Suggestions for consequences when 15-year-old ditches school

My daughter was sick for three days after a sleepover with a friend right before school started. That was the end of sleep overs for awhile. That would be my attitude about sleepovers with a child who is routinely getting sick. I didn’t frame it as a punishment—I mean she didn’t want to get sick—but just that it is more than she can handle.

I would have a hard time allowing a child to not get credit for school because of absenses when they are allowed to spend nights with friends without sleep. That doesn’t make sense to me–kids don’t always see the big picture.

Beth

I see no reason for him to miss school for a headache-its not contagious! My kids go to school unless they have a fever(I have always joked that my mom sent me unless my temp was 105-Im sure my kids will be telling the same stories-LOL)

I think this would be a far more reasonable and short term consequence than losing credit

I agree with Beth-they arent always capable of seeing long term….

If he can’t connect the late nights with the inability to fall asleep the following nights, hes not ging to worry about where he’ll go to school next year

My 19 year old is the same way so I cant say it imrpoves with age. It seems like the males in my family just dont get it together until 24/25 but at least they all end up just fine. If only I can survive…….

part. He’s not really “sick” when he gets these headaches, he simply does not want to go to school and thinks he should be able to take a break when he feels like it, whether it be because he’s tired or actually has a headache. We feel that he should get himself to school, headache or not, tired or not— it’s his “job” and responsibility.

So, when he chooses to take the easy way out and not go, should we allow the natural consequence which isn’t much as far as he’s concerned as he simply misses a day at school. Or, should we actively punish this by curtailing his weekends “fun time”.

That’s the problem. At 15 we can’t “force” him to go to school— he’s very strongwilled and sees that, even when he does miss a day here and there, he can still get passing grades. So, that motivation isn’t there.

Maybe I’m making too much of this— that’s another thing I wanted to ask. For instance, my son is annoyed with us because a couple of my son’s friends parents are okay with them missing the day after Halloween so that a little thing like school doesn’t interfere with their parties and so forth. This horrifies me! However, I’m the daughter of a teacher, and I’m almost wondering if I’m being too “uptight” about this.

Well, as I said, I’d simply say that you obviously are getting run down and can’t handle the schedule you are keeping. I would nix the sleepovers but I would make that not seem like a punishment. Perhaps it isn’t lack of sleep that is making him want to stay home from school but still it is a reasonable consequence. And framing it as a health issue makes it less of an issue up for negotiation.

I’d never let my kids stay home because they had a big party the night before. And I’d make them come home early enough that they can go to school. Why not have the party on Saturday night instead if they want to stay up late.

I have let my kids miss school for family related events like flying to visit relatives even though official school policy says this is a no no also. But then I happen to think family is more important than school!

Beth

Are you sure this child is not depressed? Difficulty sleeping can be a sign of this. Your description of him seeming not to care about missing school or seeing his friends (aside from sleepovers) also suggests depression. This kind of thing can be painfully difficult to recognize in teens and is often confused for the “usual” teenaage oppositional behavior and general grumpiness. Has he been less communicative than usual? Is he eating more or less than usual? Has he stopped being involved in things that used to interest him? Is he constantly irritable? Has his motivation in general dropped? Does he seem to look for excuses to be by himself? Of course, its a matter of degrees and we see some of this kind of thing in normal teenage behavior, but it wouldn’t hurt to have him looked at by a professiona.. You haven’t posted the details of why your son is in continuation school, but if he had not previously experienced serious school and/or behavioral problems, it may be that the problems that led to the placement in continuation school are a sign of an ongoing depression.

WE had two posters about the same time come to the board with teens-were you the one who was concerned about your child’s friends?

I would not want my kid hanging with families who see a halloween party in high school as a reason to skip school the following day. Now, they are too old to pick up and carry to their rooms so our options are limited, but I would NOT go along with those parents about Monday-it wont end the realtionship but its making your position known

Sometimes our kids want us to say NO. They sure dont act like it but Ive had both my older boys(16,19)actually make a comment to that effect months after the ‘incident’. They get themselves into situations where they know things are wrong, but they’re too afraid to be different or uncool so a parent saying NO WAY is a perfect way out for them. They may stamp and moan but I do believe that underneath it all and down the road they appreciate the fact that we care enough to step in

I am currently getting the message from my 16 yr old that we are not including him in family events enough. Mind you, this was a kid who moaned about going shopping or going to breakfast-being with family was ‘uncool’ and so we backed off and let him be

Well, he has made 2 not so subtle comments about how we dont seem to notice or care about him anymore

I honestly thought we were respecting HIS wishes. So I have now been inviting him to shop and go to Sunday breakfast and he has been coming along-he even volunteered to help me cook dinner last night!!!!!!!!!!!

Dont assume he knows whats best for him or even what he truly wants-its a rough age and their brains are mush

having trouble sleeping is because he stays up too late on a Friday night, sleeps until 12:00 or so the following day and can’t get to sleep the next night. This sets up a pattern so that, when Monday or Tuesday rolls around, he can’t get up because he’s just exhausted. We’ve talked until we’re blue in the face about using some judgement (?) as far as getting to bed at a reasonable time.

Also, he’s a very social kid, and that hasn’t changed. We aren’t crazy about some of his choices of friends, i.e., the kid with the parents who are more interested in being “buddies” with their son and condoning missing school because of Halloween.

We realize that kids need boundaries and are more secure when they have them. But, it’s really tough when a kid is CONSTANTLY pushing them, which my son does. We also realize that it’s a teenager’s job to push those boundaries.

Marycas, it gives me hope to hear that your 16 year old is not coming to you to “hang out”. My son went through the same thing, starting at around 13. He’s just begining to come to us on rare occasions and offer his time, something we thought we weren’t going to see again.

Though your kiddo may ‘think’ so, that is his lack of experience speaking!

I agree with YOUR consequences…but I’d do the same ‘its for your health’ type thing, NOT a ‘you skived off school so no sleepover’. I’d say something like: Sorry, sweetheart but you already had a bad headache day and missed school. I’d be a rotten mom if I didn’t make sure you took care of yourself…sleepovers are really ‘wakeovers’, and I don’t think it would be good to end up overtired, la la la la’.

I don’t think the consequence of grades is immediate or connected enough to count as a natural consequence in this instance — I think YOUR choice of missing sleepover is much better, and will teach him ‘naturally’ without you actually mentioning the connection — the stuff we learn on our own usually sticks better, IMO!

Not everything is a medical issue, even for LD kids, is it? Sometimes it’s just plain ‘kids’! I love discussing this stuff with you moms of older kids — I feel like I’m getting some advance training!

Good luck — hope you’ll keep us posted, I need that training…

to you. The NOT was an oops…

Elizabeth, I’m happy that our trials may help something with an up and coming teen.

I’ll mention something my father said to me when my son was born… I was ranting and raving about how wonderful it was to have this precious baby, etc., and my father said something about, although the baby phase was very nice, the trials and tribulations ahead of us would try all our strenght. I was still in that “honeymoon” stage with my son and was VERY offended that my father was so cynical. I remember saying to him, very self-rightously, “Well…I’m a firm believer that, as long as a child has love, everything will turn out just fine…” To my father’s credit, after he picked himself off of the floor from laughing hysterically, he never said a word—just smiled…

I can feel myself blush to this day to think how incredibly STUPID that statement I made was… :?

If he stays up too late on Friday, make sure you wake him at the crack of dawn on Saturday and assign lots of chores to keep him moving. No naps, no snoozing in front of the TV. If you see him dozing off, wake him up immediately. That will help considerably with keeping him on the right sleep/wake cycle. You can’t control whether he falls asleep at night, but you sure can control how late he gets to sleep the next day. I have teens and they do tend to have sleep cycle that favor being night owls — something to do with teenagedom and melatonin, I think.

all of this problem is due to the normal changing sleeping habits of teens. He’s never been a night owl his entire life and has always needed more sleep than most kids his age. Problem is, he still does but just doesn’t want to accept it…

I found an interesting site called parentingadolescents.com. They give advise on a number of issues. I particularly liked the concept of setting limits and consequences WITH, rather than FOR teenagers.

My husband and I talked to our son last night about the issue of missing a day of school once every couple of weeks because of being overtired. Interestingly, he (not us) decided that a reasonable consequence would be to give up sleepovers for three months. We were VERY surprised. We’ll see how it goes…

I was talking to the audiologist who has worked with my two sons about the younger one—who is very ADHD like, although I have never had him diagnosed. She told me he reminded her of her third son (she has four) who never could be told anything from age 2 on. She told me to do just what you are doing with your son—using I statements—I have a problem withxxx and what can we do to solve this problem. She told me you might be surprised with what they come up with.

This is hard for me (and my son is only 7) because I am much more the kind of person to say you do x, and y happens. I still do but I do find that when I talk to my son about what he thinks we ought to do he fights me much less on what to do as a consequence of behavior.

Beth

necessarily, but I’m a take-charge kind of person. Having a child with ADD and some of the related problems has caused my husband and me, me particularly, to monitor my son’s environment closely over the years so that we could maximize his success. All that micromanaging just doesn’t work with a teenager, and I’m not that sure that it really helped when he was younger— but that’s another issue.

So, like you, letting out the reins and allowing him to take over his own management is difficult, but what I read on the forum I mentioned and what your audiologist says makes a lot of sense.

HI all,
Well…my son acts like yours. However, if he wakes up in the a.m. with a headache on a school day I give him two Advil, give him about 20 minutes to rest and then we go on with the rest of the morning. His school district only allows 5 absences per semester or they fail. Supposedly you can appeal but this even includes dr. visits. It’s pretty bad when you have to try and decide if your child is really sick enough to see a doc. This all came up with the first part of school last year when my son had a dentist appt., an orthodontist appt. and an adhd checkup, I received a letter from the school, even though I had brought him back to school from the appts with a letter from the doc office. So…I can’t even think about letting him skip just because he had a late night.
best wishes,
Amyf

CAMom,

ADHD or no, I think your son is playing you. I’m sure he really does need more sleep than most, but it really won’t kill him to go to school tired or with headache. No fever, no day off! You are letting your tender feelings toward your son and your wish to make things easier for him guide your actions here. Totally understandable (i’ve done it myself, lots) but your son knows this and uses it to get himself a day off whenever he feels like it. If you want to make sure he is better about getting the rest he needs, you need to extinguish the bad behavior by removing the reward. Tell you son that being tired or having a headache will not be a reason for skipping school. You will only let him stay home when he has a fever or some other clear sign of illness. Taking away sleepovers may simply be too remote of a consequence to be truly effective. Going to school when you didn’t get enough sleep and feeling like garbage all day is an immediate and potent consequence.

when this happens, all the talking in the world about how a headache is not a good reason to miss school, how school is his job and responsibility, that there are consequeces for missing too much school (i.e. lack of credits, etc.) mean absolutely NOTHING to him when he’s lying in that bed with a headache (or not…), overtired (or not…).

At 15, we obviously can’t haul him out of bed and into the car. We’ve run the gamut of losing our tempers out of pure frustration, threatening groundings, and actually grounding him for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the next weekend, and on and on. None of this has done a bit of good. When he’s decided he’s not going, he simply digs in his heels and won’t go.

What he have just done, using some tips I found on a website called parentingadolescents.com, is take an entirely different approach. We wrote out a family “contract” addressing this issues and a couple of other issues we have conflicts about. We ALL agreed that missing school for a headache or because of lack of sleep was not appropriate, and we ALL agreed that getting the necessary amount of sleep was in HIS, not OUR control. We asked HIM what he thought a reasonable consequence of missing school for anything other than a true illness should be. Astonishingly, HE decided that he should be grounded from sleepovers for THREE MONTHS! My husband and I negotiated a less harsh consequence (it felt VERY odd to be on the other side of the fence for a change…). We all agreed, and he signed the contract.

Now, we’ll see if this works in practice as well as it sound in theory. According to the counselors who write responses to questions on the site I mentioned, it’s important when dealing with teens to get them involved in setting limits as well as the consequences when they CHOOSE to not follow the limits.

It sounds very reasonable to me, but I guess we’ll have to see. We were very impressed with how our usually very argumentative son bought into this new approach. Again, we’ll have to see how it plays out…

when this happens, all the talking in the world about how a headache is not a good reason to miss school, how school is his job and responsibility, that there are consequeces for missing too much school (i.e. lack of credits, etc.) mean absolutely NOTHING to him when he’s lying in that bed with a headache (or not…), overtired (or not…).

At 15, we obviously can’t haul him out of bed and into the car. We’ve run the gamut of losing our tempers out of pure frustration, threatening groundings, and actually grounding him for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the next weekend, and on and on. None of this has done a bit of good. When he’s decided he’s not going, he simply digs in his heels and won’t go.

What he have just done, using some tips I found on a website called parentingadolescents.com, is take an entirely different approach. We wrote out a family “contract” addressing this issues and a couple of other issues we have conflicts about. We ALL agreed that missing school for a headache or because of lack of sleep was not appropriate, and we ALL agreed that getting the necessary amount of sleep was in HIS, not OUR control. We asked HIM what he thought a reasonable consequence of missing school for anything other than a true illness should be. Astonishingly, HE decided that he should be grounded from sleepovers for THREE MONTHS! My husband and I negotiated a less harsh consequence (it felt VERY odd to be on the other side of the fence for a change…). We all agreed, and he signed the contract.

Now, we’ll see if this works in practice as well as it sounds in theory. According to the counselors who write responses to questions on the site I mentioned, it’s important when dealing with teens to get them involved in setting limits as well as the consequences when they CHOOSE to not follow the limits.

It sounds very reasonable to me, but I guess we’ll have to see. We were very impressed with how our usually very argumentative son bought into this new approach. Again, we’ll have to see how it plays out…

It’s difficult to parent teenagers. The question is - what’s in his best interest? What will produce the best long term results? Will he miss school if he’s back at his regular high school? Was attendance a problem for him there?

If not, I’d keep up the consequences and I think yours is a very sensible. logical one. it makes sense to say if you’re too tired/sick to go to school then you need to spend the weekend at home resting up. There’s nothing wrong with that at any level.

When we miss work, we often need to make up the work in some way. When he misses school from lack of rest, he needs to make the lost time by staying home and getting rest. There’s a logic there.

I’d let him sink himself by losing his beloved sleep overs. I’d think that is in his better interest than letting him sink himself by not returning to his school.

Unless of course you think he shouldn’t return to the other school.

what school he goes to, he should treat it as his job and responsibility.

He hasn’t had an attendance problem in the past, only since starting this continuation school where he knows he only needs to pass ( C’s ), and he’s home free. He also knows exactly how many credits he needs to return to his regular high school and how many days he can safely miss and still return. VERY frustrating for us…

As far as the issue about returning to his regular school, I think he has ambivalent feelings about this which may be at the root of this problem.
He has told me that, as much as he wants to return to his school, it’s “too tempting” because marijuana is all around, and “kids leave the campus all the time without getting caught.” It’s a closed campus but in a very busy, lively area only a block away from a busy tourist area in our town… On the other hand, the continuation school he attends is a “no frills” prison-block looking place in the middle of a basically deserted ex-military base with absolutely nowhere to go and very tight supervision. He knows that not much gets past the teachers and constant presence of a campus officer. I really believe, as much as he wants to return to his old school, he feels more in control (or controlled) where he is.

We would really like to see him back at his regular school, but we also want the decision to be his. However, I sometimes wonder if some of the attendance issue might be him toying with sabatoging his chance to return to his regular school because he’s afraid…