Do you ever REALLY dislike your child?

CAMom, I wish I had something I could say to help you. I really don’t except to say there have been times I’ve felt verbally abused my seven year old child! I love her dearly and in my case it’s more frustrating than anything else. Right now, I’m working on getting her into therapy for anxiety and am really hoping that will help. I’m not ready to add anxiety meds. But, have you considered any counseling for your son? Would he go? All I can really say, is hang in there and maybe somebody else here will be able to give you better advice!

Hi Jen,

No, my son probably wouldn’t go to counseling. Part of the problem is that this behavior is so intermittent that we (or at least I) end up with a false sense of security. He goes back and forth from being a snotty, disrespectful, Mr. Know-it-All to the affectionate, funny, charming kid we used to know. I get sucked into it every time, wanting to believe the worst is over. Yet, it feels like everytime I let my guard down, he’s right back to the same old c—p, and I’m left feeling disappointed and betrayed (although I keep most of this to myself as I don’t want to ever be manipulative and play on his guilt).

When you said your daughter was 7 and already being verbally abusive, I tried to think back and remember my son at that age and what, if anything, we could have done differently. I don’t remember my son being verbally abusive at that age, but he has always had a problem with authority, although it didn’t seem that way at the time. But, I think this has something to do with my son’s feeling of freedom to mouth off at his parents (more so me than his Dad). I think, as they get older, this can extend to teachers and the law. At least, I believe this is true in my son’s case. He feels that pot should be legal, therefore, he can make up his own mind.

Well, I hope someone will reply with some great advice for us both…

I believe my daughter’s problem stems from anxiety and maybe right now some depression. She is not quite as bad now as she has been previously. With her it’s a little different in that it’s more like she loses control and feels really bad afterward and then her anxiety kicks in. Then she’s a wreck because she thinks I’m angry even when I’m not. It’s not even that she means to be so mouthy. She just gets extremely irritable and then reacts without thinking. I’ve done a lot of research into adhd but am just starting the process for anxiety now that we have an official diagnoses though she’s always had the problem. The more I learn the more I know we have to deal with this now.

CA mom,
That has to be very difficult and painful. Sometimes it is so difficult to know what is the best way to deal with something. Have you read any books about this? I know whenever I’m concerned about anything with my kids I head over to the library or the local Barnes and Noble and start reading every book I can about the subject.

I recently went to a performance presentation on teen issues by Susie Vanderlip. Here’s her website: www.legacyofhope.com
It was quite good. You may want to look at her website and see if she has any useful information. Also, you might want to try contacting her to find out if she’ll be performing in your area.

You said your son “probably” wouldn’t go to counseling. Do you think you might be able to get him to go (like he can earn something from going? Maybe not money since he might use it for drugs, but some other type of thing, or maybe a trip to a skateboard park, or money in a bank account set up for a future car, or some other positive thing?).

And rather then saying that you’re doing this because of his attitude or drug problems (which would only make him more rebellious toward the idea) you could explain that everyone needs a little time to get their thoughts, feelings and ideas out. This will be his time.

I wish I could be more helpful. You sound like a caring mom.

It just seems like yesterday I was a teenager.
Sneaking out of my window to meet with my friends and or boyfriends, smoking some pot, popping some mushrooms, or getting the bong out for some hash. Yes, I have done it all, and now I have a wonderful family, husband and son. I am a stock broker and have a pretty nice life. So, yeah, I experimented and there was no on that could tell me what to do when I was 16 - 17. But, there was one day that my father put his foot down. I will never forget the day. He took me downtown ( I lived in Vancouver, Canada). Down the ally’s were people shooting up. There were so many people living in ally’s and on the bus benches. I remember one boy, so young walked up to us (and there were a lot, but this one stuck out). He asked for $10.00 because he needed a certain amount of money to spend the night in a Hostile or something like that. My father gave him $10.00. When the boy took the money he was so grateful, he walked away and not 3 feet away, he lit up a joint. I don’t know why, but that stuck in my head. Forever. That day, my parents sat me down and gave me a choice of staying or going. The amount of pot I was smoking was leading to other things, other drugs, and just hanging with the wrong people. The ultimatum was also that I follow their rules, or I get out. (To this day they call it TOUGH LOVE).

I am not sure how tough you are on your son, but he is walking all over you. When he leaves the house and gets a job, then he can what he wants, but until he is in your house, you are the master! I have a 17 yr old son a 15 yr old daughter and a 8 yr old son. It kinda irritates me, and I hate to say this, but the 17yr old is kinda a computer geek. He has no group of friends and you will find him at the house on a Friday night. I have made sure that he knows who is boss. No disrespect. Don’t get me wrong, I am not mean …I do not believe in spankings, and I do not believe in demeaning a persons spirit. I have never talked down to my kids. We all treat each other with respect.

Maybe your son needs to know the facts about what drugs can do to him. Find a clinic to take him to. Maybe he may wake up if he sees what can really happen.

Thanks for the nice words and suggestions Laura.

We actually briefly tried the counseling route and an initial evaluation at a drug rehab facility. Neither felt “right”. My son only smokes pot occasionally— we know the signs, and, quite frankly, he has no clue how to hide it… Although my son cooperated, he really didn’t feel that he had a drug problem nor any desire to change anything. We were advised that going that route would only play up that aspect of our son and get him lots of attention directed to his pot use rather than the whole person. In other words, show him that, if he can’t get recognition as a great athlete or student (difficult to impossible for him due to his inattentive problems), he can get it by learning how to be a really good druggie. After going through that evaluation, we agreed.

To be perfectly honest, we’re more concerned with that aspect of his personality that feels that he doesn’t have to follow the rules like everyone else simply because he feels they’re “stupid” like the law about marijuana. I really blame myself for that by trying to “save” him from consequences over the years because I was afraid he’d be emotionally damaged since he has never seemed to have a great degree of insight about cause and effect. Now, my husband and I are trying to do damage control and reverse that. Hopefully, it’s not too late with a just-turned-15-year-old…

It sounds like you’ve thought about it and are really looking at all aspects of your son. Is he on meds for his attentional problems? Do those help? I think using pot or illegal drugs is a form of “self-medication.” I know I rely on caffenated iced tea every day.

Unforutnately, pot will only make the attentional problems much worse. I personally know of two adults who have a habit with pot, and their lives are kind of bleak. Both had tremendous potential, but now I see them as kind of “stuck in a hole.” Neither are financially independent. Both grew up in very affluent households and had unlimited opportunities.

Don’t judge yourself too harshly about having tried to save him in the past from consequences. I think that’s a really tough situation. We love our children so much and want to help them. That’s a natural feeling. But I think you are wise to realize that it hasn’t helped and that eventually he’s going to have to really deal with the consequences.

You mentioned your son is not good at academics or sports. Is there anything else he might be good at? My son is not atheletic but I have him in martial arts which I think has helped his self-esteem. One thing I was thinking might be good for your son is volunteering. Have you ever thought about that? One thing you could look into is having him help serve Thanksgiving dinner at a homeless shelter. I know people who have done this with their kids and it was a real eye-opening experience.

I have a brother who is an ex-con, and he is a former a drug addict. He started with little things like Pot when he was in his teens and he just got into more trouble from there, like meth, etc.

He told me once it was like a weakness, once you tasted it you just had to have more and it was so hard to stop. when he got out of prison he got into alcohol addiction and that was just as bad, he was mean, you could never trust him. My parents never stood up to him until it was too late.

However, your son is young enough that you can get him help if your insurance covers it get him into a treatment facility to help him face the music. The best thing for my brother was to get busted. I think it would be the best for your son. He is one of those who probably has to learn the hard way and as a parent sometimes my mom wishes she had more of a tough love approach with my brother instead of tolerating his abusive behavior.

Can you imagine your son at 40 and still doing drugs because he never faced the music? That is my brother, he finallly got off probation, he is on legal medication now and he is doing so much better but the years of drug addiction have taken their toll on the family and our relationships as we can never quite trust our brother and we never know what is going to set him off. My mom is afraid of him, you may not like what your son is doing at 15 but if you don’t do something drastic now you will have it much worse when he is an ADULT and he doesn’t have any respect for you or your wishes.

Your feelings sound normal to me - the teenage years are very trying ones. Likely though your other feelings would come back in a second if your son would only let up his poor behaviors for a second. And also likely you wouldn’t be in divorce court as quickly as you think - what you’re really saying is if you could wish these behaviors away, you’d certainly do that in an instant.

But we sadly can’t and this phase is something we all go through. The “it has nothing to do with you - it’s my choice” - is a common teenage thing as is smoking pot (!) these days. I had to ask myself - did I still love my son if he was going to throw over everything we stand for and everything we tried to teach him?

The answer I came up with is yes. I still love my son and I bet you still love yours. But love goes safely underground for a while when our natural anger and frustration has to rise to the surface.

Pick up his baby pictures. Do something with him if you can and forget about the pot smoking for a little while. Cook his favorite dinner. See if you can’t get his old self to bubble to the surface even for a minute. It will bring your love back up to the top.

and we all hope they get caught but the night mine finally got caught for one of his teenage trangressions with drinking I figured out that wasn’t really what I wanted either. When they get caught, it’s a very very hard way to learn a lesson. They need us big time when they’re in a police station and it doesn’t get simpler when you’re calling lawyers and your big tough teenage son is now crying that all he wants to do is come home…. And all we want to do then is bring them home but they’re about a dozen police and locked doors between you and your son.

I’ve been where you are - it’s a hard place to be - good luck to you.

I love my son, and it doesn’t take much to bring out those feelings as they’re so close to the surface. I just feel like I have to protect myself by disassociating myself at times against the fear and disappointment I feel for him and his future when he “messes up”. Oddly enough, the pot isn’t an issue now, but rather he decided to leave his closed school campus at lunchtime a few weeks ago and was issued a citation by the police. He was genuinely puzzled as to why everyone thought it was such a big deal because it was the day before his two-week break ANYWAY, and they were all going to watch a fight! How stupid of me, his dad, and the police to take exception when he had such a GOOD excuse! Anyway, this is typical of the sort of thing he does and then wonders why everyone is so bothered.

I’m very concerned that he’ll end up in the back of that police car some day and that we’ll be calling lawyers too! I can only imagine what it must feel like to have to leave your son in the police station! It makes me hurt to even think of!

I agree that most of this is probably just the awful teenaged years. He’s been a pretty easy kid to live with his entire life which I’m begining to think was God’s way of softening us up for the kill…

How is your son now?

I also wanted to say to CAMom that I wondered if that was the same kiddo when you posted about that citation…you are really getting treated to 15 in a big way, aren’t you!?

Good luck with it…

must have been spared the colic, terrible 2’s, etc. because God or some higher power was waiting to lay it on us during the teen years!

when my son was an infant had a 7 YO at the time — the sweetest, nicest, most responsible kid I have EVER met. She had HORROR stories about his infancy…and she said that she was told at the time that babies who had horrible colic often have calm, sweet temperaments…her wildwoman 4YO at the time was the opposite — sweet calm baby who woke up at about 14 months and had not stopped since — exploring, getting into mischief, testing limits, pushing the envelope and saying NO 500 times a day.

Now we’re paying for them sleeping so well, I guess…makes me nervous about the future but i’ll just get all the training I can!

OF COURSE this is not scientific or even reasonably valid, but it is quite funny how these ‘old wives sayings’ can sometimes seem so true…helps to laugh at it all, and the opposite choice is not very uplifting, so why not!

and I have found that really helps is to keep a sense of humor. Not easy at times, though…

one of the ‘regulars’ at the time gave some good advice: sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and say ‘This too, shall pass!’. Good advice and helped me A LOT. And it’s true…although it is often replaced with a new problem, usually the problem at hand DOES pass…from pot smoke to truancy to self-inflicted exhaustion…actually, in severity and worry-quotient, don’t you think you’re getting better? Lol in the most sympathetic way — having known my husband as a teen (not to mention my own escapades) I know I’m in for some ‘fun’!

Pity my girlfriend who took off with another girl to find her fortune in Alberta (we’re in Ontario) at 17 — she keeps looking at her 15 YO and saying ‘Uh-OH!’