don’t know how helpful I’ve been, I hope I have, just wanted to let you know your feelings on this don’t seem unreasonable.At least not to me. I am afraid my claws might be coming out if this were one of my guys.Good luck to you.
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
I’m not a teacher, but a parent who is currently going through some similar struggles. You’re being much more tolerant of both parties in this than many people would be. It’s clear that you are trying to see both sides of the story - too bad the school authorities are not doing the same thing.
It sounds like it’s time to request a Behavior Plan. This puts the responsibility on the adults to help your child manage his temper (and may help them see their part in the problem). Go to LD In Depth and look at the articles under Behavior and Discipline. Here’s a quote from one page:
“Behavior interventions based on positive intervention strategies are more effective in changing maladaptive behavior than are punitive strategies (e.g., suspension). Such intervention strategies should be well thought out, implemented in a systematic fashion, and evaluated periodically so that changes can be made when needed.”
Here’s another:
“In response to disciplinary actions by school personnel, the IEP team must, within 10 days, meet to formulate a functional behavioral assessment plan to collect data for developing a behavioral intervention plan. If a behavioral intervention plan already exists, the team must review and revise it (as necessary), to ensure that it addresses the behavior upon which disciplinary action is predicated”
I would say that, in losing recess and in being called into the office, that timeline has already started. Good luck.
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
Thank you so much for your comforting words. When your children are hurting, you hurt times 100 over for them and out of frustration. My son went to school the next day and said, “Mr. F., can we start fresh?” and things have been better ever since. I was very proud of him and we have been role-playing staying “calm” and the responses we can give in these situations but it’s funny how being on the edge, waiting for the next crisis can stress families out. Thank you again for your opinion and as always, I know there are 2 sides to every story. Fondly, Kathy Shidler
Mooresville, NC
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
Thanks so much for your comforting words and for taking the time to send your opinion and the behavior plan strategies. Since my son went to a school for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th for special children, we never had to worry about IEP’s or accomodations, as they were already in place. The support we received from the public school as far as accomodations up until these 2 episodes has been wonderful, and our son is very happy to be back with his “local” friends, therefore, I am committed to making this work, but at what cost to my son’s self-esteem? That’s why I so sincerely appreciate your opinion, advice and support. Good luck with your own endeavors in this area, sounds like you have suffered some stress yourself. My aunt, who was a teacher for 30 years, always reminds me that God doesn’t give these children to wimps. Fondly,
Kathy Shidler
Mooresville, NC
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
Thank you so much for your comforting words. When your children are hurting, you hurt 100 times over for them and out of frustration. My son went to school the next day and said, “Mr. F., can we start fresh?” I was very proud of him and the situation has been better ever since. I was very proud of him and we have been role-playing staying “calm” and the responses we can give in these situations, but it’s funny how being on the edge, waiting for the next crisis can stress families out. Again, I so deeply appreciate your opinion and as always, I know there are 2 sides to every story. I said this to Eileen also; my aunt, who taught for 30 years, always reminds me that God doesn’t give these little guys to wimps. Fondly,
Kathy Shidler
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
Thank you for your support and opinion. It was very considerate of you to take the time to reply. I realize there are always 2 sides to every story, but I agree that the “meeting” held without me crossed a line. What is at stake here is my son’s already fragile self-esteem and I wish they’d taken that into account. There were alot of ways this situation could have been handled and I truly feel this was one of the most negative. We are meeting this week to employ a behavior plan and we will hopefully see some positive results from this. My son went to school the next day, after our art museum crisis, and asked his teacher, “Can we start fresh today?” I was very proud of him and we have been role-playing calm responses to situations like this at home. My aunt, who taught for 30 years, reminds me often that God doesn’t give these special little guys to wimps. That helps to keep me going. Fondly,
Kathy Shidler
Mooresville, NC
Re: Son's short fuse triggers teacher's short fuse
I’m glad I found your message. How can our children have a normal childhood? My husband and I are to the point that we are looking into home-schooling our 6th grader. We can’t seem to find a teacher with any experience or want-to that can teach our son. They seem to want to lay blame on him instead of trying to help. I fully understand your problem. We run into the same thing all the time. Blake seems to always end up in ISS(in school suspension). His main teacher is very unhelpful and has to be made to help our son. I get so upset and I don’t know where to turn. Punishment does not help. Thanks for lending me your ear.
Dear Kathy,
People make mistakes all the time. Not just you, and not just your son. From what you said, it sounds like your son was put into an impossible situation. I’m sorry things deteriorated from that point, and that you are both feeling so upset. I hope the school appreciates the contribution you make as a volunteer. Give yourself a pat on the back for trying to do the right thing. Maybe I’m all wet, but it sounds to me like the school could lighten up just a little. I would be very upset about the “meeting” that excluded you, since it ended with a pretty serious threat to your child. JJ