Last year in March, I told a friend about how my son had difficulties speaking. He had about a 25 word vocabulary. I was alarmed to learn he needed to have a 250 word vocabulary by that time. I went to Early Intervention Services and had him evaluated. I was told he had a speech delay and was referred to Child Find. They too did allot of testing and a plan was developed for therapy. The therapist told me to have him psychologically examined as well. I just came back from an appointment with the psychologist and she told me he has an anger problem. I am feeling so upset with myself. I don’t understand what I did wrong with him. He has a loving 2 parent home. We dont fight or argue around him. We read books with him. He is a very social happy child. I understand he gets upset when he doesn’t get his way but we put him in place. I honestly did not recognize my son when we were with the psychologist. He was acting very aggressive and he even threw a chair. He never does that at home. I feel like I have failed as a mother. However, I love my son too much to give up on him. He is just 3. I was looking for help with his speech problem and now they tell me he has even more problems. Anger management problems and short attention span. I do see a little of that in him except for the speech problem. I’m confused. I know I need to help him get past this. What if really I’m just looking at things as a mother who thinks her son is the best and nothing is wrong him. It going to be hard to accept his disability. He is my only child. I want him to succeed in this world. I am so torn.
Re: Maybe some other parent can understand.
Agree — I would not consider an “anger problem” because of a few isolated outbursts, especially in strange conditions; and anger can often be a result, not a cause, of problems. Put yourself in his place — imagine for example that you were suddenly moved to Russia and all these people are talking at you and you have no idea what is going on and can’t answer them; then they put pressure on you to answer but how can you? I would definitely say you need to try a new psychologist, wipe this one’s report off the map and start fresh. Then yes, work hard on the language issue and see how the other things develop.
Re: Maybe some other parent can understand.
Guest had a great post!
I work in Early Intervention myself and it is quite common for a child to come into our system with one issue and quickly be found to have some related concerns. Speech, quite frankly, is the number one referral we get
The situation you describe is rather typical, at least in my world ;)
It’s early and hes young. There is no reason to think this issue is going to lead to a lifelong problem. IF it does, you will cross that bridge when it appears
For now, follow your therapists advice TO THE EXTENT you are comfortable. You need to be open to what they say but you dont need to take it word for word either!!!!!
DONT shut out your specialists but dont be afraid to speak up and say “I just want to deal with his speech right now; I’m going to revisit the psychologist idea in 3 months”
Then take your three months-see if speech helps the anger issues. And….go to some play groups or visit more parks and chidlrens musseums. Watch your son with objective eyes. Is he where they are? Is he interacting with them?What does he do if they take his toy? What happens when you are ready to leave?
I think at some deep level all parents look at disabled children and think the parents did SOMETHING to cause it. She had a premie-she must have smoked, used drugs, or had multiple sex partners
Were not being vindictive. We are protecting ourselves. This way, since we didnt smoke or use drugs when we were pregnant, and our sex historyis bland….voila!!! We can go to sleep at night confident our babies will arive on their due dates and perfect
I think, to some degree, we do that all through our parenting careers, but alas, the day comes when we realize ‘stuff happens’. Mothers who did everything right still have premies. The mother who watches her children like a hawk still misses one piece of tiny colored chalk on the floor and loses her child to choking.
You’re still the same great mom you were 6 months ago.
Re: Maybe some other parent can understand.
Evelyn,
I remember when my son was evaluated and my gentle, sweet boy was described as angry. I was worried that the school we wanted to send him to wouldn’t take him if he was angry, because I thought that meant he had psychiatric problems. The director said ” of course he’s angry. He’s a smart child who is having an expected difficulty…I’d be worried if he weren’t angry!”
Your son is very young and you have the opportunity to help him speak and master the other skills he needs. Who wouldn’t be frusrated and angry not to be able to communicate all the wonderful thoughts they are having? Don’t worry too much about that part. Focus on the deficits you can remediate, and there is a good chance the emotional piece will ease.
Re: Maybe some other parent can understand.
Evelyn,
Your post took me back to when my child was three (he is 11 now) and was first evaluated. The report from the agency to the district that the real problem was parenting…child did not behave.
Now I see that my son was classic LD and that a good psychologist would have recognized that. We had taken him to the place on the school district’s list that was closest to our house. Six months later he was in daycare and the head teacher told me that he reminded her a lot of her son who was diagnosed with LD in fourth grade. She recommended that we go to Children’s hospital. I was initially resistant because of our experiences already but she told me they would visit her classroom and she would speak to them as well. She set up tasks in the classroom when the evaluator visited that every child but mine could do (mostly following directions). Anyway, it was a world of difference in the two agencies, and it helped, of course, to have his teacher as our advocate. In the end, we had speech therapy.
So one question is whether the people you have taken your son to are the best available option who can help you interpret what they see—and not blame you.
The second is anger is a symptom that something is wrong. You assuming that it means that you did something wrong but that isn’t necessarily the case. When my son was 3, he was very angry. He punched holes in the wall of his bedroom. We were fortunate to have my sister, who is a clincial social worker, to help us. She told me that some kids require exceptional parenting skills (this son is my second child so I knew that we were raising one capable child!). She tutored me in handling him and he is not an angry child now. He was frustrated because he couldn’t speak well and anger is a common side effect.
Beth
Go Mom Go!
Dear Evelyn:
I’m glad you posted. My son is a gifted/LD kid in Grade seven now. We first discovered a writing problem - dysgraphia in Grade two. That resulted in depression. These kind of difficulties don’t happen in isolation. They affect the whole family, the child’s whole social structure, and their outlook.
I can’t give you any advice on assessing your son, but I can sure identify with all the emotions you expressed, and they are PERFECTLY NORMAL. I’m also sharing my thoughts here because there aren’t many places to do that with people who understand. So many times in parenting my son, even with a supportive husband, a good support system and good teachers, I have felt so alone. One goes through a lot of feelings - anger, questions, self doubt. The hardest feeling to admit is that at times I feel disappointed with my son - yet I love him so much. In the end, his diablilty makes him who he is, and I wouldn’t change that.
Cling to the fact that there is a purpose your son was born, and there is a reason he was born to you. I’m impressed that you found this forum and support so quickly. It took me 5 years! Assuming your son does have a special challenge, you’re going to learn a lot along the way. You’re going to view life differently, and it’s going to be better. When you get discouraged, take your son or kids and do the fun things that you have always enjoyed doing with him/them! Then take a look around you and make a list of things that you are greatful about in your son.
I could write for hours, Evelyn. Take one day at a time, and enjoy the things about your son that you enjoyed before “all this” came up.
Sincerely, Mur’s Mom
Re: Maybe some other parent can understand.
You guys dont understand how much your responses helped me. Im at my desk at work trying to hide my tears. It makes sense what you all said. When I got pregnant with my son, I vowed to put him first and do whatever it takes in this life to help him succeed. I live because of him. I dont know what I would do without my little boy. Being a mother is the most important, well paid job and privledge. Once again, thank you guys for the slight wake up reality check.
First things first, Evelyn. IF (and its a big if) your son has a disability that will present him with lifelong difficulties, that is just a bad thing that happened to you and to him. It is no one’s fault any more than it would be if he were born with a physical disability. Second, you are a GREAT parent because you did something about the problem rather than hoping that he would just grow out of it. You are getting your child help at a very early age and that is the number one predictor of a good outcome in children with learning disabilities. Third, the fact that age three he has a speech delay does not mean that he is doomed to a learning disability. You are taking appropriate steps to intervene and it may be that receiving help this early will alllow your son to overcome and/or learn to work around his issues. Fourth, I would not worry too much about the anger problem. Three year old are easily frustrated and three year olds who have limited language skills are apt to explode when subjected to (entirely necessary) testing that probes those skills. I’m sure the testing was very hard for him and he reacted as a normal pre-schooler would. He probably will continue to have problems with being frustrated — its hard to make your wishes known if you don’t have the words to say what you want. Deal with the root of the anger and he will experience less anger. Finally, every parent here knows exactly how bad it feels to hear that there is something wrong with their child. We grieve for the loss of the “ideal” child we envisioned while expecting and that we thought we had until the problems arose. Give yourself some time to adjust and know that it is normal to feel as you do. You are on the right track. You are educating yourself and getting help for your child. That puts you at the head of the “good mommy” list!