I wanted to let everyone know about a book that I read (3 times) that has helped me more with parenting my difficult son than any other advice I’ve ever received. The book is called [b][i]Parenting with Love and Logic[/i][/b] by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Because my son has been such a handful since birth I’ve read tons of parenting books/magazines/web sites. And nothing really helped. But we did notice a difference in his behavior after employing the techniques in this book.
The basic principal is that by teaching responsibility a child will usually take the right path, but that responsibility needs to be learned through natural consequences, not arbitrary punishments or rules (that’s not to say they advocate a ruleless environment—quite the contrary). They believe parents should let their children make their own mistakes and then live with them without criticism or judgement. The idea being that little people make little mistakes, and big people make big mistakes. Teenagers often get into trouble because you are no longer around to rescue them—they never learned from their mistakes because mom and dad never let them make any.
Here’s an example:
Your child does not want to eat dinner. Say, ” that’s fine, but there won’t be anything else to eat until breakfast.” At bedtime when your child is hungry you DON’T go get him a snack, rather you say sympathetically something like, “I know sweety. I’m hungry too when I miss dinner. You can eat as much as you want at breakfast.” You have to resist the urge to say I told you so, because that will just make your child angry and do it again. Kids want to have a little power, and if they can dig their heels in they will. Staying sympathetic removes any anger your kid may feel towards you and helps the lesson sink in.
Another good example:
Your kid never wants to wear a jacket when it’s chilly out. Well, there is no one at home to force you as the parent to put it on, yet you do. Why? Because you don’t want to be cold. Allow your child the benefit of knowing what cold feels like. Be kind enough to let him make the mistake of leaving the house without his coat WITHOUT RESCUING HIM—DO NOT BRING A COAT WITH YOU FOR WHEN HE GETS COLD. When it he gets cold and complains very sympathetically say, “I know sweetheart. I would be cold too without my jacket.” Don’t go saying, “no kidding Einstein! It’s 45 degrees outside! I told you you’d be cold without your jacket, and now your just going to have to suffer until we get back in the car.”
The real world by and large doesn’t operate on punishment, but on natural consequences. When you consistently don’t show up for work, your boss doesn’t punish you, he fires you. Of course there are punishments in the real world, but they tend to be reserved for breaking the law.
It takes a LOT of practice, but the dividends really pay off. You will soon find your kid doesn’t argue with you about the jacket—and really, why do you care so much… you’re not going to be the one cold. And our son only missed dinner once before he realized that there really was going to be no food till breakfast. The secret really is not being angry about it when they discover their mistake. LET THE MISTAKE TEACH THE LESSON—NOT YOU.
I think kids with ADHD respond really well to this type of discipline, because they need everything to make sense in the real world. They are also often so impatient, and want to run headlong into everything before thinking. This gives them some experience other than your nagging to make them pause. And once you get over some of the initial anxiety of letting them foul up on their own, you’ll be happy to let some of that nagging go.
I’d send everyone of you a copy of this book if I could! I talked my sister into reading it (my niece was a FRIGHT), and she has really seen a big difference in her behavior.
I know that this is not an end all be all to ADHD behavior, but I know first hand how any help is welcome. I wish these guys would write a books specifically for the attention-challenged-child. Might help some folks avoid medication.
Take care,
Hayley
Re: Wonderful book on parenting
uh yeah. I don’t get it. But you spell my name wrong like that other “guest” does. Interesting.
Great book!
I highly recommend this approach. We applied this kind of thinking to almost every area with our kids, and they eventually did great, never having had any meds at all. I think it is totally the way to go with these kids!
P.S. Remember - ignore hostile posts!
Re: Wonderful book on parenting
Steve,
Have you read the book? My mother-in-law recommended it to us about 1 1/2 years ago. She’s a teacher, and her school district has sent its teachers to lectures or workshops by these guys. I think they actually started out using these methods with teachers (If I’m not mistaken I believe both gentlemen have backgrounds in education). I think there is actually a book called [i][b]Teaching with Love and Logic[/b][/i]. And I’ve seen a book they’ve written at Barnes and Noble that is specific to parenting teenagers.
More than actually changing our son’s behavior, the techniques helped our relationship with him. He came to realize that we are on his side, and that he is responsible for his behavior, whether he can fully control it or not.
The reason I’ve read it 3 times is because of how much practice it takes, and he was kind of young when we started (just 5 years old). I think most of the techniques work best with kids a bit older.
One of the things I’ve shared with other parents is how we’ve gotten our son to do some chores. We give him an allowance, but he doesn’t earn it (sounds crazy, right?). He gets a certain amount per week, but he has chores that need to get done, whether he is the one who does them or not. For instance, he has to make his bed. We tell him that his bed will be made every day. If he doesn’t do it mommy or daddy will, and we get paid for our work. Making the bed costs $.50. We don’t need to threaten him at all about it. We just say, “who’s making your bed today?” And he usually responds, “I’m not paying you!” and runs off to do it. We don’t make it out to be a punishment, but rather a simple fact: Mom and Dad get paid for work that is not otherwise theirs. For some reason earning the allowance (paying him $.50 to make the bed everyday) just doesn’t work. But having to spend money that is already his stings.
I’d love to hear some of the successful strategies that you’ve employed.
Hayley
Good for you!
I never read the book, nor “discipline with love and logic”, but I know the basic concepts that are involved, as I have read articles referring to them.
Great idea with the payment plan - I do something similar - if my kids neglect their duties, they have to do enough work to pay me back for the extra trouble they cause me. Even if it is a tiny job, they are totally motivated to avoid it. Sometimes I even say, “Hey, look! Kevin left his plate out! Good! I need the toilet cleaned…” Instant action! It’s amazing!
Re: Wonderful book on parenting
I really like your payment plan. We’ve tried not to tie allowance to chores, b/c we didn’t want them to think they could opt out of chores. But then things sometimes don’t get done without nagging. Your plan is beautifu;! I plan to discuss this with my husband tonight!
Haley Haley Haley, the parents here are perfect. It’s their kids that are all screwed up.