How would you handle this?

Is it required he have this class? Religion is something that should be a person’s choice, not something forced down the throat, and if he hates going to this (for whatever reason) it will not impart a sense of Faith in him, he will only be turned off from it.

Tricky issue. Of course your religion is important to you, and if the religion has any depth to it no, you can’t just pick it up out of thin air when you’re “ready”, you need to go through a learning process like everything else.
On the other hand, do be careful not to teach him to hate it — my father had such a thorough religious upbringing that on his seventeenth birthday he swore never to darken the door of a church again.

For *academic* work I am very strongly opposed to bribes; in the long term the results are almost always self-defeating.
For *social* things, like just getting into the class and doing the activities, well, a little bribery may be the way to go. Like, you behave in religion class on Tuesday and on Thursday I will take you to do your favourite sports activity (a double win because he gets more exercise and useful skills). Or you behave in religion class and I will let you choose a fast-food supper (once a week won’t kill him).
You could also try social events, from sports activities to pizza nights, with some other kids from the class.

I am presuming here that the class is reasonably well-run. If the other kids are running wild within the class as well as before, well he will just learn negative attitudes instead of the religion you want to teach. It is sometimes good to observe a class and make sure that the teacher is competent and able to control the kids — not always easy in such a situation out of public school, especially if the parents don’t back up the teacher. If the class is chaotic, you might want to look at other options.

I agree with Victoria. I don’t think religion should be just left to whenever you’re ready to choose. I think a foundation is needed first. However, it shouldn’t be an awful experience either. I’ve had similar thoughts about my younger daughter with adhd and her Sunday School teacher. If I have to I will take her out of the class and find an alternative, such as she can come into my class that I teach even though it is a higher grade, or she can go back into the class she was last year. In her case, it’s not the instruction she hates but she feels the teachers are not nice. My first step will be to talk to the teacher myself to make sure they are aware of where my child is coming from. It sounds like they know in your son’s class but do they really know? “Having issues” is something ambiguous as compared to really understanding adhd and the symptoms your son has. They may never understand it but maybe they need to know more how it really affects your child.

Are you close to your pastor/religous leader? It may help to get some extra support from people involved in the program. Maybe they could talk to your son privately, give him some extra encouragement, give him some jobs, etc. Is it also the type of program where congregation members get involved? For example, our church uses mentors as part of the program and this means there is another adult there to encourage and help. If not, is there somebody in the congregation who can act as a mentor for you?

and have 5 years as a ‘church school teacher’ including being superintendent for 3 years to inform my opinion…WHO is leading the program? Is the program effective? IS IT DOING what you want it to do — teach your child about your faith and provide opportunities for positive socialization — or NOT? Jen M and Victoria asked some good questions…you need some clear answers before you decide to pull him out/force him to stay.

From what you have said…it is NOT going to do what you hope it will, and in fact is having a very negative effect on your child, as well as presenting an opportunity for a dreadful power struggle that could have dreadful effects…on your relationship and on your child’s behaviour and emotional development.

I’m not saying you should ‘give in’ to his attempt to hold you hostage via poor behaviour. But maybe you should sit down and carefully evaluate his concerns — with an open mind — before making a decision.

Maybe faith training in this case would be far better via homeschool, so to speak? Or as others suggested, mentoring/tutoring?

Welcome and best regards…look forward to discussing this.

My two cents: you seem to have two goals here. The first is religious training/education. The second is socialization with peers. He clearly doesn’t like it so the positive peer benefits are not going to happen. I am presuming that socializing is more difficult for him than most other kids. If so, you might be better off putting him in a setting where he shares interests rather than objects to being there.

I also think parents should make decisions for children about religious training. But he is giving you strong signals that the format isn’t working for him. You might be better off using a homeschool tutor kind of approach.

My kids are currently in a Catholic school but prior to this they attended CCD classes. There is a wide variety in the skills of the teachers in volunteer type programs. You may not have been lucky this year.
If you think he could do well there with a bit of attitude change, then I would try the rewards approach that Victoria suggests. I also wouldn’t hesitate to not send him. The end is more important than the means.

One year we had the option of “homeschooling” our daughter for CCD. It was a family oriented program where we got together with other families once a month. It was quite nice and probably better than what she otherwise would have received.

Beth

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies, you’ve all given me a lot to think about. I”m going to try to remember the questions posed from memory, if I forget or misstate, I’ll try to fix them.

We are Jewish and my son (as well as my older daughter) attends Hebrew School (language and prayers) on Tuesdays, Religious school (holidays, dogma, Israel, etc.) on Sundays.

Suffice it to say that it’s a cliche come true, no one likes going to Hebrew school. Many of our friends’ kids attend 2 times per week plus Sundays, so he doesn’t have it that bad by comparison :wink: . And instead of debating the whole jewish education thing (which has alienated generations of jewish kids, resulting in intermarriage, non-practicing etc.), it happens to be one of those things that every kid has to do. A rite of passage if you will. I highly doubt more than 10% of the kids actually like going, so there’s no “happy medium” about it.

The program itself happens to be outstanding. The classroom teacher is a special ed teacher by day, very structured (which he needs), clear expectations, etc. The class itself is well run, she doesn’t tolerate guff from the boys (and it is usually the boys who are wilder in Hebrew school, another fact of life) and they generally behave pretty well. They don’t specifically facilitate the socialization aspect of things, I imagine that could be something to tackle.

The director is highly trained, talented and compassionate. She has a stepson with autism so she really understands a lot about my son being different. They do have a special needs committee, one of the few religious schools that offer this, and many of the ideas raised here [b]will[/b] be brought up at the next board meeting, I assure you!
They will allow pull-outs for special help, with a community mom/teacher helping the kids who need it.

I guess what I’m struggling with so much is that darn “different” factor again. My son was removed from public school because he couldn’t control his behavior despite all the behavior plans etc. He’s done well academically in this small school environment but I just wanted him to be like the other kids a little bit. He’s one of the few there who doesn’t get a visit from Santa, but at Hebrew school, they’ve all got that in common.

Parents in the community are a mixed bag. Some are genuinely good people who want to know what they can do to help, but their kids don’t need “facilitated” playdates any more. And my son doesn’t like to do the things their kids do. He’s got all sorts of gross motor and sensory difficulties so he’s never been fond of sports (except hockey, go figure, but that involves layers of equipment and they can’t even see each others’ faces).

Others can’t hide the “thank g-d it’s not mine” attitude. And while the congregation is indeed taking steps toward incorporating some suggestions, it is still really really hard to go to events and services knowing that it is likely he’ll behave in a negative way.

Tonight we told him it was time to finish the gamecube. He had a tantrum and broke his eyeglasses. Again. He spent months “paying off” the first pair, lost tons of privileges when he broke the spare pair, and now he just snapped ‘em in half.

Why mention the last? Maybe it’ll give a clue about the pervasiveness of his behavior on my frame of mind?

Anyway, hope that many questions have been answered, and please know that I truly value your opinions and ideas. Thanks.

Sue

Sue,

You sound like a really GREAT mom!

My son has been obviously different from the time he was an infant. He tends not to like the things other boys his age like, and until recently was experiencing depression. It was heartbreaking. And I often found myself wanting to scream, “WHY CAN’T HE JUST BE NORMAL? WHY CAN’T HE JUST BE 50% LIKE THE OTHER KIDS?”

But he can’t. It’s that simple. And I remember a quote from a book on raising a difficult child that I read when he was only like a year or two old. It was something like, “you need to grieve the loss of the child you expected to have.” And I do believe that everyone with a child with special needs has to go through this grief before they can accept the child they have. I’m don’t think I’ve fully done it myself!

Thank you Hayley.

Well, I grew up in a time and place where school was expected to be hard work, not tons of fun. We all griped about school and the things we had to do, and we all did them anyway, more or less. It isn’t such a terrible thing for a kid to have to do some things just because he has to.

And I don’t think it’s just Jewish education that is turning young people off religion — every tradional church is losing members, and in many areas churches are closing because they can’t find priests or pay the bills. This is especially visible in my area, full of closed convents and converted churches in every town — the Jewish synagogues are doing a lot better at keeping members.

There must be some other kids at Hebrew school who are also having trouble keeping up with the Joneses — perhaps the special ed teacher or director can find some to introduce your son to. A friend to share your complaints with can be a good thing.

[quote:b9fa536584=”sujormik”]

I guess what I’m struggling with so much is that darn “different” factor again. My son was removed from public school because he couldn’t control his behavior despite all the behavior plans etc. He’s done well academically in this small school environment but I just wanted him to be like the other kids a little bit. [/quote]

I think all of us here understand exactly how you feel on this point. Often our kids are not able to be like other kids and that hurts us as much as it hurts them. Perhaps this program, even though it is so well-run, is not the right program for your child at this time. It sounds as if he is highly stressed by the experience. Are religious home-schooling or a tutor possibilities? When my son was younger, attending CCD class was so stressful to him that he would often leave the room in the middle of class to go throw up. It wasn’t that the program was awful. To the contrary, it was quite good. At that point in his life, however, any more time in any kind of classroom was just torture. Our parish permitted parents to home school children with special needs and we did so. It actually turned out to be a wonderful thing. My husband and my son really bonded during CCD lessons. Perhaps when your son is a bit older, has had a bit more social skills therapy, or has made some more progress in general, he would be more comfortable attending religious education classes, even if it isn’t his most favorite thing.

from your usual christian church school, as Beth says, run by volunteers who are inspired by their faith but not always possessing the worldly skills to do the job! (I can say that from the inside, not trying to put anyone down!)

Have you read a book called ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross W. Greene? I have heard it recommended by those on another site, www.conductdisorders.com, for use with kids who for varied reasons do not ‘transition’ well, and react to reasonable requests with unreasonable anger, a category which it sounds like your child would fit into!

I also read a good article recommended on that site today: from a site called http://www.dbpeds.org.

The url is www.dbpeds.org/articles.detail_p.cfm?id=119. This was called “Oppositional Behaviour as a Learning Disability: Guidance Pediatricians Can Offer Parents”. Ross W. Greene is one of the authors and this article is so good, I printed it — my child is not oppositional but I’m a Cub leader, and anyone who works with children can benefit from this knowledge.

It is hard to have a child who is different — my nephew has Duchennes MD and the stares are hard to take — ‘tantrum’ or misbehaviour stares are even worse, since we all feel responsible for our child’s behaviour to some extent! But pity stares are hard too, aren’t they? One of those things you can’t really KNOW until you experience it from the ‘inside’! You might find some support if you check out the forums on conductdisorders.com, btw…

Welcome again, sujormk! If you have a good teacher and support from the congregation, then I think you can solve this — it sounds like your boy has lots of strengths too, especially in his parental unit(s). And I totally agree that religious instruction is just as important as academic instruction — but sometimes for ‘atypical’ kids, we need innovative solutions…hope you’ll share how you handle this…

Sue,

As the Jewish mother of an LD child I can relate to some of the additional issues you may be torn about. We live in a town with a significant Jewish population, but we are still in the minority. So while we could tutor our son for his bar mitzvah, he would then miss out on connecting back to kids in our community who share his faith. He also attends a special school which in our case draws from a wide geographic area, so again, its really nice for him, since he isn’t going to a neighborhood school , to meet neighborhood children.

My son has a reading disability so the issue of learning Hebrew is of course a concern. Many of the Jewish children at his school do not attend formal religious school b/c the demands of going to school all day and then essentially learning a 2nd language is too much. If we reach that point we intend to keep him in the Judaica part, and pull him out of the Hebrew part. We know he can memorize anything he needs to for his bar mitzvah later, and we’ve told him many times that if he can’t learn to read Hebrew its fine. SO far he seems to be picking it up, and I do think sometimes maybe exercising his brain in that way will yield dividends in other ways. I’ve also told him that he can have “mental health days” off from hebrew school when he just feels too wiped out to go. But for him I think going makes him feel more normal than not going right now.

Our temple does accomodate children with other types of issues (autism, learning, attention) but there is also an organization in our area that basically does Special Ed. Hebrew school. Here is their website in case you are interested in finding out more about what they do. http://www.matankids.org/

Good luck!