Parent Enablers

There is truth to what you say Jane. I am a parent of such a child. At times it is ADD , and at times it is undesirable behavior from laziness, pushing the envelope as far as you can to see what you get away with, choosing friends and sports over reading and hw, etc..However, our school system, I feel, does not provide needed supports that my child needs, there is lack of understanding of ADD and more importantly, lack of following the IEP. I feel that some teachers just do not get what my son needs to be successful, nor care. It is these very teachers that turn my child off to a previous favorite subject, make him decide not to put effort into studying, and do his hw half heartedly, where he did often put effort into the class in Sept.-Dec. and then gives up entirely midyear because he is too fustrated and never rewarded!! The school wants only to blame the child rather than looking toward services, supports, and solutions. I know it is not only ADD causing the undesired behavior, it it my son’s being a teen, laziness, lack of teacher/student supports, and untrained teachers in the area of following ieps. I would not go to the school and openly admit my child is at fault bcs that is what the school is looking for. They never admit that they are not providing an appropriate education for the child. It is a question often of which came first the chicken or the egg. The system does not effectively deal with individual learning needs. I do tell my son when he could have made better decisions in the privacy of our home, but never to the system. The system never admits they could provide necessary services that they are not, etc.. This is a 2 way street.

Parenting an ADD child must be extremely difficult, Randi. I can understand from both a teacher’s as well as a parent’s viewpont as I have an 11 year old ADD granddaughter. I see so many parents with the attitude that their child doesn’t have to learn the coping skills, behavior control, organizational skills, etc. that are reflected in his/her IEP. I see the child absolutely refusing to even try, and the parent backing the child, saying he/she can’t do this or that because of their disability. My greatest fear is what will happen to my ADD students when they go out into the real world and must survive on their own when they have refused to learn any coping skills in school and their parents have said that it’s ok because they know they can’t because of their ADD. In my opinion, these kids need to learn these skills with teachers as well as parents telling them that they not only can learn them, they must learn them.

You make a great deal of sense, Randi, with your comments about some school programs. And you seem to have a clear sense about how some ADD kids (as well as most others) can be real players in the game of life. I wish you and your child all the best!

My understanding of ADD/ADHD is that symptoms are controllable by medication (hyperactivity, etc.) When you have such obvious, persistant behavior problems going on (and presumably the child is being treated medically by his/her physician and true diagnosis) then something else could possibly going on as well such as a comorbid/coexisting condition. Since ADD/DHD and their coexisting conditions have so many symptoms and possiblities it is hard to be certain without relaying the concern to the parents to follow up. ADD/ADHD have as many different symptoms as there are kids. Parents are working with the only information that they have, and most of the time it is advice from other parents or that off the internet. Schools cannot and WILL NOT give advice but they are the first to complain when the kids are not conforming to the norm. I really think that most parents are doing the best with what they have. There are no clear cut answers as to how to manage these children, its mostly trial and error. Then factor in the teen years. I think you are being too hard on the parents. Let’s try taking a proactive and more compassionate approach. Lets help these kids instead of pointing a finger. You have them for a certain amount of time a day. Take advantage of that!!!

What will happen in the real world is a fear of mine too! I put it to the back of my mind because I need to work on the issues that exist today. I just cannot control what happens years from now. If my child could be “fixed” to fit into a mold that would eliminate the problems, it would have been done. Fortunately he comes with gifts too, and we hope the balance will help him find his way as he matures. It is important to remember that these are children, not little adults, and they may aquire some of the skills that they are lacking as they mature, naturally. One just should not expect that to happen, because it may or may not, to the degree one would like.

Parents do these things to avoid negative judgements on their children. They want the disorder blamed - not the child. The enabling speech usually falls on deaf ears but try the approach below. It’s worked for me.

Blame the disorder but point out that we try to treat other disorders why not ADD/ADHD? People who walk with difficulty are given therapy to improve their walking. People who speak poorly are given speech therapy to improve their speech. Why give up just because it’s not ADD? Let them know you’re not looking to pass judgement or condemn their children for their disorder but rather to help them remediate it just like a speech disorder or an issue of physical therapy.

Then it would also be helpful to be specific about what ‘therapies’ you want the parents to do. Share with them what therapeutic approaches you use in your classroom with their ADD/ADHD children that are successful in helping their children to better contend with their disorder and live productive lives.

That should win any reluctant parent over. The strategies that you employ to help these students be successful in school may also work for the parents at home. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. Your success with their children at school will convince them to try the same things at home.